Friday, 29 August 2014

March - August

These photos were taken in March
Just after I came home from treatment
I remember taking them
I looked at them and came to the conclusion that I was indeed fat
I could hardly bear to look at them
But now when I look at them
I can see how underweight I was
I can see how frail and pale and lifeless I was
It's scary to think that I have put on over 15kg since then
I wonder where I have put it all
Because I am still a size 8

My body image has improved in recent months
But I still have days when I look in the mirror
And hate what I see
I still have days when I trying  on clothes endless amounts of time
Because I can't find anything that doesn't make me look fat
It took me quite a few months to get used to this body
And it's ok
It's ok
I'm ok
Just the way I am

As I've said before
I compare my size a lot to others
And I have been comparing myself to my sister
She is a size 12 (UK)
To my eating disordered eyes
We are pretty much the same size
But to my sister
She looks bigger
And my mother
I think she is so tiny
But when she tries on my clothes
They are too small for her
This is very confusing
Because I can't trust my own eyes
My own judgement about what size I am

I am so tempted to weigh myself
I know what weight my sister is
So if I work my own weight out from that
I have an idea of what I weigh
But I could be way off
Something is stopping me from weighing
So I'm not going to

I've re-gained the weight quite quickly
I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing
It's done now
And I am managing to live my life in my new body

I don't have any up to date photos of myself
As I have lost my camera charger
So I have no camera
But here are some from London


  1. It's wonderful to know that your frame of mind has really shifted in regards to how you view your body. It may never be "true" or "realistic" but your statement that you see how thin and underweight you were when you were discharged is a huge, healthy change in mindset. Bravo, miss. You are certainly getting healthier by the day in many aspects.

    Also, I keep forgetting to congratulate you on your smoking cessation. Cold turkey is insanely difficult, and as a person that works in public health and sees people desperate to quit and how hard nicotine withdrawal can be - I am so impressed. I hope you are able to keep it up. I believe you can, but don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. I bet there are some kind of public resources for smoking cessation in Ireland, or at least your doctor would be able to give you a smoking cessation aid if you ultimately needed it.

    You are so brave, Miss Ruby! And I am so proud of you, as always.

  2. So very proud of you...
    For still trying, for challenging your thoughts..

    I'm sorry for not repplying so much, I want to .. but... you know...

    I do think about you a lot...



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