Thursday, 7 March 2013

You know you have a problem when.........

You know you have a problem when you wake up in the morning and count the hours until it's time for bed again

When you spend more time with your dogs than you do with real people

You know you have a problem when your parents are afraid to leave you on your own

When number on the scale can send you spiralling in to a black hole of depression

When you look down and see there is vomit on your clothes

You know you have a problem when the number on the scale can send you sky rocketing in to euphoria

When  you are driving so fast you hope you will crash

When there is a constant war going on inside your head

You know you're losing it when you have a path worn between your kitchen and your bathroom

When you barely leave the house

When you feel like an emotional yo-yo

You know you are in danger when you're saving up your meds

When purging feels as natural as breathing

When you feel like you are broken beyond repair

You know you are sick when you enjoy the sound your stomach rumbling

When you wake up in the night because you are so hungry

When your thoughts are consumed with weights, food and numbers

You know you have a problem when you can't cry

When you can't remember the last time you laughed

You know something's wrong when you avoid your favourite foods

When you panic because you can't exercise

When sleep is the only peace of mind you get

You know you are getting worse when you push all your friends away

When you think about vanishing every day

When your sister won't let you babysit your nephew

It's a reflection of your state of mind when you have to psych yourself up to have a shower

When the number on the scale dictates your mood, self worth and self esteem

When you avoid the mirror at all costs

When you feel like you are dying inside

You know you are losing it when you feel so alone

When 12 years later you are still in the midst of this illness

When nothing else matters

When the future is too scary to think about

When you have a passive death wish

You know you have a problem when all your hopes and dreams have been dashed

When you feel like your thoughts are killing you

When numbers impact you more than words

When your afraid to have friends because you'll just let them down

When life scares you more than death

You know things are not right when you just want to walk out your front door and never come back

When losing weight is the only thing that matters

When you feel like you are going insane

When you have to make yourself think of reasons not to overdose

When you're lying to yourself everyday

When you're losing the will to live


You know you have a glimmer of hope when you won't let any of this stop you from getting well

You know you're going to be ok when you remember you have people around you who love you

When you look back over the last year and see how far you've come

When you wake up and think 'I can do this, just for today'

You know you can get well when you remember that you are stronger than your eating disorder

When you look in the mirror and don't hate what you see

When you remember that you are not a bad person and are in fact a good person

When you realise you have new hopes and dreams

You know you are winning the battle when the voice in your head is just a whisper now

When you do the opposite of what your eating disorder wants

When you wake up and think 'I don't want to die today'


  1. This made me smile :) You have such a way with words Ruby dear.
    I hope today is a day with a glimmer of hope for you. You are honestly such a big inspiration. You've come through so much, and you're still here pushing through each day.
    You are so much stronger than your ED, and don't you forget it.

    Love & hugs <3 xxxx

  2. I'm glad this made you smile Bella, even if just for a second
    I don't know about being an inspiration but thank you for your kind words
    Today is a good day

    So much love to you x

  3. I have felt so many of those struggles before. I wouldn't wish those feelings on my worst enemy. It's difficult to wonder which parts are me, and which are the illness? Am I doing all I can to fight? What can possibly help me? Thank you so much for sharing. May your day be bright and full of hope.

  4. That was so inspirational, just the right words for me, words that I needed today. I can totaly identify with all the words at the beginning and this make me sad. But the words in the end, make me hope and THANK YOU for that. I really admire you.

  5. Thank you for this.. I am feeling so down today and you have shown me that I'm not alone and reminded me that there is always hope.

    Love you xx

    1. Hang in there sweetie
      You can do this

      Love you too x

  6. "When you wake up and think 'I don't want to die today'" Powerful beyond words, lovely. I think a lot of people think this same thing, and they just keep going somehow. But then there's that rut of not wanting to die but not having the passion to live. I've seen people go through that and it's the most difficult thing because you can't really do anything about it. Except try to find things worth living for. I'm glad your'e still hoping though. Love you hon.

  7. Beautiful post :) it's strange and even unsettling when you're dark days get mixed with hope. The highs and lows are so extreme it's exhausting. Keep well Ruby xxx

    1. It is exhausting Destiny
      One day at a time

      Take care x

  8. You are way more eloquent with your words than I am, I normally just wake up and go FUCK! But like you said its just for one day, because one day this will all be a memory.

  9. So glad you're feeling that spark of hope! Hang onto it and keep fighting!

  10. Keep fighting. You ARE a good person and you are so fucking worth it.

    When you start trying to come up with reason why you're not (Coz depression will make you do that) remember that you reach out to others in need to help them and only a good person would do that.

    Love you so so so much Ruby <3

  11. today i kept on wishing for the class to end and to get back home again. and then i bought a cone of white ice cream on my way home and everything felt a little better.

    i hope you find your ice cream too, darling. i hope there is something in there that can make you feel so much better.

  12. Hi there! I'd like to invite you to my blog connected with fight against eating disorders, cause i think we shouldn't be silent about that. Of course you can find here also mode, make-up, opinions, advices, photos, daily stories, healthy recipes etc. You can trust me you will find something you will like.If you'll like it really much, you can become my new follower. Hope to visit me soon. Have a very nice time. Andie :)*

  13. I love this post. It's raw, open and honest. Thank you for sharing. My life is a roller coaster of these of emotions. Thank you for writing about them. It makes me feel connected and as though I am not alone! I really enjoy your writing style!

  14. So which way do you feel today, Ruby? Or is it both?

  15. Darling I hope everything is alright.
    Keeping you in my thoughts <3
    Love you xx


Thank you for leaving some love x