Christmas First Aid Kit!

Christmas is fast approaching






I know a lot of us will struggle at this time of year
So it's important that we stick together over the next few weeks



 Be there for another



Support each other



We know exactly what each other is going though

We know how to help

We know what to say

Because we going through it too

We may be miles and oceans apart



But we are all connected through the common thread of our illness








So if you are dreading this Christmas know that you are not alone



We are all here for you

Remember to be kind to yourself




Remember to be gentle with yourself

Remember that you are strong

That you can get through it



Remember that you can eat and not feel guilty

You can enjoy yourself and not feel self conscious



You can live life on your terms



You can live without anorexia or bulimia

In fact life will be better

Remember that you are strong



Stronger than the demons that plague you

They will get tired some day and give up



On Christmas day remember not to put pressure in yourself

To just do what you feel comfortable with

Remember it is just another day

And it's only 24 hours

We can do anything for 24 hours

Remember that you are precious

That there is only one of you

You can never be replaced

You are unique



Remember that you can do anything

Anything you set your mind to

We won't be beaten by our demons

We are stronger than them

You deserve to be happy

To be well

To live the life you've always dreamed of





Remember that you are loved

Help!

I'm sorry
All I can say is I'm sorry
I'm failing miserably at recovery
I feel like I'm letting everyone down
This has been building for the last couple of weeks and came to a head this weekend
I saw Mary on Friday morning
I was going to cancel so I wouldn't have to be weighed but I need all the support I can get before I go away so I went
I hadn't been weighed in 2 or 3 weeks
And in those weeks I was convinced that I had put on 3 - 4 kilos
I felt bigger
I felt like there was more of me
That I was taking up more space
And of course the mirror tells me that I am fat
I would have staked my life on the fact that I had put on weight
So Mary weighed me but I didn't look
She spent half an hour talking me in to hearing the number and I finally relented
My heart thumped in anticipation
I was dying to know but I also couldn't stand to know

'You haven't gained Ruby'

'In fact you've lost'

What the?
After the initial shock, relief flooded through my body
I couldn't actually believe it
How could I have got it so wrong?
But then I've never been good at judging my own weight

It just goes to show that I can not trust the way I feel
Or the mirror
Or even my own eyes
Would I like to  lose more weight?
Yes
In my head I am fat no matter what the scale says
The cruel thing about this illness is that we never get to enjoy the one thing that we crave the most because we never believe we are thin enough

Trying to shake this thing is harder than I ever imagined
This eating disorder just won't seem to let me go
Or rather I won't let go of it
It's like a poison invading my body and mind
Mary says that I will get out of therapy what I put in
I do want to get well
Or more like I want to want to get well

There is a girl I used to meet when I was walking my dogs
She was extremely thin and power walked up and down the beach
I would meet her everyday rain, hail or shine
Then all of a sudden she disappeared
I often wondered what had happened to her
Did she get better?
Did she finally get tired of pounding the pavement everyday?
Did she die?
I hoped and prayed that she was in recovery
But then on Friday while I was walking my dogs in the pouring rain I saw a familiar figure walking towards me
It was her
As thin as ever
I wanted to run up to her and wrap her in a hug and tell her that I know what she is going through
That I know exactly how she feels
The sick part of wants to join her

All these things have massively triggered me
I binged and purged my way through Friday like it was going out of fashion
But I'm ashamed to say that I haven't eaten since Saturday
Every minute of every day is filled with thoughts of

'Will I eat?'

''When can I eat?'

'What can I eat?'

And then eating nothing
I have to admit that those old  feelings came flooding back
The emptiness
The power
The control
The lightheadedness
The anorectic in me is  having a ball
But in my heart I know that this is wrong
It's wrong
I hate it but I love it
I don't want it but I want it
I want to stop but I can't
I know  that it's wrong but it feels good
I feel hugely guilty
It feels like when I used drugs when I was supposed to be clean
The butterflies in my tummy
It's terrifying but thrilling

My behaviours are all over the place
Abusing my meds again
Barely leaving the house
Shoplifting
Lather, rinse, repeat
I swear if I put as much as much energy in to recovery as I do in to my illness I would be well on my way
I know what I need to do but fear and anxiety keep me paralysed
I sat in the living room last night
It was dark apart from the twinkling Christmas lights that I put up the day before
I would've cried if I wasn't so numb
I don't know where to go from here

Help

Please

Do you ever......

Do you ever feel like you are falling?
Falling slowly and you can't stop yourself?



Do you ever feel like you are drowning?
In deep, black water?
So cold it takes your breath away?



Do you ever feel like screaming?
But you open your mouth and nothing comes out?



Do you ever feel so alone even though you are surrounded by people?

Do you ever feel so afraid?
So afraid that you are paralysed by fear?



Do you ever feel like giving up?
Holding up a white flag and surrendering?




Do you ever feel hopeless?
So hopeless that you can't see the point of anything

Do you ever feel so desperate that you are hanging on by your fingertips?
Do you ever feel so broken that you feel that you are beyond repair?



Do you ever feel sick and tired of feeling sick and tired?

Do you ever feel like sleeping forever?




Do you ever wake up and dread the day ahead?

Do you ever feel like happiness is a distant memory?

Have you forgotten what it feels like to laugh?

Do you ever feel so over whelmed that you can't think straight?

Do you ever struggle to find reasons to keep going?

Do you ever fantasize about your own death?




Do you ever feel like you are just existing and not living

I do

But did you know that you are stronger than you realise



You are beautiful inside and out




This thing won't break us

Everyday we are getting stronger

Everyday that we fight we are winning this battle

We are suffering but every time we fall down, we will get back up

We feel so alone but we have each other



We are not victims, we are survivors

We feel pain but because of that we have the ability to feel happy

And we will one day

One day this will all make sense

It will all become clear

Then we will see that we did not suffer in vain

That there is a reason for all this

We are shining stars in a black sky

We will love and be loved

We will let our demons go and replace them with angels

We have strength in each other



We will get to where we want to be

We will