I spent some time with a good friend of mine yesterday
After cancelling on her numerous times over the past few weeks, I finally managed to call in to her
I'm not quite sure why these things are such a big deal for me
I know it has a lot to do with anxiety
And throw in zero confidence and every little thing is a struggle
And the thing is, I know if I push myself to do these things, I will really enjoy them
It's just the anxiety before hand that gets me everytime
I guess I feel that I am really out of practise socially
I spend a lot of time on my own and any type of social event scares the be-Jesus out of me
What is the anxiety about?
Well....
I'm afraid I won't know what to say
I'm afraid people won't like or accept me
I'm afraid I'll do or say something stupid
I'm afraid that once people get to know me and they see how crazy I am, they will run in the opposite direction
I could go on and on
Anyway
I called in to my friend early
It was so good to see her
To sit down with a cuppa and a smoke and have a really good chat
I always forget how much I enjoy this
My friend also has an eating disorder and an addiction past so she completely gets me
Listening to her talk I can see how far she has come on her own journey
She has gained so much wisdom and insight
It's such a joy to listen to her speak
Don't get me wrong here, everything in her life is not perfect
Not at all
She still struggles with food and other issues
But she is in recovery
It shines out of her
Like I used to, she attends meetings, AA and NA
She works the 12 Step programme
And it really is working for her
She is doing a course
She is now seeing a lovely guy
She is living her life on her terms
I used to go to meetings
I was at my best then recovery wise
But I haven't been to a meeting in about 2 years
I really want to go back
I know how much it would help me
If I could just get my eating disordered ass out the front door then I might have a fighting chance
When I got home my friend and her boyfriend texted me
They said that they would come and pick me up Friday night and bring me to a meeting
I accepted the invitation
But now I am terrified
My anxiety is having a field day
My ed is telling me I am too fat to go anywhere
My addiction and my ed have joined forces trying to stop me from going
Because they know that if I go I will be that much stronger and they will be weaker
I know the next couple of days will be tough as my brain pings around like a pinball
Will I go?
Will I not go?
Will I go?
Yes
On second thoughts, no I won't
Will I go?
I should go
I want to go
Then I will go
Or maybe not
What if they don't like me?
What if I talk absolute shite
What if.........
I've thought a lot about people not liking other people
When I was treatment there was a lady who I will call M
She was 55 years old and on the eating disorder programme with me
She was the type of person who said exactly what she thought
She said many things to me over the time I was there
She once told me that I looked really old
Her and I had many run ins and arguments and disagreements over the weeks
But you know what?
Despite all these differences I still really liked her and was quite fond of her
Even though she could be moody
Even though when I was leaving she told me that she would keep in touch with 'short texts only'
Even though she was mean sometimes
I still considered her a friend and had a lot of time for her
All this taught me that it really does take a lot for someone to dislike someone
I know it takes a lot for me to really not like someone
Sure you might not get on with someone too well
Or you may not agree with everything they say
But to really not like or even hate someone is rare enough
And if it happens
If someone decides that they don't like me
That's ok
It's not the end of the world
I'm not going to crumble because a certain person doesn't care for me
It's my insecurity
I want to be liked
I want to fit in and belong
I want to know that I am a good person
So I wanted to ask you how you deal with anxiety
How do you manage to live your life without giving in to it?
But what, sweet Ruby, if you could feel all of your (old and recently added) readers would cheer for you. To give yourself a fighting chance whilest going to such a meeting. Just because you're worth it, but also, because you give value to other people's lives.
ReplyDeleteYou might not see it, I didn't read it in your little list of accomplishments @ your blog of 2 years aniversary. But you also have a positive influence on other people's lives. It might just be that you don't support pro ana. It might be your honesty. Your kind words. Or that you take the time to write back, if someone leaves a comment here...
Besides that, you ask a question. On bad anxiety days I dare not leave my house during daylight. Afraid of confronting the world with myself. My therapy is in a city which takes me almost an hour to reach (I don't drive) so if I feel all the panic and anxiety on therapy day, it's also the idea of having to be out there in the world for such a long time that freaks me out. My honest answer is I don't know much better than you how to cope. I usually go, at the last possible moment, sometimes even taking my Bear with me because I just don't dare to go by myself. (the shame)
And at other occasions, like more social activities, I back out. I cancel. It's just too hard..
But still, I hope your friends taking you to a meeting will make a difference for you. And maybe, the knowledge that we'll be crossing our fingers for you, and the fact that I really think you being there can make a difference for other people, will help you in taking an chance. It'll be a challenge, but I think worthwhile..
(sorry for misspelling a lot of words... I'm tired and... well you know)
love from Holland again
Hello and thank you for this lovely comment
ReplyDeleteAnxiety really can take over our lives
I can completely relate to the fear of being out in the world for too long
When I am out I am always counting the minutes until I can go back home
And like you I am always cancelling
I do feel positive this week though and a little bit stronger
I think I will make it to the meeting tomorrow with the help of my friends
Thanks for this, it really helped me today
Lots of love from Ireland x
Anxiety....yeesh....super powerful. Imagine if our cars ran on anxiety...oooh!
ReplyDeleteI was asked one time what mattered about or what it changed if someone didn't like me. Nothing. I mean really, I couldn't answer because it didn't change anything. If I cared about that person it sucked but if it was someone I had to be around professionally or in passing then it didn't actually mean anything because I wasn't spending any time with that person. To be fair there are plenty of people I don't even like. It's not because their awful or anything, it's just because their personalities don't go with mine and their goals don't align with mine. That's how you have to approach it. You have interests, strengths, and limitations that you need to explore and embrace. My best friend told me that people are not a finite resource one day when I was crying and she was right. Sure, I really wanted this person to find worth in me, but if my worth was described by a fickle person then that was pretty sad. Don't worry about them. I know it's easier said than done but if you practice, you'll learn freedom and it's an amazing feeling, learning to find comfort in yourself. Ask yourself what is important to you and what kind of people do you want to be around?
ReplyDeleteLots of love Ruby.
Ugh, social anxiety blows!
ReplyDeleteIf you're going to see people you know and like, the anticipation is always worse than the actual doing. Practice with good mates first?
Love you <3
Hi there, I can totally relate to you about meeting new people. Every single thing you wrote about what you are afraid of is exactly what is on my mind. I also struggle to commit to any social engagement even though I know I would enjoy it, I'm just use to being alone most of the time that's why it has become such a stretch for me to be around a lot of people. Anyway to answer your question about anxiety, I usually just take long deep breaths when I'm starting to be anxious, right now I'm researching on more ways to manage it which is how I got here. About your second question, I guess I'm just lucky enough to have people that I know are genuinely concerned about me and would support me no matter what.
ReplyDeleteI'm wishing you all the best!
- Abby