Friday, 29 March 2013

The Weighting Game

I saw Mary this morning
As I walked up the stairs to her office I became out of breath and felt light headed
I paused at the top of the stairs to steady myself before I went in
This is happening to me a lot lately
Everytime I stand up my head feels really heavy and I get so dizzy that I think I'm going to pass out
I told Mary about it and she said it was because I wasn't eating enough and purging every little thing that I do eat
It was a difficult session
She really pushed me to make a commitment to change
There is still this never ending tug of war going on inside my head
To recover or not to recover
I'm stuck in this wishy washy, no man's land
Limbo



Bless Mary, she is trying so hard to help me
It must be so frustrating for her to watch me go round and around in circles
If I were her I'd want to shake me
To slap some sense in to me
After the session I walked up to meet my mother
I had been walking for a couple of minutes when I started to feel dizzy again
My heart was thumping out of my chest and I was sure I was going to throw up
I had to stop right there, sit on the kerb and put my head between my knees
Thank God it passed but it was scary
My eating disorder is finally taking it's toll on my health
It's affecting my everyday life
I just don't feel right
I don't feel well
Like my body is shutting down

My weight continues to drop
About half a pound a day
The anorectic part of my mind is loving it
But in reality I am worried
I'm weighing myself every day and every day the number goes down
I feel like I am spinning out of control
Like this is all happening to me and I have no say in the matter
It scares me

Mary expressed concern about my blog also
The last week I've had no internet and therefore no blogging
I actually did more outside of the house during that week
Without the internet I had to find other things to do
Mary asked me whether my blog helps me or hinders me
Up until recently I would have said that it 100% helps me
But having been away from it for a week I can see that it does have some drawbacks
My blog keeps me very focused on my ED
Thinking about it
Reading about it
Writing about
And I think the more attention we give our eating disorders, the stronger they become
Then there is the danger of comparing myself to others
If I read someone's weight I immediately compare it to my own
That can be extremely triggering
There is no doubt that this blog had had a positive effect though
It has given me something to do
A purpose
It helps me make sense of things
And of course the people I have met here has been the highlight of writing this blog
You all have saved my life over and over again
We have never met and may never meet
We don't know what each other looks like
We don't even know each others real names
We come from the 4 corners of the earth
Different countries
Ages
Races
Sexes
But we all have one thing in common
We are bound by a common thread
We are eating disordered
We are hurting
We feel a pain that is almost unbearable
We are prisoners in our own bodies
Some of us are hanging on by our finger tips
Some of us just want to disappear
We struggle every single day
Each in our won personal hell
We beat ourselves up emotionally
We believe we are bad people
Broken beyond repair
Unlovable
Outsiders
Living a half life
All we have is each other



There is no doubt that my blog can also be unhealthy
Sometimes I feel like because I have been given the diagnosis of anorexia/bulimia, that I have to live up to that label
That I have to be disordered
Lets be honest I think most of us would rather read about someone's eating disorder rather than their recovery
Am I wrong to say that?
Reading about that extreme highs and lows of anorexia and bulimia makes for interesting reading
Recovery and living life isn't always that way
Although maybe if I was in recovery I would find it more interesting
I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes this blog can be like fuel for my eating disorders
Like it helps to maintain it
Mary asked me if I would consider taking a break from blogging to see if it makes a difference
So I am thinking about  that
I really don't want to leave you all but I suppose I have to figure out what is going to help me
I have to start helping myself

With all that said I was wondering about you
Do you think there are any negatives to blogging?
If yes, what are they?
Would you rather read about someone's eating disorder rather than their recovery?
Do you think Mary is right and I should take a break from blogging
I'd love to know what you think

27 comments:

  1. I think yes, if we're being honest. I mean, how fun is it for the blogging world to know that today I went to my college classes and worried about grad school while turning my weight around and around in my mind. Boring. The day I admitted I started purging here and there I got all but three readers of my followers. Often times eating disorders aren't harrowing; they're regular people living and dealing. I think you have to place your mind there because let's all admit it, it's difficult to starve and starve every day all day. No one we have mental problems.

    I also enjoy the community. A lot of girls have great hobbies and interests and we can talk about other things besides our EDs but they understand when I'm having a tough day. It's a balance I guess.

    I would truly love to read about you recovering. I mean this. I care about you a lot and hope you don't drop off forever. :)
    <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's good to know that you would enjoy reading about recovery Eve
      I think I'm going to start writing about other things and see what the reaction is like
      I don't want to stop blogging completely, I really don't
      I don't want to leave all of you, you've become dear friends to me

      Thanks Eve x

      Delete
  2. It's so scary when our weight drops beyond our control. I hope you, with Mary's help, can really make a change soon. You're right, your ED is taking its toll on your body and it isn't good.

    I think there's a lot of negatives to blogging. It can obviously be very triggering at times, to read other's intakes and weights. I think that's why they have 'no numbers' rules in recovery.
    I actually read a lot of recovery blogs. Not so many on here, but elsewhere. I don't think I have a 'preference'. I'm more drawn to the person, their story, their history, their journey. I love reading YOUR blog. I think I'd rather watch someone save themselves than kill themselves though. That's another downside - the constant worry that friends on blogger are going to die.

    I can understand how triggering blogging can be, and in the end it's your decision. I care about you a lot though, and I don't want you to disappear by any means. If you take a break from blogging, please keep in touch via email. I remember you mentioning a second, recovery-based blog a while back. If you do that, I'd love to read it.

    Stay safe dear Ruby <3 xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I read a lot of recovery blogs too Bella
      Where do you read them?
      I read mostly on Wordpress
      Can you recommend any good ones

      It's great to know you would continue to read whether it's a recovery blog or not

      Thank you for your continued support dearest x

      Delete
  3. I know my blog brings me up. Suffering from bipolar I decide to find the little miracles in every day and write a post about them. By doing this I am all day searching for that one positive thing I will write about. It forces me to get away from any negative voices and take control.

    If you were gone I might be worried about you, but maybe that is selfish. I read your blog because I see you trying. It may not FEEL like you're trying, But I see the fight in you and she's beautiful. You are drowning in an illness that wants you to die and end it all. But there is a life beyond this illness and it is so amazing and waiting for you. You just have to take a leap and say HELP, what do I have to do to be healthy again, what can I believe in my brain that will help me see that losing weight equals losing life. Just my thoughts anyway...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Most of the time my blog is a positive thing but I can't deny that there are some negatives
      I guess I just have to do what's right for me
      I may take a break but I don't want to stop blogging completely
      It's such a big part of my life and I've made some true friends here

      I'm glad to hear that you can see the fight in me as I can't always see it in myself
      Something is shifting in me though, I can feel it

      Thanks Vanessa for being there x

      Delete
  4. I love my blog and I would never stop keeping it. Of course it takes time and keeps fpcused on the ed but for me when Iäm trying recovery o my own, it's more like a place where I can reflect my behavior freely. To me it doesn't matter weather the blog is about recovery or ed, actually many recovery blogs are really interesting because people start to find answers. But this is your blog Ruby and your life, I would read it even if you were 200 lb and perfectly healthy because I like the way you look at things. So maybe if you want to take up to that challenge that Mary gave you... I would feel better to stick with minimum blogging. Say with a few lines what did you do outside of the house and how was it. So rather that giving up totally I'd rather control the time used in it because stopping something that provides an important outlet can actually cause more harm than needed. And if you were gone, I would be so worried.

    <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know myself that I am drawn to the person and the writing more than whether the blog is ED or recovery
      It's great to know that you and others would continue to read whatever I write about
      I'm not going any where just yet so no need to worry

      Thanks Tatyana x

      Delete
  5. hey. I just found your blog and am really liking it! Am following you and can't wait to go and read from the start.

    If you ever need any help/support find me at my blog:

    http://toofatforwords.blogspot.com.au/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey there,welcome!!
      And thanks for the follow
      I'll check out your blog soon x

      Delete
  6. I agree that blogging can be unhealthy but it doesn't have to be.

    I must say that my favorite posts of yours have little to do with your ED. Your words about the pregnant woman who died, the bullying problem, and your trip to visit your sister were perfect. You are a beautiful writer and obviously a very intelligent woman.

    Perhaps you can try to limit yourself to one or two ED posts a week and dig inside your brain for other topics. Challenge yourself and use your energy in different ways.
    I have always thought you would be a great journalist.

    Hugs to you and please don't leave us hanging.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you JJ for your kind words
      I do have lots of things I would like to write about apart from my eating disorder
      I think that's a great idea to limit my ED writing and branch out in to other subjects
      You know JJ I would love to write more, it has truly become a passion
      I would love to write my memoirs and I have actually started but it's hard to revisit my past
      I hope to finish it though

      I won't leave you hanging

      Hugs to you too x

      Delete
  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  8. had to edit didnt proof read first lol
    I do think that blogging is negative but positive at the same time. i leave often but that doesnt mean I am not worried about you all. I have noticed when things get real bad I come back give wonderful advise that i myself can not follow and pray for you guys. I dont think people realize that our blogs are an outlet. we are all protected by them we can let our real selves out. you can not do that in the real world. we can give advise that we might not normally give cause it might not be exceptable in the real world. I know that some blogs trigger me but something else might have triggered me also so why blame it all on blogs. Mary is telling you what you should do but she might not understand that this is your out and we all need a safe out that is why we do it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great to hear from you Linny
      I agree, this blog is my safe place to write about anything I need to
      This community is unique as we can be our true selves without fear of judgement
      You girls have saved my life over and over again
      It would break my heart to stop blogging and leave all of you but a break might do me some good
      I'll just have to think about it

      Hope you're doing ok lovely x

      Delete
  9. I know what you mean about blogging being both helpful and a hindrance. I took a break from blogging a few months ago, but it meant that I had no (healthy) outlet for my turbulent feelings and emotions, so after about a week, I returned to blogging again. Without my blog, the bad feelings all built up inside, and I rely more and more on unhealthy habits (self harm/anorexia) to vent my emotions.

    I agree with you that there are negatives to blogging in that it is another focus on anorexia. It gives it so much power to stay alive in our minds and that is dangerous. But you could focus on the negatives of anorexia and use this to help you in your recovery which will make you more powerful than the ED.

    I think reading about others' ED is so sad, it makes me feel for you and wish that you could get better more than anything in the world, because we all know the pain we are each going through. So it is lovely to read about people's achievements in recovery and how well things are. I think whatever you choose to write about, we will all still be here, reading your blog and rooting for you! It's our blog after all, and I think you should write what you want to write about, write anything that will help you get better, or feel better at least.

    Please do keep writing (if that is what you want). But if you do take a break, we will wait for you I am sure!

    Please take lots of care of yourself. You are so valued! Much love and strength!
    Xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you sweetie for such kind words
      I haven't made up my mind what to do yet but I will let you know

      Take care of you too x

      Delete
  10. CRMRNT REPLEHS:

    That kitten WAS adorable, I do miss him. I hope the SPCA lets me know hoe he gets on. If not, I may go down there and investigate in person XD

    Omg poor puppy, I hope they were being honest and not just euphemising. I'd rather have the truth than a lie to spare my feelings.

    I hop that whoever did that to the dog gets assraped with sandpaper and jalapeno juice.

    I'm not posting much lately due to lack of privacy and just going numb. I'm squishing everything down because I don't have the space to feel. I hate touchy-touchy people and now I'm living with one and too close to my fucking parents and old family friends. Can't do anything or go anywhere without it being seen and commented upon.

    Love you so so so much. Take care of yourself <3

    ReplyDelete
  11. FUCK SAKE ED-PART-OF-BRAIN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP KILLING MY FRIEND. FUCK OFF YOU'RE NOT WANTED HERE GO AWAY AND LEAVE RUBY ALONE!

    Hmmm, maybe set limits on length of blog-time? After Xamount of time go out and play with dogs/poke at a game/try a new hobby-type thing?

    If the blog keeps you focussed on your ED then blog about other things? You don't HAVE to write about Ed, I'll still read you if you talk about other things. I read because I love you. And I'm a nosy bitch. I wanna hear about EVERYTHING! Dog walks, the weather, random neighbourhood shite, town events, epic skateboarding successes and failures, what you thought of a movie, the garden, how much the local newspaper sucks. All that nonsense.

    It's your blog, YOU choose what to write about. If you starve your ED of attention here, it gets less to feed on in general and starts to lose it's grip on you.

    You don't have to live up to any label you don't want to. YOU pick the labels that define you, NOBODY ELSE DOES. You want to change them? Then go the fuck ahead.

    Life isn't always interesting or gripping reading. When nothing much is happening that is when I find I have the time to rant on about things that piss me off or share some cool things I'v found. I kinda hate it when life is 'interesting' because I feel I HAVE to write about it to keep people abreast of things (And create a record for when I inevitably forget everyfuckignthing) and can't write about what I find interesting.

    I'd rather read about someone's life than their death. I'd personally rather that you didn't disappear from here completely. If something hinders more than it helps, then it is better to stop. Blogging has helped me the way it helped you, I can work out where I'm stuck/going wrong and stop trying to hide from it >.<

    The most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves, after all. Denial kills.

    What would you say to posting about things other than Ed here? It would be a way of taking braintime AWAY from the Ed and putting it towards more life-living things. Take time away from the computer/away from Ed-things so you have more non-ed stuff to write about? Lol, it's always a challenge to make ordinary everyday life interesting to read bout. Sharpens those writing skills :p

    This song reminds me of you:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtnxsIBVm5s

    The past can break you, define you or simply become one bit of the whole.

    *Hugs* Love you so so so much. Pretty please to live? I want IRL Ruby hugs and hangout time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe it was presumptuous of me to say that people would rather read about ED's
      I just presumed that people here were more interested in ED's than general day to day life
      I'm going to post about my dogs tomorrow so we'll see what the reaction to that is like

      Love you to the moon and back
      Hope you are ok

      Take good care of you x

      Delete
  12. I've been thinking about negatives to blogging too. Blogging does make me focus on my ED, which can be bad. It's a definite drawback. And sometimes reading others' blogs makes me feel like my behaviors aren't bad in comparison, which makes me feel like I should engage in them more often.
    But I think the blog is great as well. To recover we need to think about our EDs. We need to understand them and make committments to ourselves and think about those commitments and make plans and feel like we're kept accountable. A blog serves all those purposes.
    I was also intrigued that you find posts about EDs the most interesting instead of posts about recovery. I mean, posts relating to some aspect of an ED are relatable and interesting of course, but that doesn't mean that those same posts aren't also about recovery. I think people have more of a writing spirit when they're not doing well, so a post about recovery might be less emotional.
    If you decide to take a break from blogging we'll miss you but you should do what's best for you. And maybe update us once in a while to let us know how you're doing? :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I suppose it depends where your head is at
      Whether your ED focused or recovery focused
      I am somewhere in the middle at the moment

      I'm still in two minds whether to take a break or not but I will surely let you know x

      Delete
  13. Your blog is about your life, as your life changes so will your blog. I agree with Peridot. I love reading your blog because it is you not because of the ED. When you wrote about the dance practice and things like that I was just as interested in your life. And I would like for you to continue living so take care of yourself. Recovery is not boring in my mind it has so many layers to it.

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    Replies
    1. I do agree with you Josie, I kind of regret writing that now
      There are plenty of recovery blogs that I find interesting x

      Delete
  14. I don't have an eating disorder. I do have my own issues. I like reading good.writing and honest stories. I would prefer to read you are recovering but I do not damn you for struggling. We all struggle. Take your blog in other directions like you did with your post from the perspective of your dog. That is a good why to keep in touch with the community and not always focus on ED.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I can definitely empathize with the toll you're feeling on your body. I mentioned to my recovery mate the other day (after a few days of non-recovery behavior) that I feel the difference in my body now. When I was 19, I could go weeks doing this. I felt stronger when my ED took over. But I am no longer 19. I am approaching 30, and my body does not react the same way. I cannot keep this behavior up the way I used to. It's scary, but after all the abuse we've put our bodies through, they're bound to fight back at some point.

    I agree with Bella, that I don't prefer a particular type of blog, rather the person and their story. Any blog about this stuff can be triggering. After a few days of doing well, and then reading you're dropping weight, well it's just the nature of the beast to feel jealous. Ana creeps in.."She's still losing, why aren't you??".

    I have, at the same time, benefited much from reading yours, and other recovery based blogs I've come across. And even some non-recovery blogs have helped scare some sense into me. But at the same time, I think part of our resistance to recovery is how we identify ourselves with our ED. We've spent so much time and energy on it, without it, who the hell are we? And by this blog playing such a big roll in your life, it only reinforces that. Maybe cutting out the blog will help you start to identify yourself less with your eating disorder.

    Not saying I want you to leave the community, I adore hearing what you have to say, but if there's a chance it will help, than that's good enough a reason to try.

    Wishing you love & light always, and no matter what you do, hope it steers your towards the direction of good health and happiness <3

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x