It's time to set the record straight
There are a lot of things that your eating disorder would have you believe
That you are fat
That you are worthless
A bad person
A burden on your family
Our EDs are like a little voice in our heads
Whispering/shouting/screaming these things in our ears
We hear them so much that we begin to believe them
But they are not true
EDs lie
They lie to us every single day
There are other things that our EDs would have us believe
That we are under complete control
That we are pure and clean because we deny ourselves food
That we are delicate and dainty and fragile because we are thin
That we are tragically beautiful
Special
Different
Unique
That people envy us because we can go without food
That people will like or love us even more because we are thin
I need to tell you that this is utter horse shit
We are not under control when we are in the grip of this illness
In fact we are spinning wildly out of control
We are not pure and clean because we deny ourselves food
We are weak and malnourished and cold and starving
Others do not envy us because we are thin
They pity us
They don't love us more
They worry about us more
We don't get more attention
We get sympathy
We are not special or unique or different
We are like millions of other girls and guys who are really unwell
There is nothing special about that
It's probably the hardest thing that we will ever do
But we need to stand up to that voice
We need to drown it out with positivity and love
We need to believe in ourselves so we don't fall for the lies
We need to tell on our eating disorders
Take away their power
The truth is that our EDs want us dead
There is no pretty was to say that
They want to kill us
And while they kill us
They want us to be utterly miserable
I don't know what life will be like after living with an ED for 14 years
I can't remember life without it
But it has to be better than living this half life
In death's waiting room
I have listened to anorexia for too long
I've let her live rent free in my head
I've let her destroy my body and my mind
And what has she given me in return?
Weak bones
Rotten teeth
Lank hair
Grey papery skin
A warped mind
A distorted body image
Isolation
Depression
Anxiety
Misery
Fear
Loneliness
Hatred of myself and my body
A deathwish
And a devastated family
For the first time in years
My life is turning around
With the help and love and support of my family and countless others
I am separating myself from my ED
I am finding the true Ruby
The girl who as locked inside this illness
Stifled and suppressed
I thought she was gone forever
I thought I would never find joy in life again
Or laugh again
But it's happening
It's truly happening for me
I am under no illusions
Things are not perfect
Far from it
But I am getting a little bit stronger every day
And I have people around me to catch me when I fall
Which I do often
I am breaking out of the prison that is my eating disorder
I am fighting back
My eating disorder has taken so much from me
But it hasn't taken my hope
My spirit
My faith
And my belief
I have so much to love for
I can see that now
Finally
I can see that now
The most perfectly timed post Ruby. It seriously could not have come at a better time for me. Not that that was your intention but I hope it shows how much you're helping others as well as yourself. Sorry I've not commented for a while but to all those posts this week: I only see and want to get to know YOU more, not your weight or body size or shape. Just you. Ruby. Cxx
ReplyDeleteOh C so lovely to hear from you
DeleteI have been wondering how you are
Because I worry when I don't hear from people
I am so glad that this post helped you
After I posted it
I thought it might have been a bit preachy
Or a bit strong worded
But if it helped you today
Then I am happy
Really hope you are doing ok
Do keep in touch x
Such a beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteIt is so true than we don't get more loved the sicker we get, and we don't get more beautiful. I've learned to love my healthy body now and I've learned to watch people (sounds creepy) but, do my friends, family, boyfriend, love only skinny people? NO, they love tons of different people and they each have something to offer. People like personality, funny, kind, patient. If I can have a really good quality in my personality than people will love me for that. That's helped me because I thought for the longest time that I wouldn't be loved if I wasn't thin. That I would have no friends, no boyfriend. But getting healthy and focusing more on my relationships than my looks has gotten me the best boyfriend and the best friends I've ever had in my entire life.
It's a beautiful thing.
<3 So glad you're getting better!
Thanks Kay
DeleteAnd I am starting to realize that too
That anyone who is worth having in our lives will never judge us on the size of our body
They will only worry about the size of our hearts
I know that I don't judge people by how they look
Most people don't
I am truly happy that you are accepting yourself just the way you are
You are perfect
And the fact that you have amazing people around you
Means that you are amazing too
Thank you so much for this comment x
Yes yes yes, a thousand times yes. This is perfect, and I need to read this every day! Perfect timing too, as I'm just about to go make my lunch! So good to hear such a positive message from you, I just love this!!!
ReplyDeleteXoxoxo
So glad it hit home with you Sarah
DeleteI wrote this for myself as well as you all
I need to be reminded of this every day
As it's so easy to get caught in anorexia's web of lies
Enjoy your lunch my dear x
Such a beautiful post!
ReplyDeleteIt really is true too, our EDs want us dead, not beautiful.
We're so desperate for whatever they give us taht we buy into it even though we really know underneath that we're heading for the grave.
I'm glad that you're making progress. Go away, ED, and let Ruby out!
Btw, my reading list is acting up and it won't give me alerts to who's posted new stuff anymore :(
Thanks Emily
DeleteIt is so true
They only bring misery to us and everyone around us x
yes - At some point there has to be a time when you put up the finger to ED and actually say "do you know - I want stuff "
ReplyDeleteED actually had me believe I didn't want kids - My way anorexic body may have been damaged and it was easier to say I didn't want than to admit I couldn't because of being anorexic and possibly having damaged my system .
However , on recovery - similar to you Ruby , I learnt to love me , met & dated , left home , met me fella - who I married -& omg , got pregnant ... had a perfect baby girl , amazed my body gave me something so beautiful after all the shit I put it through ,
My body then went on to give me 2 more adorable baby girls .
They are almost teenagers now , and although I'm not any where near skinny now , I have baby belly , cellulite , and droopy boobs (they fed my babies wonderfully) - I have to remember my body is actually fuckin amazing to recover so well.
Love your bodies for what they do for us -
ED , what is that ? except something that I near allowed to deny me of the three most precious things in my life.
I wish nothing but recovery for you Ruby , because hanging on in there is possible - and within your grasp . take it . take life by the boobs (we're girls) and live it .
lots of love Rachel M xxxxxxxx
Wow that is amazing Rachel!
DeleteSo so happy for you!
I have to admit that I was like that too
I had myself convinced I didn't want children
Because it was easier
Because I thought that I couldn't have them
But after a ten year absence
My period is back
And I believe that I will someday
One day
Keep doing what your doing Rachel
And thank for your support x
this was such an encouraging post. You're an amazing strong person Ruby x
ReplyDeleteI don't know about that
DeleteBut thank you Destiny
So good to heat from you again x
This is amazing and beautiful and I second everything hun
ReplyDeleteXxxxx
So glad you agree Lilly my love
DeleteWe will make it out
And live the lives we have always dreamed of x