The Hunger Games

One of the most dangerous aspects of anorexia

Is that the disorder always wants more

More weight loss 

To the point where sufferers become entangled in a twisted game of 'Who is the sickest?'

I've played this game 

Many times 

And no good can come if it 

Being an addict 

And having attended support groups

I have met many other girls like me

Who are cross addicted

And developed EDs as well as drug/alcohol addictions

Two girls in particular I became good friends with

We're we helping each other?

I'm not so sure 

I know I measured my weight against theirs 

One of the girls and I used to tell each other our weight

And  I committed it to memory 

And secretly tried to achieve a lower weight

They say that in regards to recovering

1/3 will recover

1/3 will live somewhere in between their disorder and recovery 

And 1/3 will never recover 

Those statistics ring true for me and my friends 

One of us has recovered

One is still knee deep in the disorder

And one is somewhere in between the two 

People with EDs 

Often have the sense that they are not sick enough 

And therefore don't deserve the title of 'anorectic'

Because there is always someone sicker or thinner than you 

If you are admitted to inpatient

The Hunger Games become amplified 

For me

Inpatient did not work 

I found that being surrounded by other disordered people made recovery and weight gain nigh on impossible 

I compared myself to other girls 

What we weighed 

What we ate

How much exercise we did 

It was all a sick and twisted game 

I just wasn't able to allow myself to gain weight in that situation

And have never completed treatment successfully

I've always done much better from home  

With support of course 

There is a kind of competition that comes with anorexia 

We wear our bones like trophies on our bodies 

We award ourselves with medals for the different milestones we achieve

Given the title of anorectic

Check

Underweight

Check

Seeing a counsellor

Check 

Inpatient

Check 

Inpatient especially has a kind of holy grail aura about it

Because we never believe we are sick enough

Being told you need to go in to inpatient is like being validated that yes you are sick enough to go to hospital  or treatment 

I know I spend much time worrying about the fact that I don't have an ED

Rather than the fact that I do have one

Although 

Having said all that 

One place that I don't feel a sense of competition

Is here on blogger

Why is that?

Probably because we get to see the real honest truth about what it's really like to live with a life threatening mental illness

The fear

The loneliness 

The isolation

The depression and anxiety

The family issues

The never ending merry-go-round of recovery and relapse

It's clear from reading about people's lives here

That an ED is not what it would have you believe 

Ive used this metaphor before 

But I will use it again

An ED is like an abuser

It grooms you and lures you in with false promises of happiness and success 

It paints a picture of what life will be like when you lose weight

You'll be lighter 

Prettier 

The smallest of all your friends 

And of course it will tell you that thinner people are more popular

More liked and loved 

Your boyfriend will be able to pick you up with no effort at all

You will wear anything you like

And look effortlessly beautiful

Oh yes

In return for your body

Your mind 

Your sanity

And your soul 

Anorexia will give you the life you always dreamed of

Hard to resist right? 

Once anorexia lures you in

And you are now captive 

Anorexia shows its true colours

And how evil it truly is

And once she is in your life 

Life will never be the same again

Thus far 

I've focused on anorexia

But of course there are other eating disorders

Unfortunately 

They are not given the same status that anorexia is

Bulimia for example

Is widely considered to  be anorexias less popular cousin

Having dealt with both 

I know first hand that it is a lot more difficult to talk about bulimia

If anorexia is cold, controlled and aloof

Then bulimia is loud and brash and in your face 

No one wants to admit that they throw up their food

It's messy

It's disgusting

It's not something that you talk about in polite company 

I think people feel sorry for people with anorexia

And disgusted by people with bulimia

It's not a fair appraisal at all 

Then there is binge eating disorder

And food addiction 

Which must be even more difficult to talk about 

Anorexia gets the most attention

That is for sure 

Maybe because seeing an emaciated person is so shocking 

Papers and magazines love a sensationalist story

With a shocking and disturbing picture to go with it

The same with obesity

But if you ask me

Anorexia and obesity are on the same spectrum

At opposite ends albeit

But it's the same problem

A problem with feelings

With reality 

With ourselves

And of course with food 

I have no doubt that I could easily become obese 

My relationship with food can be so disordered that it is a very real possibility 

As I have said before

I either eat none of the food

Or all of the food

There is no in between 

There is no glory in being the sickest or the thinnest

In the end 

Lives are torn apart as a result 

And really

There are no winners 

Only losers 

I know all too well that our EDs will not be satisfied until we are six feet under

Death is the ultimate prize 

There is no doubt

That eating disorders are complicated illnesses 

Often we don't know why we are doing what we are doing

But we feel compelled to do it

God knows I am going through it right now

And it's a battle to get back on track

It's so important in recovery 

To build a solid foundation on which to grow from

I think maybe that was my mistake 

I didn't have a platform from which to flourish

My recovery happened very quickly

And almost in spite of myself 

I think I started using the word recovery because I had gained weight

But then recovery really did happen

I did gain weight

My mood improved 

My anxiety and depression lifted 

But was it sustainable?

I'm not so sure

I think I need to start again

To take my time 

And build up my recovery layer by layer 

So that I have reserves

For when things turn sour 

Like now 

I am struggling to hold on to my recovery 

My ED is screaming in my ears these days 

I spoke to my family about it yesterday

For the first time 

They are worried 

As am I 

I was stupid to think that I could lose a few pounds and stop there 

I've lost too much weight in a very short space of time

My body is really suffering 

As is my mental health 

I'm thinking of ringing Mary and asking for a top up appointment 

I've also reached out to friends 

So I'm hoping to get back on track

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Have you ever been caught up in The Hunger Games?

Do you think that anorexia can become a game of who is the sickest? 

What is your experience of this?

Answers on a post card please.....