Thursday, 21 February 2013

Silver Linings

I started writing this blog about 8 months ago
I had been reading blogs for a while before I finally decided to write my own
My family are all big readers and my brother is a writer so I've always had a love of books and writing
I started writing because I wanted to connect with others who are in the position as me
I thought that we could help each other
And having pushed all my friends away I really needed like minded people to talk to
Starting this blog turned out to be one of the better decisions I have made
I remember getting my first comment and my first follower
I was so  happy that someone had taken the time to read what I had written
Writing has given me a purpose
A reason to get up in the morning
Writing this blog has literally saved my life over and over again

I wanted to write about this today as my doctor raised some concerns about my blog
He wonders if it hinders me rather than helps me
He says people who have full and happy lives don't have time to blog
I don't think I agree with that but I can see his point in some ways
As well as all the positives there are a couple of negatives
When I write I tend to only write about my eating disorder or drug addiction
Him and Mary are always telling me that I need to find other interests
That I need to spend less time on my eating disorder
I agree with this
Out of the 24 hours in a day, I spend about 23 hours reading, writing, thinking and talking about my eating disorder
Everything else plays second fiddle
Their point is that if I found something else to do then I wouldn't be giving so much attention to my eating disorder
But so far I haven't been able to do this

Also reading other blogs I run the risk of being triggered
And there is the temptation to compare myself to others
I find reading other peoples weight very triggering
That's part of the reason that I don't reveal mine
I read a mixture of recovery blogs and blogs of people who are choosing not to recover
I guess that's a reflection of my state of mind
Somewhere between the two
But then again triggers are absolutely everywhere
On tv
In magazines
On the street
On the internet
So it's hard to escape them
It's up to me how I respond to them

But overall blogging has been a really positive thing for me
I've met some truly dear friends here
Friends that I've grown to love and really care about
We may never meet each other
We might not even know each others real names
But we identify with each other
We are all living different version of the same life
My blog is my safe place
A place to vent
To share my sorrow and happiness
To share my darkest secrets
Painful memories
To let the demons out of my head

To tell the things I can't tell anyone else
Where I can truly be me without fear of judgement
We have a unique community here
We come from the 4 corners of the earth but we are bound by a common thread
We are eating disordered
We are hurting
We are lonely
We are a bit lost
We are struggling
We don't know where we are going
Geographically we are worlds apart
We are different ages, races and nationality
We may never meet or speak
But I consider you some of my best friends

We know exactly how each other is feeling
Some of us are hanging on by our fingertips
Some of us are in pain that is almost impossible to bear
We are fighting a battle every minute of every day
Some of us just want to disappear
Some of us have given up hope
Food and weight rule our lives
Our every waking moment
No else understands but us
They try but they can't

We are all at different stages
Some of us are in recovery
Some are dipping their toe in
Some of us choose not
But we are all in this together
I receive unwavering support from you girls
And for that I am eternally grateful

In treatment, at meetings, in my life and through this blog I have met some amazing people
People suffering with eating disorders are some of the most beautiful, caring, loving, talented, artistic and sensitive people I have ever met
I think we are hyper sensitive
We feel pain and hurt so very easily
But it also means that we feel compassion and empathy for others
I think about the friends I've made here a lot
I wonder how you are doing
I worry if you are going through a hard time
Sometimes bloggers disappear
One day they are there and the next they are gone
I wonder what happened to them
Did they recover?
Did they get worse?
Dis they go to treatment?
Did they die?

This blog and you girls have literally saved my life over and over again
Reading comments makes my day
I've been shown such unconditional love and support that sometimes it's overwhelming
I don't consider myself a great speaker so writing is ideal for me
And I've discovered a real passion for it

I feel so blessed to be part of your journey
To get a glimpse in to your world
Some of you know me better than my own family 
They say every cloud has a silver lining and my silver lining is definitely the people I have met over the years
In hospital
In treatment
And here
People I would never have met other wise
You all have helped me more than you know
To know that I am not alone is something so precious
To know that you understand
That you feel the same
That you've been there too means so much

Having said all that I was wondering about you?
How long have you been blogging?
Has it been a positive or a negative in your life?


  1. I don't comment much but I read every post. I am so glad to be able to know you and you are an amazing writer, I started blogging about a year ago and it has been such an amazing experience for me. Without blogging I don't think I would be where I am today. The people who comment on my blog make me smile just because they give such unconditional support and love. It's amazing. Xxx

    1. I agree CJ, blogging has most definitely been a positive experience for me
      I'm glad it is for you too
      Keep writing x

  2. I love your blog to really keeps me going during the bad days :) I agree with the vast majority of what you just said, particually about everyone on here being some of my best friends even though we hardly know each other away from our EDNO's. I only started blogging towards the end of last year, but I was keeping a journal/diary about my EDNO's since god only knows when. It has definitely, definitely had a positive effect on my life and continues to :D. xxxxx

    1. Thank you Emily
      I'm going to check out your blog right now x

  3. I learned something huge last week. A friend's son was murdered and the funeral was last Saturday. It was a hellish day and I am still recovering. While I was sitting in the church reflecting I realized that being around overly emotional people is very triggering for me. I have extreme anxieties (as well as a long list of other issues) and being around anxious people really set me off. But, I would never think of distancing myself from friends in need. Recognizing triggers is important so I can emotionally prepare myself.

    I started blogging six years ago. I was battling breast cancer at the time and found blogging to be very helpful. It's been years since I've been truthful on it however. Some days I want to start fresh and really open my soul. Maybe I will. I don't know yet.

    Hugs to you dear Ruby. I appreciate your blog more than you will know.

    1. Gosh JJ, I am so sorry to read this
      That is really shocking
      My thoughts are with you and your friend

      Why do you not use your blog to open your soul?
      It should be a safe place for you to do just that
      I know this blog is really the only place that I am truly honest

      Hugs to you too JJ

      Stay strong x

  4. Um you tell your doctor that one girl in college that blogs has five classes (one of which a very time consuming lab), two jobs, a research assistant position in a psych research lab (which isn't one of the two jobs), president of her hall, and still participates in student government outside her hall and has time to blog. Oh, I have A's and B's too, so fuck off lol. Tell him the reason she isn't happy is because college expects too much in too little time otherwise I would be. :P
    I see what he means but some people blog for a job. Some people blog just to blog like Jenna Marbles. She's a hit here on YouTube. Some days I just read them and don't feel like doing my homework. It depends on the day.
    I started December 2 and ad to learn to comment for people to look at yours. I was nervous as to whether they would even want to read mine. I'm a 22 year old in college with a usual crap relationship I won't give up and an ED relapse. Life is pretty much the same every day, but I try to talk about not just me but what people and life mean to me.
    Thankfully you held on. :) I haven't had a negative experience yet. I read some ht just annoy me because this isn't anorexic boot camp. It's not a prestigious award. That kinda makes me sick.
    I love your blog and I love you and how good you've been to me dear.

    1. He he, I'll tell him what you said
      I don't think I entirely agree with what my doctor said
      I know lots of people who have full lives and still find time to write
      I think if you love it you will make time for it

      I'm glad you started blogging and allowed us to have a glimpse in to your life

      Love you too x

    2. I know right?!!! About college??? 17 credit hours, a job, a sorority (really time consuming stuff with 2 positions within it), two other student organizations, plus all the random stuff I do on my own time like studying, working out, and recovery. Time my ass, tell him to go back to uni with a full class and social schedule AND the stress of hating yourself. please, like a week, let's see how that goes.

  5. I love this post!
    I know what you mean with spending so much time thinking, talking etc. about our disorders. It's a full-time job, with no breaks.
    I've been blogging due around 8 months too. I think it's been a positive experience, despite some negatives. Like you I read blogs anonymously for a long time before I signed up. The wonderful girls I've met on here, yourself obviously included, will always be on my mind and in my heart. There's a lot of worry and fear having so many ill friends, but that's no reason to avoid having the friends in the first place. Blogger has been the most social contact I've had in a long time, so it's definitely been a positive.

    Stay safe dearest Ruby, sending you love & hugs xxxx

    1. That's cool, we both started blogging around the same
      Great minds and all that

      Blogging really is the highlight of my day but yes it is worrying that so many of us are in the grip of this illness

      Love you sweetheart
      Sending you a big hug x

  6. Like you, I've really found blogging to be a good outlet for me. There are certain things that I can just share and be honest about and I know I'm not being judged. And then of course, when someone can identify with it, it makes me feel much less alone, and there's a lot of comfort in that. I've also made some really great friends in the year since I've been blogging. Keep on writing and sharing!

    1. Me too Alie, I've met the most amazing and strong girls here
      We've all been through a lot and we are stronger for it

      Keep writing too lovely x

  7. I don't know if it's good or bad, it's detrimental at times but also a good release and most of all I feel it has helped me feel like less of an alien. It's helped me feel like there are people out there who feel what I feel, I have made best friends and cried and laughed with the people I have met. And I am thankful to blogging for allowing me to meet an incredible person like you, and so many other amazing people too.


    1. Dearest Rayya, I am blessed to have met you too
      You've seen me at my best and at my worst and shown unwavering support
      For that I am so grateful

      Hope you're ok x

  8. You guys are seriously the most awesome people ever. I've had my blog for about two years now, which is strange it doesn't feel like it. I actually got into this disease through blogs too...I admittedly fell in love with the pro-ana blogs and sort of tried to become like it, and then poof, it was just easier to stay stuck.

    But like you said, some people on here are my best friends. You know more of me than anyone, and I'm happy to have a community that gets me. As far as your blog hindering your recovery, I don't think it does. I continue writing about my life in reocvery, because if I didn't have a place to vent or ask questions, I would be so far gone by now. And I really appreciate anyone that reads my blog. And I love you for always being so open and awesome and sharing your life and becoming a friend :) Love you so much hon!!

    1. Thank you for such lovely words, you are a star
      I think you were my first comment and I remember I was so delighted I was smiling all day
      I've enjoyed following your story as you embark on your journey to recovery

      Love you too my dear x

  9. Oh damn, you're right, I was! haha that's so cool. Well see, now you have lots of ladies commenting lots of love :)Idk, I like commenting, I like reading people's stories.

  10. Blogging is just like everything else too much is not healthy. I think it has been both good and bad for me in the past but it is how I choose to use it. Right now I am focussing on living a real life and to do so I share my thoughts here with a group of women who don't judge me. I do dumb things, I get lazy, I hate change, and I sabotage myself and my goals but through all of that you guys remind me that I can make things better without making me feel shitty. I have never been as honest as I am here on blogger and to me that has been really good to have a place to be open about everything without fear. I think it up to you how you use blogging.

    1. That's a great point Josie
      Too much of anything is not good
      I like the saying 'everything in moderation, including moderation'
      If something begins to affect your every day life then it's becoming a problem
      I also am only honest here
      It's so refreshing to just be me x

  11. Blogging has saved my life over and over again, too. I disagree with your doctor's underlying assumption that time to blog=no life. Blogging has become a part of my life, albeit a time consuming one. I have made many friends I value through blogging and it is how I keep in touch with them. It is also a valuable space to vent thoughts that would otherwise consume me, given my propensity to obsess over and worry away at things.

    I guess that the point I'm trying to make is that blogging can be a part of a happy and fulfilled life. When it takes your entire life over it is indeed unhealthy, but simply having a blog is not a sign of ill-health. I point at these blogs as examples:
    The established ways of life are changing. This isn't the 1950s, the 70s or the 90s. It is perfectly possible to have a blog AND a fulfilling life.

    The kinds of blogs you read also play a big part of it. My food issues don't completely own my life, so I have other things to talk/think/write about. I'd love to read about your adventures into trying out things, your public speaking and random discoveries with the dogs. (Maybe a weekly goggehventure update?)

    I find the community here to be important too. being able to vent all the random shit in your head to people who won't judge you and who do understand is incredibly valuable. I see people who don't have that sort of a community struggling. Fuck, the nearest Jaq came to it was when she was in hospital coming down from a manic near-psychosis! You do need to be very careful with your triggers though. At some point in recovery you do have to avoid them until you're strong enough that they don't stab you in the leg. (The common number trigger is why I blank out numbers when I mention them now, so to avoid accidental triggers)

    There are very, very few people left from when I started blogging. I miss some of them so much it hurts and I'm deathly scared Minaralou bust herself puking (Severe bulimic) and died because she vanished a few years ago and won't even answer email. She wasn't even out of high school yet.

    I guess we get out of this what we put into it. We choose what to read and what to write and who to make contact with, and that all shapes our experience and what the blogworld brings to us.

    You're a fantastic writer and I bet you'd make a fantastic inspirational speaker too. Lol, with the reception of your speech at the ED Awareness event I have evidence to support my theory :p Find your passion and chase it like a cat with a laser pointer.

    Love you so so so much Ruby <3

    1. I agree wholeheartedly Peri
      The more I think about it, the more I think it was a stupid thing for my doctor to say
      My mother made the point that blogging is just like keeping a diary and people have been doing that forever
      I think you have it right, mixing up what you read about and letting it be the only thing in your life

      I have thought about writing posts from my dogs point of view but I didn't think anyone would be interested
      But maybe I'll give it a go and see

      As ever Peri, you make clear headed and thoughtful suggestions

      You are a shining star

      Love you to bits x

    2. I would so read a post on what your dogs think throughout the day! Mine would havevery little to say
      Love me
      Do you love me
      I love you
      Omg I am so happy
      Nap time with mommy
      Awake yay
      Love me
      Do you love me
      I love you
      Omg I am so happy
      Nap time with daddy


    3. Cool, I'll definitely write one so x


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