Friday, 19 July 2013

Not quite perfect

I'm heading home today
I don't quite know how I got through this week but I did
I think maybe it might have been to soon to go away for a week but I had to do it sometime
Dive in to the deep end
After The salt incident I rang Mary
She is always telling me that I can ring her anytime but this is the first time I've taken her up on her offer
The minute I heard her voice I started crying again
She waited for me to compose myself
I told her what had happened
How hard I've been trying
That is wasn't really about the salt
More than that it was a build up of feelings and emotions and the salt was the last straw
As ever, Mary was calm which calmed me down
She talked me through the last few days and we identified things that were difficult and triggering
I got off the phone feeling a whole lot better

But the incident has set me back a bit
I've been restricting ever since and purged twice yesterday
I feel like I've gained weight
A lot of weight
Even though I am usually wrong about these things, I still feel huge
I'm excited but also terrified to weigh myself when I get home
I probably shouldn't but I know that I will do it anyway

Addictive thinking is quite strong at the moment
I've been slightly paranoid
Thinking that people are annoyed with me
Fed up with me
Afraid to speak sometimes for fear of what people will think of me
And also people pleasing
I don't say what I'd like to do
I always put other people's needs or wants ahead of my own
In drug recovery and I'm sure it's the same for ED recovery, they say that you need to be a little bit selfish
That you have to recognize your own needs and  do what is best for you
I really struggle with this
I think it's partly not feeling good enough
Partly that I don't deserve to have these needs and wants met
I need to start doing this though
It's all part of looking after myself
I think a huge part of my ED is self denial
Feeling unworthy of things
Not just denial of food and water but also things like heat or fun or comfort
Are you like that?

As hard as this week was there were some positives and I have to acknowledge them
Every so often I got a glimpse of the old Ruby
The sarcastic, fun loving girl that I used to be
She is trying to break through the walls of anorexia
I can feel it
And I know if I just let her, she could come out
All too often I push her so far down that all is left is  my ED
And my ED has no personality
She is cold and aloof and silent
For a long time I thought that my personality had disappeared
That I was just left with an empty shell
Hollow inside
But now I am starting to see that the real Ruby is still in there
She has just been pushed to one side by anorexia and bulimia

I've also realised how stuck in my ways I am at home
Every day is the exact same
I do the same thing every day almost to the minute
I made a huge effort this week to break out of my routine
It was incredibly hard at first
It felt so wrong
But 5 days later I can see the benefits
I've tried to go with the flow and not worry about my own rigid rules
The trick now is try and do this at home

The other thing I've become aware of is my impulsiveness
Making snap decisions without thinking of the consequences
For example I saw a lovely pair of jeans and a nice top in a shop
I immediately wanted to buy both even though I couldn't afford to
Being aware of my compulsion to shop, I left the shop to think about it
I went back yesterday and decided to just buy the top
And I felt good for not leaving myself broke


Overall this week has been a huge lesson
I've made mistakes and learned from them
I've reached out for help
I've tried to give myself a break
Tried to enjoy myself inspite of myself
The only hurdle I'm avoiding is my weight
I'm just not ready to regain
Not yet



Girl giving free hugs in the street




11 comments:

  1. Begin anyway, even if you're not ready. Start slowly, but please start. There's no time to waste in getting back the old Ruby!
    Don't let the salt incidence sabotage you. There are so many more meals that you won't pour salt on by accident, and they could go so well if you have the motivation to power through. Use your support team and family and everyone around you.
    <3

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  2. You are enough. That's what my yoga teacher taught us. Whatever happened this week , know that you have done enough, you are enough as you are in the moment.

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  3. Throw the scale away! Burn it, destroy it! Good lord, that thing does more damage than it's worth!

    A Plus for all your effort this week, breaking your routine, being more social, trying to eat more normally, reaching out to Mary. Those are all really big steps!!! And even if you had some setbacks, you should be proud of yourself for trying so hard. The salt incident really reminded me of myself. I have been in the exact same situation, where for whatever reason, I am ready to eat, things don't work out (I burn something, run out of an ingredient, etc) and I completely panic and say fuck it. It's so hard when we psych ourselves up to do the right thing but then things don't go the way we plan..we turn back to our disorders for how to deal with it.

    I don't know if selflessness is an attribute of our disorders, but I am the same. To a flaw. And it gets worse when I'm more focused on my disorder. You have to start doing things for Ruby. Get your nails done, buy yourself a smoothie, take a long bath. Treat yourself! You deserve it. It doesn't mean you're selfish. It means you are lovable and capable and deserve the same niceties as everyone else.

    You'll be in my thoughts, and I have faith that things will be looking up for you :)

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  4. I'm so glad you rang and spoke to Mary. You've done do well this week to break your routine, god knows it isn't easy, but the fact you've seen the benefits has to be a bonus.

    The scale can hold us back more than anything else. I've not weighed daily for over a year now, once a week messes with my headed enough, and I've no regrets. Do you think it would help to work towards Mary monitoring your weight?

    A lot of my ED is based on the fact I don't deserve things. Whether it's food, water, happiness, comfort, health, life. Anything. My mum tells me that I have to be kind to myself, but I just don't see it.

    Ruby is still in there, and I know she can break free of those walls. Keep fighting for the Real Ruby.

    You're in my thoughts dear <3 xx

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  5. Ruby, I only know one of you... if you say the old Ruby is fun loving, that is the one I know... ever since I emailed you almost six weeks ago, you have been very kind and supportive of me. I really felt touched that you answered me back.

    Keep fighting girl... one day we will win :)

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  6. I'm glad you have someone to talk to and that you are comfortable enough with Mary to call her for help if you need it. I'm also incredibly thankful that she was able to make you feel a little better about things.

    Just remember, every small step counts. And like your picture above says, maybe you're not quite perfect, but nobody is and nobody expects you to be. You are good and beautiful - just the way you are.

    Keep at it.

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  7. You are doing great Ruby! Remember if you take two steps forward and fall one step behind you are still one step ahead.

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  8. What you are going through is totally the retaliation of your eating disorder. It's loud and it's angry and it doesn't want to loose you so it's going to strike back with vengeance. The more you fight it the easier it will become, but this is a critical time to fight, you cannot give in now, don't let it take even more power over you! You must take the power back, it's the only way to live, it's the only way you can live the life you were meant to. Body image is the hardest battle in recovery, it takes LOTs of time, but it gets easier and protecting yourself from the scale and the mirrors definitely made it easier in my own experience. Hang in there lady and keep reaching out for support!!

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  9. I want to give you a huge hammer to smash through the walls you have to get through. If I could arm you, equip you, I would. As it is, I only have words... They say that the pen is mightier than the sword, but as far as an ED is concerned, you're gonna need both.
    I'm sorry I haven't been in touch before. I wrote replies to your comment on my blog TWICE and lost BOTH of them in some sort of cybervoid. My laptop connection is dodgy and relying on coffee shop wi fi isn't always a good plan.
    I'm thinking of you and hoping for you.

    WS x

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  10. PS
    OMG! I've successfully made a comment!!!!!

    PPS.
    I can't believe I just used 'OMG'

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  11. "I really struggle with this
    I think it's partly not feeling good enough
    Partly that I don't deserve to have these needs and wants met"
    Me too. Not feeling like I deserve anything and that I'm not good enough and I'm a horrible person are things I really struggle with in therapy. And that's just focusing on the depression side of things! 0.0;

    The shopping thing. I do that too. I've started leaving it a day or two, or until payday. If the impulse passes and I still want it I can buy it. I've had to do that with pretty ponies on PI, otherwise I'd be broke as fuck and buying ingame currency from other players with real currency in order to afford vetting and contesting fees -.-; My goal is to SELL the game currency to other players, nut BUY from them!

    One day at a time. When your mind is better you can start working your body back into dancing, spinning, ass-kicking health and strength again <3

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Thank you for leaving some love x