Thank God for Mary
I wouldn't have got through the last few days without her
She is the only beacon of light I have right now
The only thing keeping me sane
I saw her yesterday
She has arranged for me to see an addiction counsellor today
I am still incredibly upset
I alternate between hysterical crying and feeling totally numb
I could barely look Mary in the eye during our session
I looked at the ground or examined my fingers
She is trying to get me to move forward
To accept things are the way they are with my meds
But that's the thing
I can't accept it
I can't believe I have no say in what happens to my own body
My own life
My own sanity
It just feels all wrong
Everything about it feels so wrong
I can't believe that it has to be this difficult
And having spoken to a couple of people and getting some invaluable advice from Dani and Loulou, I see even more that my doctor is doing things arseways
He is making it up as he goes along
I don't think he has any idea of the distress he is causing
There is certain protocol for methadone detox and he is all but ignoring it
I am his guinea pig
Everything time I think about I start to cry
Sitting with Mary today she was making a list of things that would help me get through this
But all I could think was what is the point
What is the point of anything
I just want to crawl in to my bed and sleep forever
Mary wants me to contact my friends and she asked me to contact one of them right there and then
I texted a friend but my heart wasn't in it
She still has not got back to me
Mary seems to have an unshakable faith and belief in me
I don't know why
In my opinion I am a lost cause
A broken soul
Broken beyond repair
I can't even imagine being happy or content
The concept is so foreign to me
I was there in body talking to Mary but my mind was somewhere else
I'm somewhere else
My body and mind are disconnected
I got home and decided to ring my doctor to make an appointment
I could only get one for Friday afternoon
I don't know if I'm going to go
I don't know if there is any point
But if I continue on in this miserable state I might have to
Having had this run in with doctor got me thinking
I've seen countless doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, counsellors and therapists over the years
And I realise that I've butted heads with quite a few of them
In fact the addiction counsellor I'm seeing today was one of them
I saw him for a while when I first moved here a few years ago
One day he told me that I wasn't making any sense
I was hugely insulted and argued with him
Then there were the nurses in treatment who I had big problems with
A psychiatrist who wouldn't refer me for inpatient
A counsellor who told me she couldn't see me because I was on methadone
A doctor who discharged me from treatment because I was on methadone
A counsellor who I had to make a statement against because he was being really inappropriate
I think back on all the incidences and I wonder do I make trouble for myself?
Do I throw all my toys out of the pram when I don't get my own way?
Am I the one in the wrong?
I spoke to my father about this today and he said that it's good not to take things lying down
To speak up for yourself
That more and more people question their doctors and don't take their word as gospel
People have more of a say in their own treatment and are not afraid to speak up
One thing that I have inherited from my father is an ability to use my words as a weapon
This can be both a blessing and a curse
When I'm upset or angry I use my words to attack or defend myself
So I inevitably end up going for the jugular
I can be manipulative and sarcastic and end up getting myself in to more trouble
But I don'r regret what I said to my doctor on Monday
I have no doubt that what he is doing is wrong and I will continue to fight my corner
I know that there is probably never a right time to detox but my doctors timing couldn't be worse
It's always going to be difficult but why make it harder than it needs to be?
My father thinks that my doctor is worried about the fact that the methadone has caused the pancreatitis
That he wants to get me off it as quick as possible
There is uproar in this country at the moment about doctor's misconduct and my father thinks that maybe my doctor is thinking that he should have taken me off it long ago
But if that's what he is worried about he hasn't said a word
Do you think it's a good thing to speak up about your treatment or do you accept what your doctor says?
I'm so glad you're seeing an addiction counsellor hun. Maybe it's time to face some of your remaining addiction issues, such as abusing your medication. Mary is such a god-send, she's really taking care of you.
ReplyDeleteI think it's always important to speak up about your treatment. You have the right to participate in decisions regarding your treatment, and if you're not happy with how your doctor's working the detox, you're more than entitled to a second opinion. From what you've explained, it seems like he has no idea what he's doing. He should've educated himself in detox protocol before taking on a methadone patient, in my opinion.
Sending you a massive hug sweetie. I hope your appointment goes well <3 xx
Thanks sweetheart
DeleteHugs to you too x
We all need the Marys of this world. I'm so happy you have her! I also think her advice to do counseling and stay busy are invaluable. You can't change it. I really don't think you're a guinea pig though dear. There's some worry with the pancreaitis. It's a pretty important organ!
ReplyDeleteI think that you have had a say dear. I say this gently, not with condemnation. You've mentioned frequently that you've been on it a lot longer than is the norm and abuse meds. You have been hurting yourself and that extreme isn't good either. He's definitely being an ass by decreasing it so sharply but anything you say at this point is going to make him think you're being the desperate addict and not level headed adult. That's a sad truth. The minority that have exploited it ruin it for the majority.
As for your question, I'm a little biased. This is my chosen career. Maybe sometimes you are arguing because of that. I know I get defensive easy frequently because I don't want to be told what to do and what my problems are and how to fix them. The logic behind this is really, we're hurting people trying not to be exposed and be taken as weak. Sometimes the true us isn't pretty. Sometimes it's bitter and angry and hurt and spiteful. Reflect on why you argued. Was it truly because they were shallow or assumed they knew what you needed without considering your feelings etc or was it because they saw through you and you were raw and exposed?
That's how I try to analyze myself anyway. Sometimes we don't know our own limits and see them as far shorter than they really are. Sometime s we just don't want the discomfort that accompanies change.
I want to be able to voice my feelings about the treatment but ultimately it's up to you. If you don't want to move them you won't. If you believe the counselors and doctors are insensitive assholes then you will.
Do what you can where you're at but don't you dare sit down. You are NOT a lost cause. No person is. You have a great capacity for understanding the hurts of others and for writing. You're kind, you're beautiful, you're you.
Don't wait Ruby. Lean on your loved ones and take baby steps towards a healthy life. I say it every time because every time I read the lies you tell yourself I can't sit back and let you say you're nothing and can't do this.
Huge hug girl. I'm in your corner. The you I know has been waiting to have a turn.
<3
H.O.P.E
Hold On Pain Ends
I really want to thank you for this comment Eve
DeleteEven though it is hard to hear some of what you say is true
The person I am most angry at is myself
Angry for getting myself in to this situation
Angry about the way I reacted to my doctor
And I think I did come across as a desperate addict on Monday
I have made an appointment for tomorrow and I'm going to try the calm and collected approach
You are right when you say he saw through me and I was totally exposed
I felt so vulnerable that I attacked
It 's hard to be the bigger person and so the right thing but I am going to give it one more shot and if that doesn't work I'll just have to accept the situation
I really appreciate your candour, I know it's not easy
Thank you dearest x
I think there was a time when I didn't advocate for myself. Now I do.
ReplyDeleteI know there was a time when I couldn't sleep and I totally begged my doctor for something to help me sleep and he said no. I was so mad, but looking back I was also very depressed and I think he thought I was going to use them in a bad way. I just thought he was being mean, and looking back he was probably right not to give them to me.
You are not nothing..fight for your life Ruby.
I will continue to fight Krystal
DeleteThank you x
I totally understand what you mean when you say that your mind and body are disconnected. I feel that all the time, moreso when anorexia is stronger, and it is terrifying. It makes it so much harder, and often impossible to think clearly or to make decisions - that's probably why you're finding it difficult to know what to do.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest that you do stand up for yourself. For all my life up until very recently, I never ever stood up for myself, and cowered away in the corner, willing to disappear. But recently, I have been able to speak up, and it is so empowering. It will give you so much confidence that you have taken some responsibility for yourself and asked for what you need. You have Mary to support you and I am so glad that she can offer you such invaluable help. And the fact that you know you are good with your words might give you that boost of confidence you need to know that you CAN speak up and you CAN ask for the help and support you need because you DESERVE it and you are WORTH it. Please don't suffer in silence - keep fighting and never ever give up xx
This is so true, I find it incredibly difficult to make even the smallest decision
DeleteIt's overwhelming
I can relate to that
I've always been one not to speak my mind for fear of upsetting people
But when something means so much to me I find that I have to speak up
My problem is that I either say too little or too much, I do need to find a balance
Hope you're ok lovely x
Mary sounds like an amazing woman. I'm glad you have her.
ReplyDeleteShe is amazing
DeleteI am blessed to have her in my life x
It is always good to be an active participant in your own treatment. Getting you off the Methadone is iimportant, nine years is way too long. You know this to be true. If you do not like your doctor"s option for doing so you can discuss alternatives. Discussing alternative methods for achieving the goal is a lot better than yelling and name calling.
ReplyDeleteRemember your goal and your doctor's goal should be improvement: Focus on the positive. What alternative can I offer. What is a plan I can live with to remove the Methadone. Be more ppositive, like you said no time is a good time to get off an addiction are you making it worse?
I am and I'm just prolonging the inevitable
DeleteIt has to happen sometime and it's never going to be easy
I guess I just have a huge fear of facing life with no cushion or buffer
But you are right, it's way better to reach a compromise than lash out at my doctor x
I'm glad to hear you are starting to think that way. Controlling our own destiny doesn't always mean getting what we want but it feels better when you are a part of the process and not fighting against it.
DeletePeople who don't use drugs like heroin or methadone often have other buffers, whether is is antidepressants, exercise, yoga, pets, writing paint, etc. Take your passion and redirect it perhaps. I'm feeling inspired just inspiring you :).
This is true
DeleteNow I just need to find an alternative
Something I can throw myself in to
Thanks for the advice x
Sounds like you've just had really bad luck with doctors and counsellors. There are a million reasons any particular counselor wouldn't work for any one person, and since counselling and doctoring are such touchy fields, it makes sense that when they fail they would fail horribly.
ReplyDeleteBut you did find Mary in the end, so someday maybe you'll find an equally amazing doctor.
As for now, i think you're right to fight for what you need, as long as you stay professional about it.
I'm trying to Emily, I really amx
DeleteYou do have a say, but when the choices you would make are to do things that will fuck you up and kill you then others have to step in until you are able to make choices that WON'T land you corpsified in a pine box.
ReplyDeleteIf you feel like a lab rat, let Mary and Others In Charge know.
Oh fuck off you are NOT a lost cause!
Hmm there may be an element of stroppyness there when things aren't going as you want them to, but it won't be the whole story. Fuck, I know what my DropkickBro/Mum are like when they can't get their stuff D: Addicts are master manipulators. Bloody hell, if you went into negotiations/diplomacy you're have the world sorted out within a week!
Still, in the mental health medicine arena it takes a while for things to click. I simply stopped going when things didn't work, I never was brave enough to kick up a stink when I was told to 'get over' sucicidality BY THE FUCKING UNI PSYCH SERVICES COUNSELLOR.
I reckon that if you've got concerns you need to voice them. I've not taken any meds without first researching side-effects since the painkillers Grandma was prescribed ate her stomch lining and killed her. She only had her new hip for a few weeks after waiting years :(
Hold on Ruby. You can do it. It's always darkest before the dawn, ne?
*Huggles*