Thursday, 14 May 2015

Once bitten, twice shy....

As you know
I am back going to meetings
After years of avoiding them
And years of being in and out of the rooms
Meetings are great
There is something magical about gathering together with a group of like minded people
All striving for the same goal
All fighting for sobriety
There are some people in the rooms with fantastic recovery
But unfortunately there are also some very unwell people there too
The thing with NA or AA is that they are completely open
Anyone can walk in
Sit down
Listen to others share
And even share themselves
So there are people from every walk of life
Poor people 
Rich people 
People who are still using or drinking
People who want to get well
People who don't 
People who go to meetings just to get the courts or family off their back
Of course there are people who are there to get well
But some people do have a hidden agenda

It's not uncommon for people to swap phone numbers at meetings
It's good to have a network of people who you can call when times are tough
So recently I have swapped numbers with quite a few people
And thought nothing off
I was a bit wary about giving my number to two men in particular
But they asked
And I am too polite to say no
But boy am I sorry 

These two men are at almost every meeting I go to
And from what I can tell
They live in their own little worlds 
One of the men rings me quite a lot
The first few times I answered
But have now stopped
As when I am talking to him
It's very hard to get away from him
Although I must admit
Sometimes he can be very nice
Like the day he rang me up to let me know that 'someone cares'
And last night he left a message on my voice mail telling me that he 'appreciates me being on the planet' 
And that I contribute to his life
That's all fine and dandy
But he can also be very inappropriate
Like when he asked me about his girlfriend
Who is 53 
And thinks she might pregnant????
Then asking me if it's common to want sex more when you are pregnant 
I mean that is just going too far in my opinion
He seems to have no clue that he is being really inappropriate
This guy is not well
From taking too many drugs
He is extremely paranoid 
And quite clingy
He's a nice guy and all
But he's someone that I don't really want to engage with a lot
Maybe that's mean
But I have to look after myself 
And my sobriety
I know that he has upset a lot of members of AA
And a lot of people don't have any time for him 
So I guess if I stop answering his calls
He will stop ringing me

The other guy who I gave my number too is also a grade A head the ball
At first
He was sending me innocent texts
Just asking how I am and such
I answered 
But did not get in to a conversation with him
Then a couple of days ago
He texted me to say that he was full of guilt and shame after lusting after women
And went on to talk about Internet porn and the like
This is the same guy who accosted me at my first meeting 
And described how he couldn't stop master bating 
I mean hello?
How inappropriate and creepy is that?
Very if you ask me

They say at meetings
That you should stick with the winners
In other words stay around the people who are well
And who have good recovery 
That makes sense
And I do engage with these people
But others who are not recovery orientated are hard to avoid
And me being me
I find it really difficult to be assertive

I was speaking to Breda about this on Tuesday
She gave me some advice on how to deal with these people
And also made the point that I have a warm personality 
And others might think I am an easy target 
And take advantage of me
This also makes sense to me
If I had any sort of a backbone
I would have told these  guys that their behaviour was out of order
 And so inappropriate 
But I just don't have the confidence to do that 
Although I'm going to have to set these guys straight 
And make clear boundaries
Because right now people are walking all over me
And I don't like it

I guess this is something that I can practise
And as my self esteem grows 
Do will my confidence 
And belief in myself

I was wondering about you
Are you confident, assertive and able to stand up for yourself?
What do you think I should do about this situation?

14 comments:

  1. I am terrible at standing up for myself, I have my dad to thank for that (he smacked me around quite a bit growing up).

    Nowadays I never give out my number, after being semi-stalked by some really creepy people. Now I just say that my phone is for family only and leave it at that.

    If you are brave enough you tell them off, if not, bring someone with you and tell them off ;)

    But seriously, what they are doing is very inappropriate.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm such a people pleaser CP
      Don't want to rock the boat
      Or upset anyone
      So I let people use me like a door mat

      I think our early experiences really set the scene for how we behave later in life
      I guess we can learn and change
      But it's not easy

      I have your card
      Just need to Pop it in the post
      Apologies that there is no gift
      Money is tight at the moment x

      Delete
  2. They are dregs ruby.

    I believe we are all valuable human beings but that does not mean we have to be friends.
    Yes I have found boundaries hard. I always get stuck being nice to the weirdos but I now know not to meet up.with anyone or give out my number. I just say, "I don't give out my number sorry". They will move on to someone else.

    don't forget they don't really care about you they just want to sleeze onto you and hear the sound of their own voice.

    Also if people are talking sexually Inappropriately some are getting turned on just talking to you and some are turned on by the idea of violating your boundaries. Yuck!

    block their numbers. Try to imagine a shield around yourself at meetings. And remember you are not responsible for.those people. Polite yes, but cut the conversation off after a few safe "weather" topics and walk away. Do this for all people you meet. Only be friends with those you observe indirectly over a long period of time.



    Xoxoxox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the advice shelby
      I think you are right
      These people don't mean anything to me
      And I don't mean anything to them
      They are just out for what they can get
      That's the problem with meetings
      But I have learned the hard way not to give my number out to anyone that asks x

      Delete
  3. I'm a bit of an odd duck, I have times when I am so shy and don't know how to act, and other times I take zero bullshit from anyone.
    This is a semi recent development though, it comes with how I deal with recovery I guess. Since I started looking for help and really truly wanting to recover, my confidence levels have spiked, though it's not always the case.

    I find that if you can't find the words to say because it feels too much like a confrontation to speak your mind and show your true opinion, to do it by text or letter.
    Be outspoken on paper, we know for a fact you have a gift with words, and as you do that people will end up expecting you to speak your mind, and that will lead it to feel like it is safe to do so. Am I making any sense?
    I find that doing that has helped me a lot in feeling ok with not wanting to take any bs from anyone.
    In your recovery YOU are the focus, although being so kind can make that hard, you have to remember that you must be surrounded by positive vibes. If they make you feel uncomfortable then they are not for you and you should not feel guilty about that.

    Take care my dear, sending big hugs your way
    love,
    Mandy xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You make perfect sense Mandy
      As always
      You know I think you are right
      They say that in recovery
      You have to be a bit selfish
      I know what this means now
      That I have to put myself and my needs first
      That doesn't come naturally to me
      But I am trying

      I'm loving getting to know you Mandy
      I think you are amazing and so glad to call you a friend x

      Delete
  4. I used to be the same, and had a really hard time telling people to feck off. Especially men for some reason, I guess we're conditioned that way. :/

    I don't know when that changed. At some point I just ran out of patience. Here's an inspirational video:
    https://youtu.be/qJMqdTr7IQM

    ^_^

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He he, I just watched that clip
      It is hilarious
      And really inspired me to tell these men to fuck off!!!! X

      Delete
  5. I agree with Mandy. Since both men are on your mobile, you could text them that they are saying things that make you uncomfortable and you do not wish to carry on talking to them. Be as specific or as vague as you like: that is your prerogative.

    I 100% guarantee that they will challenge you. They will say they "didn't mean" to say inappropriate things, or they may tell you you're being overly sensitive. They may demand that you explain in greater detail. You do not need to engage them any further (if they attempt to undermine your complaint, it's called gaslighting - they're not trying to understand, they're trying to make you doubt yourself). You do not need to explain yourself.

    Here's the thing with guys like that: they know exactly what they're doing. They get their rocks off by making you uncomfortable. Men only become suddenly incapable of discerning social cues when it comes to being sexually inappropriate (as if ignoring their attempts at communication isn't a very obvious sign of disinterest). Also, men who test your boundaries like that are very likely to be the type of rapist who specifically target women who feel like they must tolerate bad behavior. (https://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/meet-the-predators/)

    It is not selfish to not let people sexually harass you. It is not selfish to cut toxic people out of your everyday communication. It's not selfish to realize that even if these were just *nice guys* who need to develop their social skills, it would not be your responsibility to hold their hand and explain that "Now there, talking with women you've just met about your sexual compulsions is not cool."

    I know - easy for me to say. It took me almost 30 years to find my voice, but I'm not afraid to use it anymore. I wish I could tag along with you to a meeting or two and drive off the jerks! You are under no obligation to compromise your own wellbeing by continuing one on one communication with these guys. The most passive way would be to simply ignore their calls & texts (much easier if you block their #s and don't have to know they're trying). Texting them to ask them not to continue is a way to stand up for yourself that doesn't involve confrontation. How is your sister with people like this? Maybe take her along for a few meetings to act as a buffer?

    These guys, especially the masturbator creep, are sending out huge red flags. Nice people care when they're making others uncomfortable. They are not nice people. You don't owe them anything, not even "nice." Please be safe, Ruby. It's ok to take care of yourself.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I live in hope that I will find my voice tempest
      My sister is always telling me that the older she gets the less of a shit she gives
      I would love to be like that
      And not give a flying fuck about what people thought of me

      I spoke to Mary about my confidence issues
      And she assures me I will find my voice if I just keep plugging away at recovery
      I guess it's not something that happens over night
      It's a slow and lengthy process

      I haven't heard from either men today
      I saw them both at a meeting
      But nothing was said
      Go figure

      So glad to hear from you Tempest
      I was afraid you had left for good x

      Delete
  6. i tend not to be for a while then resentment builds up and i turn the other way. i agree with everyone you should be wary you have every reason to feel uncomfortable and should never feel pressured to give out your number. hope this doesn't make meetings hard for you,it is them with the problem not you,much love jo xx

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    Replies
    1. I'm trying not to let it affect my recovery Jo
      I mean the positives of the meetings out weigh the negatives
      So I will keep going
      It's just unfortunate that I have to meet these guys on a regular basis
      I am ok though

      Much love to you too darlin' x

      Delete
  7. Oh gosh these guys sound like their being very inappropriate and rude considering you don't know them well.
    I too can be the same very unassertive with people and It's difficult to tell people no and let them down.
    But if these people are bothering you then you have to look out for yourself! I think the best thing to do would be to ignore them If they are being inappropriate or maybe speak with them about it. Good luck I hope it all goes well xo

    www.libertylifeandselfhelp.com

    ReplyDelete
  8. Unfortunately there are often predatory people at meetings who will not hesitate to take advantage. Two recommendations: get a sponsor, and stick with women in the fellowship. It's ok to tell men you don't give out your number to men you don't know! It's a matter of safety! In the fellowship I was in it was a rule that men stick with men and the women stick with women, for everyone's protection. If you have a sponsor she will help protect you from the predators!

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x