Sunday, 31 August 2014

Time for action

I had a bit of a meltdown after my last post
Convinced that I had gained a substantial amount of weight in the last 3 days
I tried on all my clothes
And came to the conclusion that I was indeed fat
I decided to take drastic measures
And decided to do a fast
A water fast no less
I was feeling quite manic and stressed
And generally that I had no control over my food and my weight
My sister sat me down and gave me  a good talking to
This is why I love my sister
She is honest with me
Even when it's hard to hear
And as you know
I really appreciate honesty
She told me in no uncertain terms that a fast was a ridiculous idea for someone with an ED
She even said 'That is your anorexia talking'
Gosh she has been listening and reading
Then she told me that I was eating far too much chocolate
We then worked out that I was eating 2000kcals a day in CHOCOLATE ALONE!!
I knew I was eating a lot
But I had blocked out the actual amount
So that was a shock to say the least

We had a very honest talk
I told her that I don't keep down every thing that I eat
And that I really want to get my diet under control
We decided that tomorrow we are going to make a meal plan
We're going to work out the calories
And for the moment I am going to cut out crisps and chocolate
Not forever
Just until I feel I can manage it
I am also going to eat at the table
And with others
No eating in the living room
No eating in front of the tv
No eating in between meals
I need these rules
I need the structure
Because at the moment there are no rules
I am all over the place
And it is driving me up the freakin' wall people!!

I don't want to use my ED to get my food under control
I don't want to be bony and skinny
I don't want to be unhealthy
I want to be fit
I want to be strong
I don't want to be that weak and listless person I was for so many years
If I am honest
Then yes, I do want to lose a little bit of weight
But I know that is dodgy territory
So I am hoping that if I look after my diet
Then my weight will look after itself

So for dinner tonight
We made vegetarian chilli
With kidney beans and black beans
I ate a small bowl
I felt really full after
But my sister had worked out the calories and it was under 200
So that eased my mind
I managed not to purge
That is the first meal I have not purged in ages
Now I just need to carry on like this

I need to do this
I need to take control of my life
And that starts with my food
As my sister said
I have given up heroin
I have given up the smokes
I can do this
It's time to take action
To reclaim my body
And be the best person that I can be

Thank you to everyone who commented and made suggestions on my last post
Thank you for your understanding
And your honesty
Your words are appreciated so much


  1. OMG I am at the same point, a few weeks ago I managed to somehow stop purging (been bulimic for a couple of years) and I lost all control in eating..mainly eating junk food A LOT, and I have gained a few kilos..about 6 or 7 probably more ( in just 5-6 weeks, but I dont weigh myself anymore) which is so terrifying that a few days ago I slipped and had 2 horrible days of b/p episodes...
    The worst thing for me is that I am alone in this, no one knows about my ED so I have to deal with it alone, but I managed to stop it again and realize that no weight can be as bad as that horrible feeling of shaking, feeling so empty after purging that it feels hard to breath or even sit....

    My weight somehow stabilized and once I realized that eating too much of sweets wont get me anywhere I am working hard everyday to get it under control...what I want to say is, once you cut out the bad food or cut it to a decent amount everyday you can again enjoy all the other food and feel good eating it and KNOW you wont get fat but just be normal like everyone else is...

    The main problem for bulimics is to find a balance between not eating and binging, a meal plan is the best way to solve that...and of course it takes time but I am optimistic that with a strong will we can go back to at least be a little "normal" again... :)


    1. That's exactly it Emi
      Finding the balance between restricting and binging
      It's so hard
      And that is what I am trying so hard to do
      With me it's all or nothing
      Black or white
      There is no in between

      Thank you for commenting
      I'm glad to know that I am not the only one going through this

      Take care
      And I wish you all the best with your recovery x

  2. I am so glad that you have someone in your life like your sister. She sounds so awesome and understanding. The plan you have set in place is great. Eating when it's meal time and with others is probably one of the best things you can do. It helps others hold you accountable, and you hold yourself accountable. You are not fat, by any stretch of the imagination. You can do this sweetie, I know you can.

    1. I am blessed Katie
      i really am
      We are both a bit nuts
      We get each other
      We laugh all the time
      I missed her a lot when she was living away

      Thanks for your support Katie
      It means a lot x

  3. I am going to play devils advocate here and this is in no way a criticism. Not purging after your 'meal' was a huge achievement but 200 calories for a meal is not enough. When I was in IP my snacks were 250 alone. Even if you were planning to have 6 small meals of this size throughout the day you would be significantly under eating and you have already said you plan to stick to meal times and not snack in between. If you continue to eat like this you will lose weight and i would hate for that to happen and trigger your ED more. I know how hard it is not to purge after eating so you did really well but just be mindful that it is not enough.
    Much love x

    1. I know
      I know that I am erring on the side the caution
      It's so hard to find a balance
      And I know I need to be careful not to slip back in to my anorectic ways
      It;s just to tricky

      But thanks for your concern and love

      Love to you too x

  4. So proud,,,
    Every little step, you know....


  5. I noticed I ate junk food a lot more when I was in my ED and when I was in the very early stages of recovery. I think it's because it's fast calories you know? It's a quick source of energy and your body is like, feed meeeee! Some of it is a habit too. I loved your post about breakfast. There were similar feelings when it became a regular thing for me as well. Protein is your friend. It actually uses calories just processing it. Carbs like rice are your friend. Veggies and a serving of fruit. You're on the right track and I'm really proud of you. You're going to get to the point where you weigh yourself and where you might have been absolutely horrified, you now shrug your shoulders and say, whatever. I'm 5 feet 7 inches (170.18 cm) and 155 pounds (70 kg). I feel sexier and than I have ever felt in my entire life, even compared to my lowest ED weight. There's energy, there's curves, it's great! I told myself that 155 was too much and now I think, meh, I look fine and even feel pride at some of my attributes. Pretty soon you'll be there too. Proud of you. Keep it up! Keep leaning on the people you can trust to give it to you straight and love/support you through this.

    1. I'm trying really hard to accept and love my body
      I have curves too
      And boobs
      And hips
      And I kind of don't know how to deal with them
      Having boobs is totally new to me
      I have always been pretty flat chested
      I feel a bit awkward and uncomfortable
      But I am trying
      I really am

      Thanks for the support Eve, you are an inspiration x

  6. Everyone should have a sister like yours.

    And yes, baby steps are better than backward steps.

    1. They really should CP

      Yes that is my mantra!
      Baby steps all the way! x

  7. Whenever I get cravings for chocolate, I'd eat some of my homemade ice cream(frozen fruit puréed in a blender with almond milk and honey, stuck in the fridge for 4hrs) Worked like magic! :) not buying it also helps
    Chewing your food 20-30 times is another trick I learnt to curb craving- chocolate tastes weird after being chewed that much!


Thank you for leaving some love x