Sunday, 29 June 2014


The setback continues
God forgive me I've had a pretty miserable couple of days
It's only now when our visitors have gone that I can breath out and let myself not be ok
I've painted a smile on my face all weekend
I didn't have a meltdown when my brother told me that gained a 'little bit of weight'
Granted I asked for that
I played the part of the good little recovering anorectic
But today I just felt so weary
I declined to go to the beach with my family
I just needed some time to myself
To figure out what it is I am going through right now

In hindsight maybe I should have gone out
I binged and purged many times
I didn't even want the food
I just wanted the relief of the purge
I wanted to feel empty
In body and mind
In an effort to put the brakes on, I brought my dogs for a walk
But I had to turn back as I could feel my blood sugar dropping
That old familiar feeling
Why does everything taste better when your blood sugar is in the toilet?

And then to add insult to injury I decided to weigh myself
Because I am a glutton for punishment
I'm not even supposed to have a scale
But where there's a will......
I gained another 2kg
I felt nothing as I stared at the number
I knew I felt bigger
Now I have almost crossed the threshold from underweight to a normal weight
2kg is nothing when you are severely underweight
But now it seems like a massive amount
I don't like it
I don't like it one bit
I had almost got used to my new shape
I almost liked it
But now I am expanding in every direction
I don't want to gain more
I can't handle that
Everything is upside down
And topsy turvy
The way I am feeling right now recovery can do one
The way I am feeling right now I am planning diets and fasts in my head
The way I feel right now I am a failure and a fuck up
The way I feel right now is unstable, afraid and disgusting

I need to get my food sorted
I am living off a diet of salt and vinegar crisps and white chocolate
I don't eat proper food
Because if I eat I eat proper food I can't have my crisps and chocolate and I want my crisps and chocolate
They win every time

I feel so confused
So torn between wanting to be well and wanting to fall head first down the rabbit hole
The thought of restricting is both thrilling and terrifying
I know that just as easy as I gain the weight
I can lose it all too
How attractive that option seems right now

I was also massively triggered today
I read a post about someone who had lost weight and all of a sudden I wanted to too
It's the first time I've been triggered in a while and it pretty much floored me

Have I been in the 'pink cloud' of recovery this whole time?
Have I just come down to reality
Is this what recovery is really like?
I just don't know any more

I digress
Here is me in my pjs tonight
You see?
I have gained weight


  1. stop this babe. please. i will be ok, i promise. stop. this is a feeling and all of this will level out. stop what you are doing right now. This is self harm. Email me if you feel like chatting. I'll send you a few lines, right now.

    1. Oh Lilly my head is up my ass right now
      I feel so confused
      HELP!!!! X

    2. head out of ruby's a**
      emailed you. i ll stay online


  2. distract. dogs. a walk. cigarettes (omg me saying THAT!), music. dance in your room (i do this, very embarassing to admit) kick against walls. run. breathe the night air, by the sea. NO narcotics. More music. you are beautiful, dont quit, the miracle requires still a few more minutes...


    1. Thanks Lilly
      It's Monday now and I am feeling bit better
      Will email you soon x

  3. shush darling.
    i'm sorry to hear you have b/ped.
    i cannot see any weight gain on you.
    and the thing is with recovery, a lot of recovering anorectics do generally have to go back to the weight they were.
    i'm not one to talk about it. i am not an anorectic.
    i think this is just a reaction from being told you 'gained a little bit of weight'. it's like the ED reacted faster than you could and whatever happened happened. then afterwards, you're left with your thoughts.
    it is impulse. you are not aware of what you are doing until you have done it sort of impulse.
    there will always be setbacks.
    you are thinking more clearly now i hope.
    i would like to say more but i cannot say a lot of things without being hypocritical. and i don't want to be too hypocritical.

    -Sam Lupin

    1. That's it Sam
      My ED did react quicker than I could
      I had a pretty shit weekend but it's Monday now and I feel a bit better
      Thanks Sam x

  4. This reminds me of my daughter. She has anxiety issues which sometimes leave her completely out of control.

    She can hold herself together during the most stressful times but the moment she is alone with her dad and I she totally loses it.

    Its hard work behaving happy and 'normal' when you just don't feel it. I am sure upu had great times with your family but I can imagine it was tough being on all the time. You are using your ED to try and soothe yourself. But the thing is, you know you are better than that. You know there are healthier ways to calm yourself and feel safe and sound.

    Please be strong. You have come so far and every day brings hope of bigger and better.

    1. Thanks JJ
      I don't have a lot of words today
      But thank you x

  5. hej sweety,

    But this is also part of the road. You can't have a great mindfull supercallifractic day ....évery single day...
    Then we would think you were bipolair and having a manic episode or that you were doing something else scary again and that you were on a constant rush....

    You're still the same Ruby, battling with a few problems. The ED isn't gone in a few days, and won't be for long. Recovering doesn't mean: totally gone in one minute' . It means work, it means fighting, it means continues struggle.

    And it means that you have to stop yourself from falling further. It means that you have to 'get your shit together' asap and make this little relapse no more than that. YOU have to do that, and you can. Cause you know that you want a different life and you know that days of fasting or binging and purging will break you down in no-time.
    You cán do this, Ruby... you really can.

    And I am sorry but I still cannot see a difference in you're pictures, weightwise. I could see a more sparkling Ruby in the ones where you showed the dresses, but I still see a person my age with the body of a teenager, I just can't see....
    You look better, to me means, honestly that your eyes shine a little bit and you look less like you could die any day now...
    Sorry for my bluntness but I just can't see, and now I am not polite...

    love from Holland,


    1. Hey A,

      You are right this is a setback
      A slip
      And I have to make sure that it doesn't turn in to a relapse

      Thank you for your support
      I don't have many words today x

  6. I'm with A on this one, don't let it be more than a "bad day" honey.
    Today is Monday, get your meds and don't abuse them. This is just another urge, like the shoplifting. You're self sabotaging because it's a habit that we do.

    Do you want to talk about it? I could email you.

    Cee x

    1. Thanks Cee

      Just emailed you back x

    2. I think that's C not me (Cee). I haven't ever emailed you.
      But I hated to see you in so much distress in this post which is why I offered to email you.

      I'm sorry Ruby. I'm sorry I'm being such an awkward fool.
      I just can not face the risk of being found out. There are two people in my life who know about my issues, my two best friends.
      I can't face anyone else knowing. I hope you understand.

      Cee x

  7. I'm so sorry you're having a bad time Ruby! I don't know much about shoplifting or binging/purging but I know about impulsivity, which I think both of those fall under - succumbing to that mad rush. I think sometimes impulsive self-destruction makes us feel secure in a paradoxical way. When we are unsure about the path we're taking and everything around is changing in scary ways the self-destruct path is so clear, well-defined, vivid compared to the misty, uneven path of recovery. Apologies for the random metaphors - it's just how I make sense of it. All I'm saying is anorexics, addicts, depressives etc. do self-destruct very well. Self-destruction puts you in control for those brief moments, those moments give you a high in one form or another and highs are addictive.
    I'd just say take everyday one at a time - treat everyday as a new beginning. There's no harm in trying to start everyday with the best of intentions even if it doesn't quite work out the way we hoped - it'll pay off eventually!! Sending my love, respect and hope for you, Amy xx

    1. Thanks Amy
      You make a lot of sense
      In fact you make perfect sense

      Thank you for this x

  8. I feel SO guilty beyond words Ruby that I've triggered you. Don't listen to ED, and I know that's hypocritical of me, but you're doing so incredibly well, try not to let ED drag you back down again. You deserve so much more than the hell it's put you through. Your'e still teeny tiny, don't let a 2kg number define your worth. I love you loads, and if there's anything I can do to help, I'm here for you. I still feel so so bad, I'm so sorry :( ((((hugs)))) xxx


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