R is for Recovery!

Recovery is an obvious choice for the letter R

But it's also an important one 

The main thing about recovery 

Is that it's about progress not perfection

And I am so glad for that 

Because I certainly have not perfected recovery 

Who has?

My recovery from drugs started as long as ten years ago

I've had many slips and relapses since then

And now have about a year of continuous recovery

Since my last relapse early last year

My recovery from my ED started two years ago

After I came out of treatment for the umpteenth time

But again 

It most definitely has not been a straight road 

There have been an awful lot of bumps in the road for me

And some might argue that I am not in recovery at all 

As I still purge 

Albeit a whole lot less than I was two years ago 

But bulimia still raises its ugly head from time to time 

The thing is 

That I am doing my level best 

To stay sane

And improve my physical and mental health 

I'm striving for a better life 

For me and my family 

It's taken me a long time to get to the ponit where I wanted to recover

In the midst of the illness

Recovery seems nigh on impossible 

It wasn't something that I wanted to explore 

And I deliberately avoided anything to do with recovery 

But there came a point 

Where I was just not willing to lose any more of my life to my addiction/ED

Where the negatives drastically outweighed the positives

I wasn't living 

I was hanging on by my finger nails to life 

But now 

I am so glad I managed to pull myself out of the rabbit hole 

And am even sorry that I didn't do it years ago 

It seems that as quickly as things can tank

They can also turn around just as quickly 

I can categorically tell you 

That there is life after ED and addiction

I know that recovery can seem so far away

And sometimes it is 

But it starts with the first step

That first leap of faith 

That is the most difficult part

But once you get going 

I promise you 

There will be no stopping you

Baby steps all the way

As I always say

Baby steps soon add up to be great strides 

And breaking it down in to small bite size chunks is much more manageable

As well as improving health and mental health

As well as weight restoration and all the health benefits that come with that 

Recovery also opens up new opportunities

I've done so many things in recovery

That I would never have had the confidence or the courage to do in the midst of my illness

I went on my first date 

I joined classes 

I started going to meetings again

I began horse riding

Which has quickly turned in to a passion

I've done interviews for different publications 

So many wonderful things can happen 

If you can just open your mind 

And your heart 

And take that first step away from the illness

In my ED

It was like being in a prison 

With meagre food portions 

And a punishing exercise routine 

There is nothing enjoyable about living with an ED 

Even the benefits it promises 

Weight loss 

Never works out 

As the goal posts always shift

Today is a good day

This morning I am going in to see the manager of the holiday centre 

Remember the job I applied for?

She rang me yesterday 

And asked me to go in for a chat 

So that is exciting 

I'm really hoping something comes of it

And this afternoon 

I am starting my course 

IT and communications 

I don't know if I'll be able to do it all

But I will give it a go 

And see how I get on 

I still want to leave time for horse riding

The dogs 

blogging 

And my appointments of course 

As these things are the foundation of my recovery 

I have faith though 

That it will all work out the way it's supposed to 

And that's the lovely thing about recovery 

Things seem to all of a sudden fall in to place 

One day everything is up in the air 

And the next it's all slotting together like a jigsaw puzzle

In other news 

I went horse riding yesterday 

Myself and one of the lads are being entered in a competition 

A dressage show 

On May 1st

It's basically a routine with the horse 

Walking 

Trotting

Following a course 

We went through it twice yesterday

If you remember last week

Star was no co operating with me 

He was very reluctant to trot 

So I was given a whip yesterday 

Just to give him a little tap to start off

And lo and behold 

He began to trot when I tapped him

We are rough diamonds myself and Star

But we are slowly but surely forming a little bond 

And finding out way 

At one point when we were trotting 

Star began to go really fast 

Cantering 

It was amazing!

I loved it!

So much fun!

I just wish I could do it more often 

I feel on such a high after riding 

And the time always goes way too quickly 

And this 

The horse riding 

Is only possible by my being somewhat well

I wouldn't be able for it if I was underweight and struggling 

I wouldn't trade all the things in my life for a skinny body 

No way 

Maybe it's that in getting older 

I turn 35 this year 

And I guess I was bound to grow up at some stage 

And an ED is so life and soul draining 

That the older you get 

The sicker you get 

And the harder it is to find recovery 

I know I'm blessed 

I have an amazing family behind me 

Super duper professionals 

Who as a team

Have helped me massively 

And pancreatitis aside 

I've come out of my ED relatively unscathed 

Also economic factors 

I have a secure comfortable place to live 

I don't really have to worry about money 

And those things are massive

So all in all

Recovery is worth 

A hundred times over 

I just wish I could give you a little piece of the happiness I have found 

It's finally happening for me

I am recovering.....

Q is for Quirky!

Q is a bit of a tricky letter

I decided to go with quirky

As it was one of only a few I could think of

I like quirky

Quirky clothes 

Quirky hair

Quirky colours

I especially love quirky people

And I am a bit on the quirky side myself

I can remember growing up

I desperate to belong 

To find people like me

A place where I didn't stick out like a sore thumb

As a teenager 

I experimented with lots of different styles

Preppy

Sporty 

Hippy

Gothic

Prim and proper 

But I never felt I quite belonged to any of them 

I really had no clue who I was 

What I was about 

And what people I wanted to be around

For me 

Clothes are a big part of my identity 

It was only really in my late twenties 

That I found a style I liked

And felt comfortable in

I wear a lot of jeans, hoodies and trainers

But I like quirky ones

Surf type wear 

That relaxed 

Laid back 

And comfortable in style 

I love to meet people who are a little bit different 

People who March to the beat of their own drum

I'm attracted to people who I can be myself around 

As there really aren't many out there 

That's why I get on with my sister so well

She is quirky to the point of being eccentric 

And I love that about her 

She is also bat shit crazy

I know she won't mind me saying that

As I am too

I swear 

Some of the conversations we have are hilarious 

And I've been threatening to put a go-pro camera in the car to capture some of our funnier moments 

A sense of humour is so important I think 

Especially in the darker times 

My family have quite a dark sense of humour 

And it has got us through many of the tougher times 

Without it

I would have gone completely off the wall long ago

Remember in school

When being different or quirky was a bad thing?

It seems like the end of the world when you don't fit in

But as an adult 

It's endearing and interesting to be quirky or different 

Who wants to be like the crowd anyway.....?

P is for Peace!

I'm going to write about peace 

In the context of peace of mind

At meetings 

A lot of talk centres around achieving peace of mind 

As an addict

And as someone who suffers with mental health issues

I have experienced very little peace of mind in my life 

Plus the fact that I am a worrier means my head is rarely quiet

For as long as I can remember 

The has a constant chatter

A running commentary going on in my head

Most of which is negative and repetitive and generally pretty destructive 

Then add an ED in to the mix

Which is also like another voice in your head

And it becomes very difficult to achieve peace of mind 

I am constantly thinking 

Constantly switched on

And am generally thinking about something that did happen 

Or something that is going to happen 

Very rarely am I in the present 

On the moment 

I am almost always in another tense 

I do strive for peace of mind though

And I do get moments of it 

Those moments are sheer bliss 

When the internal chatter stops

And my head is quiet

You can't buy that kind peace 

 To me 

Peace means not worrying about the past 

Letting the past be 

And not beating myself up about it 

It means not projecting in to the future 

Not wishing my life away 

Peace means being happy to live in the present 

To deal with things as they happen 

To live life on life's terms

It means accepting my situation

The good and the bad 

And making the most of it 

Peace means integrity 

Doing the next right thing 

Even when no one is watching 

It means living a life that I can be proud of 

Peace means being present 

Mindful 

Doing the best I can with what I have 

It means laying my head down at night 

Knowing I lived the best life I could have today 

I guess peace is similar to happiness

It's not a constant thing 

But we do get moments of it 

And those moments are priceless

What does peace mean to you?

O is for Orca!

Yes

A total change of direction here 

For as long as I can remember

I have been fascinated by whales

All animals really

But especially whales

It started when I did a project on them in primary school

And the fascination has never left me

There is something so magical about them 

Their sheer size alone is mind boggling

Last night on BBC

There was a documentary on about zoos

Presented by Liz Bonin

That asked the questions

Should we keep animals in captivity?

What are the costs and the benefits?

I wasn't going to watch said documentary

As in the trailer 

It said there were some upsetting scenes

And nothing upsets me more than seeing animals in distress 

I decided to watch it though

As even though it is really upsetting 

I want to be aware of what is happening 

The documentary itself was brilliant

It asked some really tough questions 

About why we keep animals in captivity

Their habitat in captivity 

Their behaviour in captivity as opposed to the wild 

Apparently an elephants life span is cut in half in captivity

They also experience other problems such as obesity 

Rotten teeth 

And foot problems 

All because they have been kept in the wrong sort of conditions 

The documentary also questions about extinction

In the case of the northern white rhino

There are none left in the wild at all

And only five exist in captivity

So

Is it better to keep a species in captivity to keep it alive?

Or should we allow these beautiful animals to die out?

It's a tricky one

But back to whales 

The documentary spoke about the movie Black Fish

The film that focuses on the events that led up to the death of 40 year old Seaworld trainer Dawn Branchaeu in 2010

I haven't seen the movie

As I think it would send me over the edge and traumatise me for life

The name of the whale that killed Dawn Brancheau is called Tilikum

Dawn was rubbing Tilikum as part of a post show routine when the orca grabbed her by her left arm and hair

And dragged her to the bottom of the enclosure

Tilikum scalped her

Broke her bones 

Dismembered her

She drowned 

The third person to have been killed by Tilikum since his capture over 30 years ago

Seaworld declined to take part in the film Black Fish 

But they did agree to an interview for the BBC documentary last night 

We got to meet Tilikum

Who still resides in Sea World

The head vet there 

Argued that Dawn Brancheaus death was a tragic accident 

And not a deliberate attack on her life 

Let's rewind here a little 

So I can give you some history of Tilikum

Tilikum is the largest orca in captivity

Weighing in at 12, 500 pounds

And over 22 feet in length

Tilikum was captured near Iceland

In November 1983

Two years old

He was ripped away from his family and ocean home 

He was covered in lanolin

An oil extracted from sheeps wool which is applied to the orcas whole body to prepare them for a long transport without water

Tilikum has been bought and sold like a commodity since his capture

Held in small holding tanks 

All he could do was swim in small circles and float aimlessly at the surface of the water 

In the wild an orca can cover an area of up to 100 miles a day 

So you can see how disturbing it must be to the whale

In captivity 

Food was held from Tilikum as a training technique

He was forced to perform every hour on the hour 

8 times a day 

7 days a week

On February 21 1991 Sealand trainer Keltie Byrne fell in to a pool containing three orcas including Tilikum

She was pulled to the bottom of the enclosure 

Tossed around among the three orcas

And ultimately drowned 

She was the first of three people to have been killed due to Tilikums stress, confinement and frustration

After the death of Keltie 

Sealand closed its doors for good

And Tilikum was sold to Seaworld

Over the course of Tilikums life at there

He has been involved in multiple acts of aggression 

The stress of captivity also drives him to exhibit abnormal repetitive behaviour

Such as on metal gates and the concrete sides of his tank 

The stress of captivity also drove Tilikum to kill a young trainer called Daniel P Dukes in 1999

Following Dawns tragic death in 2010

Tilikum was kept in a tiny enclosure

After a year of isolation

He returned to performing 

Aggression towards humans by orcas is almost non existent in nature

But the constant stress of living in incompatible social groupings inside minuscule tAnks at Seaworld causes them to lash out

Posing a threat of danger to other whales and employees alike

Having researched this topic today 

And some of the information here was taken directly from Seaworld of Hurts website 

I feel a sense of despair for these animals 

It really upsets me 

In fact cruelty to animals upsets me a lot more than cruelty to people 

I asked myself today

What I can do to help these poor creatures 

And I guess by raising awareness here on my blog is at least something 

I find myself with little pity for those that Tilikum killed

I mean these are wild animals 

Being kept in unsatisfactory conditions 

I'm actually surprised that more people haven't been killed

So I guess we need to ask ourselves some difficult questions

In order to solve this problem 

In my opinion

Seaworld and similar places should be illegal 

No more than dancing bears

Donkey rides

And any other activity that exploits animals for money 

As humans 

We do not own this planet 

Animals have every right to life in the wild  

As it seems keeping them in captivity does not work 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

What do you think about places like Seaworld?

Have you ever been?

And also what do you think about zoos?

I know a lot of you out there are animal lovers like me

So I am interested to hear what you think...

Rest Day

I spent the morning trying to think of words behinning with the letter O

Then I remembered that Sunday is a rest day in the A-Z Challenge

So

I could relax

This week has been exciting 

I got a few promising emails 

And also did an informal chat with an on line media company 

I'm not sure what will come if it

But it's fun just to do it

It never ceases to amaze what can happen when you put yourself out there 

I have been contacted by people the world over

To do interviews

Skype chats 

Writing pieces for publications

It's all fun 

And it's all part of gathering awareness for addiction and EDs 

This month 

I am four years blogging 

It's quite hard to believe

But in other ways 

I feel every bit of the last four years 

I think back to 2012

April 2012

I was 30 years old 

11 years in to my illness

And had been up and down since up until then 

Mostly down if I am honest 

I started looking for blogs on the Internet for like minded people 

I needed to find others who were like me

It's human nature 

The need to know that we are not alone 

The first sure I found was Yummy Secrets 

Some of you will remember this site 

It is no longer active now

I also found Recovering Anorexic over on Wordpress

And both these blogs opened the door to whole host of other blogs 

Some in the midst of their illness

Some recovering 

As well as the usual smattering of pro ana too

I read back on my first posts 

And I write about wanting to lost weight 

Fasting 

Purging 

I know back then I was about 50-54kg

And I wanted to be smaller 

Blogger was so active back then 

There were so many blogs to discover and follow 

I would say that 75% of those are now defunct 

And there are only a handful of us left 

I worry for our community 

That it will die out 

I sincerely hope not though

As I know a lot of us depend on this community and each other 

Over time 

My blog has become more about my struggle to get well

I think ive grown up a little 

Finally says you

But seriously 

It's been an amazing ride

To document everything that's happened in the last four years

To meet and get to know so many lovely people

For you to be part of my story 

And me to have been part of yours

It been like writing a diary 

And sharing it with the world 

I hope my blog has in some small way helped in the plight against EDs and addiction

I am one girl writing a blog

But together I believe we can make a change 

For the better

So Happy Birthday to you today blog!

And long may you last!

N is for Night time!

N was another tricky customer

I was going to go with numb

But then decided on night time 

As I think I can write more about that 

Up until a few years ago

I was most definitely a night person

During my drug using days 

I would typically get up in the evening 

Stay up all night 

And go to bed in the morning 

It wasn't unusual not to see daylight for weeks on end 

When I first started using drugs 

I associated them with night time 

It was some thing you did at night 

At the weekend 

Even when I first started taking heroin

I still associated it with night 

I remember the first time I saw someone using heroin first thing in the morning 

It had never occurred to me to do that 

But it seemed like a good idea

So I started using in the morning too

This is how an addict is made 

My drug use began to bleed in to the day time 

The weekend began to get longer and longer 

Until my drug use became an every day thing 

But

As with everything 

You take the bad with the good

And with heroin 

Comes a physical addiction

It's a cat and mouse game to stay one step ahead of sickness

And I was always playing catch up

And can remember nights when I had no drugs 

And no money to get drugs 

Those nights were sheer torture 

As I've said before 

I was a greedy addict 

And whatever I had 

I took there and then

Leaving nothing for the following day or days 

Withdrawal is a horrific thing 

You will start to withdraw about 24 hours after your last usage 

It starts off quite mild 

Your eyes will begin to stream

Your nose will run 

You will yawn continuously 

Then your muscles will begin to get sore 

A dull ache in your bones that saps the energy right out of you 

By now you will take to the bed

As you won't be able to do anything other than lie down and wait it out 

You will sweat profusely 

Alternating between hot and cold

The sheets of your bed will be damp with the sweat 

What ever way you lie 

You can't get comfortable 

And even though you are mentally and physically wrecked 

Sleep eludes you 

Then comes the stomach cramps 

The vomiting 

The diarrhoea 

As the last remnants of the drug leaves your body 

You are now in full blown withdrawal

You are climbing the walls 

Hallucinating with fever 

It feels like your body is trying to turn inside out 

If only you had the drug 

One smoke 

One turn on

Could put an end to all of this 

The night is endless 

And everything seems worse at night 

You are lonely 

So alone 

It seems like you are the only one in the whole world who is awake 

The nightmare goes on 

Until you find someone you can borrow money off 

Or you manage to drag yourself out of bed to find money somehow 

And when you finally get the drug

The feeling of the sickness draining out of your body is the best feeling ever

You immediately stop sweating 

The ache in your bones vanishes 

The mental torture subsides 

All is well 

Until the next time 

Over the years 

I have turned from a night owl 

In to a morning bird 

Nowadays 

I don't stay up past midnight 

And I am up between 7am and 8am every morning 

I like to go out and do my bits and pieces in the morning 

There is something lovely about that time of the day 

When there are only a few people around 

When it's still and quiet

And the world hasn't quite woken up yet 

When the surfers 

Dog walkers 

And runners are all about 

It's a magical time of the day

Night time can be magical too

But I just don't have energy or the inclination to be a night owl any more 

Which are you

A night owl

Or a morning bird?

M is for Mind!

I had a couple of things in mind for the letter M

Like my Mother 

Or Mary

But I think I will keep those for W for Women 

So mind it is 

I am grateful 

So very grateful

That my mind has stayed in tact

Despite my best efforts to self destruct 

I've pushed my body and my mind to its limits over the years 

And managed to reach recovery relatively unscathed 

My mind continues to be sharp

And continues to be curious and inquisitive 

Pushing me to learn more everyday

I think my mind as it is, is a result of nature and nurture 

I was born with my mind 

And over the years It has grown and matured

My mind allows me to do so much 

It allows me to question what I don't understand 

To think deeply 

To be sensitive and emphatic 

It allows me to be open minded 

To think outside of the box 

To learn 

To study 

To work 

It allows me to make sense of the world 

To form my own views and opinions 

To be adventurous 

To devour knowledge 

To read 

To write 

To be me

To be quirky 

Eccentric 

To talk 

To listen 

To laugh 

A cry 

It allows me to feel emotion 

It is where all my thoughts and ideas are formed 

I feel blessed to have all that I have 

Including my mind 

Without it 

I surely wouldn't have made it this far