Monday 1 October 2012

Stay Strong!

I was flicking through the tv channels yesterday and I came across Demi Levato's documentary Stay Strong
I have seen the documentary before
But decided to watch it again
For those of you who don't know Demi, she was a child star and is now 23 and a singer and actress
I was always aware of Demi but it wasn't until she checked in to treatment in 2010 that I started to pay attention to her
She was in the middle of a tour when her family staged an intervention and she went straight to rehab for 'physical and emotional' problems
In reality Demi had been suffering from bulimia and depression for years and was also a self harmer
She described feeling fat at as young an age at 4
How her parents divorce affected her greatly
And how she had cripplingly low self esteem
Couple that with the pressure of being on tv and surrounded by skinny girls and an eating disorder was born
Like a lot of us she ploughed on regardless, taking on more and more work
She said she purged up to 6 times a day
She insisted she was fine but it was clear to those around her that she wasn't
She described being full of self hatred, fuelled by guilt and shame
She said  that she 'took it out on herself'
Eventually the family intervened and she went to treatment in October 2010 until January 2011

The documentary followed her on her first tour since coming out of treatment
She said that she couldn't say she hadn't purged or self harmed since leaving treatment
It showed her going home to Dallas for Thanksgiving and it was obvious that she was anxious
Her family was there and the house was filled with food
It was plain to see she was really struggling as she surveyed all the food
She made a phonecall to who I presume was another girl from treatment
It was touching to hear them give each other support and encouragement
It showed her eating lunch and she looked incredibly uncomfortable, glancing at other peoples plates an then declaring 'I'm uncomfortably full'

I could see a lot of sadness and pain still in Demi
The camera would catch her smiling but it would then break in to an expression of someone who looked a little bit lost
And of course she is a little bit lost
She is barely a year or two in to recovery and she is still so young
She said that she still battles everyday with body image
Made even more difficult by the fact that she gained 30lbs after leaving treatment
I thought she was so very brave to be honest about this
She could've put on an act for the documentary, painting a picture that everything was fan-fucking-tastic
But what she portrayed I think, was a realistic picture of recovery
It's not all rainbows and unicorn farts (to use a phrase of Peri's)
Recovery is hard
It's probably the hardest thing we will ever do in our lives
The temptation is always there to go back to old behaviours
Recovery is unkown territory
And it's a leap of faith
We're going down a path without knowing the outcome
Demi describes how recovery is not like bringing your car to a mechanic
You don't go in get fixed and come out brand new
She said it takes 'constant fixing'
I thought this was a really good metaphor
Recovery is not a destination
Recovery is the journey
It never ends
Recovery is working at it everyday

Even though there was alot of sadness in the documentary, the message I took from it was one of hope
She is incredibly open about her struggles and I think that has to be applauded
I read a blog over the weekend and the blogger and her commenters were talking about how Demi talks about her illness too much and how she is basically milking it for attention
I was blown away by this
Demi is breaking the silence by speaking out about her eating disorder
She could have easily put the troubles down to 'exhaustion'
But she didn't
She wants to help other young girls like herself who are suffering in silence
Surely as a fellow eating disorder survivor we should be supporting her not putting her down
Why shouldn't she talk about it?
It was a huge life changing event in her life
In the documentary it showed one of Demi's concerts and lots of girls queueing up outside
Girl after girl spoke about how Demi had helped them so much
'If Demi can do it then so can I' was quoted many times
One girl told how Demi gave her the courage to tell her parents about her own eating disorder and eventually went to treatment
That has to be a good thing

Another thing I took from the documentary is how it's so important to have something to put your energy in to in recovery
Demi has music and spoke about how it was the one thing getting her through the day
I don't consider myself to be in recovery but after watching this I thought maybe I am after all
I am fighting this thing
I do want to get well
Yes I still engage in behaviours but being in recovery isn't about being perfect
I always thought that I couldn't say I was in recovery until I  had everything sorted
Until I had recovery perfected
But maybe it's not like that at all
Maybe fighting every day does mean I'm in recovery
I don't want to be this way
I didn't invite this in to my life
Who would want to live this?
I sure don't

Overall I think Demi is an inspiration
She has been through a lot at such a young age and has come out on top
I also think it's great that she showed that you don't have to be emaciated to have an eating disorder
You can't tell by looking at someone if they have an eating disorder
They come in all shapes and sizes
From emaciated to obese and everything in between

So thanks Demi for teaching me a thing or two about my own battle


17 comments:

  1. You're absolutely right about recovery being a change, not a destination. And really, I don't think anyone can ever be perfect even if recovered; there will still be foods that you might be uncomfortable with, and there's definitely days your going to not love you're body as much, but any change that benefits you positively can only be good.

    I never really followed her, but my little sister watched the Disney channel a lot when she was on it, so I knew who she was. I was curious about her story when it came out she had an eating disorder and want to see this doc.


    And also thank you for all your kind comments. I think ive scared a lot of my readers away, and all the people that are still there mean a lot to me <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your welcome Clytie, I just hope that you can find peace of mind x

    ReplyDelete
  3. This was really fascinating to read, I didn't know that about Demi...
    Recovery is an ongoing process, but realising you need to get better, or at least wanting to get better, is definitely a first step. Everyday is a struggle, a fight against our own minds.
    But we are fighting, we are.
    One day we will win.
    Keep strong Ruby. X

    ReplyDelete
  4. I absolutely love Demi Lovato. Before her going into rehab, I thought she was just another molded Disney star, but I love her now. you are absolutely right, you can't tell an ED from the outside. I learned this weekend one of my close friends has been recovering, and we talked openly about it, and it was strange speaking those words out loud. But I'm happy you found hope in it. I like this post much better than the past couple of ones, it's much more Ruby-esque :) Love ya hon, take care <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Sweetie, I know my last couple of posts were very negative and depressing and you're right, this is much more me

      Love ya too x

      Delete
  5. Yet again another of your posts has bought tears to my eyes. She is an inspiration. Talking about an eating disorder is so hard. I remember in one of your posts you wrote how when the nurse told you you had anorexia you got angry. Well it was the same for me. When I was younger when the word "anorexia" was thrown at me I immediately became defensive. I did not want to even admit it to myself let alone other people. In my life not many people know about it, people suspect.. my family knows.. a handful of friends.. but I couldnt imagine going about life with everyone in the world knowing. That must be so hard. That must take so much courage and bravery and emotional upheaval to do. To be so open about it. Talking about an eating disorder is hard enough, but sharing it with the world is a whole different ball game. I cant imagine how hard it must have been for Demi to be so open about it and she should be applauded and supported not looked down upon. She is as you said an inspiration.

    Thank you for yet another amazing post, yet more proof that you are an amazing writer..

    Dont let anyone tell you differently.

    All my love darling I hope you are well <3
    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you darling Rayya, you are sweet

      Yes, it must be so difficult for Demi and she is helping so many people with her story, she's inspiring people to break the silence

      Love you always x

      Delete
  6. After reading your post I watched it too and I wanted to thank you. I didn't know bout the existance of this documentary, and it made me feel somehow... stronger. Thank you. Keep strong.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm so glad it helped you!

    Stay strong x

    ReplyDelete
  8. I so have to watch that Doco now! Thank you! *Glomps*

    Those people: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!? *Sigh* I think she is incredibly brave and doing something very admirable: Being OPEN and HONEST and inviting dialogue and dispelling myths as well as she can while fighting for her life and making music. She is showing REALITY and not perpetuating the stupid fucking myths that end up killing o many people. Haters gonna hate, don't feed the parasprites.

    She's right, I think you need something besides the illness and the fight against it to think about or you'll go completely bonkers! Focusing on what you're passionate about also helps you build enthusiasm for life and gives you something that provides continuancy into the future. You have so much that is familiar that you're focusing on ending, but this GOOD thing will still be there and will help give you an anchor while everything is changing and bucking around like a crazy bull.

    I think that black-and-white thinking, of "I have to be perfect in every detail or I'm a fuckup" is what screws a lot of people when it comes to recovery. Persephone sent me a copy of "Perfection: Anorexia and me" in which the author describes what you just said: She went from being the "perfect" anorexic to the "perfect" anorexic-in-recovery. The focus on being perfect is the same rigid, inflexible disorder-brain-talk with a different focus. Everyone is different, every life is different, every disorder and recovery is different and life itself can be just plain messy at times. The same uncompromising thought processes and guilt loop trapping you all over again.

    Anyone who would WANT to live this is certifiable. Completely fucking INSANE.

    So long as you're fighting you're in recovery. Yup.

    I had a really cool idea today. You're 30, right? This is your first NaNo, right? How about doing NaNo 10 books in 10 years? Lol, or at least 10 first drafts. That's like 3.3 trilogies, or 2.5 quadrilogies, or two trilogies and a quadrilogy. Sound tempting? :p

    Madness?!? THIS. IS. NAAAAAAANOOOOOOOO!!!!

    You're amazing, Ruby. Kia kaha, love <3

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hey Peri,

    This is so true, fighting does mean that we are in recovery
    We are so hard on ourselves, we need to give ourselves a break and count the positive steps we are taking.
    Mary gave me homework this week, to write a list of my achievements from the last few months, I haven't done it yet but maybe it will show mE how far I've come

    That's a great idea, do you have an idea for this year?
    Is it ok to write my memoirs as that's what I want to write about?

    Love you x

    ReplyDelete
  10. ruby, peri is right, fighting does mean that you are in recovery. and i know you have the potential to be a role model just like demi. and writing your memoirs and publishing them would be an excellent way of inspiring a lot of people. go girl!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Loulou you read my mind, my brother is a writer and we were talking at the weekend about writing my story in a book format.
    I would love to do this, I just don't know where to start.

    Hope you are ok

    Love ya x

    ReplyDelete
  12. start with the things most relevant to you, the things that "write themselves", chronological order can be applied later, just start
    x

    ReplyDelete
  13. I guess that's the hard part, getting started but I will it a go x

    ReplyDelete
  14. hey little ruby :)
    please find me,
    i had to move,
    you know me and I love you muchly x

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x