Thursday, 25 September 2014

The Experiment

I seem to be going through a rather strange phase at the moment
Things are a bit all over the place over here in ED land
One minute I am absolutely hating my body
Hating the lumps and bumps
And curves and shapes
The next minute I really like by new body
Me new bum
My chest
And this changes from one moment to the next
I can't seem to decide if I like my body or not

It's the same with recovery
One minute I am kicking anorexia's ass
And feeling so powerful and strong
The next minute my head is in the toilet bowl

And with life in general
Sometimes I feel so positive about the future
I feel like there is a fulfilling life for me
But then sometimes I feel like I have no future
That I've messed up so badly that there is no going back

I really do feel like an emotional yo-yo
So many ups and downs
Highs and lows
There doesn't seem to be an in between with me
It's one or the other
Black or white
All or nothing

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am so impulsive
And so easily influenced
If I see a photo of a skinny girl
I immediately want to be like her
But then minutes later I might read something about recovery
And I'll be all fired up with positivity
There's no middle ground

I've had quite a lot of back lash from weighing yesterday
It's been hard to eat today
And I really pushed myself with exercise
So much so that I slept or 3 hours this afternoon
I was just so tired

As you know I started swimming again recently
For the first few times it was lovely
So relaxing
But then I started counting my lengths
And tried to beat that number every time I went
This is where it stops being enjoyable
And starts becoming a competition with myself

I know that I am on a slippery slope at the moment
I know that my ED is  waiting with open arms
I also know that it's ridiculous to assume that I will 100% motivated
Every minute of every day
I know that it comes and goes
Some days it's there
Somedays it's MIA
I need to make a decision
One way or the other
And stick to it

I remember when I was getting clean off drugs
I told myself that I would give recovery a go for 6 months
And if it didn't work out
I could always go back
My ED will always be there
But recovery might not
So I need to treat it like an experiment
Try recovery
See what the results are
Then make an informed decision

This limbo of being somewhere in between is doing my head in
I'm neither here nor there
I 'm in a wishy washy no man's land
Pulled in two different directions
It's time to pick a side
And get on with the rest of my life

So the experiment starts today
I mean the real recovery starts here
Not the half assed
Can't make up my silly mind recovery that I have been practicing
It's time to get serious
To give it 100%
I will never get to where I want to go if I half ass it
It's time to go full pelt
To take it day by day
Meal by meal
This means no purging
No over exercising
No restricting
I need to get my s**t together
It's time
The experiment starts here


  1. new day today can do this,good luck! love jo xx

    1. I think I can do it Jo
      Thank you for supporting me x

  2. Moderation is good! Keeping your eye on food (chocolates and crisps, also in moderation) and enough exercise to get a healthy toned body, that sounds like a good plan!

    1. I was at yoga this morning
      And the teacher had such a fit and toned body
      That's what I want
      No the bones
      But toned muscular limbs x

  3. Hi Ruby,
    It occurred to me as I was reading this, that maybe you want to speak with your dr about increasing the Prozac? I remember it was so helpful for you after it kicked in, with reducing the obsessing and negative thoughts. Since you have gained weight, it may not be building up the same potency in your body, and so now the obsessing and negativity has returned some or been harder to fight. Just something to think about and discuss with the psych.

    1. I have thought about that Shannon
      I think I will speak to my doctor about it
      As it does seem to help me
      Thanks for the suggestion x

    2. Efficacy of prozac dose is individual and not related to weight.thats why i am suspicious of ED blogs. So much rubbish advice from amateurs! Better ask a pharmacist regarding what affects efficacy in what way

  4. I so understand where you are coming from dear Ruby. I don't know if you've been diagnosed with BPD, but I was about a year and a half ago. The thoughts that you describe, about how there is no middle ground, only black and white, that's the way I think about everything.
    You're not alone sweetie and I believe in you and your recovery.

    1. No Katie, I've never been diagnosed with BPD
      Although it has occurred to me
      Because my thinking is so all or nothing
      I guess it's something to think about
      And speak to my doctor about

      Thanks for your belief Katie
      It means a lot x

    2. Babe once you have a BPD diagnosis... No. Better via email.

    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. how are you doing ruby? thinking of you today .jo x

    1. I'm doing ok Jo
      I went to yoga with my sister this morning
      So that was lovely
      I feel clear headed and determined
      I know what I need to to do x

  6. Cheering for you!
    (sorry, had to stay in hospital so late reply)

    What a brave step. The real choice. No 'road to recovery' but really leaving all ED behaviour behind..
    But..... is it something you're able to do? Or, is this blog also a little impulsive?
    Cause... it seems... huge and... I don't know....

    Please, feel free to write even when it's to hard....


    1. That hadn't occurred to me A
      But it 's a good point
      I just feel that I have to make a decision about recovery
      And stop being on the fence
      With one foot on each side
      It just makes it clearer for me what I am trying to do
      Time will tell I guess

      How did hospital go?
      Hope you're doing ok? x

  7. A huge leap of faith is required but the best leap I think you will ever make. Full recovery is totally possible and I think you do have to go full force at it to fully get rid. Which means taking a big risk and trying something totally new and unknown (to you). But I reckon the leap of faith that you can take will be your best move ever made cxx

  8. It comes up in AA meetings and mainly in talking in between meetings that thinking of an entire future, an entire life in sobriety/recovery is terrifying. I've been in that spot. I think it always needs to be an experiment. Try recovery, and if after a while you don't like it, you have a way out. That being said, I've been told that nobody tastes sobriety and hates it. The same goes for eating disorders I imagine. People with years of recovery are able to be happy without going back.

    I have seen people in real recovery from anorexia/bulimia. Not a lot I am very close with, but I watch people on facebook. I see people who were very sick when I knew them. People who were in treatment so many times. I see them having families and education and careers and having a life. It almost makes me cry at times because I remember how they were when I met them. I think it may take so many tries because it is an experiment. It takes reaching that point where recovery becomes better, and we're able to have a life.


Thank you for leaving some love x