Tuesday, 5 March 2013

One foot in the grave

For the last year and a half Mary has weighed me once a week
But a few weeks ago she asked me if I would do it at home to get used to weighing myself
I wasn't too happy about it but I would try
The first time I weighed myself it took me days to muster up the courage to do it
Even thinking about weighing myself sends my heart aflutter
For a couple of weeks I managed to do it just once a week and left it at that
But in the last couple of weeks I've been weighing myself more and more and have lost 4 pounds in the process
4 pounds is not a huge loss but it's enough to give me a little buzz
A feeling of satisfaction
It's enough to make me want more
I find a loss a lot more triggering than a gain
A gain tends to send me towards food where as a loss tends to send me away from it
The high of losing is addictive
Like with drugs, you chase that high endlessly
But it's never enough
Another thing that may be contributing to my weight is the fact that I stopped taking the mirtazapine (anti depressant)
I was afraid it was making me gain weight so I haven't taken it for a few weeks
In reality though it wasn't
Seeing the numbers go down is both thrilling and terrifying
I know how this story ends
I've been there
Done that
Bought the extra small t-shirt
I know the misery that this life brings but part of me is willing to put up with it if it means I get to be the weight I want to be
It's so confusing to think that the one thing that makes me feel safe, is the one thing that's killing
It just goes to show the power of eating disorders
They groom us and lure us in with false promises of happiness
It's hard to resist the promise of being beautiful and loved
I should know better
I know that these promises are complete bullshit
I know that what anorexia brings is nothing but heartache and pain
For me and everyone around me

My doctor prescribed me laxatives and suppositories a few weeks ago due to severe constipation
He also gave me some home enemas
I had never used these before and was reluctant to but I was in desperate state a few weeks ago so I tried it
It worked like a dream
I felt completely empty
Can you see where this is going?
Yes, I've been using them far more than is safe
I'm starting to rely on them
I even found myself going to different chemists to stock up
I need to tell Mary
But I'm afraid
I saw her last week and she had a serious talk with me
She said if I don't get a handle on the purging that she won't be able to see me anymore
That she can't facilitate that behaviour
The thing about this service is that if you get too ill then they won't see you
For example if your BMI goes below 16 they won't see you
This doesn't make a lot of sense to me
It sounds like a contradiction
Surely someone needs more help if they are in that state
Mary said in order to progress I need to stop purging
She made the suggestion that if I made a contract with myself that maybe that would help
So we wrote out a contract of things I had to do
Here they are

- Eat regularly
- Don't purge
- Go to a meeting
- Weigh once a week on a Monday
- No binging
- No tv until after 5pm
- Keep food log
- Don't write the day off if I'm struggling
- Ring someone if struggling

I signed the contract making a commitment to stick to these tasks
But here I am a week later and I have yet to complete one of them
I'm seeing Mary later on and I am dreading it
I feel like cancelling
I feel like never going back
I feel like holding up my white flag and surrendering
I'm so tired
Tired of fighting
Tired of losing
Tired of the constant tug of war in my head
Tired of living this way
This year I will have clocked up 13 years in the midst of this illness
13 years
They should have been the best years of my life
I should have been enjoying my youth
Spending time with friends
Getting an education
Falling in love
Instead I have been living this half life
Stuck in this limbo
Somewhere between life and death
One foot in the grave
Every night I vow that tomorrow will be different
That I will make an effort
I promise myself that I won't waste another day to this illness
That I will do the opposite of what anorexia wants
But tomorrow never comes
I just don't know what to do anymore
I'm so confused
So lost
I don't know how to get back from this place
Do you?


  1. I wish I could answer that question. But I can't. Hopefully one day we both will have that answer and have done it.

  2. She won't expect you to have turned full circle she just wants to see you try I think. Why don't you ask her why if you get worse she won't see you when that's when you need more help. I've always wondered this too. Why don't you take one of those tasks: why don't you try and cull the Sunday binges . That way it's progress without losing it all? And suggest that to her? Xxxx

    1. I just saw her today
      I rang to cancel but she talked me in to going so I went
      She was very nice and didn't mention not seeing me anymore
      I feel a bit better now

      By the way did anything come in the post?
      I'm starting to get a bit worried because I posted it a week ago x

    2. yes it did :-) i commented about it on your post about leaving anonymous messages for people i think. ill just check it posted my comment. i got it yesterday but i think it arrived saturday. i loved it. the mer fairy and the card and the angel. youre such a sweetheart xxxxx

    3. i cannot find the comment i left about it :-\ im not sure what happened so sorry about that. i saw the packet after my psychologist appt yesterday and it mae me smile :-) the enveloppe is the most stunning enveloppe ive ever seen and the mer fairy is beautiful and the message very touching. i think its so lovely that youre that sweet to send me it and im very grateful. i love the angel on your shoulder badge too :-) thank you.

      im glad you spoke to mary, it must have felt threatening to be told that last time. when cheryl told me last yr that if i didnt engage theyd have to think about discharge it sent me on a frenzy of self destruction!

      love u little star xxxx

    4. Yay!!
      I'm so glad you got it and liked it
      I love those little angel pins, I have loads of them and wear them on my jacket
      I hope it brightened up your day
      You are so welcome
      You deserved it, I just wish I could do more to help

      Love you too x

  3. Brought me to tears, I'm sorry for your pain :( Try your best to not allow yourself to become victim to laxies. I know that's easier said than done but it's just a different road to the same hell (I'm sure you know that better than anyone but sometimes hearing it from someone else helps.)

    Take care xx

    1. Thank you lovely
      I spoke to Mary about the enemas and I'm going to knock them on the head before I do any damage x

  4. First of all, I have a remedy for your constipation.
    Chia seeds.
    I don't know how you are with texture but you can also put them in yogurt or a smoothie or whatever really. They way they are causes them to make sort of a gel around it when they're put into liquid and it's all insoluble fiber so basically the texture and nature of them helps to clean you out. Maybe think of trying them? I'm going to. They also make you not feel hungry and they keep you hydrated so two hunger problems in one.

    You know Ruby, it's never too late to start. To travel. To learn. To grow. I think we often get in this rut of thinking that we only have such and such amount of time and that's when we're young and if we don't get done what we should in that window of time then there will be no more. I'm always confused when people tell me they're running out of time and I get mad at myself when I feel like I am. I'm 22, not 82. Even then I could still help or teach or learn or love.
    Sometimes, well 95% of the time, this disorder gives us a sense of helplessness and feeling like we are out of control. The secret is to live a little more every day. Try a little more every day. You don't have to do it all at once. You just have to shake your world up in small pieces and then let people support your jump from the branch when you decide to fly.
    I believe in you and I feel like you have a lot to contribute. You just don't see it and so you rob everyone else of what we in the Blogger world see every time you post.
    You don't have to be powerless. You don't have to be afraid. You are kind, gentle, sweet, smart, and I'm sort of mad at you that you don't go out showing these great pieces to the world! :P
    You are loved.
    Work your way down that branch.
    It doesn't matter what season of your life it is. It's just that. A season.

    Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
    Our deepest fear
    is that we are powerful beyond measure.
    It is our light, not our darkness
    that most frightens us.
    We ask ourselves, who am I
    to be brilliant and gorgeous,
    talented and fabulous?
    Actually who are you not to be?
    You are a child of God.
    Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
    There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
    so that other people
    won’t feel insecure around you.
    We are meant to shine as children do.
    We were born to make manifest
    the glory of God within us.
    It is not just in some of us: it’s in everyone.
    And, as we let our own light shine,
    we unconsciously give other people
    permission to do the same.
    As we are liberated from our own fear,
    our presence automatically liberates others-
    Marianne Williamson

    1. Thank you Eve so much for your kind words
      What you say makes sense
      I can see the good in others but isn't it always the way that we can't see it in ourselves
      And you are right, I always say to people 'Baby steps all the way, small steps add up to be big changes'
      So I'm going to make small but positive changes
      Doing what I can manage every day
      I've a lot to be grateful for and a lot to live for
      I just have to take that leap of faith

      I've heard that quote before
      It's beautiful and so true
      Thank you for reminding me never to give up x

    2. Every day. Any time.

  5. I think it's a very demanding list, but it sort of is the most common sense process to do. Obviously telling a bulimic to stop binging and purging...that's not easy, duh. But maybe you could take it a few steps at a time? Maybe start with weighing your ownself, you've done that so far, and then maybe a food log? I've been wanting to see if keeping a food log is good or bad for recovery, I'm not sure. But it's okay, you just have to not do everything all at once.

    1. Yes, baby steps all the way
      I will take my list one thing at a time
      Do what I can
      The food is the most important thing so that will be given priority
      Any thing else is a bonus
      Thanks lovely x

  6. That's a big list, I'm not surprised you're struggling with it. Maybe for next week, choose one or two goals that you think you'll have more chance of achieving?
    It can be so hard to turn things around, and I honestly don't know how. I'm trying to rationalize that it's okay to maintain and stop losing weight, but it's damn near-impossible.
    I hope you can open up to Mary about how you're struggling. Maybe it's not such a good idea for you to weigh yourself at home if its triggering you?

    Lots of love to you dear ruby <3 xxxx

    1. Yes, I'm just going to focus on the food and make an effort to eat 3 meals
      The rest hopefully will happen in time
      I try to be as honest as I can with Mary but sometimes I hold back
      It's hard to be 100% honest

      Love to you too dear Bella x

  7. Those looked like pretty big steps, maybe there are some baby steps you can take first. It's taken you a long time to live with this illness, trying to crawl out is going to be long, but if you're up for the long haul, there are some really amazing days waiting ahead for you. Thanks for the post. Amazing.

    1. Yes Vanessa, I have to break it down in to little steps or else it all becomes too overwhelming

      Thanks for your support, it means a lot x

  8. As I read your post, my heart started beating about 50 times faster when you described how you feel weighing yourself. It really took me back to when I had those same reactions to the scale. I had to completely stop weighing myself because if I lost a pound, I got almost a "high" from it which made my disorder worse and if I gained weight I was miserable the rest of the day. Please be careful with the laxatives, had some serious long term problems with them, so dangerous. Please do be honest with Mary. I am wishing you well.

    1. That's exactly it Krystal
      I hate the power the scale has over me
      I hate that I define myself by my weight
      Thanks for your well wishes
      I hope your doing ok x

  9. Just take it one day at a time. One task at a time. One hour at a time if that's what you need.
    You are so strong, you will beat this disease. It makes me cry thinking about what a hard time you've had, you don't deserve any of this. You deserve to be happy and have the best life. And you will.
    You deserve to live a full and happy life. What are all the things you've always wanted to do? You should write them all down and look at them daily as a reminder of why you deserve to be happy and healthy.
    I wish I could kill your eating disorder. But you will beat it one day, please never give up. You are worth the entire world.
    Love you. Stay strong and keep fighting off the demons.

    1. Thank you sweetie, you are so kind
      There are things I want to do, in fact I was just talking about that to Mary today
      And I know I will never get to realise those dreams if I continue on this path
      It's a leap of faith and I have to be brave

      Love you too
      Hope you're ok x

  10. You get back one step at a time. One day at a time.
    And don't forget to breathe.

    Breakfast After 10

  11. Dear ruby, I really want you to get better and like you know, this not behavior that will give you to possibility to do so :( The familiar baby steps, they are the answer. And also you need to focus on something else too than only food and weight. They're important changes but really hard to do without more support. Live in the moment Ruby, I got one of my best friends by doing something I normally wouldn't do; I spoke to a random person on a train station. That's rare, but either way because we're lucky and we live in individualistic culture, we can choose our groups. Find a new group, that's a huge positive change. It can be a new hobby, charity work... anything. It takes a lot but make it a goal and take little steps towards it.

    You've suffered enough Ruby, don't go down to this path.
    Love you!! ❤

  12. Girl you beat herion you can beat this! You found a way now it is time to find another way. I don't know exactly what you did but you have to look at your curent situation and figure out how to translate recovery for now. It will suck, withdrawl is a bitch no matter what it is, but you can do it. Are there any other resources you can use that you haven't been, maybe thinking you don't deserve them? I don't know what you have around you but maybe it is the right time to add something to your treatment plan. Btw, do your doctors know you stopped your meds? If not please tell them, even if you don't wantto take anything let them know so they can know what is working and what is not. There are tons of different meds available and if you are willing to take them maybe you just need a different one. In the US prozac is given for bulimia and depression and I have seen no wt gain with it. Good luck hun and remember to tell on your illnes!

    1. I actually started taking my meds again Josie
      It was probably foolish of me to stop in the first place and realistically I don't think they were making me gain weight
      I haven't gained any weight at all
      I saw Mary and spoke to her so I feel a bit better now

      Thanks for your support x

  13. How do you get back? One claw-hold at a time.

    You are worth fighting for. TELL MARY.

    13 years? Fuck giving any more time to this shit! There is so much more to life when you're old enough to not need to be IDed everywhere :p

    Take care of yourself ok?

    1. That's it Peri, baby steps all the way

      Hope you're ok and the move went well

      Take care of you too x


Thank you for leaving some love x