Monday, 22 October 2012

The Experiment

It's Monday morning
I like Mondays
You get to start over on Monday
You get to wipe the slate clean
Start afresh
Whatever your doing, a diet, trying recovery, Monday is a good day to start
The start of a new week with 7 whole days to meet your goal
Anything is possible on a Monday
I'm sure people the world over wake up on a Monday morning  with renewed energy and determination to meet their goals
I like Mondays because I am nice and clean after my weekly shower on a Sunday night
Yes I said weekly, I only manage one a week because I can't bear the cold
All nice and squeaky clean
All the dirt, grime and hate washed away
Of course I  may also like Mondays because I get all my meds

In my case my new start began on Saturday
I saw Mary on Friday and since I started seeing her all those months ago,  she has been trying to get me to engage in what she calls 'regular eating'
In other words, breakfast, lunch and dinner and maybe a couple of snacks
Since time began people have been eating three meals a day but to me it's rather a new concept
I haven't eaten three square meals a day without purging since I was a child
In fact the prospect is terrifying
My pattern has bounced from restricting to binging and purging
Usually fasting all day  and then binging and purging in the evening
Mary calls this 'debiting'
Saving up all your calories for a certain time
She said that when I started eating regularly that I may lose weight
Well she didn't need to say anymore
Sign me up!
So we worked out a rough meal plan
I decided to have my 'last supper' on Friday ie I binged and purged to my hearts content. with a steely resolve to start my new regime on Saturday
So how have I got on?
Well ok,  I suppose
I've been eating breakfast, lunch and dinner
Albeit very low calorie foods like soup and vegetables but I have been eating three meals
It's evenings that are the problem
I ended up having a sandwich both nights and purging
So I may need to make some adjustments
Maybe have a substantial snack in the evening
As I say, this is an experiment
Or more like a last ditch attempt to regain some control over my eating
If I maintain my weight again this week or God forbid gain weight, the experiment will be abandoned and I will take more drastic action

Exercise is still very much a problem
Immediately after eating I'm either going for a walk or using my stepper for 40mins
So I guess I am still purging
But it's the only way I can eat and not throw up at the moment
I suppose exercise is the lesser of two evils right now

Does anyone watch Downton Abbey?
It's a Sunday night must for me
There are three sisters in the programme and I can't help but draw comparisons between myself and my own two sisters
The oldest is straight forward and single minded just like my oldest sister
The middle one is slightly awkward and a bit of an outsider, very much like the middle sister in my family
And then the youngest, a rebel and the baby of the family, a bit like me
Last week the youngest daughter died in child birth
I found it very difficult to watch
It was like getting a glimpse in to what it would be like if I died
What my family would go through
Needless to say the family on Downton were heartbroken
My own suicidal ideation is still very much there
A passive death wish
Not actively seeking death but welcoming it
It's a bit sick really, fantasising about your own death but there it is
Getting my meds is a trigger
The temptation to save them all up is great
It would be easier to do it if people didn't care so much
If I didn't think of the devastation it would cause it would be simple
It would be the end of my problems but it would be the beginning of a world of hurt for my family
Sometimes I try to figure out who would most be able to cope with finding me
My mother?
No, it would kill her
My father?
The same
It's really the one thing that stops me and I suppose it's as good a reason as any
It's enough
They say you should get well for yourself, do it for yourself
But I guess if your doing it for someone else it has the same outcome

Sometimes I feel too far gone
That the damage has been done
I try to picture my self having a 'normal' life
With a job, a boyfriend, hobbies and friends
I can't imagine it
But since when have I ever been normal?
In truth I don't want to be normal
I don't want to be average
Ever since I was a child I have had a feeling that I would do something different
Something out of the ordinary
I was always told that I had 'great potential'
But what does that mean?
That I could so something great
No guarantees
Just as I type this 'Don't stop believing' came on the radio
'Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world'
Well I am always looking for signs!

With all that said I was wondering about you
Have you given up?
Do you believe that you'll be this way forever?
Or do you believe that there is light at the end of this dark tunnel?


  1. Hey gorgeous.

    I'm really happy to hear you are experimenting this new kind of healthy life(I'm experimenting too =)).Yeah, I know that eating 3meals per day sounds so bad, but it should really speed up your metabolism and make things work a lot easier(not to mention, if your body gets food 3-5 times a day, even if small portions, it's gonna be harder to end up binging once you get used to the routine).

    About the imagining your own death thing, once a pshychiatrist told me it's not that unusual among people. I've imagined (without planning it) my death sooo many times since I was basically a child!

    I also think that when people say you should try to get better for yourself, even if they don't realize that, they actually mean for everybody, also themselves.
    Because we're all on the same boat. We can try our best to help each other as long as we are all together. People are mean, most of the times. But people are mean cause they are fucking afraid to fall off the boat. Bloody afraid of what's beyond that. And bloody afraid to be left alone.
    I still consider suiciding sometimes, but I'm not sure it would be worth it.After all, ok, what are we doing here? Is there really any point in being here?I'll die anyway, so maybe if I die now I'll just skip some neverending pain and illusions of happiness that will soon be broken...But thinking about it more carefully, there's not much point in killing your self before time either. Life is difficult, and full of pain and shit and little sparkles of happy moments, alright. And maybe there's nothing really worth fighting for and we're all making stupid illusions to go on.
    So what?
    We're human. We're fragile, we're scared, yet we have the power to go on through this shitty life. Plus, we have the power to help each other. That won't work all the times. But if our boat is gonna collapse anyway, at least I think we should get the best out of the experience. There are some good things in life. Maybe we are scared to look at them cause we're afraid of loving them too much and suffer too much when we'll have to let them go.

    You are not far gone.No damnage has really be done.Life has this little advantage: you CAN make things. you CAN change them!
    I loath the sense of routine and of being common too. But maybe we should stop thinking through categories. Everybody has their own story. and we'd all fit in the same "human" category anyway.
    But does that really matter?
    People who care enough will see how outstanding you are, and not because you don't have the classical "common" life, but because there's something in you that nobody else has.
    We often say and think sentences such as "food doesn't define who you are". That's right. But being obsessionated by not eating it don't we relate the concept of food (or lack of) to what we are?

    I HATE when people say "you have a great potential". That's so superficial.
    I think that everybody IS great, even if everybody will need other people to show how great he or she is. It's not a matter of "loving yourself", which sounds so ridicolously impossible. It's a matter of realizing that you are yourself and there's no other better way of being. Just different.

    "Light at the end of the tunnel"? What tunnel? yes what is this tunnel? I know it's a picture I have always thought about too...but being the tunnel my life, I'm not sure I'd ever be able to see the light. Maybe it would be easier if we stopped thinking about "dark vs light", cause there's no way everything is ever gonna be perfect. The tunnel is just in our mind. I guess we should just look up and see there's no other ceiling but sky, which may have some clouds at the times, but after some time you'll always see the sun again.

    Will it be worth it? I don't know.
    Let's just say it's my experiment to find out. =)

    Wish you the best XO

    1. Thank you sweetie for sharing that

      I'm glad you are so positive, it's something I really struggle with but today I am feeling good.

      Love to you x

  2. I LOVE this post. It is so optimistic. And yeah. I've always known that mondays are a 'fresh start' kind of day, but never really thought about it in those terms. So thank you for adding a little light to my day.

    I'm also majorly in love with Downton. I was totally wrecked when Sybil died. Sad panda. I do LOVE Matthew Crawley. Like totally in love. :)

    I have kinda resigned myself to the fact that I will be like this forever, but the thought doesn't really bug me all that much, because I think being thin and I can't really see any other way of doing it. So... lesser of two evils really.

    Anyway, thanks lady. Great post. Xo

    1. Thank you Piggy!

      Yea it is strange for me to be so positive, I didn't realise it was positive until I read it back.

      I know poor Sybil, she was such a great character.

      I'm the same Piggy, I 've accepted that this is the way I am and I'm kind of ok with that

      Love to you x

  3. I love the more optimistic tone of this post. I agree, Mondays are sometimes a better way to start new. This morning wasn't that great because I slept through one of my early classes, but it's been going okay so far. Good luck with the normal eating, I'm like..having to remind myself to eat? Or like, buy something so I'll eat it? Idk, my appetite has been weird lately. I'm forcing myself to eat just so I won't fast, because that's not good.
    in honesty, I don't think I'll be this way forever. I probably will never have the best relationship with food, but I hope that I can overcome this and not fall into a terrible cycle for years. I just hope I can make healthy lifestyle changes and learn how to deal with things in a better fashion that don't include self destructing. I wanna say "Oh, everything will be okay" even though I know life is going to get worse before it gets really good. I mean, I'm only 19, I can't predict what's going to happen to me once I get out of the safety net of college. But I'm an optimist, so I always hope for the best.
    I hope this week works out for you. Don't worry too much if you're not eating too much at first, you can't automatically jump in there to 3 meals and snacks everyday. Hell, I'm still only at 2 meals really. Depends what you consider a meal..
    Love you hon, stay awesome! Good luck!

    1. Thanks sweets, it's great to have the support of everyone, it makes it that bit easier.

      I'm glad you are optimistic that you won't be like this forever.
      You are still so young and have everything to live for.
      Don't end up like me 12 years down the road and still entrenched in this cruel illness.

      Love you too x

  4. Hey darling <3
    I am glad you are trying.. the whole eating three meals thing is hard for me too. I dont know how people do it, I havent done it for a long time too, I hope it works and yes exercise is the lesser of the two evils <3 dont give up yet <3 x

    1. Thanks Rayya, I'm going to give it a shot anyway, we'll see how it goes x

  5. Every new hour we have the ability to start again and change things, we never loose that power -only forget. I hope your experiment goes well this week, you can make it through!

  6. Hmmm, I've been in remission from anorexia for a long time, but I don't think it's possible to completely recover in the sense that you might never become sick again, because the predisposition is always there. Given the right conditions I could relapse, but it's not like I'm looking over my shoulder all the time for the boogeyman.

    I have given up on ever recovering from depression, though. The only thing which helps significantly is anorexia. Talk about a catch 22. Both illnesses could kill me.

    1. I agree Sam, like any addiction the illness is always there but I think we learn to manage it rather than it x

  7. “She said that when I started eating regularly that I may lose weight”

    I was watching a PBS documentary about eating disorders, mostly about anorexia in ballet. There was this ballerina who had an ED and was underweight, but then she faltered and began gaining weight. When she joined with a new company, the director had her go to a dietician whose specialty was ballerinas with EDs. The dancer said she was amazed that she lost weight "just by eating 30 grams of fat a day" (since she was previously on a no-fat diet).

    1. Hey Nichole, I read an article recently that said we actually need to eat fat in order to burn fat, it feels counter intuitive but Mary tells me it's true x

  8. Argh! Wrote a comment and it got deleted! Stupid blogger!

    Relating to the above comment, eating regularly is good for the metabolism. I remember reading an analogy of the metabolism being a little like a fire. Give it too much fuel and once it flares up and dies down, too little and it does down, but if you fuel it constantly then it will continue to burn. If your body gets what it needs it will maintain it's weight with little effort at all.

    I know this and I know you know this, however I understand how hard it is to put it into practice. Sometimes it is always 'one more day.'

    We are all addicts after all...

    For me, I am a healthy weight now, but I work hard to stay this way. I don't think 'recovery' is 'snapping out of it.' I believe it is a more gradual process and always requires work. You've beaten drug addiction, and in a way, beating eating disorders is similar.

    NO! Not Sybil!


    1. I love that analogy about the fire Mary, it really makes sense.
      My experiment had a bit of a blip yesterday and I binged and purged but I'm back on track today.

      I agree we are all addicts and you are right, recovery is a process not a destination

      I know I loved Sybill, she was a great character, why do they always kill the good ones x

  9. I love fresh starts on Mondays, too. However my fresh starts are usually Tuesday or Wednesday now, after I've seen my dietician. I can relate to the weekly showers - I had mine yesterday (Monday as well) so I'm all clean for my appointments. So many reasons why I only bathe once a week, though all of them are physical/comfort issues caused by my ED like heat exhaustion and blood pressure drops and being unable to sit in the tub. To be honest I'm always glad to know I'm not the only one who only bathes once a week.

    Ruby, dear, I am so happy that you're attempting to start a regular eating pattern. It works wonders, and trust me your body will 'catch up' and your weight will even out, even if it fluctuates up one week. I've been eating consistent amounts every day for four months now, and even though my weight has gone up and down, I'm still the same weight as I started (maybe 1-2lb less even). Four months ago, if I ate 1,200 calories I'd gain 2lb+ on the scales the next day, but now I maintain eating it every day, and I'm sure I could stand to add a few more hundred without gaining if I keep working towards it slowly. But the moral is, that you need to trust your body. It won't make you gain ridiculous amounts of weight on ridiculously small amounts of food - it will even out, trust me. I really hope you have the strength to continue with this regular eating plan.

    For me, I've given up. I gave up before my ED developed, really. Between depression, severe anxiety, C-PTSD and the plethora of shit I already had going on pre-ED, I gave up. At the moment I think I'm fighting to stay 'given up', if that makes sense. I am giving everything I have, to not get better. As you know, I'm going to every length to avoid hospitals and full recovery and weight restoration and psychiatrists. I think I'm just waiting for the time that my body just 'stops', or when I snap again and stop eating flat-out. I don't want to get better because I don't believe I can. If my ED gets pushed back, then all my other issues will surface, and I would rather die than deal with them.

    You may enjoy this, I think it's a good definition of normal/regular eating:

    All my love to you miss Ruby, please take care of youself


    1. Thank you dear Bella, I'm also glad that I'm not the only one who has trouble with showering. I really have psyche myself up to have one but I always feel lovely afterwards so it's worth the cold and discomfort.

      I'm sorry to read that you feel like you have given up but I know the feeling. I really can't imagine myself having a 'normal' life.
      Please don't give up Bella, you are too beautiful and too smart to waste your life on this cruel illness.
      Keep fighting,
      Don't ever give up

      Sending you all my love and a hug x

  10. An evening snack or having more protein and complex carbs at dinner would help if it's hunger that's driving you to B/P in the evenings. If it's habit, it'll take longer to break. 52 repetitions for something to stick in your brain/become a habit apparently. (Why I write kanji out so many times)

    You may gain a bit due to fluid retention caused by your body using some of this intake to carry out repairs or because you have some stuff in your gut. It's won't be all 'you' it will be 'you and some transient passengers'

    Omg it's like the opposite of our family. My youngest brother is the most accomplished. Mum was mellowing a bit by the time he grew up, but from how he doesn't ring her too mush either I assume he remembers some of it.

    That same thought is why I'm trying to get my shit together before moving in with my mates and their kids. The thought of Laure or Cassie finding my corpse horrifies me no end. I couldn't do that to them.

    After experiencing what you have and enduring what you have I don't think you'll ever be average. Something I'm trying to get my head around is that everyone's bar is at a different point. Everyone has different levels of ability and that is ok. (Trying to apply this to MYSELF is what I'm trying to get my head around) For some people living an ordinary live is extraordinary. For some people doing feats of strength of science or art is an everyday occurrence. If you fight for it and grab it by the tail and wrestle it into a headlock, whatever YOUR version of a 'normal' happy life will be a completely different beast to anyone else's. Don't judge yourself by the standards our culture demands of us. Judge yourself by YOU and where you've been and where you're going.

    Your 'something great' will be what you chose it to be. YOU get to pick it. If someone else tries to tell you what it should be, you don't HAVE to listen to them.

    I gave up on myself years ago. Only the fear of being put at my parent's mercy has kept me functional. I've come to the conclusion that if the best I can do is simply manage the depression to have some form of 'quality of life' then so be it, I'll enjoy my motorbike and crafts until I inevitably cave to it. One of the main perks to staying around, of course, is crazy fuckers like these people DAMMIT I WANNA BE OLD ENOUGH TO JOIN!!1!

    I don't think you're too far gone. Yes damage has been done, but the scars it leaves don't have to dictate who you are and what you do and how you live. So what if your 'normal life' happens to include more dogs than kids, more custom dolls and driftwood furniture than someone else's? Who the fuck defined what "normal" was, anyway? Why should we let peer pressure tell us how to look and what to drive and how to act? If I want to put on a pink wig and dance Gangnam Style on stilts at the park THEN I BLOODY WELL WILL because my 'normal' holds a bit more nerdery and circus sheninigans than the average person's.

    This is an adventure, not a destination. People who focus in getting from A to B miss all the cool stuff in the middle and are boring as all fuck to boot.

    Be you, be awesome, find what your version of a happy, interesting life would look like and tell anyone who tries to tell you it's 'weird' or 'boring' to go fuck themselves.


    1. Good advice Peri, I think I will add in another snack in the evening. The good thing about this is that it's an experiment, I can try different things and see what works for me.

      There is no such thing as normal and I don't think I'd like to be normal. I like that I'm a bit different and a bit quirky.
      Who wants to be a clone of someone else? I sure don't.

      I haven't quite given up yet, I'm giving recovery one last shot. I have nothing to lose right?

      Love you Peri,

      Carrots and parsnips for the little green island x

  11. P.S.

    Omg I'm sorry I wrote a bloody essay. NaNo prep+rant=essay. SORRY! D:

    I've not had lice yet *crosses fingers* I think my need for leave-in conditioner puts them off a bit. The worst I've seen was on my brother's mate when he didn't look after his dreadlocks. They were fully mature and were eating chunks of his scalp *shudders* Mum gave me her trainee-hairdresser's terror of them, I'm afraid.

    Love you so much. You look after yourself too, ok? Good luck with the rest of your week <3


  12. I love Downton Abby, but the current season doesn't air in the US until January!! I can't believe Cybil dies! :(



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