Friday, 21 March 2014

I saw Mary yesterday
For the first time since last September
I was nervous to say the least
Walking up the hill to the centre loads of memories came flooding back
The pub I used to go in to to purge
The chemist I used to get my enemas
I was early so I sat in the reception area to wait
This place is like a general health centre so there are lots of comings and goings
I love to people watch so I took a seat at the back for optimal viewing

I saw a woman come in with her two little girls
I man taking selfies of himself and his baby
I heard a woman talking about growing apple trees in her back garden
I could have sat there all day

Mary called me in
We walked down the corridor
It's a long hall
I peeked in to some of the rooms
The were all set up for therapy
Two chairs facing each other
The weighing scales
And the obligatory box of tissues

I sat down with Mary
My anxiety was massive
I could feel myself holding tension in my neck and shoulders
And my face was twitching too

I explained my current situation
That I been in and out of hospital twice in the last 6 months
How I get so far and then I get scared and retreat back in to my eating disorder
We went through that pros and cons of living this way
She asked me what I want to receive from this treatment
I don't want much
I just want to break this viscous cycle that I am in
Establish regular eating without purging
All I want is a life
A place of my own
A circle of friends
A partner
And of course lots of animals
I want piece of mind
To be happy in my own skin
To not hate myself so much
To not have a passive deathwish

I came out of the session feeling motivated
Feeling strong and ready to fight

Mary said that for the moment we concentrate on not losing weight and tackling my behaviours
I know that weight will increase though if I continue this way

All through the session, I was distracted by the black and white scales in the corner
Eventually she asked me to stand on it
I figured that it wouldn't be a true reading as it was mid afternoon and I had a lot of clothes on
Although my weight stayed the exact same

Overall the past week has been better
Since I hit rock bottom two weeks ago, I have tried hard not to give in to my ed
I pushed myself to get out of the house
To meet friends
To take car of myself, my home and my dogs
And it feels good to take responsibility
To be independent
I'm an adult for God's sake
It's time I started acting like one


  1. I am glad you were able to see Mary ... you sound motivated, I like that you are getting out with your friends and doing some things for yourself, that is such a great step. Take care of yourself and don't be hard on yourself if you are not perfect every minute of the day :) Nobody is :)

  2. I'd been wondering if you were still seeing Mary. I'm proud of you for still seeking treatment and working in a positive direction, I really hope it's more appropriate for you than the treatment center was.
    I think it's a very wise goal to first focus on not losing any more weight and minimizing your behaviors. Baby steps. I know it can be scary because it's a path that leads to weight restoration, but I hope that it'll first lead you to a place where you're okay with that and it doesn't send you running back to your ED.
    Keep fighting precious Ruby. Love you xx

  3. Ruby you are strong and can do this! Live life at your pace no one elses.

  4. *Huggles*

    Always here for you, Ruby.

    Remember to be honest with yourself, ok? It's te only way you can catch the spiral and make it stop.

    Look after yourself as much as you can and remember that not all progress is in leaps and bounds. There is no such thing as 'perfect', yeah? (Perfection is the lie that kills us) Baby steps are underrated and get you further the more they pile up. Keep fighting for yourself (Dammit I almost typed 'fuckting' WTF IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN?! -besides the obvious- XD)

    YOU are worth fighting for. You deserve to have all the things you want from life. Since you've never had them before it's going ot be all new and scary uncharted territory, but pretend you're a National geographic photographer going into the wilderness.

    Sorry I'm all incoherent today. SFA sleep lately >.<



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