Saturday 15 November 2014

Ugly

I'm really struggling with my body image at the moment
I was due to post a clothes post today
My last one
But when I saw the photos
I couldn't bring myself to post them
I don't look like myself any more
I don't recognize myself
My cheeks are full
My face is moon like
My things resemble tree trunks
Every part of me is huge and grotesque

It's really quite distressing
And it's not just my body
I used to feel relatively ok about my face
I knew that I was no great beauty
Or anything like it
But my face was bearable
I could tolerate it
But now
Well
I feel positively ugly
And can't quite stand to look at myself in the mirror

It's just really horrible to feel this way
And  to say that I felt more comfortable in my body when I was drastically underweight is scary
At least then there was less of me
Less of the ugliness
Now I feel like I take up so much space
I feel like I am well over weight
It's making life difficult
I have gone through many periods over the last week, where I didn't eat for a prolonged period of time
I fasted because I want to lose weight
And I feel the urge to do that again today
I hate to say that
But it's the truth

Not even all my lovely new clothes make me feel better
They are now a reminder that I am a bigger size
I don't want this post to be all feeling sorry for myself
But I have to be honest about where I am in relation to body image
Showers are an ordeal
Washing my body
I feel all the lumps and bumps and curves
It can be really upsetting
I feel embarrassed
I feel ashamed
I feel guilty
Guilty for eating
Guilty for beginning to recover
Ashamed that I can't even do that right
My ED tells me that I am a failure
That I am an anorectic mind in a healthy persons body
An imposter
My ED tells me that I need to lose X pounds
I see thin and pretty girls every where I go
And I feel like a heffalump beside them

I know they say that real beauty is on the inside
That the body is just a vessel
That all the things that matter are beneath the surface of the skin
I know that at heart
I am a good person
I try to be the best person I can be
And that my body is just a shell that carries the real person
But that is no comfort to me right now
Right now all I can see is flesh
And curves
And roundness
And more flesh

I guess maybe that is part of the reason that I was buying so many new clothes
To try and make myself look half decent
And that worked
Albeit for half an hour
I just wish that I knew how to make the best of myself
I wish I knew how to dress my new body
How to apply make up
And do my hair
I have no earthly idea how to do these things
I never went through that phase
I want to feel good about myself
I want to look in the mirror and not want to cry
I'm not asking to look like a supermodel
I just want to feel secure
And confident
Is that too much to ask?

I know that I am still on the middle of a transition
I know that my weight and shape will settle down
I just need to be patient
I need to be kind to myself
Be gentle with myself
Instead of berating and insulting myself in my own head
The urge to use ED behaviours is massive
Not to eat
To exercise
To slip back in to old patterns
It would be so easy
I have to keep giving myself pep talks
Talk myself out of going down that road again
It's just hard
It's really f**king hard

I hate being so wrapped up in my own stuff
My very own brand of navel-gazing
But I don't just wax lyrical
This stuff is effecting my life
And confidence
And my mental health
I crave escape
I want to sleep so long that I wake up thin
I think about the oblivion of drugs
But of course that comes at a price
And I am not willing to pay that price any more

Bulimia still blights my life
I can't seem to let it go
It seems that this is as good as it gets for me right now
This is as much as I can handle
I'm just to tired of fighting
Fighting all day every day
Fighting against my ED
Against my addiction
Against my instinct to escape
My urge to disappear
I'm fighting against the huge urge to check out of this planet
To leave this mess behind once and for all
I'm just so tired

Can anyone relate to this?
Has anyone gone through this?
How did you get through it?


With love from at

13 comments:

  1. Anonymous15 November 2014 at 02:20

    so sorry you are feeling like this,i feel exactly the same at the moment so no words of wisdom I'm afraid.just wanted to let you know your not alone.surely everyone must go through this when they trying to get better. the only thing that helps me is putting something baggy on and avoiding the mirror and getting on with other things, although its all consuming isn't it? relate to the whole shower thing too.dont want to face it.hope you get lots more helpful comments.and feel better soon.its too easy to slip back,but it must get easier. much love jo x

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  2. Anonymous15 November 2014 at 02:31

    and you are not ugly! always thought you have beautiful bone structure in all your pics x

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    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday15 November 2014 at 02:34

      Thank Jo
      It's good to know that I am not alone
      But I am sorry that you are feeling this way too
      I guess it's all part of recovery
      And trying to leave this illness behind
      I think knowing that I will come out the other side of this helps
      Knowing it won't last forever

      Thanks Jo, I appreciate your kind words x

      Delete
  3. TheWriterNamedA15 November 2014 at 03:02

    I am on the other side of the issue, or so I have been. I used to be over two times the weight that I am right now. I lost three numbers on the scale, and we use kg´s.
    So everybody said I was looking better and prettier and blah and I just want to crawl out of my skin.
    Because that (and this) is just NOT me. Remind yourself of the fact that you're mind gets used to certain facts of your body and your body might adapt in quick manner, but your mind takes so much more time to adjust.

    Now, I have gained a little weight due to prednison, and honestly I am struggling. Also, I had to go for a different style in clothes, wearing pants and jeans is to difficult for one arm (can't do zipper or button) and to painful for my stomach (operation wound that won't heal).

    So now I am a woman (which is odd, I like being 'the girl') and I look womanlike with dresses and skirts and more scary things. And I have a normal weight (a little on the high side but I know it's the meds).
    And on days like today I find myself in pyama's on my couch, rolled up in a blanket and curtains closed. Not facing any part of the world.

    I know, I really know, that it's not about what people look like.
    But I wish there would be less of me, or so much more that all the fat keeps people at distance.

    I sometimes choose clothes I love (I now got a skirt from someone, which is dark blue with white dots and I think it looks like a toadstool) and try to think that at least I have happy nice things on.

    What might help you, I know someone who did that, is take a class or course with someone giving advice on body image but more on what to wear with different body shapes, which colors suit you best and how to put on make up.

    But please, don't go messing with food or purging or what not.... It won't help, it will only prolonge the struggle. You cannot get used to something, if you keep on changing it or influencing it in such a destructive way....

    (L)

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    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday15 November 2014 at 05:11

      Thanks for this A
      You reminded me that I don't need to turn to my ED to deal with this
      I guess I have used my ED for so long that it becomes second nature
      Right now I am having a battle in my head about whether to eat lunch or not
      And I don't need that

      I hope your recovery is going well
      You have been through a lot recently
      You are one tough cookie

      Oh yes, I would just love to learn all about dressing myself and make up etc
      It would make me feel so much better

      Love to you A x

      Delete
  4. formerly known as christie15 November 2014 at 09:17

    Oh Ruby...I'm so sorry you feel this way. You're beautiful.
    You shouldn't feel guilty - that's the ED. Recovery is healthy, dear. Even though when I say that it is terribly ironic.
    There are some guides online to dress according to body shape, doing makeup according to your complexion etc. Would those help?
    It's okay Ruby darling we all have bad days. Just have hope that one day it'll all be better if not wonderful, sweetie.
    I can relate to some of it. Feeling ugly? Yes, nearly every day I do, maybe for a few hours, maybe it lasts for consecutive days. An ED? No, I'm afraid not. Unable to be nice to myself? Yes.
    I hope you feel more confident soon <3

    Love,
    Christie

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    1. Ruby Tuesday15 November 2014 at 14:37

      Hopefully this is a bad day Christie
      Hopefully I will wake up tomorrow and feel a bit better
      Hopefully...... x

      Delete
  5. Unknown15 November 2014 at 09:45

    Ruby,

    I have myself often times felt the same way you're feeling right now.
    About two months or so ago, I moved out of my parents house and moved out of state for a new job. I'm currently living with my aunt and uncle in Massachusetts where my new job is and I'm still adjusting to my new lifestyle. My new lifestyle is not being able to get to the gym every day like I was able to when I was at home. My new lifestyle is having to eat more then I would like because people are watching me. My new lifestyle is not being able to find time for myself, which is so hard to do. I have not been myself for the past two months,-body image, ED thoughts and everything have been superstrong.
    The way I'm dealing with it? Just taking it one day at a time. But I feel your pain, I feel the same way that you feel when you shower and look in the mirror. I feel gross about myself although I know that I need to gain weight-still. When I say that I know that I need to gain, I know this, but I am still am afraid it to do it. ED sucks! I've been dealing with it for about a year and a half, and I really just want to let it go-but it is so hard.

    Just take it one day at a time. That's what I'm doing and that's all that we can do.

    Love you honey!

    <3

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    1. Ruby Tuesday15 November 2014 at 14:38

      Baby steps all the way Alexis
      I'm sorry
      I don't have many words right now
      But thank you for this x

      Delete
  6. Kaylee15 November 2014 at 12:23

    I have soooo been there and I hear you, and it totally sucks. Trust me, this will pass and it will not be this horrible forever. I too am really struggling with body image, but what works for me is remembering that I was underweight and restricting for way longer than I have been in recovery. So, I figure my body gets to take its time getting back to normal. The only thing you can really do is take care of yourself, eat well, and trust that your body will regulate. It is SO hard feeling like you want to crawl out of your skin, like your body is completely out of our control, but you will get through this. Hang in there!

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    1. Ruby Tuesday15 November 2014 at 14:38

      Thanks Kaylee
      I know you have been there too
      It's good to know that I am not the only one
      And that this is normal and all part of recovery
      I will hang in there
      Thank you x

      Delete
  7. Kitty17 November 2014 at 06:26

    You are beautiful Ruby - don't ever forget that hon <3

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  8. Eve17 November 2014 at 20:58

    I got into lifting for both the men break and physical benefits. You gotta find a hobby that can make you feel at ease or strong and happy. Find something to anchor positive beliefs in. You can do it!

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Thank you for leaving some love x

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