Where you use a little hammer to hit the heads that pop up
And as soon as you hit one down
Another one pops up somewhere else
That is exactly what my life feels like right now
Let me explain
I have what they call 'dual addiction'
In that I battle both substance abuse
And an eating disorder
But you already knew that
Since the age of 18
I have bounced between the two
When one is under control
The other spins out of control
For instance
When I was using a few weeks
My ED was in the background
As drugs dominated my every waking moment
It's not that my ED had gone away
It was just lying dormant
And was bound to erupt at some point
Then
I managed to get my using under control
And hey presto
What do ya know?
My ED returneth
At first it was purging
My old friend bulimia was back in town
All re-charged after a rest
She meant business
But along with bulimia
The negative thinking
And the madness returned
I could feel it seeping in to my body and mind
Like a poison working its way through my system
I just couldn't handle it
So I went to the other extreme
And stopped eating
At first it was like a game
To see how long I could go without eating
10 hours
24 hours
36 hours
I wanted to see how far I could push it
But every action has a consequence
And usually restriction like this ends up in an almighty binge
The taste of food after a fast can go one of two ways
It can either taste amazing
Or make you feel sick to your stomach
And you never can tell until you eat it
After every binge
The restriction starts a fresh
New game
New player
Let's see if we can beat our last score
Fasting for me is actually hellish
I spend the whole time arguing in my head about whether to eat or not
Sometimes it feels like I am going mad
Going insane
Maybe I have already
I don't know
My weight is down a few pounds
Nothing to worry about
But I need to get on top of this
Before I fall head first down the rabbit hole
Which we all know can happen in the blink of an eye
I'm also struggling with meetings
I haven't been to one in two days now
But I am determined to get back on track
To get back to a meeting a day
Every road has its bumps
And I am hoping that is all this is
Every road has its bumps, Ruby - an eating disorder is hard enough to deal with in itself but when you have other issues raising their ugly heads as well, it's so much harder. I once wrote something in a blog post about getting back on track after a bump -I can't remember now exactly, but it was something about being in a car and taking your attention off the road for a second and veering off track, or going over a pothole and having to correct your steering to avoid pitching headlong off the road. I still stand by that, and I remember feeling tossed about many times in the early stages of recovery. It's all about bringing your hands back to the ten and two position, taking control of the wheel again. Being bumped off track momentarily doesn't have to change the journey or the end destination. You just need to right your steering and take back control. Ten and two, Lovely. Ten and two. I have every faith in you xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you for this Cheryl
DeleteYou make do much sense
As you always do
And I appreciate your words so much
As I really needed to be reminded of this today
I guess I get so tired of having to fight so very hard all the time
But I know what to do
Bang in the meetings
Keep going back
Don't use
And more will get revealed
I look at other people in recovery
And I want what they have
Peace of mind
And serenity
I want it so bad
I will get back on track though
And put my hands back on ten and two
To keep going
And fighting for a better life
Thank you so much x
Hi Ruby
ReplyDeleteRecovery is full of ups and downs, and obviously, the more things you have to recover from, the harder it's going to be, but from what I've read on your blog you are an unbelievably strong woman, despite the fact that you might not see it sometimes.
You put yourself out there, you are honestly trying and looking for help and finding ways to recover and you hold yourself accountable.
Just remember how good and refreshed you felt when going to the meetings regularly, you said it yourself, right now you need them, and as soon as you get back on track and take the bull by the horns again you will see. You CAN do this. You will beat it Ruby.
Take care of yourself sweetheart, you are a wonderful person
Mandy xx
This is true Mandy
DeleteBumps in the road are inevitably part and parcel of life
I guess I have to take with the rough with the smooth
I'm not giving up though
I will continue to fight
And hope
And believe in a better life
Thank you for your lovely words x
This is life, even though some people seem better at handling it than others. I know you're strong, you'll get back on track again. Everything just needs to take its time.
ReplyDelete/Avy
http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com
♥
I hope so Avy
ReplyDeleteI truly hope so x
Anna dear so lovely to hear from you
ReplyDeleteI think of you often and wonder how you are
Are you blogging anymore?
You know my addiction counsellor said the same thing to me
That I should think of all my disorders as one that had many forms
I think it's a good way to look at it
Thank you for your encouragement
It means so much to me
I hope you see this reply
Do email me if you'd like to stay in touch
Much love dear friend x