A Pill for every ill

I saw my doctor on Monday
I really wanted to talk to him about my meds
I'm on methadone, olanzapine and mirtazapine
I take the methadone, I have no problem with that
But up until a few weeks ago I wasn't taking the olanzapine or mirtazapine
However I started taking them about a month ago because my mood was so low
Within a couple of weeks I started to feel bloated
So I looked up mirtazapine on google and was shocked with what I found
Person after person reporting unexplained weight gain since starting on this drug
I don't need to tell you how upset I was to read this
I immediately stopped taking both the olanzapine (as I know it can have the same effect) and the mirtazapine
So I questioned my doctor on Monday
He weighed me (I didn't look) and checked my weight since I had started taking it
Since I was first prescribed it in March there was no weight gain for 4 months
But then I wasn't taking it but he doesn't know that
He said it was only recently I had gained - since I really started taking it
Yes I guess I should be honest with him
He can only really help me if I tell him the truth
He spent about half an hour trying to placate me and said the weight gain could be down to any number of factors
But the thought that there is something in my body affecting my weight apart from what I eat is incredibly scary
So I'm not going to take it
No freakin' way
You can't just fatten me up like a pig and then congratulate yourself because I'm 'cured'
You can keep your mirtazapine thank you very much
And it baffles me why my doctors put me on these meds when they know the side effects could have this effect on me
Don't they know the damage it could do?
So it was either be fat and sedated or thin and lucid
I don't need to tell you which one I chose



I've been on methadone now  for almost 8 years
It's hard to believe that it's been that long
In reality a person is not really supposed to be kept on it this long
It should be a stop gap, a stepping stone between using and being completely clean
Although I've been on it this long, I've only been clean the last couple of years
I started out on 70mls and over the years worked my way down to 30mls
No mean feat
I originally went on methadone not because I wanted to get clean but because I didn't want to be sick
Methadone comes in handy if you've ran out of drugs
Yes, methadone has helped me to get clean off drugs but now I am addicted to it and I have a very real fear about coming off it
It has also destroyed my teeth as it is full of sugar




They say that methadone is harder to come off than heroin
They say it gets in to your bones
I've experienced methadone withdrawal a few times and I would have to agree that it is more difficult to detox
I've found that man made, synthetic drugs can be much trickier to come off than natural drugs
I remember Christmas a  few years ago
My family and I went away for Christmas
I was on methadone at the time but decided to treat myself for Christmas and brought heroin instead of methadone
I brought what I thought was enough for the 4 days
But I was always a greedy addict and had used all my drugs by the third day
This meant I had a full day and night with nothing
Withdrawals start out innocent enough
Your nose starts to run and you can't stop yawning
That I can handle
But as the last traces of the drug leave your body about 12 hours later, things start to get ugly

A dull ache sets in to your bones, so matter what position your in you can't get comfortable
You alternate between being freezing cold and boiling hot
I don't know which is worse
Sweat pours out of you like rain, you should really have a bath but that would mean moving
By now you have excruciating pains in your stomach
Opiates have a side effect of constipation which quickly turns to diarrhea if you haven't used in a while
Night is approaching but you can forget about sleep





Now you can look froward to a whole night of physical and mental torture
Everything hurts from your hair to your teeth
Everyone else in the world  is asleep and you feel utterly alone
It's just you and pain
Minutes feel like hours
The bed is soaked through with sweat
It feels like your body is trying to turn inside out



In a moment of complete desperation you fish the tinfoil you were smoking the drugs on out of the bin
You pray there is something left on it
You look for traces of black tar, hoping to see it bubble and smoke
There's a trace but not nearly enough to help your situation
You try to watch tv but you can't concentrate
All you can do is curl up in the foetal position under the covers and pray for this night to be over



For years I abused my methadone and other meds
It's only recently I started taking them properly
I do think that meds have a place in treating addiction and mental health illness but I don't think that we should be left on them indefinitely as I have
I think they should be used in conjunction with therapy such as CBT
For after all they don't solve the problem, they just put a band aid over the wound
We should be given better ways to cope with our problems and not given a pill for every ill

When I was in treatment I was put on a lot of meds
I remember seeing other patients queuing up to get their sleeping tablets at night
Being an addict I decided that I wanted sleeping pills too
After complaining that I couldn't sleep (big lie) I was put on zimovaine
I was on so much meds that every time I sat down I fell asleep
I was basically out of my head so of course I didn't get better, if anything I got worse



In the summer of 2004 I went to England to do a drug detox
The place was called the Stapleford Centre in London
I remember my doctor was called Dr Kindness
He prescribed me subutex, valium, clonazapine and zimovaine
Again far too much medication for someone trying to get clean
I spent that summer in a stupor
After I completed  the 'detox' I had a naltraxone implant implanted in my side
In effect it was an opiate blocker - if I used I would get nothing off it
It would last 6 months
I spent the next 6 months in treatment and was on no meds at all
I left treatment with a healthy body and mind
Completely drug free
But almost 6 months to the day I relapsed
The implant was still working but I used anyway
A kind of placebo effect
I've since heard that the Stapleford Centre was closed due to prescribing too liberally

Ironically it's the times that I've been off meds that I seem to do well
I feel clear headed and alert
Now if only my doctors would realise this

Are you on any medication?
How do you find it?