Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Knock out Monday

I saw my doctor on Monday
I probably should have told him how bad I'm feeling
I probably should have told him that my mood has plummeted
I probably should have told him that I have a passive deathwish
I definitely should have told him that I'm abusing my meds again
My mother now calls Mondays knock out Monday because I take all my meds
He decided to reduce my methadone this week
Not by a lot, only 5mls
I'm sure he wouldn't have done this if I had told him the truth
I swear I am my own worst enemy
I used to be on 70mls of methadone and now I am down to 30mls
I probably won't notice the 5mls at all but it's more of a mental thing
Knowing I have my methadone lessens the chance of me craving heroin
Also it would be futile to use because it doesn't work if you use on top of methadone
And believe me I've tried
Something about the opiate receptors in the brain being blocked
I am also terrified that my longing for drugs will come back
That would be an absolute disaster
I think back to my drug using days and it's like it happened to someone else
I wonder how I got through it all alive and relatively unscathed
It was ok when I was going out with my boyfriend
We were partners in crime and did everything together
But once we broke up I was totally alone
I was a young girl in a big city on my own with a heroin problem
Needless to say I got in to all kinds of trouble
My mother reminded me of one of those days recently
It was a crazy time
My mother and father had just broken up
I was using and my sister was drinking
Her little boy used to come and stay with us sometimes
My boyfriend was in jail and I was living between my mothers and my boyfriends uncle
I think I mentioned him before, he was paralysed in an accident and was in a wheel chair
My boyfriend wanted me to bring him drugs so me and his uncle set off for the prison one day
I was terrified
I had the drugs wrapped up in a condom in my mouth
I put Liam's wheelchair together and helped him in to it
All the while with a couple grams of heroin in my mouth
I was trying my best to act normal and not draw attention to myself
The guard came and we followed him from the waiting room to the visitors room
I was pushing the wheelchair and as we came to a slope I was so distracted that I lost control of the wheel chair and Liam went flying out of it and on the ground
Everyone turned to see what had happened
Talk about drawing attention to myself
Two guards helped Liam back in to the chair and I tried not to have a nervous breakdown
Eventually we got to the visitors room and it was time to pass the drugs in a kiss
In the end it was fine, he got his drugs and I managed not to have a complete meltdown
This is just one example of the crazy shit that became the norm when I was using
I lost any semblance of self respect I had when using
You say to yourself 'Oh I'd never steal or I'd never do this or that but inevitably you end up doing all the things you swore you'd never do and worse
I remember when my nephew was staying with us I used to bring him to my dealer and let him play upstairs while I shot up heroin in the kitchen
This particular family had 3 kids and they used to break my heart
They were so thin and so pale, probably from malnutrition
The youngest boy was the same age as my nephew but he wasn't even talking yet
I used to babysit them and pick them up from school
I'd give them little treats
When people were taking drugs in the kitchen if the boys tried to come in they were roared at to 'get the fuck out now'
They must have been so confused
Probably terrified
I remember the oldest had his communion and my boyfriend was standing for him
But halfway through the party we all left to go to Dublin to get drugs
I wonder what has happened to those boys now
The oldest is about 16 or 17
I just hope that they haven't followed in their parents footsteps
But I fear they probably have

I was talking to Mary this morning about my fears of using
She asked me what I can do to make sure this doesn't happen
I know one thing I could do is go back to NA meetings
I used to go to meetings when I first got clean
I used to go about 4 times a week
And they did help
They got me out of the house and talking to people who are in the same position as me
I even got a sponsor and called her every day and met up with her once a week
I had friends through the meetings and was doing well
I also started going to food meetings, Food Addicts Anonymous
The food meetings worked on the same principal as NA and worked the 12 steps
They considered sugar, wheat and flour to be addictive and cut them completely out of their diet
They weigh and measure all their food, even in restaurants (I've witnessed this)
I could identify with the others a lot but I couldn't get my head around the food plan so I stopped going
At NA I always kept myself at a distance, never going to any social events
I said no so much that people eventually stopped asking me
I started to feel excluded but it was my own fault
I remember someone saying once that NA is like a boat, if you get in to the middle you won't fall off
I definitely kept to the edge of the boat so I eventually fell off
I had also started getting really bad anxiety at meeting, so bad that my heart would thump out of my chest and my body would start to shake
So I stopped going
I went to treatment then and I haven't been to a meeting since I've come home
I would love to go back, I really would and I know it would be good for me
I just can't seem to muster up the courage
If I go back I want to be sure that I'm committed to giving it a real shot and I just don't know if I am
I need to do something though because I can feel myself slipping
I've been abusing my meds again including the olanzipine
I had stopped taking it as it was making me hungry all the time but now I am using it to knock myself out along with the methadone and anti depressants
Everything just seems like too much at the moment
Everything is such an effort
I'm not seeing Mary again until next Friday and I'm already wondering how much weight I can lose by then
As my mood gets worse I'm turning to the one thing I know will numb me
The battery was dead in Mary's scale today so I don't know my weight
Thank God for small mercies

I'm just not sure where to go from here
I feel like I'm at a crossroads
I can either try to embrace recovery or retreat further in to my eating disorder
I've already lost 12 years to this illness and I don't want to lose another 12
But the alternative is also scary
Life on life's terms as they say in the meetings
My parents give me so much support and they are not going to be around forever
They are in their 60's and I should be taking care of them instead of them taking care of me
I depend on them for emotional support and also financial support
I am living in my mothers house and as much as I would like it, I don't think I am ready to live on my own, I would probably get worse
I used to meet this girl when I was walking my dogs at the beach
She was stick thin an obviously had anorexia
She would walk all day long
I haven't seen her in a long time and I wonder what happened to her
Did she get well?
Did she die?
I wish death scared me more
I'm not afraid to die and in fact I'm more afraid of others dying than I am of myself dying
I need to get it together
I need to pull my head out of my ass and face up to life
I want to want recovery if that makes sense
I don't understand why someone would want this illness
Come and walk a day in my shoes
There is nothing glamorous about eating disorders and yet there is a myth that there is
What is glamorous about cleaning vomit off the bathroom floor?
What is glamorous about your skin turning grey?
What is glamorous about your hair falling out?
What is glamorous about binging and purging all day long?
Come walk a day in my shoes and then tell me you want an eating disorder

Forgive me, I'm probably making absolutely no sense at all
My head is so jumbled up and confused that I don't know which way is up

I was wondering if any of you have ever been to NA, AA or any food meetings?
Did you find them good?


  1. I'm not really sure what to say, because I have no experience of drugs or anything in this post really, but I think if you think going to NA would help then you should definitely go for it - If you don't like it you don't have to keep going, but there's nothing to lose by trying!
    I hope you feel a lot better soon!
    Lottie x

    1. This is true Lottie, I can go and just see how I get on

      Welcome back to the blogosphere by the way x

  2. Oh, sweetie :( I feel so sad for you. I remember you posting about your boyfriends uncle and the drugs and jail... It was so well written, one of the things that first drew me in.

    I feel like I'm at a crossroads too at the moment. A few days ago I was considering completely giving up and committing myself to a life/death of bed rest and starvation and hypoglycemic comas, though my mum's really helping me down the 'other' road at the moment. I don't know what's down that road, but I know the first road would lead me to death before the years out. I hope we can both start down the more positive road, even if it's slow and long. I think NA or any of those meetings could be a really good idea, especially if they might help you.

    Stay safe. Thinking of you xx

    1. Oh did I post that before, my memory is so bad I don't even remember

      I can relate
      I really hope you go the other way Bella, your mother sounds a lot like mine, always supporting and hoping for the best
      Let's hope we can do this

      Thinking of you too x

  3. You should have told him. Next time? If NA will help, you should go so you can get the meds misuse back under control and have some support if using again starts to seem attractive. Imagine me as a little fairy on your shoulder whispering random "that's what she said!" and "Your mum" jokes in your ear to make you smile and feel more amused than anxious.

    Fuck Ed. Fuck losing another decade to this shit. Fuck losing your LIFE to this shit. The change won't come over night, it will come at a pace you can handle and can adapt to. You will be able to say "Hell no!" to things that make you feel uncomfortable until you're strong enough to handle them. You're worth the fight. You're worth a life where you do things that make YOU happy and not the evil little Ed voice. Coz fuck him, you're too good for him!

    I have no idea why people think this shit is glamorous. What on earth is glamorous about passing out in your own vomit? What is glamorous about having panic attacks in the supermarket when they're out of your safe foods? What is glamorous about being late to work because you were bingeing? Ugh, people need a fucking wake-up call.

    I'm not reading any more of TumblrBitch's text posts. I had a talk to Kerys about it today and got a few of my points clearer in my head. It still confuses me as to why someone who went through a suicide attempt would feel insulted by it *shrugs*

    I'm holding on. I promise. Pinkie Pie Promise.
    We can and we will beat this shit. We will beat it with a half-brick in a sock and stroll away like fucking badass Honeybadgers.

    Sending you many hugs and all my love from the other side of the world. Arohanui <3

  4. I will tell him Peri, next time

    Yay, I will imagine you on my shoulder as a little angel the the next time I go, he he!

    Exactly! What is glamorous about vomiting so much you burst a blood vessel in your eye

    I'm glad you're holding on, I will too

    Sending lots of love to you my dear friend on the other side of the world x

  5. Your posts always capture me from the first word to the last. There will never be anything good or glamorous about any ED. I wouldn't wish that to my worst enemy. You have been through so much in your life..sometimes its hard to even comment or say anything..But stay strong and optimistic, its never too late for anything. Life may surprise you. Take care...

  6. Thank you Lara,

    This is true, it's never too late to start over x

  7. Anything you think can help will help. Go to an NA or AA meeting, and make the best use of it that you can. If that doesn't work, try something else, and so on and so forth. It will take a lot of effort- more effort than most people will ever credit you for- but you've proven that you're strong and that you can do it.
    I second the voice in you that wants to leave ED in the dust.

    1. Thanks Emily, I am seriously thinking of going, now I just have to muster up the courage from somewhere x

  8. Dearest Ruby.. this post has bought tears to my eyes.. reading it, I can feel what you are going through, I seem to be a bit lost too my darling and I want so bad to see you fighting, I dont want you to end up the way it seems that girl you used to see on the beach ended up.. The image that conjured up for me is so distressing, cos my dear you are also a girl walking on a beach and I know I am not making sense.. I fear the worst for her and thus i fear for you too. please dont give up the fight darling. You are a beautiful person and there is a whole world waiting for you. Our addictions and demons dont have to control us.. I hope you feel better soon, and am crossing my fingers for you.

    take care of yourself for me please x
    love you x

    1. Darling Rayya, thank you so much for your kind words , they mean more than you know
      I understand what you mean when you say that I am also a girl walking on a beach, I hadn't thought of it like that
      I know you are struggling too and I just hope that both of us will be ok

      Love you too x


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