Monday, 23 December 2013

I promise you

Monday again
And it couldn't have come soon enough
I over indulged on my meds last week leaving me with nothing for Sunday
I didn't sleep a wink last night
I stayed up all night chain smoking and drinking endless cups of hot, sweet tea
I watched the movie Never Let Me Go
Perfect for an insomniac with too much time to think

I dragged my weary carcass out of my bed at 8am to go to the doctor
The first thing I noticed when I sat down was his Christmas tie
When I complimented him on it he proudly pressed a button and lights lit up on it and festive music played
I had to laugh as the music continued to play as he tried to discuss serious medical matters
The first thing he asked me was how I had got on with less sleeping tablets
I guess a face that hasn't slept paints a thousand words
I explained how I hadn't slept last night (true)
And how my sleep hadn't been great during the week (false)
So he agreed to keep me on the sleeping tablets
For now

I remarked how he had probably noticed that I am very resistant to coming off any meds
He said he had
How could he not?
He said that people are put on meds in hospital and then never come off them
That would be fine with me because the truth is I am freakin' terrified of coming off any of my meds
Especially the methadone
I'm on it 10 long years now I don't remember life without it
Even this morning, after not having it for 48 hours, I could feel the withdrawal setting in
The dull ache in my bones
The sweats
And that scares the be-Jesus out of
You would think that it would scare me in the direction of wanting to come off it
But it makes me want to stay on it even more

I had an extremely vivid drug using dream last week
It's a recurring dream
In the dream I inject myself
The thought of going back to that life is beyond frightening
I would rather die

Anyway back to the matter at hand
It's Christmas time
A veritable nightmare for an anorectic
And for a bulimic?
Well, it makes for a binge filled holiday week
I am half dreading, half looking forward to Christmas
We also have a family wedding on the 28th so there will be mucho family event, lunches, dinners, drinks etc
If I thought about it too much I would crawl in to my bed with a bottle of vodka and not get up until February

I'm trying to use the skills I learned in hospital to help me through
I'm not going to put pressure on myself
I'm going to do as much or as little as I can
I'll join in
I'll help with Christmas dinner
I'll attend the wedding
But I won't be pushing myself beyond what I feel comfortable doing
It sounds a bit selfish
A bit self serving
But it's the only way I am going to get through the next two weeks

I know that a lot of you are struggling
Especially at this time of year
Just remember to take it easy on yourself
Do as much as you can
No one expects anything more

So Happy Christmas to you!
If you are lonely
If you are sad
If you are so low you can't bear it
If you would rather eat your own foot that celebrate Christmas
If you are eating disordered
If you are underweight, over weight or somewhere in between
If you are questioning if you even have an eating disorder
If you are depressed
If you feel like you can't hold on
If you are asking yourself 'What is the point?'
If you are on your own today
If all you want is a hug from someone who cares
If you are considering disappearing
Hold on!
Find something
And hold on to that
All we have to deal with is right now
The past is gone
Tomorrow might never come
Just worry about you
Right now this second
If you are reading this and are wondering how the hell you are going to get through the next week
Just for a minute
And breathe
You can  get through this
You are stronger than you think
You are more powerful than you think
I promise you

I am far from recovery today
My ED still very active
I still ambivalent about recovery
As messed up as that sounds, it's the truth
But while I was in hospital I got a glimpse of myself with my ED
A fleeting glimpse albeit but it was enough
I feel hope for the first time in a long time
Up until now I truly believed that I would never recover
I had accepted that my ED was always going to be there
And I was ok with that
I have been to treatment numerous times
I have seen countless therapists, counsellors and doctors
Lost and gained a lot of weight
A lot of people gave up on me
I had even given up on me
But now I do see a glimmer of hope
It turns out that I might not be the wretched person I thought I was
It turns out that my personality is still there
It turn out that  maybe I can come back from this
It turns out that I want to live
And if I can then you can too

Please take good care of yourselves
Please know that you are not alone
You are not the only one who feels this way
I promise you

With love,

Ruby x


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Stop blogging babe. It just generates instant reinforcement for all the sick behaviors. When you were in hospital, and away from this blog, was there anything anybody ever commented that you still remembered? Anything with a meaning ever said to you here? (well apart from a million I love yous, which meant – what? Precisely? Helped you in which way? ( I know there are some genuine people here, I know)). And I am not excluding myself from it. This utter meaninglessness. You can stay in touch with the friends you made via other media. But don’t be anyone’s reality tv any longer. That is why most people visit. And don’t let illness remain the main part of your identity. And this blog does support that.

    And if you want to be a writer, even life writing is different from this. And I strongly believe you can be a writer, but as long as you write about ED(hope you liked the article I have send you) and drugs…. You are still sick and still doing reality tv..

    1. sent (typing from phone sry)

    2. I so agree with this. Your life is so much more than this. And as I've told you in the past, I want you to go away and live a totally happy and successful life leaving the blog behind as an afterthought.

      One day I want to stumble upon your name on a book in a store window and think "Wow! She did it!'

      You are stronger than this. You are better than this. You deserve the life I want for you.

  3. Merry Christmas Ruby. I hope you make it through okay. It's not selfish or self-serving to only do what you can, and even if it is, recovery calls for putting yourself first. It makes me smile every time you say that you caught a glimpse of yourself without ED, that you want life and believe you might be able to come back from this. It gives me hope.

    I was actually thinking about you and your meds yesterday. I'm guessing you got back to normal daily dosages in the hospital. Did you notice a difference in how your body functioned, not having the highs and lows throughout the week? I know it's not how things normally work, but would the hospital be able to help reduce your medication in a safe environment when you go back, instead of increasing it? Not to get off them fully, but to help cut them back and build your confidence in being able to get through without so many pills and potions.

    I believe 2014 can bring great things for you. I really do. Baby steps all the way, you'll get there.

  4. I know you can get to that place that ED does not own you Ruby, keep looking for that part of yourself and never give up :)

  5. I heard the other day that recovery has to be selfish, because you're healing yourself, your battling your own mind. You have to essentially overcome yourself. So to do that, you have to be a little self serving, but serve yourself in a good way. I'm sure your family will understand with you just discharged. You mentioned you had the opportunity to go back sometime after the holidays, does that offer still stand? I really hope you have a great Christmas and bring in the new year well. Take care hon, and know that people care and love you. Could I e-mail you about maybe sending a super late Christmas card.?

  6. Peri pointed me to your blog, and i'm very glad she did. This post was extremely, beautifully inspiring. Thankyou for it. It brightened my day, and helped with my post-holiday blues.

    1. Reading about the horrible suffering of this girl brightened up your day. Irritating, to say the least

  7. That reoccurring dream sounds scary. I always dread going to sleep because I am terrified of my dreams. I understand what you're saying about coming off the meds. I am so weary of coming off any of meds. Especially my anxiety meds. I would be a mess. Hope all is well my dear.


Thank you for leaving some love x