Christmas Eve

So it's December 24th
And our house is a hive of activity
Food is being prepared
Beds are being made
Dogs are washed
Presents are wrapped
And the house is being cleaned
There will be 10 of us here tomorrow for Christmas dinner
The first time we have all been together in years
So it is a special one
Especially for my sister who is home for Christmas for the first time in a long time

As for myself
Well I have been feeling a lot better since my methadone was increased
Even though it was just 4mls
It really has made a difference
It's even been making feel nice and sleepy
Which is a bonus

When we went out for lunch on Monday
My other sister commented that I have lost weight
Especially in my face
It bothers me now that people are starting to notice
The last thing I want to do is worry people
And my Dad is coming down today
I am hoping that he doesn't notice
But who am I kidding?
He probably will

So my cravings seems to be under control for the moment
Food is still a battle ground
But I will try my best over Christmas
To keep it together
And try to behave like a normal human being
Easier said than done

So I guess I better get on with the preparations
I know a lot of you are celebrating today
So Happy Christmas to you
And to yours
I hope you have a peaceful and relaxing day
I am going to enjoy it as best I can
With the people I love around me
With Honey and Lea
My two faithful friends who are never far from my side
I am going to have my turkey and ham
And enjoy it
And not feel guilty for enjoying it
I am going to get dressed in my new clothes
Go and watch the Christmas swim at my local beach
I am going to exchange presents with my family
Have dinner with my loved ones
Laugh
Drink
And be merry
Because it is a time to be with family and friends
And a time to celebrate

2015 is almost here
2014 has been a roller coaster to say the least
I started out the year in treatment
That didn't work
And I came home worse than ever
My outlook was bleak
I as losing hope and belief that I would ever get better
Even my dogs weren't  in great form
Lea's fur was falling out
And it was like she was in a depression
In April I 'half heartedly' overdosed
Thank God that Mary was there and stepped in
I spoke to my psychiatrist
And my meds were tweaked
I was started on Prozac

I knew that I had hit rock bottom
I couldn't go any lower
A few weeks later
And I began to notice that things were changing
My depression lifted
And my anxiety lessened
I began to feel normal again
It was such a relief
I started to gain weight
It all happened very quickly
And now I am at a healthy weight

My purging decreased a lot
And I felt brighter and more alive
For the first time in years I began to have hope
Hope that I would get better
That there was a life after ED and addiction

In the summer I went to the UK for 2 weeks
While there I gave up smoking
And am now 21 weeks cigarette free

But about a month ago
I started to lose weight again
I am doing my best not to let this become a full blown relapse
I don't want to start 2015 off on a bad note
It's a constant battle
A constant tug-of-war going on in my head
But I will keep fighting
It's not my style to give up

I guess this is recovery
This is life
It's rarely straight forward
It's not a clear stretch
There are ups and downs
Highs and lows
Good days and bad days
It's not black and white
Life is tough
It's messy
Frustrating
Confusing
Infuriating
Terrifying
Hard
Anxiety provoking
Fear inducing
Stomach churning
Head wrecking
Vomit retching
Tiring
Boring
Mundane
Monotonous
Banal
Exhilarating
Hilarious
Tear jerking
And so much more


Life is a crazy ride
And my life has been especially crazy
But it's my life
This is my little world
My little piece of the earth
And you know what?
I wouldn't have it any other way