Friday 3 May 2013

Hope and Faith

I'm beginning to lose hope
Hope that I will ever get well
I just don't know how to help myself anymore
I had two appointments today and I cancelled them both
One with Mary and one with Sean my addiction counsellor
I just didn't see the point of going
Of sitting there and agreeing to take action when deep down I know I won't
Some behaviours are back that I thought had gone
One being night binging
As in getting up in the middle of the night to binge and purge
I had stopped doing this but this week it is back with a vengeance
Even in sleep I have no escape from this monster
Because I've been binging and purging so much, I've been spending a small fortune on food
And I resent spending money that will inevitable get flushed down the toilet
Literally money down the drain
I was standing in the queue of a supermarket the day before yesterday
All of a sudden I started to walk and carried on straight out the door without paying
My heart thumped in my chest as I walked
I scurried quickly to my car praying that I wouldn't be caught
I got away with it
Although part of me wishes that I hadn't

The other thing that is turning in to a problem is the enemas
I've gone from using them a couple of times a week to using them every day
Even though I know it's dangerous, I keep doing it
Even though I know it could give me a lazy bowel
Even though I could burst my bowel
I keep doing it
I go to different chemists to stock up
Classic addict behaviour

I feel like I am in self destruct mode
And I can't stop
I don't know how to stop
It's so scary
I feel so out of control
I don't know how this story is going to end
My weight continues to drop
I'm back in double digits
It's both terrifying and thrilling
Am I relapsing?
I'm slipping
I know that for sure
My mental state is fragile
I'm avoiding people
Avoiding reality
Hiding from life
I've never felt further away from getting well

Nothing matters anymore
I can't see the point of anything
I get through the day only to start all over again the next morning
And the next
And the next
I get through the week only to find myself at the start of a new one
I do the same thing every day
Almost to the minute
I'm a virtual recluse
I spend most of my time alone
I just don't know how to communicate with people anymore
I feel disconnected
From myself too

I called my blog And then she disappeared because eventually I was planning to disappear
I was sure of it
But now I feel that I can't
I can't do it to my family
I just can't
Even though part of me thinks that I am a burden to them and they'd be better of without me
It's just too cruel to do that to them
To leave a Ruby shaped hole in their lives
So I hang on for them
I live for them
I guess that's as good a reason as any to hold on

I just wish that I had a purpose
Something more than this illness
I need to feel like I am here for a reason
Otherwise what is the point?
I have to believe that this is happening for a reason
I have to believe that all this pain is not in vain
I have to continue to fight
Trusting that things will get better
To hope
As much as it is tempting to lie down and hold up my white flag, I won't do it
I wouldn't give my ED the satisfaction
She wants me dead
Of that I have no doubt
I'll do my best not to let that happen
I don't want to be a statistic
A scare story to warn others
I haven't come through the horrors of heroin addiction only for my ED to kill me
I won't let that happen
I just won't
With love from at

20 comments:

  1. Bella3 May 2013 at 12:23

    Oh sweetheart, I feel for you. I can relate to feeling mentally fragile, reclusive, avoiding reality... When you feel like this, everything can seem so very pointless. I know you'll find something that makes you feel like you're here for a reason. You have so much potential, and you still have a lot of years left to have a fabulous life. I don't want to tell people about my wonderful friend Ruby, and finish with "and then she disappeared..."
    Can you make another appointment with Mary at least, maybe for Monday?
    Lots of love <3 xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ruby Tuesday3 May 2013 at 12:26

    I'm glad but also sad that you can relate Bella
    I should have really gone to see Mary today
    Now I won't see her until Wednesday

    I am hanging on though
    Just about
    I hope you can too

    Lots of love to you too x

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous3 May 2013 at 15:50

    I don't know what to say because I understand so well how you feel right now in terms of never getting better and hopelessness and everything :( just know that I love you and I'm hoping something can get through and help xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. 3 May 2013 at 15:50

    Love you Ruby <3
    Someone often tells me 'baby steps' ;] Don't undermine any progress you've made, no matter how small.
    There are good reasons and I think the main part of the whole thing is finding what they are to you.
    Take care darling, I believe in you xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday4 May 2013 at 05:22

      Thank you Melrose for your kind words
      Baby steps is great advice
      Baby steps add up to be great strides x

      Delete
  5. Unknown3 May 2013 at 16:05

    Don't give up. You know yourself best.

    Strength

    ReplyDelete
  6. Peridot (G+P)4 May 2013 at 01:12

    This scares me and breaks my heart.

    I wish I had better words for you right now. Please don't give up, ok? The longer you spend running from reality the harder it is to face it when you are forced to go back.

    It's better to greet it at your own pace than to have people try to force you to it, which is seriously counter-productive.

    The bigger demon didn't break you, don't let this shit take you down ok? It's like surviving a salt-water croc attack to fall to a caiman.

    Fight Ruby, please. I don't think I could handle losing you right now. I'm trying to fight, you fight too ok?

    Please don't give up.

    Love you so much <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday4 May 2013 at 05:24

      I will Peri and that is great advice, the longer I keep running the harder it will be to face things

      I will continue to fight
      I hope you do too

      Love you too x

      Delete
  7. Angharad 4 May 2013 at 15:08

    Ruby dearest, please don't lose faith, please don't give up hope. The world is out there waiting for you, and the more you avoid it, the further away it becomes. Although, I know this is probably not much consolation, as I can relate to much of what you write, and I know all too well that scary, hopeless, dark abyss that sucks away every positive thing possible.

    You do have a purpose, and it could be such an exciting journey to go out there and find out what that is! ED wants us all dead, but I believe in you that you have the courage and spirit to turn around and defy ED once and for all.

    Please keep fighting - you've gone through far too much to give up now. Please stay strong! I'm always here for you! Sending you much love and hope and strength xxx

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ruby Tuesday5 May 2013 at 04:07

    Thank you sweetie, for your kind words, I know that you are fighting your own battle too

    I will keep fighting, you too x

    ReplyDelete
  9. Bathwater5 May 2013 at 05:48

    It sounds to me like you are not getting the help you need. You may need to go to a psycharict hospital for more intense help.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday5 May 2013 at 09:59

      I have thought about it, I just don't know x

      Delete
  10. Alie5 May 2013 at 09:11

    I'm so sorry you're in such pain right now. I know it's hard, but it's so important to keep fighting. And Mary and Sean can hopefully help you with that--rely on their expertise and guidance if you can. It WILL get better. I know it's hard to see that now, but there's so much out there for you, you just have to hang in there. Do take care, and treat yourself kindly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday5 May 2013 at 10:00

      Thank you Alie, yes I do have good support, I just need to avail of it and ask for help
      It's so hard to ask though, I don't know why
      I'm not always 100% honest with Mary about the purging and I need to be
      She can't help me if I don't tell her what's going on x

      Delete
  11. josie135 May 2013 at 18:47

    Aww Ruby sadly like most of the chicks that read your thoughts I also understand that flat empty feeling. Knowing that better is out there but not believing it is for you. I too have been hiding from reality for a while now because the real world is and has been so depressing. I have an appointment on Wenesday also, maybe that is a sign for us to be honest with our counselors? What do you think?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ruby Tuesday6 May 2013 at 02:38

    I think so Josie
    I was just thinking about that today
    How that Mary can't help me if she doesn't know how bad things are
    It's just so hard, I tend to play down my ED
    Let me know how you get on x

    ReplyDelete
  13. Loulou6 May 2013 at 04:47

    ruby, it's heartbreaking to hear how you feel. please open up to Mary, maybe there is something else available to help, to break the cycle, the vicious circle, the over focusing. tell her how you really feel that you do not feel you have a life and maybe she can give you little aims and goals to work with on a weekly basis. and no matter if you believe this or not, you have done exceptionally well fighting this illness, you are still here, you are still you and you are loved. please do not give up.

    All my love,

    L.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ruby Tuesday6 May 2013 at 04:55

    I won't give up Loulou, I just feel so tired and drained
    I'm going to have to be more honest with Mary
    I think she thinks I'm doing better than I am

    Thank you, you are loved too x

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x

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