Friday, 1 March 2013

Blake and Amy

I don't usually watch The Jeremy Kyle show but I watched it yesterday morning when I saw that he was interviewing Blake Civil Fielder
For those of you who haven't heard of him he was married to Amy Winehouse
A lot of people blamed him  for Amy's drug addiction and some went so far as to blame him for her untimely death
I didn't know much about Blake before I saw this interview
I only knew what I had read in the paper and they had portrayed him as nothing short of a monster
His mother Georgette had been interviewed on the show previously and she had encouraged him to speak out and tell his side of the story

He described how he has first met Amy in a bar in Camden called 'The Good Mixer'
He was 21 and she was 20
He said that she looked and sounded different to other girls
That is was love at first sight
At this point he was using cocaine recreationally
He admitted to offering it to Amy but she refused
At that time she abhorred Class A drugs but she did smoke weed
Over time they both moved on to harder drugs
Blake confessed that he was the first person to introduce Amy to heroin
Gradually they used it more and more until they were both addicted
It was around the time that 'Back to black' came  out and Amy was becoming extremely famous
Blake was in and out of prison and Amy continued in a downward spiral
I remember photos from that time
Images of Amy looking so thin and dishevelled
They were a modern day tragic couple
Her the small girl with the big voice
Him the classic bad boy
They couldn't live with each other but they also couldn't live without each other

Blake was in prison when he heard that Amy was dead
She died 23rd July 2011
She was just 27 years old
She is now part of an infamous group of musicians called 'The 27club'
Along with Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix and many others
They all died when they were 27 in tragic circumstances
Blake overdosed accidentally after her death
He was in a coma for 21 days and was not expected to live
By this stage he had a new girlfriend and a new baby son, Jack
He has been clean ever since his overdose

The media have really given Blake a hard time and you would be forgiven for getting the impression that he was a nasty piece of work
But I thought he came across very well
He was softly spoken, articulate and incredibly honest
I thought he was a very likeable guy
It was clear that he truly loved Amy
Jeremy Kyle asked him if he really loved Amy, why did he give her drugs
He said that he never thought it would so that far
I can relate to Blake and Amy's story
It was my boyfriend at the time who first introduced me to heroin
And like Amy's family, mine blamed my boyfriend for my addiction
Of course they want someone to blame and it's easy to blame it on the other person
But I don't think it was my boyfriends fault that I got addicted
Yes he was the one I first took it with but I have no doubt that if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else
I can't blame him for my actions
I took the drugs
He's not responsible for that
I have my own mind and I made the conscious decision to take the drugs
When you're young like that it's very easy to make a mistake
Of course I knew the danger of drugs
But in my limited experience I had never had a negative experience with drugs
I had never seen anyone strung out on heroin
And I just didn't think getting addicted would happen to me

Blake is clean now
He came off methadone about a year ago
His girlfriend Sarah was with him
She seems to have been instrumental in him getting his life back together
I hope he manages to stay on the straight and narrow
It will be especially hard for him though
Trying to get work will be difficult as people will have made judgements based on what they read in the papers

I have to admit I find it incredibly difficult to watch any footage of Amy, if her video comes on I change the channel
I don't like to look at images of her
I can just about listen to her songs
I find it so desperately sad to have witnessed her decline
My favourite song is 'Tears dry on their own' but I haven't watched the video in years
Most people probably don't notice how pinned her eyes are from heroin use
The last few years of her life, in every video, every photo her eyes are pinned and glazed
Being a recovering heroin addict I find it so very hard to look at
Eating disorder wise, it is the equivalent of looking at a very sick and underweight person
I have read Amy also developed an eating disorder and her ever shrinking body would back that up
It's not that I find it triggering, I suppose it's like looking in a mirror
The haunted eyes and frail body are exactly the way I used to look
I followed her career from start and in the early years she was so different
Curvy, fresh faced and so very talented
Having watched and read interviews with her, she seemed to have very little self esteem
I remember her saying that the lower her self esteem was, the higher she made her signature beehive
It's heartbreaking how someone with such a precious gift to really touch people could have so little belief in themselves
But isn't that always the way
I was shocked when I heard she had died but I wasn't surprised
It was inevitable really
Apparently she had managed to get clean before she died but was still drinking and had a massive amount of alcohol in her system the night she died
The only comfort I take is that she is at peace now
Safe from the demons that haunted her
Sleep well Amy

Are you an Amy Winehouse fan?
What do you think of Blake Civil Fielder?
Do you think he played a part in her demise?


  1. Not really a fan. She just wasn't my genre.I'll see maybe if my tastes have changed since I can say that Tony has told me that when he was in his teens trying meth he and his girlfriend at tje time did it together. She asked him about doing it again and he was already addicted. He told me he broke up with her because he didn't want to aid in her downfall. I asked him many times what coke was like because at the time I had only smoked pot and drank. He offered to let me try only once to understand but I thought of the times I was hard on him and said no. My addiction is control. Since then I've tried mushrooms and I like them because of all the thinking connections you make. I couldn't imagine using any drug often though. It wears you out. I've watched it hollow Tony out. I can't imagine an eating disorder AND drug addiction!
    From experience, me taking the other way, it's a choice. He gave her the tools in his addiction and she became open to the possibility. I chose not to, thank God. We ultimately can't blame others for the way we decide to react to their choices.It's a burden meant for the decision maker's shoulders.

    1. I definitely agree Eve
      No one can make us do anything
      It's easy to blame someone else
      It's harder to take a look at ourselves and see our part in the situation

      Hugs to you x

  2. Another beautiful and well written post. I admit I don't know much about them either, but they were portrayed as the tragic couple.. I guess this is the essence of life. It is our choices that define us and shape our lives.. Sad that hers had to turn out that way.


    1. True Rayya dear
      We're only human and even the best of us make mistakes

      Hope you're ok sweetie x

  3. I liked a few of her songs but I loved her as a person. I was in camden a few days after she died on my birthday (25th) and there was a touching graffiti on the side of starbucks by the canal near where she used to hand out (query banksy but not sure) with amy wearing angel wings and tons of melted red candles underneath. it made me cry. i have no experience with drugs like that bit really relate to her torment i think, but i imagine it must be really hard for you.

    i loved brittany murphey too. there was an interview, the last one before her death thar december, shes a total sweetheard and compliments the interviewed and seems fragile and tiny. there were rumours she was bulimic or overdosed. i feel a connection with her too.

    hope ur ok xxx

    1. p.s sorry for the typos (using my phone and it is hard to edit them out) xxx

    2. Wow, I would love to see that
      I think she was really loved
      She had that vulnerable yet strong thing going on

      I loved Brittany Murphy too
      I followed her career ever since I first saw her in Clueless
      She was so beautiful too
      It's so sad to think of these talented ladies hurting themselves
      I hope they are both at peace now

      I am ok sweetheart
      Or at least I will be

      Did you get anything in the post?

    3. it hasnt appeared as of yet but im away til mon now eiiiik. ill let you know if ive got it then and i will send you a photo i took of the graffiti by email sometime later xxx

    4. I hope it hasn't got lost
      I'm sure you'll get it soon
      Yes, I would love to see a photo x

  4. Amy is an amazing artist. I went to see her in 2004. It was a a little club in the town of Northampton, England called the Black Bottom Club. I am not really into jazz per se but she drew me in with her emotional lyrics and sultry sound. She was curvy and beautiful and just like you said, fresh. The next day I read about her in some British mags. I had no idea that I had just witnessed a star.

    I had no idea of your heroin addiction. You are one, strong cookie. Thanks for sharing and being real.

    1. Wow, that must have been amazing
      I would have loved to have seen her live
      I like to remember her as she was at the start of her career
      She was so beautiful x

  5. I couldn't really pay attention to her when she first got popular here in the US because I could see she was sick and suffering. I could hear the talent but it was too much for me. As for someone else contributing to her illness the way I see it is anyone who had contact with her and didn't try to help in someway including all of society has some fault. As a society we have the responsiblity to help one another whenever we can. Help doesn't mean an intervention per say but it could be understanding at least.

  6. It's true Josie
    I think when people get so famous the people around them don't say no to them
    It must be so tricky trying to find out who you can trust and who you can't trust x

  7. I love her music and her voice is fucking AMAZING.

    Gods I just wanted to give her a massive hug. I wasn't surprised that she died, I just wish she hadn't has so much hurting while she was still alive.

    I fucking hate celebrity gossip and the trashy magazines and that whole racket. It's fucking ridiculous and they'll tear anyone apart for any reason just to make a sale.

    Take care Ruby <3


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