Friday 11 October 2013

Once upon a time..................

Once upon a time there was a girl called Ruby
To the outside world she had everything
A nice home
A loving family
Lots of friends
Good grades
She had big dreams to make it out of her small town
She wanted to be a dancer and she studied ballet and jazz
Dancing was all she really cared about
But behind the thin veil of her perfect life, cracks were beginning to appear
Addiction was in home and it effected everyone
She longed for the day when she could turn 18 and leave the tense atmosphere of her house for good and leave all her problems behind her

Ruby had always been a good girl
At home and at school
She never rocked the boat
She was a people pleaser
Eager for people to like and accept her
She just wanted to be loved
But as she grew in to a teenager, she began to unravel
She was tired of being good
Of always doing the right thing
She wanted to break free and have some fun

Ruby made new friends in school
She changed her attitude in to 'I don't give a shit about anything'
But underneath she still just wanted to be accepted
She took up smoking and got drunk for the first time at age 14
She loved the fact that she could escape reality and chased that high again and again
Somehow she managed to make it through school
The last day of school she walked out the school gates anticipating a feeling of freedom but all she felt was lost

As all her friends went to college, Ruby took the first job that came her way
She became involved with a boy who had a bad reputation
Together they dragged each other down
At age 18 Ruby and her boyfriend became addicted to heroin
Her parents also separated around this time
It seemed that her whole world was crumbling but instead of trying to deal with it, she ran in the opposite direction

Heroin addiction brought Ruby to her knees
She was in way over her head
She didn't know it at the time but she was also developing an eating disorder
When she was using she used to stay at her boyfriends house
It was a doss house for junkies
Once a week Ruby would go home and recharge her batteries
Having not eaten for days, felt completely overwhelmed when she opened the door of the fridge and it was packed with food
She felt massively guilty because she knew that there was no food in her boyfriend's house
She also felt greedy for eating the food
To this day she still feels those feelings when eating

Ruby's weight plummeted but she thought she was skinny because of the drugs
She had no clue that she was in the grip of anorexia
Ruby's parents arranged for her to do a detox in a hospital in Dublin
She was 19
Noticing that she wasn't eating, one of the nurses sat her down one day and told her that she had anorexia but Ruby was in massive denial
She just couldn't get her head around it
It was too much to take in
Even though she was eating next to nothing
Even though she was hiding food
Even though she weighed the same as a child
She just couldn't accept it

For the next few years Ruby continued to use
Her life was a total mess physically and mentally
On the eve of her 23rd birthday she went in to drug treatment
Again the subject of anorexia came up
There was another girl there who had anorexia/bulimia and Ruby could relate to her so much
It came to a point where she could no longer deny the fact that she was ill
This girl helped her muster up the courage to be honest
Ruby spent 6 months in treatment and gradually gained weight until she was at a healthy weight
But all was not well
She had switched from anorexia to bulimia and no one knew
She left treatment with another set of problems

Now that Ruby had been given the diagnosis of anorexic, she felt that she had to live up to the title
Up until this point she didn't weigh herself
But the numbers on the scale seemed important to the doctors so they became important to her
She was in and out of hospital and treatment
She was put on meds
One of which was to help her gain weight
And gain weight she did
Over a few months she went from being severely underweight to almost over weight (debatable)
Everyone presumed that because she looked ok she must be ok
But nothing had changed, only her weight
She was still completely eating disordered
She was still purging
She was still anxious and depressed

It took one comment about her weight to send her spinning in to a relapse
She lost weight rapidly
She felt in control again
But along with the weight she felt like she was losing her mind
Her mental state was fragile
Her health was beginning to fail
She restricted so much that binging was inevitable
The binging and purging got worse and worse
On a bad day she was purging 10 - 12 times a day
She began to shoplift food
She felt no different than when she was addicted to drugs
Same shit different substance

This way of life was taking it's toll
 She bounced from extreme highs to extreme lows
She craved evenness and steadiness
Balance
She was so tired being this way
And her life was slipping through her fingers
She had to do something
So she rang the treatment centre and was given an appointment
She hopes to go in to treatment
She has to before it's too late

This story is ongoing so I don't know how it ends
Ideally I would go to treatment and come out brand spanking new
Fixed
Healthy
In a great frame of mind
With a body I loved and accepted
My relationships with my family would be saved
They would be so proud of me for turning my life around
I would come home and start again
I would go food shopping once a week
I wouldn't restrict and I'd eat 3 healthy meals a day without purging
I would pull my weight at home and manage my money properly
I would get back in contact with my friends and have an active social life
I would start attending meetings again and get a sponsor
I'd take care of myself and take pride in my appearance
I'd exercise but not to excess
I'd volunteer at the local animal shelter and maybe foster dogs
I'd go back to school to study something that I love
I'd help other addicts and eating disordered people
I'd be happy in my own skin
Happy with my life
Happy to be me

Of course in reality I know it won't quite be like that
Nothing ever runs as smoothly as that
I have to realistic
Slips and relapse are part and parcel of recovery
I accept that
I just have to be not so hard on myself if I don't do everything perfectly
Recovery isn't about being perfect
It's about doing your best to do the right thing
It's about standing up to your eating disorder and taking your life back
It's about trying
Recovery is not the destination
It's all about the journey

I know that this will the most difficult thing that I will ever do
There are so many things to deal with
Weight restoration
Body image
Rebuilding confidence and self esteem
Learning to accept a new body
Learning new coping skills
So many hurdles to overcome
But I am ready
I am so ready


I have to admit that I am kind of excited about starting a new life
About possibilities
About taking back my life
Being responsible
Anything could happen
Who knows what doors will open and what opportunities will come my way

So my story may not have a happily ever after that that's ok
I will settle for 'And then she lived the rest of her life as best she could'
That's my happily ever after

Do you believe in happily ever after?







27 comments:

  1. No matter how your story ends, I know that you can beat Anorexia and Bulimia. You will come out stronger for this. Xx

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  2. Thanks for the vote of confidence, I appreciate it x

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  3. I am so confident in you Ruby! We all are. Good luck my dear.

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  4. I believe in happily ever after. It's full of tears and sadness, and stress and drama, but there is so much good in the world to balance it out.

    There's a difference between being perfect and perfectly happy. One day you will be perfectly happy. I can feel it.

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    1. I hope so JJ, I have a good feeling about this x

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  5. You story is beautiful and painful and I see a strong future for you. The universe will come together to help you out. Just ask for help and maybe help will appear.

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    1. Treatment is happening much sooner than I thought so I am taking it as a sign that it's meant to be

      Thanks Vanessa x

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  6. As long as you find your happily ever after, that's all that matters. Living the rest of your life as best you can sounds pretty good to me.

    I got your card in the mail yesterday. It was a lovely way to end an awful week. Thank you dear, I'll treasure it.

    xx

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    1. Your so welcome Bella, I'm glad that you liked it

      Try to hang in there x

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  7. You really are a fantastic writer when you get out of treatment you should really write a book (perhaps on your life and recovery or journey through it) I know it would be fantastic.Best of luck with the treatment but you are courageous and strong I'm not sure if your religious but God will never give you more than you can deal with.

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    1. I don't know about that but thank you
      I actually started writing my story this summer and I'll continue to write it in treatment with hopefully a happy ending

      Thanks for your well wishes x

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  8. Hey Hun, although there isn't such thing as a 'perfect ending', I do think you can have your own 'happy ending'. Do you know when you are going into treatment? I am grateful you will be safe! I worry about you and your potassium and dehydration. Hope you are drinking plenty and taking something for your potassium, Sando k? You are in my thoughts always. Xxx

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    1. I don't know yet V for sure
      My assessment is on Wednesday so I will know more after that

      Yes, I do need to get my electrolytes checked before I go

      Thank you lovely, hope you're doing ok x

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  9. Happily ever after is subjective, I thikj. You can learn to be grateful and joyful wherever you are at in your life. I know that recovering is way better than anorexia. Totally. It's not easy and it takes a lot of honesty and perseverance but it's worth it. I believe in you. Prayers and love!

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    1. That's so true Eve, it means something different to everyone
      To me being happy means wanting to live and not wanting to hurt myself or escape reality

      Thanks for believing in me x

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  10. I don't think there is a happily ever after Ruby... I think there is a life of ups and downs and joy... there is always the opportunity to have joy... Although I am having a rough time right now... I believe there will be good again... it always comes... I just have to keep the hope :) It will come for you too, I am thrilled you are going in for treatment :)

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    1. I guess that's the way life goes Launna, it's a rollercoaster

      Keep hanging in there, you are doing so well and have made such great strides over the last few months
      I am rooting for you x

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  11. I'd love the happily ever after too. But even if it doesn't come magically the most important thing right now is you attitude which is good in terms of really succeeding.
    Love you so much and wish you all the best in your way! <3

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  12. You are really inspiring :) You look really gaunt and too skinny i hope to see you happier and healthier when you come out :) You will still keep posting even in treatment right?

    How much weight do you have to put on until healthy can i ask? I really admire your strength :)

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    1. I don't know about that but thank you

      To be honest I'm not quite sure how much I have to put on x

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  13. Wow, 14? I was 13 and my mates considered that to be 'Starting Late'. Guess we got the wrong kinds of friends, ne?

    I hope that one day you'll be able to eat without feeling guilty or greedy. We produce more than enough to feed everyone, it's the broken supply system that lets people starve. Starving yourself doesn't fix that, fuelling yourself so you can take up a sledgehammer does :p (UGH STUPID ARGUMENT IS STUPID IM SORRY)

    Balance is hard, it's dynamic and ever-shifting. It's a skill learned with practise. (Shit, look at kids learning to walk or ride two-wheelers! OW) You can do it. You did it before, right? If not, you're never too old to learn :)

    Happily ever after will never happen to me. Right now I can't even see past next week.

    Love you so so so so so much Ruby. I hope this time treatment helps you more than it did in the past. Remember that you ARE as awesome as your doggehs think you are.

    *Huggles*

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    1. I guess happily ever after is different for everyone Peri
      I will settle for being content in my own skin and not wanting to die

      I know you are struggling Peri
      I know it's shit for you at the moment
      But remember that you are loved
      I have so much admiration and respect for you
      Don't forget that

      Love you to bits and pieces x

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  14. YOU decide how your story unfolds no one else. Like you said it won't be neat and pretty and quick. But make thoe goals for yourself. Decide what kind of life you want. In AA I heard them say find a sponser who has what you want. Do the same. Pick a woman who has her shit together, you don't actually have to tell her or anything, and when faced with something ask yourself what would she do? You have your game plan; time for the game to start.

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    1. I've heard that in AA too Josie
      I had picked a woman and she was my sponsor for about a year
      She was great but I stopped seeing her
      Maybe she would be willing to try again
      I definitely hope to get back to meetings when I'm home
      I have to x

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  15. I believe in your happily ever after. Even if it is not completely happy 100% of the time (that's just impossible) surely a life without and ED is happiness in itself. And I believe you can beat this thing. That will be your happily ever after. <3

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Thank you for leaving some love x