Thursday, 18 September 2014


I was in the hospital this morning with my sister
As she had to have some tests done
It was very strange being back there
The last time I was there was when I had pancreatitis
In March of last year
And before that I was in there in 2007 for 3 weeks with my ED
At the lowest weight I have ever been

The smell of antiseptic and sickness hit me as I walked in the door
I saw the shop on my left where I used to magazines
The toilets where I used to go to purge
The smoking area where I chain smoked cigarettes
I saw faces that looked familiar
The church where my mother brought me to mass
I wasn't allowed walk
And had to be pushed in a wheel chair
I remember hating that
But they wouldn't let me go anywhere without it

Back in 2007 I was eating very little
And I was working too
I was running on adrenaline
As my body was getting very little fuel
I had been feeling so weak and dizzy
That my mother insisted that we go in to A&E
I didn't put a fight
I didn't have the energy

My memories are very foggy from that hospital stay
I remember in A&E the nurses were so so nice to me
One in particular was so kind
I'll never forget her
I was worried that they would send me home
And tell me that nothing was wrong
But they took my case very seriously
I learned later that a girl had died from anorexia some weeks previous
So I guess they were being super cautious with me

After a long day in casualty on a drip
I was brought up to a ward
Where I was weighed
Afterwards I heard the nurses talking
'My God, she only weighs xxkg'
I myself had no idea of how thin I was
But my Dad told me recently that I looked like a 'bag of bones' around that time

The next day I was given a room of my own
This was a bad idea for me
But great for my ED
I ate my food
But I purged every bit of it
I also plagued the poor staff for meds
Namely sleeping tablets
I had no intention of playing along with them to get well
I was just there for a rest

That hospital stay lasted about a week
And I left no better
I was back in within weeks
This time they did things a lot different
They put me in a high observation ward
So they could keep an eye on me
And also had a care worker sit with me most of the day
This made maintaining my ED a lot more difficult
But I was very creative
And still managed to get away with a lot
Like hiding my food
Or pretending I had drank my Ensures
When really I had tipped them down the sink
I was weighed every second day
My weight continued to drop

In hospital I spent my days reading, writing and sleeping
I hated getting visitors as I just didn't have the energy to talk and be sociable
My Dad used to come every day
But that was fine
As he used to read his paper while I slept
He drove and hour every day to see me
And always brought my favourite chocolate

My carer used to bring for a smoke a few times a day
Thinking back I had no idea how bad things were
It never even occurred to me that I was in danger
Never mind die
My body and mind were so starved that I was in another place
A place where nothing really registers
Where feelings are not felt
And emotions mean nothing
I was numb
There was nothing going on behind my eyes
I was held hostage by anorexia
And she kept me distant and cold

I stayed in that hospital for about 3 weeks
Before I was transferred to the local psychiatric hospital
As much of a pain it is to be in hospital
I have some fond memories of being there
The staff were so nice to me
Although some did keep their distance
I don't think they knew what to say to me
And my illness being so obvious meant you couldn't really avoid the subject
Looking back I am lucky to be alive
Given what I have put my body through

It was good today
To be going to hospital with some one else
And not being the patient for once
My sisters tests came back clear
So that was a relief
And I was glad to leave the hospital
Here's hoping I won't have to go back anytime soon........


  1. Your hospital experience sounded horrible, but at least the people there were kind.
    I've only been once for myself since I was born and that was when I fainted at six. I didn't bother going anymore as I faint pretty frequently for my age, or any age for that matter.


    1. It wasn't too bad Christie
      It's just resisting treatment is exhausting

      Hope you're well x

  2. I was never really in a hospital for my eating disorder. I did outpatient and one residential stay. But I remember a lot of stays in the hospital for depression or alcohol. I spent it all reading and giving other people advice. I really hoped nobody would visit.. I remember bursting into tears in front of my parents for no reason, and they had no idea how to deal with it.

    It'd odd that I spent several stays in one particular hospital. I was in the same room 2 of the stays, and while she wasn't my roommate the 2nd time there was one woman who was there 2 of the 3 times. It actually made me sad because I was like that... I was in a couple hospitals more than one time, but I never saw the same people.

    I remember this stuff when I drive by these hospitals. I actually get them mixed up sometimes because there's 5 different places locally that I've been in. I can't always remember which memories are from which. Some are good memories. I remember watching tv in my pajamas with one guy they first time I was in the hospital. I was telling my sponsor about another man who only had 1 eye and wore an eyepatch, and he was so nice to me compared to everyone else. He'd stick up for me in groups if people interrupted me.

    I think hospitals stay with us. I don't think I was ever mentally prepared for going. I remember lots of emergency room doctors treating me like I shouldn't be there.. or maybe they just never validate people's mental health problems. I remember being scared and anxious and hiding behind books. I remember good people and scary people. It's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been in that environment. It definitely is nice to see those places when I am not going into them.


Thank you for leaving some love x