Wednesday 20 April 2016

R is for Recovery!

Recovery is an obvious choice for the letter R
But it's also an important one 
The main thing about recovery 
Is that it's about progress not perfection
And I am so glad for that 
Because I certainly have not perfected recovery 
Who has?
My recovery from drugs started as long as ten years ago
I've had many slips and relapses since then
And now have about a year of continuous recovery
Since my last relapse early last year
My recovery from my ED started two years ago
After I came out of treatment for the umpteenth time
But again 
It most definitely has not been a straight road 
There have been an awful lot of bumps in the road for me
And some might argue that I am not in recovery at all 
As I still purge 
Albeit a whole lot less than I was two years ago 
But bulimia still raises its ugly head from time to time 
The thing is 
That I am doing my level best 
To stay sane
And improve my physical and mental health 
I'm striving for a better life 
For me and my family 

It's taken me a long time to get to the ponit where I wanted to recover
In the midst of the illness
Recovery seems nigh on impossible 
It wasn't something that I wanted to explore 
And I deliberately avoided anything to do with recovery 
But there came a point 
Where I was just not willing to lose any more of my life to my addiction/ED
Where the negatives drastically outweighed the positives
I wasn't living 
I was hanging on by my finger nails to life 
But now 
I am so glad I managed to pull myself out of the rabbit hole 
And am even sorry that I didn't do it years ago 
It seems that as quickly as things can tank
They can also turn around just as quickly 
I can categorically tell you 
That there is life after ED and addiction
I know that recovery can seem so far away
And sometimes it is 
But it starts with the first step
That first leap of faith 
That is the most difficult part
But once you get going 
I promise you 
There will be no stopping you
Baby steps all the way
As I always say
Baby steps soon add up to be great strides 
And breaking it down in to small bite size chunks is much more manageable

As well as improving health and mental health
As well as weight restoration and all the health benefits that come with that 
Recovery also opens up new opportunities
I've done so many things in recovery
That I would never have had the confidence or the courage to do in the midst of my illness
I went on my first date 
I joined classes 
I started going to meetings again
I began horse riding
Which has quickly turned in to a passion
I've done interviews for different publications 
So many wonderful things can happen 
If you can just open your mind 
And your heart 
And take that first step away from the illness
In my ED
It was like being in a prison 
With meagre food portions 
And a punishing exercise routine 
There is nothing enjoyable about living with an ED 
Even the benefits it promises 
Weight loss 
Never works out 
As the goal posts always shift

Today is a good day
This morning I am going in to see the manager of the holiday centre 
Remember the job I applied for?
She rang me yesterday 
And asked me to go in for a chat 
So that is exciting 
I'm really hoping something comes of it
And this afternoon 
I am starting my course 
IT and communications 
I don't know if I'll be able to do it all
But I will give it a go 
And see how I get on 
I still want to leave time for horse riding
The dogs 
blogging 
And my appointments of course 
As these things are the foundation of my recovery 
I have faith though 
That it will all work out the way it's supposed to 
And that's the lovely thing about recovery 
Things seem to all of a sudden fall in to place 
One day everything is up in the air 
And the next it's all slotting together like a jigsaw puzzle

In other news 
I went horse riding yesterday 
Myself and one of the lads are being entered in a competition 
A dressage show 
On May 1st
It's basically a routine with the horse 
Walking 
Trotting
Following a course 
We went through it twice yesterday
If you remember last week
Star was no co operating with me 
He was very reluctant to trot 
So I was given a whip yesterday 
Just to give him a little tap to start off
And lo and behold 
He began to trot when I tapped him
We are rough diamonds myself and Star
But we are slowly but surely forming a little bond 
And finding out way 
At one point when we were trotting 
Star began to go really fast 
Cantering 
It was amazing!
I loved it!
So much fun!
I just wish I could do it more often 
I feel on such a high after riding 
And the time always goes way too quickly 
And this 
The horse riding 
Is only possible by my being somewhat well
I wouldn't be able for it if I was underweight and struggling 
I wouldn't trade all the things in my life for a skinny body 
No way 
Maybe it's that in getting older 
I turn 35 this year 
And I guess I was bound to grow up at some stage 
And an ED is so life and soul draining 
That the older you get 
The sicker you get 
And the harder it is to find recovery 
I know I'm blessed 
I have an amazing family behind me 
Super duper professionals 
Who as a team
Have helped me massively 
And pancreatitis aside 
I've come out of my ED relatively unscathed 
Also economic factors 
I have a secure comfortable place to live 
I don't really have to worry about money 
And those things are massive
So all in all
Recovery is worth 
A hundred times over 
I just wish I could give you a little piece of the happiness I have found 
It's finally happening for me
I am recovering.....


10 comments:

  1. A very happy read! I am so glad you are doing so well :)

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  2. It will be good for you to work. The alphabet challenge has shown how much of your life, past and present, is defined by illness and it's your narrative about your life. Every post has been almost a chronology of illness because that's what your life has been defined by. Maybe if you were to work, you'd start to move away from this identity and narrative and have other more "normal" experiences. It's safe to have horse riding and appointments and dogs etc. But it keeps you trapped in living an illness wouldn't it be nicer to be living alongside having an illness or even without illness being such a major feature of every thing you do and say and are stuck in? There is a whole non-ed/drug/illness community out there which can be just as supportive and actually healthier.

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    Replies
    1. such a clever comment! That is what i thought was the best thing about my recovery:"whole non-ed/drug/illness community out there which can be just as supportive and actually healthier" I did not want to believe it at the time, but it proofed to be so true. I hope you are ready to take it to heart, darling Ruby!Best of luck with everything!You can do it!

      xx

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    2. It's true Anonymous
      And I probably am not fully aware of how much I identify myself by my illness
      I guess I've been this way for such a long time
      I don't know how else to be
      I am learning though
      And slowly but surely I am pulling away from the illness
      Change is hard though
      And it's safe to go back to my illness

      I have an update on the job situation
      Which I will write about tomorrow hopefully
      Thanks for your honesty
      It is appreciated x

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    3. Thanks Julia
      You are sweet and kind x

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  3. Replies
    1. Ha!!
      I know
      I'm a danger to horses and society....x

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  4. You've come a long way, and you're still making big strides forward. I hope you can work everything out so that you can do the job and the course and still keep up with riding and meetings and everything else. All about finding a good balance, I guess. How are things going with curbing the purging? It seems like that's the biggest hurdle for you at the moment, but health-wise it's probably one of the most important issues you really need to tackle.

    You can do it. You've come too far not to go even farther.

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Thank you for leaving some love x