Wednesday, 25 September 2013


Monday was doctor day
Just after I sat down in the waiting room, I saw an old friend of mine walk in
I haven't seen her in months
Maybe even years
My knee jerk reaction was to bury my head in the magazine I was reading
It's a reaction that I can't help
It's not that I didn't want to see her
I think it's a shame thing
Shame for not keeping in contact
For weighing the same as a baby elephant
Out of the corner of my eye I saw her approach me and sit down beside me
She envelopes me in a big hug
I had heard that she had relapsed back in to bulimia
She's in the same boat as me
We talked for a while
Compared war stories
She said that she felt so bad that she had gained weight but in my eyes she had lost weight
She told me that I was 'fading to nothing'
She hopes to go to treatment
This thing has almost broken her
I showed her the magazine I was reading (Slimming World) and we laughed
It was so nice to see her
To sit and talk to someone who gets it
To know that I'm not the only one who feels this way
Don't get me wrong, it's amazing to have the support here but it's not the same as sitting down with someone and having a cuppa and a chat
It's not the same as a hug
Her doctor called her and she was gone
I wondered when I would see her again

It got me thinking about friendship and how important it is
My social life online is very active and I have lots of friends who I am in contact with every day
But I have neglected my real life friends
I just haven't been able to socialize
I know some of you meet up sometimes and I would love to do that but I don't know of anyone that lives in this country
I was contacted a few months ago by a girl who lives a couple of hours away
We emailed back and forth
I suggested to her that we meet up sometime and I never heard back from her and she hasn't emailed me since
I wondered if I had scared her off

It is difficult to hold on to friendships when you are eating disordered
Along with the disorder often comes depression and anxiety and that makes it tough to socialize
Losing weight and maintaining my disorder became my priority and I distanced myself from a lot of my friends
I guess that was one of the main reasons that I started writing my blog
I was lonely
I needed to talk to people in the same situation as me
And I have found many amazing friends here
But I think as great as they are, it is no substitute for real life friends

It takes me a while to build a friendship
I'm naturally quite a shy person when I first meet someone so it takes a bit of work for me to become comfortable around them
And I'm not very good in groups
Ideally I'd like to speak to someone one on one
I tend to get on better with people who are older than me
When I said this to Mary she said that it was probably because I compared myself to people my own age
That's true I think

My friend is thinking of going in to treatment, the same as me
It's hard to see her struggling so much as she was always such a positive influence in my life
It just goes to show that anyone can relapse
Anyone can slip
It's scary

I have no doubt though that she will get back on track on
And hopefully I will too

I was wondering about you
Have you managed to hold on to your friendships?
Do you spend more time with on line friendships that real life ones?
Do you meet up with people that you've met on line?


  1. I'm glad you met up with your friend Ruby... I believe you will find a way to move through this eating disorder.

    This week has been one of the toughest weeks of my life... I thought of so many things to get through but ultimately I am living with pain and crying. I'm not running and hiding like usual. It's hard, I fight it every moment of the day but I can't go back to my old life... no matter what...

    1. So sorry Launna to hear that you are struggling this week
      But you are doing the right thing and not giving in
      This will pass an you will get through it
      You are a strong lady and you can do this
      I believe in you so much

      Hang in there, sending you lots of love x

  2. This post really struck a cord with me. When my eating disorder has me in its clutches, I isolate myself completely from my local friends and instead withdraw to my online friends. It's the same with counseling. I find it far easy to talk to a counselor over chat, rather than see them face to face in real life. I'm not exactly sure why this is. I think it's because I'm ashamed of myself. I can choose what to say and what to hide when I'm online. I feel naked and exposed in real life.

    I do have friends. When I was doing better earlier this year, I re-connected with many of them. I felt young and social for the first time in many years. The last couple of months I've pushed everyone away again. I really should try to connect.

    Hope you are doing well Ruby :) I'm glad you got to see your friend xxx

    1. I'm the same Destiny
      When I am in the grip of my ED I isolate so much and it just makes things worse
      I felt so good after seeing my friend this week and I really want to see her again

      I hope you can reconnect with your friends, they are so important
      I miss mine so much

      I'm doing ok thanks, hope you are too x

  3. do you have any way to contact her? find her on facebook or something and ask if she wants to meet up for a proper chat? xxx

    1. Yes, I can do that Milly
      She actually contacted me yesterday so I was delighted to hear from her

      Hope you are ok x

  4. I've always been a social butterfly. Always the person that will start conversations with strangers, meets new people in every situation young and old, knows a face in class, does well in groups. I'm the sort of person that will talk to you frankly and openly, like we've known each other for years. I genuinely care about everyone I talk to. That's why it was always strange to me that I had anorexia. The last relapse was the one where I isolated mostly and clung to a few friends but I think it was because I was so busy with college and was getting anxiety attacks as a result. I do a lot of comparing when I'm around others and I fake my my confidence nearly effortlessly. It actually shocks others to find out just how insecure I am. That's the sad/funny thing. I also never cared about going out to eat with my friends. I just didn't eat or ate salad. If they mentioned something, oh well, because I enjoyed their company. An enigma, I suppose. The only friendships I don't manage to hold on to are the ones where they didn't hold on, and one of my longest friends is now my boyfriend. :)

    I enjoy the friendships I've made doing this blog though. Several girls and I actually text/Facebook message each other pretty regularly and it's not even about ED stuff, just life. I try to maintain them all. One girl and I are such good friends that we want to meet up someday, it's just that we live many many states apart and flying/driving isn't cheap.

    Friendship is definitely a key in recovery. It's difficult to be open but my really good friends know that I struggle with it and if I need to talk about it then they let me. I'm the kind of person that downplays what happens to me though. I'm open with my boyfriend about it when I can be. It's hard for him to understand but he listens and I am never open with my family about it. I'm actually super avoidant when it comes to my problems and family. The two are just separate things.

    You should put that shyness aside a little bit. You're a sweetheart. :D

  5. I panic when I see people I know too (though that doesn't happen often). I've lost contact with all of my friends, except the online ones, and even that's getting difficult. Socializing is near-impossible when you just want to fall over and cry.

    There's a girl who emailed me several months ago, who lives in the same town as me, only a few kilometers away. I'd meet up with her if my anxiety weren't so bad. Heck, I'd be flying all over the world meeting all you lovely people.

    I hope you manage to see your friend again. You're right, there's no substitute for a face-to-face chat or a hug.

    Sending love and hugs your way. I dropped your parcel in the post on Monday, so you should get it soon.
    <3 xx

  6. So glad you were able to see an old friend and reconnect! You're right; the physical presence sometimes just helps! I also struggle to deal with friendships and get close to people. I get there little-by-little, and then once we're good friends, it sticks for good. I hope you're able to get close to people and have that bond. You're so sweet; I hope you can get closer to people!

  7. I still haven't managed to recover my offline friendships from when I pushed everyone away in preparation for suicide. Lots of people moved home after they graduated Uni as well, so that didn't help. Meg, these things happen.

    I hope you can revive your social-ness. It's great to hang out with people sometimes :)

  8. Ruby! This is such a point of struggle for me. I reach this place in recovery where I actually start to feel the loneliness that I've surrounded myself in...and when I feel it I get so sad and so depressed and so anxious that no one cares about me in the world. Often times it leads me back into relapse. I'm trying to fight through it better this round though. I have held onto friends from treatment, not all but a few. I find it easier to be friends with those who have eating disorders too because they tend to understand the struggle with isolating...more so than "normal" friends I have had anyways.
    Loneliness is terrifying. At least for me it is. Probably one of the most triggering emotions to deal with. I'm here if you ever need a friend <3


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