Monday, 7 April 2014

What keeps you going?

It's Monday again
In one way time seems to go by so slowly
But in another it slips by so fast
I'm home from hospital 8 weeks now
And not a lot has changed

I saw my doctor this morning
Since my 'half hearted overdose' a few weeks ago, he has stopped my sleeping tablets
In all honesty I don't need sleeping tablets
Most of the time I sleep just fine
I used and abused them to escape
To get out of my own head
When I admitted that I had been abusing my meds, my sleeper was stopped immediately

The first thing my doctor said is that my psychiatrist recommended that we work towards coming off my anti anxiety meds
I said nothing
He asked how things are
I said that my sleep is all over the place
He said that sleeping tablets don't work after a month
That we become immune to them
That if I believe that I won't sleep, then I won't
He said that if he gave me a smartie and told me it was a sleeping tablet that I would sleep
He explained that he has elderly patients who have been on sleepers or 30 years and it is a battle to get them off them
'Why can't I battle you?' I asked
'Why can a little old lady win the battle and I can't?
He said he was always going to take me off it
'But you whipped it away' I said
'You manipulated me for weeks to stay on that tablet' he replied
At this point I knew that I was fighting a losing battle
I starting to sound like the junkie I am
'Ok I'll stop digging a hole' I said
He said that he is trying to fix me
That he hasn't given up hope on me
'I have' I replied
It was nice to hear though
I hope he meant it
Because I have all but given up on myself

I've thought a lot this past week about recovery and where I am at
Yes, I am in therapy
Yes, I claim to want to recover
Or at least want to want it
When Mary asks me what I want in life I give the standard answer
But in truth I don't know if I want recovery
I don't know if I can do it
I don't know if I'm strong enough
The thought of weight gain is terrifying
I feel huge as it is and my target weight is 10 - 12 kilos away
My weight at the moment is low but not critical
Part of me wants to dive head first straight in to my eating disorder
Part of me wants to go as low as I can
To stop fighting and let my ed wash over me and engulf me
It's so tempting to just disappear

I need to find a reason to fight
A reason to keep going
At the moment I can't find one

What about you
What keeps you going when you are struggling?


  1. I found your blog from Angharad and thought seeing as I was commenting there I would say hi here as well.

    I wonder...are you bored?
    I would consider myself recovered from bulimia but not from my ED. I'm recovered enough to be "normal" and it's so dull sometimes. I struggle for a distraction and a way to keep my thoughts occupied that was as successful as bulimia and alcohol.

    Honestly, what keeps me going is habit.
    I'm now in the habit of exercising to keep myself sane, eating my snacks, keeping an eye on how much I drink, not raiding the fridge when the mood takes my thoughts there, not cutting, not purging, not skipping meals. It's just habit. I wish I could give you a better answer! Life in recovery can be like switching from living in Eastenders to Countryfile, know what I mean?! :-)

    If you haven't got a reason to fight, keep going doing what you know you should until you find one.
    For sure, you're not going to find one if you press the self destruct button.

    C x

    1. Hi there anon. I think it's interesting about habit. After self destruction being habit every day for so long...I think in recovery it gets to be a habit to keep yourself on track to not go back to that. It has to be a habit in order for it to work. But congrats on that status.

  2. Ahhh Ruby...

    I could say SO MUCH... I could give you advice and ideas and all manner of encouragements, and yet, I find myself in the same place and so to say any of it, would render me a complete hypocrite.

    I don't know how far off my idea weight I am... My BMI is hovering around 14 and I'm just about managing to maintain a weight that allows me to function below par. My problem has always been that I can talk the talk but not walk the walk. Like you, I want recovery, I want a life, I despise the chaos and pain that the illness has wielded over me and used to destroy the bit of life that I once had.
    Like you, I am so torn. Wanting to dive down towards death, and yet still grasping at the threads of life... Somehow.
    You have inspired me to write a blog post with your amazing question!
    Perhaps, in some way, we live to write. To Express... It's like being able to breath better sometimes.

    I'm thinking of you Ruby. I'm praying for a reason.

    Firefly xx

  3. I don't have ED but my whole life is out of control at the moment... I don't even know what to tell you, I understand why you do what you do... it is about being in control when you feel totally out of control. Most people have something ... unfortunately yours is hurting your body the way you do... I know you can get passed this, I know you have what it takes to not just survive but live... you have to know that for yourself... I hope you rely on the strength you have Ruby ...

  4. I found out I'm pregnant on March 24. Since then... it's like... I can't even explain it. Complicated, would be the best adjective. But ultimately I make the right decision. At the end of the day I have to be the one with the clear conscience before God and ANYONE that I did right by this baby. I'm not sure if my body will hang onto it or not, or if IT will hang on. I'm only 7 and a half weeks. I gotta tell you though.... I thought for sure nothing could yank me out of that. "Seven seconds till I hit the ground.." and all that. Then here's this thing the size of a coffee bean that changed it all. Obviously getting pregnant is not the cure-all for eating disorders. My point, however, is that this was something I didn't think could ever change but it has. Maybe not forever, but it's a damn good start. <3 xoxoxo

    1. That's amazing. I understand it's definitely complicated, but congratulations dear. I hope you have the healthiest baby anyone could ask for.

  5. Right now, I really don't know. All I can do is try to make it through each day, one day at a time.
    I'm glad you were honest with your doctor. My mum's like that with sleeping pills. She's been on the same sleepers for close to 20 years now, but she swears they still work and her GP doesn't seem to mind. I don't think she'll ever stop taking them. I threw a bit of a hissyfit years ago when I was taken off my sleepers after several months, because if mum could keep taking them, why can't I? But I have a feeling those little old ladies (and my mum) get to stay on them because don't have a history with or risk of substance abuse like we do.
    Keep holding on Ruby dear. I don't have any answers, but I hope you can find something to hold on to, even if it's the hope of one day being able to look back and say "I'm glad I made it through". Much love <3 xx

  6. When I was in my darkest moments I just kept going to kep going. I've never been one to feel absolutely hopeless about a situation or life or myself and so I just plow through. Ultimately I don't believe things are bad forever and I tried to make myself to see the good in my life. It was really hard at times because things would just go wrong so often. After a while I started to change my attitude because I didn't want to be that way forever. It would be embarrassing to me to be 30 and still a wreck. I wanted a career, confidence, and not to be sad all the time. It took and still takes honesty with myself and will to change but it was better than the alternative. I have school, two jobs, good friends, supportive family members, and a place to live and enough money to pay the bills so how bad can it be? That's what kept me going. Wanting more out of myself and life. I hope you find something Ruby. Keep going.

  7. I don't know.

    I really don't know any more.


Thank you for leaving some love x