Monday, 8 July 2013

Anorexia V Bulimia

Gosh, Monday comes around so quickly
Too quickly
Even though I'm doing not very much, time seems to slip by so fast
It's a good thing and a bad thing
It means the world is still turning even though my life has come to a stand still
But it also means that the weeks are turning in to months and the months are turning in to years
I swear I blinked and 10 years went by
And I am still in this place where time has no meaning

I saw my doctor first thing
Notice I am saying 'my doctor' and not 'nice woman doctor'
Yes I have adopted her
Not officially of course,  I am still under my other doctor, only in my head
I finally decided to ask why my usual doctor has been out for so long
It turns out he has done his back in and needs surgery
Looks like he will be out for a while
She asks how I am
I tell her some but not all
She asks if the interruption to seeing my usual doctor has been stressful
I almost laughed when she said this because it has actually been the opposite
A fresh pair of eyes on the situation has helped I think
I tell that it hasn't been too stressful
That I find it easier to talk to someone I don't know than someone I do know
You can't disappoint someone that doesn't know you
After speaking for a while she tells me that her sister had an ED when she was a teenager
I was a bit blown away that she shared that with me
I wanted to ask loads of questions but I held back and just asked her if she had recovered
She had
I was glad
Maybe it's this reason that she is taking my case so seriously
She really listens
I can tell because she stops writing and turns and looks directly at me
She often tells me not to beat myself up about things
I need to hear that
I seem to beat myself up about the littlest things
And my ED thrives on that
On guilt and shame
I leave feeling hopeful
And you know what?
I don't even know this doctor's name
And I don't really want to know
I just like to think of her as a kind stranger

I wrote on Friday about wanting to address the purging and it was one of my goals for this week
Friday went ok
I purged once
But in my eagerness to stop I seem to be going to the other extreme
All of a sudden I am afraid to eat and even drink because I don't want to purge
Yesterday was not a good day
I went the whole day without eating and drank only a small amount of water
I don't know about you but when I stop eating I get really hyper
I'm like an energiser bunny
Talking non stop
Moving in fast forward
I actually became afraid last night because I couldn't calm down and forced myself to eat some tea and toast
I don't know why it is although I'm sure there is a biological reason for it
I really don't like it though
I feel so out of control

It bothers me greatly that I seem to bounce from one extreme to the other
All or nothing
Black or white
Too much or not enough
I don't seem to have grasped the concept that there is a whole grey area in between
A balance
A happy medium
I don't fit neatly in the the label of anorexic or bulimic
I think what I have lies somewhere between the two
On any given day I could be one or the other
I guess you could call it anorexia with binge purge sub type
I seem to have the worst traits of both conditions
The rigidity and inflexibility of anorexia and the impulsiveness of bulimia
It's confusing to say the least
But I think probably not too many people meet all the criteria for any illness

I mentioned on Friday that I have become bored of my ED
And I have
I am boring myself
Talking about it
Thinking about
Everything about it
She is like a friend that I've outgrown but won't take the hint and go away
I think it's a good thing though
It doesn't have the same mystique that it once had
Now it's just like a job
A mind numbingly repetitive job
I work hard all week restricting and exercising
And at the end of the week I expect a big fat pay check in the form of weight loss
My weight continues to drop and I continue to not give a shit

I asked my mother this morning if I am going crazy because I really thought that I was this weekend
She said no
She said that yes I am sick but not crazy
Do you ever feel like that?
That along with the weight you are losing your mind?
Losing my mind scares me a lot more than losing my body
I can handle physical pain
Give me it over emotional pain any day of the week
The thought of losing my mind terrifies me
It doesn't bear thinking about

Today I am trying to strike a balance with food
And not err on the side of caution too much
I have no idea  what to eat or how much
Like a child I need to relearn healthy food habits
But it can be done
I know it can
Recovery is possible
It's not something that only happens in books and films
People can and do get better
Yes, it will be unimaginably hard and I will want to tear my hair out
But it will be worth it
I haven't come throught the horrors of heroin addiction on for my ED to kill me
To be free of this thing would be life changing
I have to believe that
Other wise I will completely crack up and really will go insane

Are you like me?
Do you find it hard to strike a balance with food?
Answers on a postcard please?


16 comments:

  1. My Dad tells me "Take a holiday from your illness" Don't talk about your illness or think about it for one day. Try to just LIVE. Just BE. I have homework for you. It seems to me, and I am NOT a professional, but your purging seems to be a symptom of the bigger problem which is your guilt and shame. Make a list of positive things others have said about you. Can't find anything, just ask. Keep this piece of paper on your person and look at it frequently. You matter. You are forgiven. You don't have to fight anymore. You can just BE.

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  2. I think you are right Vanessa
    My ED does seem to thrive on guilt and shame
    It really has nothing to do with food
    Making a list is a good idea
    I find it very difficult to see anything positive about myself

    Thanks for the suggestion x

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  3. I am totally unbalanced when it comes to food... I either overeat or restrict my calories.

    I believe in you Ruby... I know you can beat this... I'm beating my addictions one after another ;-)

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    1. I'm the same Launna
      I really struggle to find a balance

      Thank you for believing in me until I can believe in myself x

      Delete
  4. It seems you have a knack for attracting all the right kinds of people, Ruby. I wish I had a doctor like this. Who actually listened and wasn't afraid to share things about her personal life.
    I did have a psychiatrist who told me he had been anorexic once, and I didn't know what to think. I didn't like the idea. But maybe that was because I didn't really like him all that much.
    I like Vanessa's idea. Trying to take a day to just be yourself, free of your illness. Distract yourself, think good things about yourself, smile, laugh.

    Thankfully, I have less of a problem with food balance than I used to. I no longer restrict, which is good, but I still binge, obviously, so I have a problem eating too much. Sometimes I wish I could restrict again, but then I remind myself that it gives me headaches and I can lose weight without restricting. Not the best of reasons, but it's still something.

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    1. It's funny Emily, it seems that when I need them the most, the right people appear in my life
      It always happens to me
      I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and then someone unexpected but helpful will come in to my life one way or another x

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  5. Yes. Most definitely. I feel like I'll never learn. I love flavors of things and so I'll eat desserts and stuff even when I'm not hungry sometimes. I just want to learn to enjoy the moment but I can't. I want more but can't have more or I'll be fat. It's so damn hard. Thank God I love veggies and fruits and not a big fan of pastas and junk food. That makes it easier to be healthy.I hope someday I can have balance.

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    1. I'm the same Eve
      In the moment food is the only thing that matters and feels good
      But the guilt afterwards is overwhelming so then I go to the other extreme and stop eating altogether
      I hope you manage to find a balance

      Keep fighting x

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  6. In case you didn't know, my middle name is Pendulum! Either overeating or undereating. Starving or purging. Elated or miserable. All or freaking none. That balance is crucial for recovery, I think. I've been purge-free but just like you said, it made me terrified to eat so I wouldn't. I just couldn't. I used to get that energized high when I refrained from eating..it's endorphines in your body going off and jazzing you up. But just like anything else, there is a crash.

    Hope you can work your way towards eating more than just toast and being able to keep it down. I know it is not easy and honestly Ruby, I feel like I am in the same whirlwind as you are, wanting so bad to get better but having a difficult time making the appropriate changes to do so. But I believe as long as we want it, we will get there, even if its a slow process.
    Proud of you for trying, and I have loads of faith in you <3

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    1. Thanks Anna
      Yes, I can always relate to you so much
      Our stories are similar
      I hate that you suffer this too but I am glad that I am not the only one because sometimes it feels that way
      We will get there though
      I have every faith in you
      You are a tough cookie and that will stand to you x

      Delete
  7. I definitely have difficulty striking a balance. I'm in a similar position, trying to limit my purging and feeling completely confused about how to handle food so I just default to restricting. It's like a pendulum. Have you ever done nutritional counseling? It's like therapy with a nutritionist, only less focus on meal plans, and more on whats going on in your life and how it's effecting your behaviors/ how to handle situations. I've been doing this...there is little pressure, so I find it helpful.

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    1. No I have never done that
      Mary never tells me what to eat, just that I eat something
      The thing is I just don't know what to eat
      I don't know what I like
      I don't really cook
      I wouldn't know what to eat
      It sounds good though and I'm glad it's helping you x

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  8. I'm so glad to hear you've adopted the nice woman doctor. She really listens, responds and cares, which isn't easy to find in a GP.

    I don't swing between extremes. I either eat too little, or I drive myself crazy trying to figure out 'regular eating' before giving up and going back to restriction. Even when I was eating weight restoration amounts, I couldn't get the hang of regular eating. I ate the same meals and snacks each day. I need rigidity, safe foods, meal plans, routine.

    You're in my thoughts dear Ruby. I hope the week ahead is kind to you <3
    xxxx

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    1. It has come at just the right time Bella
      A fresh pair of eyes on the situation has really helped
      And it looks like my own doctor won't be back for quite a while

      Thanks sweetheart, thinking of you too x

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  9. So glad you have a doctor who understands you. Fate works in funny ways.

    I bet you have already heard it but there is a quote I like and actually do believe too: 'to find yourself you have to have lost yourself' this is like losing your mind I think, so even if you have; don't worry it is part of the recovery process. I think an ED can make you forget who you are without it. Especially as most peoples ED develops in adolescence and therefore you never really live as an adult without it.

    Perhaps your doctor could give you more of a routine eating pattern to follow if you are struggling with a 'right' structure? I struggle too- I just rely on calories to be honest.

    Good luck Ruby xxxxxx

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  10. Better standing still than sliding backwards. ESPECIALLY if you're halfway up a sand-dune :p

    Damn, the middle zone is so ahrd to get to, especially if you've been away from it for so long you can't recognise it until it's gone.

    I feel more like that as I lose sleep I lose my mind. I can feel the edges going. It's scary to be standing at work and suddenly not knowing if what is going on around you is really real or if you're dreaming or imagining something. I'm still able to pull myself back, but I'm worried it will go forever and I'll end up in Wakari like my uncle.

    It's going to be like learning to walk again. Think about it like having had both legs smashed up and you've spent the last 10+years in hospital beds and wheelchairs because they wouldn't work. Now comes the rehabbing of the muscles and relearning all the tiny little things others don't even think about as they run around.

    Blood, sweat and tears and joy and falling on your face and little victories that mount up until you have this thing that everyone else takes for granted and only YOU realise how awesome it is.

    Do it for you. Do it for your freedom from something else dictating your life and structure of days to you. Do it for holidays where you don't have to case the flush-power of toilets. Do it for picking something because you like the FLAVOUR and not it's calorie content or purgability.

    Do it for you, because you are awesome and deserve to be happy and I love you to bits *huggles*

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Thank you for leaving some love x