Sunday, 28 September 2014

For you, yes you!

So you know that I have been tentatively dipping my toe in to recovery
(Kind of, sometimes, maybe, a little bit, sort of)
No I have
I really have been trying
You know that my mood has greatly improved
Praise the Lord!
You know that I have re-gained some weight
Like I would let you forget that little nugget of information
You know that my sister is home
And is a massive support to me
You know that my purging has dramatically decreased
That I am now living life a lot more
Rather than living a half life
You know my methadone is being reduced
With a view to being completely off it within a year
You know that my anxiety has lessened too
That I am in quite a good place
And my out look is positive
You know all this

But it wasn't that long ago that I was in a living hell
It wasn't that long ago that I felt like I was losing my mind as well as losing weight
I was in treatment this time last year
My outlook was bleak
My body was weak
M y resolve was non existent
I had very little hope
Zero faith
No belief that I could ever get better
I don't let myself forget that feeling
Because I know that I could be back there in a New York minute
I know that all the while I am trying to recover
My ED is doing press ups
Getting stronger and stronger
Waiting to snap  me back up
I know that it's there just waiting until I have a weak moment
I have a healthy amount of fear
It keeps me from becoming complacent
From taking this life for granted

I am not recovered
Hell I don't even know if I am in recovery
All I know is that things are a hell of a lot better than they were
I know I have a long way to go
But I've taken the first step

I know that there are so many of you out there that are in this hell right now
I know that many of you reading have all but given up
Feel battered and bruised by your ED
Stuck in deaths waiting room
I want you to know that this post is for you
For all the girls and guys that are suffering
Over exercising
Self medicating
Self abusing
For those that are new to this illness
Or have been suffering for a life time
For those that are trying to recover
For those who don't want to recover
For those who have lost all hope
And faith
And belief
For those whose confidence is shattered
Whose self esteem has been stamped out
For those who are depressed
In danger
For those thinking about going in to treatment for the first time
For those who are in treatment right now
And those who have just left for the umpteenth time
For those whose health is failing
Whose hair is falling out
Whose teeth are rotten
Whose skin is grey and papery
Whose body is weak and malnourished
Whose hair is lank
For those who are emaciated
And everything in between
This post is for you

For those of you who have never told a soul about your pain
Who wear a smile every day
And never let their hearts break in public
For those who look healthy on the outside
But whose soul is crushed on the inside
For those of you are just about holding it together
Who feel like they could snap at any moment
For those of you who are truly alone
And don't have any one to hug
Or hold
To talk to
To be told it's going to be alright
For those of you who have cheated death
And cursed because of it
For those of you who are thinking of disappearing
Because you can't find even one reason to stay around
This post is for you

For those of you who have been put down
Forgotten about
For those of you who can't cry
Can't laugh
Can't feel
For those of you who are not sick enough to qualify for help
Or those who are too sick
For those of you who cried yourself to sleep last night
And hate to wake up in the morning
For those of you who have a passive death wish
Who welcome their demise
For those of you who can't stand to look at themselves in the mirror
Who hate their own bodies
And want to shrink until there is nothing but bone
This post is for you

This post is for you
If you believe that recovery is not possible
If you believe that you are not strong enough
If you believe that happiness or even contentment is not possible
If you have been beaten up by life
Screwed over by the people that you love
For those of you who are too trusting
Too kind
Too sensitive
For those who get up every day and face the world
Who hold down jobs
Run a house hold
Look after children
For those that put everyone before themselves
And never get around to taking care of themselves
This post is for you

Because you are brave beyond belief
Because you keep going
Because you deserve to be told that you are ok just the way you are
Because you are a strong woman/man
Because you are unique
Because you matter
Because you are here for a reason
Because every day you don't give up, you grow even stronger
Because you are loved
Because you deserve to be loved
Because it's going to be alright
Because you deserve to be happy and healthy

This post is for you


  1. thanks hun. but keep getting better, yourself, don't break my heart, ok?


  2. You are so awesome, Ruby.
    I know what you mean about your ED getting stronger just to snap you back in.
    I know what you mean about kinda, sorta being in recovery.
    This post is so relatable and I am so happy you made it.
    <3 XOXO

  3. This is BEAUTIFULLY written Ruby. You have such talent and such passion.
    Sending a hug your way, stranger or not!

    FF x

  4. thanks Ruby, for always thinking of other people even when things are not so easy for yourself. small person, big heart. jo xx

  5. you are the sweetest person in the world.
    and posts like this make me want to cry out in amazement because it's amazing how much people truly care when you let them care.
    <3 thank you, honey bunny.

    -Sam Lupin

  6. Recovery is a journey just as life is Ruby.

  7. This is so beautiful Ruby. You are so skilled at writing, you and Sammy both.
    I don't have an eating disorder - I believe I don't. But I can relate.
    Have a nice day :)



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