Friday, 28 June 2013

And then she disappeared

I often read someone's blog and wonder where they got their title from
Obviously it means something very personal to that person and I'm intrigued to know the story behind it
When I was choosing my own title, I had a few in the running
Beauty from pain
Wearing thin
Or simply anorexia and me
Anyone of those would've been fine but I kept coming back to And then she disappeared
I was planning to disappear
Simple as that

I started writing this blog about a year ago having been reading blogs for quite a while
I was adamant that it was not going to turn in to a pro ana blog but reading back on my first couple of months of posts, I can see that I was coming very close
I guess a saw a community of people and wanted to fit in so I wrote about fasting and wanting to be skinny
But over time this blog turned in to something different
I'm extremely uncomfortable with the idea of girls egging each other on to lose weight
It makes me feel slightly sick
We would never encourage someone to pick up a drug (well most of us wouldn't) or to get depression
or any other mental illness
So why is it ok to encourage weight loss?
I think that most people who are 'pro ana' don't necessarily have an eating disorder because of they did they would never wish it on any one else
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy never mind someone who I care about

I admit that I am not in recovery
Or if I am I am failing miserably
I suppose some would say that makes me pro ana by definition
But I am not or never will be pro ana
Then I might as well be pro heroin addiction or pro obesity

I admit that I am struggling
That I am no poster girl for recovery
I feel caught in between my illness and recovery
In limbo
A wish washy, no man's land
Neither here nor there
Stuck in anorexia's waiting room
And I am not an in between kind of person
I'm quite black or white
All of nothing
So being in this place is infuriating
I hate it

Anyway I'm going off the point here
I choose the title of my blog because I was planning to disappear
I had no desire to go on
I just wanted to slip away quietly
But that has changed too
For the longest time I couldn't find one reason to stay here
I felt like a burden to my family
I genuinely thought that they would be better off without me
Now I'm not so sure
Now I have 2 things that keep me going
My dogs
And the thought that maybe I could help others in my position
The only problem with that is that I have to help myself first in order to help anyone else
Easier said than done
I can think of a million reasons for you to recover but when it comes to myself I struggle to find any

I started writing mainly because I was lonely
I had pushed most of my friends away and I was very much alone
I was struggling to keep it together and I needed someone to talk to
For some reason I find it much easier to tell the internet all my problems than talk to someone face to face
But I have to say that this blog is no substitute for human contact
It's great to have this outlet but I think that we need actual human contact
A hug
A shoulder to cry own
That feeling of connection
I have met some amazing people through this blog and for that I am grateful
People that have given me the courage to break the silence of my own struggles without fear of judgement
Mary wonders if this blog is not unhealthy
And there was a time when I thought it was too
I've had to be strict with myself and avoid blogs that I find triggering
Although I'm sure mine can be triggering too

With all that said I was wondering about you
How did you come up with the title of your blog?
And why did you start your blog?
Has it been a positive or negative in your life?


  1. I don't think it makes you pro-ana if you are not in recovery, it makes you unwell. I would define pro-ana as either people who are really unwell and totally in denial, or people that don't udnerstand that eating disorders and diets are very different things. You aren't in denial, you are still unwell but you know it, I would never put pro-ana and your blog in the same concept of things. :)

    I've had a few titles because I had to keep moving.

    The vanishing act of amaris starshine - vanishing, same concept as your title. amaris starshine because amaris means moonchild and starshine is sunshine of the night, the light in the dark, I wanted to disappear among the stars at night.

    Then it changed to the life and death of persephone paix. Life and death self-evident - persephone is the greek god that fell back to darkness, and paix means peace in french - death brings peace was the concept behind that name..

    now we get to Milly and the Moon.
    Same concept again, milly was my nickname given i'm amanda and hated mandy, and the moon and the stars has been imagery I always run back to.

    They are probably all stupid but oh well.

    i know you are struggling but i'm sending you my love and hope xxxx

  2. This is true Milly, I think pro ana means different things to different people

    I've seen you change blogs a few times but I notice that all your titles have a theme, I love them all and they're not stupid at all
    They mean something to you and that is something very personal

    Thank you for your kind words
    Sending love right back atcha x

  3. "Dying is a wild night and new road" was something Emily Dickinson wrote in a letter to someone. She's my favorite poet and at the time I was relapsing so I thought it fit the situation. It's like death but it's all you know. I think mine was very pro ana for myself in the beginning and it morphed over time as well.
    Dying is also life. I knew that when I titled it as well. You have to die to yourself if you want to live. You have to kill that side of you that's destructive. It's a wild and painful night, but that new road is hope.

    My experience has been positive. I'm not sure why I started it. A friend blogged and told me I should. Now, one girl and I are very good friends and even text each other daily. Another two and I email frequently. My blogging friend are friends. They check up on me and encourage me to choose life even when I feel like death. <3 you are lived.

    1. I love that Eve
      I wondered where that quote was from

      I agree, I've met some of the most amazing people here
      And I still find it so cool that I can speak to people on the other side of the world who are in the same boat as me
      We're all just people at the end of the day
      We may be worlds apart but we are all connected by the common thread of this illness x

  4. Hi Milly, I just found your blog. I blog over at Eat Run Live I came up with my title because that was my goal in life. To just be able to eat "normally," run, and live happy. Running has really helped with my recovery (bulimic for 10 years) I consider myself recovered physically but it took me longer to get farther with my recovery mentally. I've been blogging a little under a year and if you were to go back and read from the beginning you will see how I was still struggling with my mind. I've grown a lot so far in 2013 and I think most of it came with the help of blogging. Knowing I'm not the only one out there, knowing I could help other people, knowing in my heart that things will get better and I will be successful.

    1. Hey Ashley, thanks for stopping by

      That's great that you are in recovery
      No mean feat so really well done

      I think that over time we grow and mature and our priorities change
      My own blog has changed quite a lot in the last year too

      Am going to check out your blog right now x

  5. I think people who are pro-ana are maybe so delusional (because of their EDs) that they can't see the negatives or if they do they think the positives far outweigh them.
    I don't really know, but I would be hesitant about saying they don't have eating disorders.
    I like how you say the name was sort of calling you. You kept coming back to it. I think the name is beautiful.
    And I agree about human contact. For me it's kind of the opposite. I have my blog as a social contact boost if I don't have enough human contact.

    I chose my blog name "Bulimia Girl" because I wanted it to be clear. So that whoever came across it would know exactly what it was about. I don't think the name is good but I think it serves its purpose.
    The blog has definitely been positive. Reading others' thoughts about my delusional thinking, meeting people know are going through the same thing as me, being able to let loose all my worries and fears that other people would balk at or get bored of.

    1. True Emily
      It was probably a generalisation of me to say that all pro ana people don't have EDs

      Your title is definitely clear
      It does what is says on the tin

      I'm glad that blogging has been positive for you
      I really like your blog x

  6. It seems a few of the blog titles have some connection with death. My current one is no different. Felo De Se, is Latin. It means "felon of himself". It is an old legal term for suicide. I use it because I have attempted suicide in the past. I also feel that what I struggle with in life is self induced so I am a victim of myself.

    I usually pick my avatar names quickly, Bathwater is from the saying, "don't through the baby out with the bathwater", or don't through out the good with the bad. That makes me the bad.

    Your blog is not pro-ED. I don't see you promoting EDs. I think it is just you being honest with your struggle. Blogging can bring friends into your life. It has mine but you are right, it does not take the place of a hub or the personal connection with someone else.

  7. Ruby... I wanted my blog to have a simple name beacause my name is unique all by itself (I love my name - pronounced La-wanna)... I started blogging to give myself a voice a year after my ex raped me.. he had nearly destoyed me. Blogging helped me to grow and overcome that incident.

    I work at it daily but I never give up!!!

    1. I wondered how your name is pronounced

      Never give up Launna, you have come so far x

  8. You would think I'd know why I picked my title but I really don't. Some people seem to think I just wanted it to be noticed but I've never cared about what others are provoked by. I started writing because I had to, and I don't regret it.


    1. Personally Avy I completely adore your blog title. It's incredibly unique and with the following you have, it's instantly recognizable. I think that's important in any blog, to have it's own flavor.

    2. I love your title Avy
      Don't worry about what others think
      Write for you and you only x

  9. Hmm. When I first fell down the rabbit hole of all this, it was defintely through blogs. Not that I blame blogs or the "pro-ana" movement for making me develop an ED, but I can't lie and say it didn't affect me. One of the first blogs I followed was Control, ran by PrettyWreck. I really liked how she used the juxtaposition of beautiful things to describe a nightmare. I came up with the phrase "Pretty Lies and Fake Smiles" because that's what my world was coming to: a complete facade. I already had the mentality of no matter what shit is happening, always look and seem presentable. I still have that mentality. At times I thought of changing it to "Pretty Lies or Ugly Truth", but I thought well no one will recognize me then.

    In the beginning, I would definitely say reading blogs and writing my own was unhealthy. I would not have been as deep in if I didn't have this community. Again, not blame, just a catalyst. But even in recovery, I can't just leave this blog and these ladies, it would honestly break my heart. I really consider all my readers my friends, I care. It's kind of a fucked up yet incredibly supportive type of sisterhood almost. However, my blog has transformed over the years from me as a whiny teenager complaining about how fat I feel, to me trying to grow up and recover and grow. (Really, if you go back in the archives, some of the things I wrote about were total bullshit. See, the prom era around 2011, UGH). All in all, it's been a better thing for me than a worse thing. Sorry my comment was a novel.

    1. I'm kind of sorry that I didn't start writing this blog sooner
      I would've loved to have a record of the last few years
      I suppose I was too busy being out of my head x

  10. I started my blog from the perspective of an ugly depression. My classmate encouraged me to use a blog as an outlet. I fell instantly in love. I have felt the emotions of not wanting to wake up the next day, of being so anxious for the floor to drop beneath my feet and that I was a stupid, useless burdon on planet Earth.

    Opening your presence is clearly a play on words and I liked that. I am a playful girl. I wanted to use my blog as a positive space where the dregs of depression don't exist. I forced myself to find an inspiration in every situation throughout my short days _ I slept 14 hours a day.

    1. I love that Vanessa
      And your blog is definitely a positive space
      There is so much negativity on the net that it's refreshing to read something uplifting x

  11. 'Too much, not enough' really hits home for me. There will always be too much of something and not enough of another, no matter what it is, if that makes sense.

    I started blogging just after I left my boyfriend. I'd been reading blogs for years, though he wouldn't have approved of me blogging myself. I wanted to share my story, find support, find friends. I'm isolated but blogging gives me some reach-out into the world.

    Blogging's been a positive experience for me. I think I'd be in a much worse place had I gone through the last year completely alone. I don't think that you have to be either in recovery or pro-ana though. Surely there's a middle ground for struggling with ED.

    Love you dear Ruby. Keep fighting <3 *hugs*

    1. I can relate to your title so much
      I think a lot of people struggling with food issues can

      Yes, there definitely is a middle ground, it doesn't have to be one extreme or the other
      I guess sometimes I can't always see the middle ground but in reality I'm probably there somewhere

      Love you too Bella-boo x

  12. Well, I certainly cannot speak for anyone else, but I would NEVER say you were in any way pro ana! You are clearly sruggling with something very real and even though you feel like you are you failing and you want to disappear, you get a A+ for effort! The fact that you are trying is incredible and your blog is such anspiration, as are you, Ruby! Hang in there, babe! Let's keep mucking on, eh?!

    This post and a previous one was the inspiration for my latest post. I have changed my url. Blogger might take a while to update it, but you can find my blog here now:

    Massive hugs, Ruby baby! Oceans of love. :)

    1. Ah thanks Jeanne

      Yes, I had tried to get in to your blog and I couldn't but now I know why, I'll stop by soon

      Hugs right back atcha x

  13. Not being in recovery is not pro-ana at all, not in my opinion. For me pro-ana is those wanting anorexia, thinking it's glamorous, a lifestyle choice. An eating disorder support community either by blogs, twitter, forums, will support and be there for people. Pro-ana forums (one site in particular that I've heard a lot of bad stuff from) berate people if they say they've gained weight, eaten X amount that day etc.

    Anyway, I digress. I think my title 'recovery is worth the fight' is something that I'd said or thought maybe. And I liked it. I was posting on tumblr but wanted a blogspot for text posts (for which I have ideas, I'm just yet to write them!). My tumblr title was 'I'm trying to rid the poison from my mind' which is a lyric from a song, and very apt. I still like that.
    I haven't blogged here for long but it's been a positive, for me to see how much progress I have made written down.

    1. Hey Danielle,

      Yes having thought about it, it most definitely isn't one or the other, there is a whole grey area in the middle where probably the majority of us lie

      I love recovery based blogs, people turning their lives around and giving hope to others x

  14. In answer to your question, I chose to title my blog "I Tick The Way I Do Because I Am Me".
    I guess I chose that as my title because when I started my blog, it wasn't about anything in particular. I just wanted to put myself out there, maybe let people into the chaos that was my life. Looking back on my early posts, I can see that very clearly. But as time passed, I fell more and more into my ED and my depression, and my blog kind of became a way for me to argue with myself. To write how I was feeling, since I too find it easier to write than to talk to someone in person.
    I don't remember how I came up with the title. It just popped into my head, and I felt like it was "me". Like it described me. Or it cliked with me.
    My blog has definitely been a positive impact on my life, because it's an outlet. I never thought I'd find solace in writing, but now that I don't turn to people, writing has helped me in so many ways. Xx

    1. That'a what most people said CJ, that their title just came to them, it's very personal thing

      I'm glad that blogging has been a positive in your life, mine too, I would be truly lost without it x

  15. Oh Ruby I have to say that I personally never consider your writing pro ana!

    You say you are not in recovery but the very fact that you know that when you answer anorexia it is wrong shows you are in recovery-even if just a bit of you-it still counts!

    This is a place where people will not lose hope in you because you share your honest thoughts and everyone can see a girl who deep down wants to be well.

    Fuck those who cock their heads, frown sceptically when they find out you blog and what about because they have no idea of the benefits of the release it gives you.

    Although it is far from ideal I would be amazed if you didn't visit some blogs who are pro ana. It is like boys who say they have never looked at porn! It doesn't make you a failure.

    Writing my blog gave me something to truly lose myself in. That is a massive thing for me. I hadn't got lost in anything other than food and calories before blogging. Defo possitive!

    Love your blog always and even more I love the Ruby behind it! xxxx

    1. Thank you Katie for your kind words, it means a lot

      It's true, I admit that I used to read quite a lot of pro ana blogs and I still do from time to time
      But more and more I am reading recovery blogs as I don't get triggered by them

      I agree, I use my blog for the same reason
      I've always kept a journal so it's nice to have our experiences written down for the record

      Love you lots x

  16. You definitely are not pro-ana; you know that the illness is a bad thing even when it takes over and you never ever encourage others to engage in it.
    My blog title "Talking is the first step..." isn't that inventive, I just needed something and it felt true I guess. I've found that I can't heal from things until I've spoken about them and blogging can be a part of that.
    I guess I started my blog because I needed to. Although my friends and family are extremely supportive, I have no one in the real world who truly understands my issues as others who have gone through it do. I've always struggled with talking about emotions, but through the journals I have always kept I have found a way to capture them through writing. A desperate attempt to connect with others when I feel completely alone.
    Overall I have had a good experience and found complete acceptance - something which I've never had before. Sometimes I have to be careful when others are particularly struggling, but we all help each other and the positives I get from the community completely outweigh that. I'm pretty new to this but I don't think I'll be able to stop now that I've started and I wouldn't want to!
    Great post Ruby xxx

    1. Hey Milo,
      Your title is very significant to you and I'm sure that a lot of people can relate to it, I sure can
      The first step is always the hardest
      It reminds me of a saying here in Ireland in Irish
      Tus maith is leat ne hoibre
      A good start is half the work and that is so true

      Take care x

  17. Mine is called "Haunted" because I feel haunted. By anorexia, by memories, by Murphy's Law, and by ghosts. I feel sometimes like a haunted house - all full of dark cobwebs and lurking stuff that I just pray stays hidden long enough for me to function. Haunted houses look fine most of the time in the daylight, but when the sun goes down the scary things become apparent.


  18. I can relate to that Kate
    It is like being haunted by a ghost
    I hope you can fight your demons and come out the other side x

  19. I chose my name because that is what my ED is to me. Constant whispers in my head, sometimes louder than others, telling me who I am and what to do. I feel like the thoughts of my ED are not my own, someone else is saying this things, putting it in my head. I obviously know it is not anyone else but me, but I think it has helped me separate myself by personifying my ED.

    I fear that my blog can be triggering. It is in no way, pro-any part of this lifestyle. But I found a community of people I could be honest with about this stuff for the first time, so it is sometimes hard to hold back the details that could trigger others.

    I know our stories are similar, and I do hope that I don't offend or trigger you at all, but I would understand you not reading my blog because of that. Although I am aimed for recovery, I am not there yet.

    I have never felt your page was pro-anything. I try not to read or follow anything that promotes or encourages this behavior, because like you said, how could anyone suffering like this want others to feel this way as well? I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

    I love your blog, I find it helpful and motivating and sometimes even just interesting. But I do think it is important for you to consider if it is healthy or not for you. I think it's something important for all of us to evaluate every so often.

  20. When you say 'no-man's land' I think mud and razor wire an unexploded bombs and craters full of body parts. This place is hardly wishy-washy. Dangerous, deadly. Between you and everythingn worthwhile.

    Those reasons apply to you too. They fucking do.

    My blog title was a misunderstood facebook post. I posted "I have glue and pieces but nothing sticks together" the day after I'd left a party and tried to kill myself. Everyone thought that I had gotten smashed and couldn't remember the night and had had a really good time. Nobody noticed I needed help. Nobody knew me at all. I made my blog to vent things I couldn't talk about IRL. My quest for death by the slowest, most torturous method I could find. (Starvation. It hurts like a bitch the whole way down. Then sight and mind and organs fail and you are FREE.)

    Blogging has kept me alive and helped me find better friends than I had ever thought existed. Blessing adn curse. Kept me alive long enough to finally get medical help. Dunno if that's a good thing.

    Love you so much Ruby. Thank you for sticking around as long as you have <3

  21. Hi my name is V, hope its okay for me t comment I never have before. I have been reading your blog for sometime. I set up my blog today actually, it's something I had wanted to do for ages but never knew how to, I am not technical! I started my blog today after being in an inpatient unit for 6 months with anorexia. I am 21 years old and have been with anorexia for 5 years, and never recovered. I don't think your struggle with recovery makes you pro Ana/Mia at all, in fact I just think it makes you poignantly honest about the struggle with the disease. I choose my name 'fragilehiddenbeauty123' because every person who I have met who has had or has an ED, is fragile whether it is emotionally, physically, psychologically or mentally. And the hidden beauty part because every Person who I have encountered with the disease wants to give so much but take so little. I have admired your blog for a long time and identified with everything you have said, and I hope 1 day someone will read and comment on my blog as others do with you. Live for today because tomorrow can worry about itself. Xxx

  22. I wanted a really deep title but couldn't think of anything except that I feel alone and I wanted to connect to someone on my journey that is my crazy life. And that's what I have found, a few people who get what I am feeling at any given point. Sometimes things are good or hopeful sometimes not. Its life. I know that others understand why I self medicate with food and don't judge. most people can't really get it.


Thank you for leaving some love x