Friday, 31 May 2013

Operation Freedom: Take 2

I saw Mary this morning
I accidentally on purpose forgot my food monitoring records
So she said she had to cut the session short because that's what she was going to work on today
I seem to have a huge problem recording my intake
I just don't want to have to write down everytime I purge
It's too difficult to face
Too depressing
And then having to show someone else
That's just too much
But as she says, those records are how I learn what I'm doing right and wrong
So why can't I do it?

It's getting embarrassing
Every Tuesday and Friday I go to see her
And every week I've made precious little progress
There's always a reason not to recover
Always an excuse
A reservation
The thing is I crave independence
My own life
A career
Just a regular life free from this monster
But all of that is outweighed by the fact that I don't want to gain weight
And I can't have one without the other

I started Operation Freedom last week
But after gaining 4 pounds it quickly descended in to Operation Freefall
Interestingly when Mary weighed me today, the 4 pounds had miraculously disappeared
I now wonder did I imagine the whole thing
It wouldn't surprise me these days

I seem to sabotage myself
I'm my own worst enemy
If I could just get out of my own way I might get somewhere
Mary asked me straight out if I want to get well
All I could say was 'I do and I don't'
And that's the truth
It changes from day to day
Hour to hour
Minute to minute
She said that no one can do this but me
'Then why don't I want it more' I asked her
She said she couldn't answer that
I have to figure that one out myself
She asked me if I though I was worth saving
I said not particularly
She spoke about self esteem and said I need to do things to look after myself more
I read somewhere recently that if you don't value your life then death means nothing either
And that's so true
Death doesn't bother me because life means so little to me

As I've said before I can talk about recovery until the end of time but it doesn't count for anything if I don't do something about it
If I don't take action
So I'm going to attempt Operation Freedom again
Even though I'm not sure it's what I want
How will I know if I don't try
Fake it 'til you make it and all that
I remember when I was getting clean off drugs
I made a deal with myself that I would try recovery and give it my best for 6 months
If things hadn't improved by then I could always go back
Drugs will always be there but recovery might not be
And that worked
Knowing I could go back at any time helped me in a weird way
Inevitably things did improve and I never did go back
So I'm thinking that's what I should do now
I've nothing to lose and everything to gain

Anyone out there suffering with an ED knows how soul destroying it is
It sucks the life right out of you
It brings you to the darkest place
Your mind is not your own
I guess the question is do I want to be thin and miserable or a healthy weight and possibly happy
I was watching a programme last night and I found myself laughing
Then I realise it had been months or possibly years since I last laughed
I mean really laughed
 A Proper belly laugh
There's is nothing that feels as good as laughing
I miss that
I miss peace of mind
Feeling comfortable in my own skin
Not feeling anxious
I miss so much

Mary says that it's the small changes that add up to be big leaps
So I'm going to start small
No big empty gestures
Little steps
Baby steps
Rome wasn't built in a day
I know this is a slow process
It can take months to recover physically
Years to recover emotionally
A life time to get over it completely
But to be free of this thing would be worth it
I'm tired of feeling like a spectator to life
Living a half life
Somewhere between life and death

Mary had me write down this

'Every step brings me nearer to my goal'
The goal being happiness, health, independence, freedom and peace of mind
She said to use it as my mantra

I have to keep reminding myself that this is not my first rodeo
I've been this way for a long time
I tend to compare myself to other sufferers
But most other sufferers are younger than me
By the time they are my age most will have some sort of recovery

So I'm going to start and I'll have to be strict with myself
First thing is my choice of reading material
I'm rereading Wintergirls right now and just today I realised that I was trying to keep up with Lia's weightloss
I managed not to buy binge food today too
I'm going to put the money I save from buying binge food towards a fund for a new hair cut
It's not much but that's what I can do today
I'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow
I  just have to keep trying
Yes I fall but the important thing is to get back up, dust myself off and keep going
Keep believing
And keep hoping


  1. A Violet in the Shadows31 May 2013 at 05:24

    Though my ED is not the same as yours, I can relate to all the words you said.

    Just thought I'd comment so you'd know that you're not alone.

  2. Thank you lovely, I'm glad that I'm not alone x

  3. i just recently started to follow along with your story, and you have my full attention. although i have no good words for what you are going through, i can only hope that you know there are people out here who are routing for you... if you can write about wanting to get better and wanting to laugh and be free of this, then i can believe you can and will. baby steps, little changes, small variations. you got this, keep at it :)

    1. Thanks Kayla, I'm following you too
      I do have a lot of support thank God
      I need every little bit I can get
      Yes, baby steps all the way x

  4. And even if it takes take 20 and more... To me it seems i had been trying for years, countless times,before recovery finally took a concrete shape. I even relapsed properly into anorexia when i thought i was save, but the relapse was easier to overcome than the original first illness. Please ruby think of the freedom! You ll be free from all those countless hours of tasteless food and acidy purging, disgusting toilets etc etc.. Please do not give up! Try again for a day, two days, a week... And dont step on the scales... My weight fluctuates by 5 lbs in 2 days water, food etc it does not mean you ate gaining, babe!.. Sry i know this is useless all i have wanted to say is : do not give up! You are worth it, but you can ask us and we and your family can and will tell you a thousand times- but its pointless until you finally believe it : you are worth it!!!

    1. Purging is something I desperately want out of my life
      It's driving me bat shit crazy
      I'm trying to do things right
      To do the opposite of what my ED wants
      Weighing is another one that doesn't help at all
      I won't give up just yet Loulou

      Thanks for your support x

  5. Every time you fall, you stand up and push even harder. Throw away your scale. Better yet - destroy it! Use rocks, a sledgehammer, the oven..who cares. My friend suggested this to me and I realized it would grant me at least some freedom. And I think destroying it, rather than avoiding it or giving it away, will help give you the upper hand over your ED, and at least signify one aspect you've conquered. Do you see a nutritionist? I hate to sound like a hypocrite, since I blew mine off after one session...but maybe having a professional to tell you what exactly to eat and when will help you? I felt like it would alleviate the guilt if I had someone saying, "No, you're SUPPOSED to eat at these times, and you're SUPPOSED to eat this much". Either way, I hope you stay strong, your life is yours and it's time to take it back. Being thin just isn't as much fun as it used to be, so why kill yourself now?

    Sending love & light your way always. You deserve to be happy. And think of it this way, all you gotta do is be human. Sounds easy, right? heh, I know it's not that easy but sometimes a little perspective helps, or at least helps me get through one meal. So be human today, or tomorrow, if you can. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you as always :)

    1. I haven't seen a nutritionist in a long time
      But I would be willing to if I thought it would help
      My food choices are very limited and I eat the same things day in day out
      It gets tedious and boring

      Thanks Anna for your suggestions x

  6. Thank you for your comment on my blog , Ruby... I was touched by your story... I don't have anorexia but I do have an eating disorder in that I eat to handle sadness and loneliness. I keep working on myself, trying to figure out why I came to where I am today and how I can change that mentality around.

    I have damaged my body with the excess weight, that in itself causes me more sadness and loneliness... it is a vicious circle. Like you, people ask me if I am worth saving? Sometimes I don't feel that I am.... but somehow I find the tenacity to keep going..

    I am following your blog now... I am rooting for you find a way past this massive challenge in your life...

    Launna xox

    1. Hey Launna,

      Thank you for stopping by and following
      I stumbled across your blog this morning and could relate so much
      You are right it is a vicious circle and so hard to break
      I think for me it all boils to not liking myself very much
      I really need to work on that

      Thank you for your kind words x

  7. You're right; the important thing is that you get back up and keep on fighting. Slip-ups and lapses happen, but we can't let the roadblocks keep us from recovery.

    When I started seeing my dietician (almost a year ago!), the most important piece of advice she gave me was to trust my body. I was terrified of gaining weight, obviously, and assumed it would happen when I tried to normalize my eating patterns. But it didn't. Heck, I lost weight for the first few weeks. If you can, challenge yourself to stay off the scales for a full 7 days. Breaking the scale addiction is so important, and I think you'd be surprised st the result.

    To answer your question, I think I stay in my ED because I'm not ready to face my mental illnesses in general. I don't believe I could recover from my ED and stay sick with C-PTSD, depression, anxiety, agoraphobia etc.. Everything is a bundle package and intertwined, but I'm not ready to face a lot of it yet.
    I hope that makes sense.

    Much love *hugs* xxxx

  8. If you avoid writing it down and making yourself accountable for it then you'll keep on doing it and your memory will edit itself to make you think you're not doing it as much as you are. (Watch some of Carol Tavris' lectures on brains to get why this is. She is hilarious, you won't regret it!)

    4lbs there and gone again? Water weight fluctuation. You don't gain 4lbs of real weight in that time! Just ask a body builder, they're OBSESSED with getting bigger!

    You bloody well ARE worth saving SO THERE. Remember that tons of people think you're a worthwhile human being, and that evidence should count for SOMETHING to your self-esteem. We don't bullshit you about things like that.

    YES YES YES YES IT'S THE BABY STEPS THAT COUNT. Little bits get you SO FAR. You were a ballet dancer, yes? Remember all the hours of little things that went into learning a piece? The strength building exercises, each little repetition getting you that tiny bit closer to going on pointe for the first time? Life is just like that. Pwning this shit is just like that.

    Would reading recovery-oriented material help, so you know what to expect? Hmmm for something completely different may I suggest 'Arrows of the Queen' and 'Exile's Honour' by Mercedes Lackey? I'm a big fantasy and SciFi freak, lol.

    Oooooooh you wanna do a book swap? 0.0

    Don't ever give up hoping, ok? Don't ever stop trying. Even if the only progress you can make is to lie on the floor and refuse to go backwards. (I've had to do that :/)

    LOVE YOU RUBY!!!1!


Thank you for leaving some love x