And my mothers
And we all went out for lunch one day?
That morning my mother told me that she was really proud of me
Then when we were at lunch
My Dad told me that I had never looked better
And could I please stay that way
That night he sent me text that said this
A great joy to my heart to hear you laughing today
And I had been laughing
I had been telling everyone about my escapades with my teeth
And my family were chiming in with other silly things that I had done over the years
I am fully aware of how many hearts I would break
If I slipped back down the rabbit hole
And when I say 'rabbit hole'
I mean either drugs or my ED
I am fully aware of the devastation it would cause
Not to mention how hard it would be to come back from it
I know I don't have the strength to bounce back from another relapse
If I bounced back at all
I know that even though it looks tempting from here
The reality is a living hell
I know my addiction and my ED are like an abuser
They groom me and lure me in with false promises
It's only when I am held captive that they show their true colours
And how evil they really are
My ED is so sneaky
As you know I started back swimming few weeks ago
At first it was really enjoyable
I swam for leisure and there was no pressure
But then I started counting my lengths
50
60
80
100
Now nothing less than a 100 will do
I joined the leisure center
So I can now go swimming as much as I like
My ED wants me to go every day
Even though I know how many hearts I would break
I still feel tempted
Just once more
One more time
That plays on a loop in my head
Just once more
When my ED is whispering in my ear
I need to remember these things that my family have said to me
If I won't do it or myself
I can at least do it for them
I keep having to remind myself that this is not my first rodeo
I've been here before
I've been on this merry-go-round for 14 plus years
I know how this story ends
I guess I just always have that urge to escape
Escape my own head
Reality
This life
Everything
But I've been doing ok
I've been living life drug free for a few years now
And have pushed my ED away as much as I can
I'm ok
I
Am
Ok
I just keep having to tell myself that
I can do this
I can
When my ED is whispering in my ear
I need to remember these things that my family have said to me
If I won't do it or myself
I can at least do it for them
I keep having to remind myself that this is not my first rodeo
I've been here before
I've been on this merry-go-round for 14 plus years
I know how this story ends
I guess I just always have that urge to escape
Escape my own head
Reality
This life
Everything
But I've been doing ok
I've been living life drug free for a few years now
And have pushed my ED away as much as I can
I'm ok
I
Am
Ok
I just keep having to tell myself that
I can do this
I can
Ed free week? Oh ruby,this is addiction and it is so hard to break&please please remind yoyrself how far you have come!just saw your email i ll reply properly asap
ReplyDeleteIt's when it sneaks up on you that you have to be diligent, but man, it's hard.
ReplyDeleteYOU CAN DO THIS! sorry but swimming saved me, regulated my appetite, made me able to have regular meals. And i was counting, but anyone does that who works out, wanting progress is natural, stop overanalyzing its not healthy, just live, just be!
ReplyDeleteOh Ruby, it worries me that you're trying to manage all of this with less support than you've had for a while. I hate that there's no one else with Mary's experience who could help you. It's always that 'one more time' that breaks the camel's back, and it sounds like you know that.
ReplyDeleteI was worried when you started exercising, that you might overdo it. Could you make some sort of a deal to try to only go when your sister goes? It might help you realize what a more healthy exercise load is.
Keep soldiering on. Lots of love <3 xx
Hey sweetie, what happened to ED free week?
ReplyDeleteAnywho, I understand. It doesn't loosen it's grip and you have to fight each and everyday. I will tell you the same thing I told me best friend today (who's suffered for 14 years like you and I) "Just take it an hour at a time, because taking it day at a time might seem like too much." You can do this. Just like I can. Just like my best friend. We are strong and beautiful.
I also told her that if she can't find the strength to do it for herself, do it for her boys. Same goes for you. Your family adores you and need you. Be strong Ruby.
XOXO