Thoughts on recovery

I guess it is safe to say that I am in recovery

Or am I?

I think I am

I mean

I want to be

I try to be

I hope to be 

There is no doubt

That I am a million miles away from where I was 18 months ago

I was in such a dark place

My days were either spent in a frenzy of binging and purging

Or silently starving

The binging and purging was relentless 

I shit you not

In the morning 

I'd wake up

Have chocolate for breakfast 

Purge

Go shopping for binge food

Which I may or may not have paid for

Walk my dogs 

No matter how bad things got

I always walked my dogs 

Even if it was a short one when I was very ill

I'd come home

And the binging would commence

Crisps 

Chocolate

Biscuits

Pasta

Bread 

Noodles

Potatoes 

Chicken curry

It just went on and in

I literally couldn't stop

It was terrifying how out of control I was

I can remember my Dad saying to me  in the midst of the madness

'Ruby

Please

Stop'

My family would beg and plead with me

They'd get angry

Sad

Mad

They were at the end of their tether 

And so was I

It was a nightmare

I remember at night when everyone went to bed

I would tear the kitchen apart

Cooking

Making food 

Eating everything in sight

There were often times when I ate all the bread in the house

Leaving nine for anyone else 

If anyone bought biscuits or chocolate

They didn't last five minutes if I was around

I just couldn't help myself 

Couldn't control myself

Not even if I wanted to

I woke up every morning 

Dreading the day ahead

The relentless march from the kitchen to the bathroom

Over and over again

Literally going in circles 

I know that bulimia is often treated like anorexias less deadly sister

But let me tell you

From someone who has lived through both

They are equally as serious 

And anyone who wants to argue that point?

Come walk a day in my vomit stained shoes

Even when I went on to treatment last year

I still continued to binge and purge

I purged every meal

Used to raid the biscuit press

And keep a stash of biscuits in my locker

I bought shed loads of chocolate from the canteen

They must have thought I was nuts

And I'm surprised I got away with it at all

I was so sneaky 

Purging any chance I got

I was constantly ducking and diving

Trying to get around staff

Purging was my drug 

And I just couldn't stop

I can remember in all my time intreatnent

I managed only one day purge free

One day

Even with all the support I had

I left treatment weighing less than when I went in

As you know 

In the year since leaving treatment 

Things began to look up 

The incessant binging and purging stopped

And I began to gain some control over my eating

As of now

My weight is stable 

My health has drastically improved

As has my mental health

Don't get me wrong

I still haven't had a purge free day

I purge at least a couple of times a day

But things are the best they've been in a long time

Amen to that

Maybe by medical standards 

I am still unwell

And still very much bulimic

Still eating disordered 

But for me

This is as good as things get

For now

From an addiction point of view

Things are in a similar place

I'm not using heroin

Or any illegal drugs

But I still struggle to take my meds properly

And have days when I am not even on the planet earth by any stretch of the imagination

But again

Things are as good as they can be

And for now

That is enough

I guess recovery is not destination

It's not an end point

It's a process

It's ongoing

It never ends

There is a saying in AA

That they claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection

I love that

It's about constantly growing

Thriving

Blossoming

Fighting for a better life

Recovery takes time 

Another saying in AA is to give time time

Again

So true

Physical recovery takes months

Psychological recovery can take years

And complete recovery can take a life time

That's the thing with eating disorders

You have the double whammy of physical and mental complications

And it really takes a toll

I don't think I have mentioned weight yet

That's the funny things about EDs

Wright does matter 

But it also doesn't matter 

I guess it doesn't matter if you're weight is considered healthy

And it does matter if you are under weight or obese

And it is having a detrimental effect on your health

I think the whole weight debate is a bit of a mine field

We are told that weight doesn't matter

Yet in treatment it becomes such a big deal

I know that I never took any notice of my weight until doctors and such began weighing me

The number seemed important to them

So it became important to me

Over the years 

I have been every weight between emaciated and healthy

But I was just as sick at my lowest weight as I was at my highest weight

That is no lie

I know that I have a lot of work to do

My recovery is a work in progress

I am no poster girl from recovery 

But am always honest about where I am

I don't see any point in sugar coating things

That helps no one

I will continue to fight for a better life

For a better future

For me and my family 

I've had a glimpse of what my life could be life

I've seen how rich and wonderful a healthy life can be

And I want more

I want to live the best life I can 

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Do you consider yourself to be in recovery?

What do you think constitutes recovery?

Which do you think is harder

Living with an ED

Or recovering from one?

What does recovery mean to you?

I'd love to know.....