Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Hi.I'm Ruby. I'm recovering from an eating disorder

I'm Ruby
I'm recovering from an eating disorder
A lot of the time
I am confused about what it happening
Please be patient with me
Please understand that this is all new to me
And I am doing the best I can
To stay as well as I can

I'm Ruby
I'm recovering from an eating disorder
I struggle with body image every day
Some mornings I try on every item of clothing in my wardrobe
And can't find a thing that I look nice in
This body is new and unfamiliar
Please forgive me if I ask for constant reassurance
It's something that I really need to hear
As I can't trust my own eyes
Or my own judgment

I'm recovering from an eating disorder
Some days I just don't want to get out of bed
Some days I can't find a reason to go on
Some days I just want to disappear
Please be patient with me if I am struggling
Please give me a hug and tell me that everything will be alright
I need to hear that sometimes

I'm Ruby
I'm recovering from an eating disorder
I'm starting a new phase of my
It's new
It's scary
It's unfamiliar
A lot of the time it's like feeling your way in the dark
Forgive me if I am short
Or cranky
Or snappy
Sometimes it all gets too much
And I am trying my best

I'm Ruby
I'm recovering from an eating disorder
Food is still a bit of a minefield
I'm trying not to categorize food
I'm trying not to label it safe or unsafe
I'm trying to eat like a normal person
Please give me time to adjust
I will get there

I'm Ruby
I'm recovering from an eating disorder
I know you want to acknowledge how far I have come
I know you want to celebrate that
And give me a compliment
But please don't make too many comments about my weight
Or draw attention to my body
I'm self conscious enough as it is

I'm Ruby
I'm recovering from an eating disorder
There is a lot of change happening right now
Everything is changing
From my weight
To my mood
To my thinking
Please be patient with me during this transition
It's all new to me too
I just need support and love
And many many hugs

I'm Ruby
I'm recovering from an eating disorder
Sometimes  I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing
Sometimes I miss my ED
I miss the comfort
And safety of it
But I know that  that is just an illusion
I know there is nothing safe or comfortable about it
I know that my ED wants me dead
And wants me miserable while it's doing it
Please understand that sometimes I feel torn
Sometimes I need to be reminded why I am doing this
I need the reassurance
Please be kind and gentle
And tell me that I am doing the right thing

I'm Ruby
I'm recovering from an eating disorder
Some days are harder than others
Some days I slip
And fall
And mess up
I'm not perfect
So please understand that there will be days like this
And help me to get back on track

I'm Ruby
I'm recovering from an eating disorder
I'm doing the best I can
To be the best person that I can
I am learning how to live
How to cope
How to manage
I am learning new ways of dealing
New ways of surviving
New ways to manage pain and fear and anxiety
Give me time
I will get there
In the mean time
Be patient
Be forgiving
Be kind
I need to hear that I am doing ok
And that everything will be fine

I'm Ruby
I'm recovering from an eating disorder
I need your support now more than ever
Even if I tell you that I don't
Please just be there
To listen
To hug
To laugh to cry
What I am doing is not easy
But it's easier if you stand beside me


  1. Hej Ruby :-)




    1. Oh you have pinterest?
      Just checked it out

      Love it! x

  2. honey this really touched me.
    you are a very moving person.
    this entire post made my heart swell up with emotion - some good, some bad.
    hi, Ruby, i'm Sam. i'm also recovering from an eating disorder. <3
    stay strong, lovely.
    you are worth more than a number. always remember that. you are meat, bone, blood and all in between, and running through all of that is a million metabolic processes that we all take for granted. it will take me 5 years of medical school to get the most shallow understanding of the human body. but actual medicine? takes about 12-16 years, in one field. that's amazing. that's just focusing on one aspect of the body.
    we are such amazing organisms.
    you are such an amazing person. <3

    -Sam Lupin

    1. I don't know about that
      But thank you Sam
      You are truly amazing too x

  3. Hey, I am Lilly. I look like everything is fantastic. Sometimes this is all I have, all that keeps me sane. My Ivys, my Victoria secret show - tortured - body, my hair, my smile, everything looks like I have been lucky. The hardest work is to look as if everything is fantastic. I have been to a war, or two or three. My parents are dead, my scars are covered, my limbs replaced. I help everyone just to forget about myself until I am drained and need to hide, to regain strength for a while. People tell me "you are so strong", people like to call others strong, so that they do not have to bother, so that they can be weak themselves and keep wanting, draining. Truth is, most people do not bother no matter how strong or weak you are. I am not strong. I want to hide, cry, I want a hug. I want someone to feel that I have been to a war or two or three, to acknowledge that just because I do not show (which has became obsessive compulsive and out of my control) I have still been to a war, or two or three. Sometimes being able not to show is all I have.

    I am Lilly, I am fragile and tired, I need a hug, someone to look after me, I need parents, a family, I need to know that I will not end up on the streets in case I break. I am Lilly and I just want someone to see that despite beating my Ed, I am so f'n weak sometimes and could just cry and sleep. And stop. Moving working striving being there. I am Lilly and I wish someone would see. I have been to a war. I am a survivor. (and yes, i know you will tell me I am full of myself or I am a spoiled brat or I am at an Ivy Uni or I do not know what I am talking about) I do. Believe me, I have been to a war. Or two, or three. And I am scarred for life, it is as if have got a limp, but learned to hide it when I walk. I do not want pity, i want hug. I am Lilly and my greatest gift i have ever been given is not my education or a body or a smile or whatever... my greatest gift is that I still believe this life is the most wonderful there is. I am Lilly, I have beaten my ED all by myself and I wish I could ask for help, at least sometimes. I wish if i did people would hear me or even, believe me.

    1. Hi, I'm also Lilli. We hear you. We read your words. We believe you. If you feel like you have to put yourself "on" every day in the real world, feel comfort here. It may just be a series of bloggers that follow each other and words on a screen, but we really are a community here. You've come far hon, you can do it, but when you can't, we're here.

    2. Lilly this was so raw
      So real
      I feel like you bared your soul here
      You have been through a war or two or three
      You haven been through so much for one person to deal with
      I know it's exhausting to keep the 'I'm Fine' show on the road
      I know it's draining and life sucking
      But I echo what the other Lilly said
      You can be yourself here
      You can
      And you won't be judged
      You are too lovely a person to suffer like this Lilly
      You have shown me so much love as a friend
      And I just want to do the same for you
      I wish that I could envelop you in a hug right now
      A hug that lasts forever

      Will email you soon hun,

      Keep hanging in there x

    3. you are so precious Ruby darling sososososo precious!

  4. So well said Ruby. Recovery takes time. You are doing all the right things. Virtual hugs to you from across the pond!

  5. Ruby,

    When I read this, I thought that I really could relate on so many levels. I've had these thoughts a lot recently and I myself, as I said before, am in recovery for about a year and a half now. I know that in time we will all be recovered. With hard work and determination we will come out alive.

    Much love to you!


  6. Very well written. I've thought so many of these things. People can be so all or nothing about someone's recovery. My parents were not understanding about supporting me without making judgments or criticizing. Recovery is a process. It's making more good choices than bad and making choices you never would before. Hang in there. You are doing so much hard work.


Thank you for leaving some love x