Friday 15 June 2012

Hopefully maybe

I had my meeting with Mary and and my mother first thing this morning.
The anxiety had been building inside me all week.
Butterflies were doing cartwheels in my stomach.
The session actually started before we got to Mary as my mother and I chatted this morning.
My mother told me that she knew I had abused my meds this week and she knew how much I was binging and purging. It's so strange because I actually manage to convince myself that she knew nothing. That my web of lies was working. I guess that is the power denial, you believe your own lies.
She told me she knew how anxious I was about the wedding, I thought I had put up a good front pretending to be excited.
I explained to her the pressure I felt under to look well and be well. How I thought people judged how well I was by how much I weighed when the that couldn't be further from the truth

Then it was time to go.
I introduced my mother to Mary and then went in for a chat with her first.
I told her about the meds, I told her the binging and purging was out of control.
She listened and then spoke to my mother on her own, I sat in the waiting room trying to read their minds while reading about how to combat stress.
Then she called me in. First we talked about the meds and how to get on top of it.
My mother expressed great worry and her fear that I would burn the house down.
I suppose somewhere in the back of my head I knew this but  actually hearing her say it out loud was different. I explained how I use the meds to get a break from the eating disorder.
We eventually came to an  agreement that I would hand over my meds to my mother and she would dole them out to me. Yes this takes responsibility away from  me but I can't trust myself to take them properly just now and eventually handing back responsibility to me.
I think this will work.

Mary then spoke about my mother as a carer. She showed us a document that the Maudsley hospital had drawn up comparing different types of carers to animals like the ostrich, the rhinoscerous etc
We identified that my mother is a mixture of the dolphin and the st Bernard. Calm, confident and supportive.
I guess I am lucky she is that way, I suppose she has learned the hard way how to help an addict.

The great thing about Mary is that she really focuses on the positive and I really need that.
She asked my mother about the dancing and what she thought about it.
She became very emotional and said some truly lovely things.
She said it was a joy to be around me during that time, that I was focused and motivated and it was clear I was really enjoying myself. She said the night of the show was amazing and it was so emotional to see me dancing as I hadn't done it in so long.
As I listened I couldn't hold back the tears. She also acknowledged that the fact I started something and saw it through to the end was the real achievement.
It was  so nice to hear those things, that I had done something right.
She and Mary also emphasized how I had overcome drug addiction and if I could do that then I could do this. The meeting ended on a positive note and I was relieved it was over.

I am so glad I did this. I came away feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time thinking 'maybe I can do this.
My whole life people have told me I have great potential, my teachers, my doctors, my therapists.
But it meant nothing to me.
All it meant that I could do something, maybe, possibly.
It was no guarantee.
I thought they were just saying it to be nice and I 've never had that belief in myself.
I thought I had gotten away from drugs because I was just sick of the whole thing.
But I walked away from my entire life to start again in a new place where I know no one.
Maybe I do have strength I'm not even aware of.
I've never managed to overcome my eating disorder but have I really tried? Have I really wanted to?
I've been misreable for so long that I've forgotten how great it is to feel happiness.
I can remember the last time I really laughed and it was over a year ago.
I miss that.
I miss laughing so hard you think you'll burst.
I miss hanging out with friends.
I miss dancing.
I miss having a life.

I feel motivated to take my meds properly.
I'm going to the chemist now and I will hand them over to my mother.
If only for her peace of mind. She deserves that much.

I'm feeling hopeful,

Possibly maybe.............




















































12 comments:

  1. You're strong, Ruby, you can definitely overcome this thing. I wish you all the best in recovery & we're going to be here every step of the way to support you.

    Tons of love <3

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    1. Thank you sweetie for the support, every comment makes my day and I appreciate them all so much,
      Much love toy you xxx

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  2. You are lucky to have a mother that cares enough to actually go to there with you :) And I think you are very strong to hand over the meds to her.

    You will be happy again hon -just hang in there.. It will all work out in the end..

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    1. Thank you Kitty. You are so right I am extremely lucky to have such a supportive and understanding mother. I take her for granted so much and I would surely be lost without her.
      Hugs to you xxx

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  3. Wow, Ruby I am so happy that you are feeling hopeful! Hope is a powerful thing and I hope you hang on to it and dont let the ED get the better of you! You are absolutely beautiful, I have seen proof of that in your pictures, and you are amazingly strong, much stronger than you perceive yourself to be. I believe you can do this, just like you got away from the drugs, just like you're handing over the meds to your mum, You can do this. I believe in you so much hun, I wish you knew or could feel how much faith I have in your ability and inner strength. Your mother is brimming with pride at your dancing and it is clear to see, cos you didnt let fear get the better of you, you didnt let your insecurities hold you back, you achieved something and it shows that you can achieve so much more. I am telling you this as a friend, that I know you can do anything you put your mind to and I am not just being "nice" I am just being completely honest.

    I hope things work out ok with this new system, your mum seems like an angel on earth. I am so glad you have her support and unending love through out all of this.

    As always I am here for you if you ever need me and I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world. Much love xx

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  4. Thank you sweetie, that means so much to me to hear that you believe in me, I believe in you too.
    Yes I do feel hopeful, that maybe good things are on the way.
    Our weddings are close now. I love my dress, I keep taking it out to look at it. Your sari sounds amazing and I know you will look stunning.
    Thanks also for all your support, every comment makes my heart swell.
    I am blessed to have met you and call you a friend.
    Lots of love to you my dear xxx

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  5. The session sounds like it went better than I thought it would. I am glad. I am thinking about how my parents would be acting or mom rather and yeah not good.....

    I am glad she enjoyed your dancing. I remember when you talked about it made you so happy. It was like you felt like the old you again before all this stuff. I wish you could have kept doing it. It just made you so happy.

    One day at a time. Let's just see how everything goes with taking the meds properly. I am hoping you feel okay when taking them :-) Take care lovely.

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  6. I cant tell you why, but this post has me crying in my room. im happy for you, i think you are incredibly brave and i so hope things manage to settle down. i love you little star xx

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  7. Thank you Amaris, I have been very emotional all day too. For the first time in the longest time I haven't felt like binging and purging, I hope this is the start of something good.
    Much love to you xxx

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  8. Yes you can do it.

    You have strength inside of you that you don't know about, because you haven't been able to see it. It's been waiting for you to reach a hand to it before it reaches back to you.

    Good on you for handing the meds over to your Mum. Lol, remind her to give you the mirtazapine at NIGHT with a big cup of peppermint tea :p I should copy you and give my eftpos card to Miles so I can't impulse buy yarn all the time ^.^;

    If you need a hysterically entertaining distraction you should watch Firefly. I'm getting the quote "No power in the 'Verse can stop me" tattooed on my foot to remind myself the the only person who can really stop me is me. When I think of you dancing I see someone with manic-panic-ruby-red hair dancing like River Tam, happy and free and unselfconscious and powerful and full of joy.

    You can be happy again. Seize the day by it's jugular and don't let it shake you off :p

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  9. Reading this made me cry for you, Ruby, both happy and sad crying. Sad that you have been through so much and still are in so much pain and struggle. Happy that you have had this positive session with Mary and your mother and that you can see what's out there beyond this. It's so possible for you to to get there. As Mary said, you have already beaten your heroin addiction and that's so hard to do. And you are working hard with her, being honest with yourself and genuinely wanting to face up to things as your writing here shows. You'll get there, and I so hope that you will take up more dancing, too, it's obviously a passion and so very good for you. So proud of you. Hang on to this moment, there will be more of them to come xx

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