Raining cats and dogs

It's pouring from the heavens here this morning.
One of my dogs just flat refused to go beyond the back door.
I was trying to entice her in to my car but she is too clever for me, she just got straight back in to her bed and cuddled up while me and my other dog braved the driving rain.
I don't blame her though, I would have gladly gone back to bed myself this morning.

I'm dying to know what my weight is.
I haven't been weighed since Mary weighed me last week.
I could easily do it right now but I'm so afraid I've gained and I just can't handle that today.
I think I'll wait until Mary comes back next week.
When she told me she was taking a week of so I wouldn't see her for 2 weeks, I thought to myself ooh I wonder how much I can lose in 2 weeks. I have sick fantasies of her saying to me 'Ruby you've lost weight since I saw you last' and her weighing me and being shocked at my weight loss.
I know that is very twisted but that's the way my mind is working today.
I've been on my own in the house for 3 days now so the binging and purging has been out of control.
It's binge city around here.
Population me.
So I've decided to put a stop to it today.
I didn't buy/steal any binge food and there's none in the house (I've eaten it all)
I also popped a diet pill just now.
I only use these pills as a very last resort as they make me feel quite sick but they are one of the only things that stop the binging and purging in it's tracks so I'm willing to put up with a queasy tummy.
This behaviour is all very messed up and I realize that.
I just want a break from bulimia.
She is wearing me down and I can't do it anymore
Anorexia is not much better but it's the lesser of two evils today.

My support group is on this evening.
My mother called yesterday to ask if I was going.
I want to, I really want to but I already know I won't go.
Going means I'm choosing recovery and I don't know if I'm ready.
I want to want recovery if that makes sense but I'm just not there yet.
I suppose if I waited until I was ready I would never go but if I go back to this group I want to be 100% committed and I know I'm not.
Pride is also stopping me, I don't want to have to admit I fucked up again, I don't want to admit that I need help even though I so clearly do.
I was one of the people who set up this particular group and then I abandoned it.
I have huge guilt over this.
Do any of you go to a support group?
By the way the group I'm talking about is Narcotics Anonymous.

Also I'm supposed to be going to Dublin this Saturday to meet up with my treatment friends and stay the night with one of them.
I'm in 2 minds whether to go or not.
I would love to see them and spend time with them but my eating disorder does not want to go.
What will I eat?
What if I need to purge?
How will I handle being away over night what with my binging and everything?
As much as I don't like to admit it, I don't want them to see I've gained weight.
The last time they say me was in hospital when my weight was lower.
It's weird but now I've been given the diagnosis of anorexia I feel I have to live up to this label.
I know my friends don't judge me because of my weight but I judge myself.
I think people often think because you've gained some weight that you must be better but I'm not better, if anything I'm worse.
I can feel the diet pill kicking in now, I feel a bit light headed and speedy, they  are strong.
So I'd love to know what you think, if you were me would you go to Dublin?
And also how do you deal with travelling with your eating disorder?
Someone suggested to me that I leave it at home but how I wish it were that simple
I'm afraid where I go it goes too
This is why I don't venture far from my house, I don't really feel comfortable eating anywhere else so I don't travel too far.
This is another negative of my eating disorder.
Ok I'm going to go before I go off on a drug induced tangent and make absolutely no sense.
I'd love to hear what you think about Dublin.

Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx

Dedicated follower of fashion

First I want to say a BIG thank you to all who commented on my last post.
It makes it that bit easier knowing you girls are behind me. It's easy to feel alone with  this illness and I don't feel so alone now.

This morning was one of those mornings where I just didn't want to get out of bed, I was dreading the day ahead, another day that bulimia would have me in a headlock.
I just wanted to sleep forever.
But I can't, I'm grateful to have 2 lovely doggies who depend on me so I have to get up.
I'm fine once I get up, it's just the thought of getting up I hate.
If I didn't have those dogs I would probably never leave the house
When I can't find a reason to get up, I get up for them
When I want to hide in my house, I get out because I have to walk them and once I get out of the house I feel a lot better.

The Italy trip is just over 5 weeks away, it has really crept up on me.
My eating disorder doesn't want me to go,
My eating disorder is dreading this trip
All my mothers side of the family will be there and there will be lots of lunches and lots of meals out
I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go to all these meals as I find eating out a chore
I get overwhelmed by the choice on the menu and never know what to order, that's if I do order
Then when I'm eating I'm paranoid people are looking at me to see what I've eaten
And when I'm finished eating then comes the urge to purge
Unfortunately being in a restaurant doesn't stop me purging, I've learned to be very quiet but it is a messy business and then sometimes the toilets don't flush well
This happened to me once when I was in London staying with my aunt, we went out for dinner and I purged in the bathroom, the toilet wouldn't flush so I panicked and just covered the sick with tissue
Disgusting
And when I came out of the stall my aunt was there waiting to go in
I don't know if she copped on but she didn't say anything if she did.
Also on that trip I broke the flush on the toilet in their house trying desperately to get rid of the evidence.
It's just that much harder to purge when your away from home
I know what your thinking 'so don't purge at all'
Yes this would be ideal, I'll try and get some control over it before I go
I'll me meeting lots of family on this trip and this brings up a lot of anxiety for me, maybe I'm wrong but I think they judge how well I am by how I look or how much I weigh so if I'm a regular weight they presume I'm fine but as I've said lots of times, I was equally sick at 130lbs as I was at 77lbs.
I'm somewhere in between at the moment so I presume they will think I'm in recovery although every time they see me I'm a different weight
Also I'm not bringing a partner and everyone else will be there with theirs
I guess what I'm saying is I compare myself to my cousins and other members of my family
They all have degrees, jobs, partners and here I am nearly 30 and I have none of these things
I often have this thought, that I am 30 and have nothing to show for it, just weight loss, weight gain and multiple admissions to hospital and treatment.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself here, it's just a fact

I spoke about feeling anxious about this trip to Mary, she asked me what would make it easier for me and I said if I had some nice clothes to wear  I might feel better about myself so she suggested I but some new clothes. I have my dress for the wedding so that's sorted but I need skirts and dresses and shorts.
After I walked the dogs this morning I went to a cute little shop in town. It's a surf shop but they do lovely little skirts and stuff. I saw a few things I likes and brought them in to the dressing room.
Now I've mentioned before that I don't like shopping or trying on clothes because I hate having to look at my body but I sucked  it up today and went for it.
I brought in 4 items and after I had tried on 2 I couldn't stand it any longer and didn't try on anything else.
I hated what I saw in the mirror, even though the clothes were small all I could see was my vast stomach.
This is where I need you ladies help
What sort of things should I bring to Italy. Bear in mind it will be hot.
I'm 5'4, small frame and my hair is brown now but will be blonde for the trip
You all gave me great suggestions for my dress so I know you'll be able to help me with this
I know a lot of you are dedicated followers of fashion so I would really appreciate your help
I just know I would be a lot more comfortable over there knowing I was wearing nice clothes
All suggestions welcome

I feel huge urges to restrict today but I know that will just lead to a binge
I am sick and tired of binging and purging
I swear I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
Please bulimia fuck off and leave me alone
I can't take much more of the binging and purging
Its doing my head in
I hate the power food has over me and I know my eating disorder wants me dead, no number will ever be low enough.
It's a cruel, cruel illness
I don't understand why anyone would actually want this illness
If they think it is glamorous or romantic, come walk a day in my shoes
What is glamorous about vomit hitting you in the face as it splashes in to the toilet
What is romantic about purging in to a plastic bag because  you can't get to a bathroom
What is nice about chewing and spitting your food out
This illness is so similar to drug addiction, the lying, the plotting, the scheming, the secrets
Same shit, different substance
I want to stop but I can't
I'm caught in the web of anorexia//bulimia and I can't get free
Spend a day with me and then tell me you want an eating disorder

I'd love to hear your suggestions about clothes for Italy,

Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx

Pros and cons

I am quickly finding out that recovery does not just happen, just wanting it is not enough,
I actually have to do something, change behaviours, eat and not purge
I have to be honest and admit that things have not gone quite to plan (not that I made a plan, maybe I should have) Yesterday I took my meds properly and gave half of them to my mother but she is now gone until Thursday and I'm here on my own.
No one would know if I took extra
I'm not seeing Mary this week, she's on holidays
So yes I took extra
Not good
I walked my dogs  in the woods this morning and then went to the shop, I bought some binge food and shoplifted other food.
Not good
This feeling reminds me of when I was on drugs
I wanted to stop but didn't know how
This eating disorder feels like a runaway train and I am powerless to stop it
To get things clearer in my head I'm going to make a list of the things I've lost to my ed and also the pros of my ed and the pro of recovery

Things I've lost to my eating disorder

- First I've lost 11 years of my life to this illness, 11 years that could've been very different
- Friends, I've pushed all my recovery friends away, it's impossible to have a social life with this illness
- Family, it has affected my relationship with family and some including my sister have pulled away
- Health, I have not had a period in years, my potassium is often low, I get tired easily, my bones are affected, I'm sure purging has affected my health too
- Fertility? Having not had a period in years I don't know if I can have children, this scares me
- Mood, I suffer from bouts of depression
- I'm cold all the time
- I get anxiety a lot and don't want to leave the house
- Pride and dignity
- Independence, I move back in with my mother 5 years ago as I wasn't able to manage on my own financially or emotionally
- I've lost the opportunity to go to college, get an education, have a social life, have a boyfriend, get married, to have a job
- Fun. As I wrote recently I miss laughing and can remember the last time I laughed, over a year ago
- Opportunity, having lost out on so much time, I lost the opportunity to travel, to study, to learn, to realise my potential
- I've lost all confidence in myself
- My self esteem is non existent
- My belief in myself has been shaken
- All Hope as almost been lost
- It has affected my mind and my personality


Pros of my eating disorder

- I would like to be able to say I'm thin but of course I don't think I'm thin so that is hard to say
- I get to escape reality
- It's  something I'm good at
- It gives me a goal to work towards
-The euphoria of losing weight
- The feeling of my clothes getting baggier
- Dare I say it, it makes me feel special
- It's my go to coping mechanism
- It defines me
- I feel in control
- It's my comfort zone
- I don't have to deal with life
- I feel numb to emotions


Pros of recovery

- My health will improve greatly
- My mood will improve
- I'll go back to my support group
- I'll have friends again
- My family won't have to worry
- No more inpatient
- No purging
- Engaging in hobbies again like dancing
- My period will hopefully return and hopefully can have children
- The opportunity to go back to college, to study, to travel, to work
- My quality of life will improve
-Maybe able to help others
- My anxiety might lessen
- Hopefully confidence and self esteem will improve
- I'll get to know me
- I'll get to realise my potential
- My personality and rational mind will return


So yes, all these things tell me that recovery is the way to go but my old friends fear, anxiety, guilt and resentment keep me stuck where I am. My belief in myself is a huge one, maybe if I believed in myself a little more I wouldn't feel such overwhelming anxiety about re-engaging with life.
The last job I had was teaching hip-hop to children. I had no experience of hip-hop so I bought dvds and taught myself. I then set up 3 classes and did it for about a year and a half. We did 3 shows in that time.
But after a cruel comment from a parent telling us we were 'shit' I started to lose confidence.
Then I lost complete confidence and started to dread the classes so I tool some time off and still haven't gone
back. That was over a year ago.
I would dearly love to go back but I can't seem to muster up the courage.
Maybe someday.
I'm just terrified that life will chew me up and spit me back out and it is easier to stay where I am rather than take a risk. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I would love to know if any of you have suggestions as to how you started your recovery. I'm sure it's different for everyone but what helped you?
I'd love to know

Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx

Monday morning blues

Usual Monday morning routine today.
Doctors appointment first thing this morning.
As I've said before he doesn't always stick to talking about medical topics. Today he spent about 10 minutes talking about a political show that was shown in this country in the 1980''s.
I have no idea why or what he was talking about.
He didn't ask me about the meds but he did ask me if I'm still purging (or puking as he so delicately puts it)
I told him I was but he didn't say anything. He doesn't seem to be worried.
So why should I?
It is a sad fact of this country that you have to be literally dying of malnutrition to get proper help or at least for them to take notice. My weight is not critically low and my bloods are normal so my doctor seems to have no reason to be concerned.
Sometimes I think I would love him to spend a day with me and see the true nature of my eating disorder.
The morning weigh in that dictates my mood for the day.
Shopping for (stealing) binge food.
Restricting all day until I can't stand it any longer and finally break out and start binging and purging.
Marching endlessly up and down from my kitchen to my bathroom.
Maybe he would take the situation more seriously if he spent just an hour inside my head.
He would experience the neverending obsession over food and weight.
I know he is just a GP and does not have the insight that Mary does but it makes me feel like I'm not really sick when he fobs me off. I guess I'm lucky to have Mary, she knows the score.

It wasn't until I was in the chemist that I realised he had given me a weeks worth of medication when I was only supposed to get 3 days. So know I have the temptation of overtaking them.
I haven't so far but I am in the house on my own until Thursday so I can't give them to anyone.
I'm determined to take them properly though.
One good effect of taking them correctly this week is that my sleep has greatly improved and I think my mood was better too.

I've been toying with the idea of recovery for the last few days but I have to admit I have made no concrete moves, it's just a thought at the moment.
It's not like I don't know what to do, I just keep putting it off
My ex-sponsor used to say to me 'if you don't know what to do, do the opposite of what you think you should do'. This was a simple but effective tool for me. If I think I should skip lunch, eat lunch.
If I think I don't want to go to a meeting, get my ass to a meeting.
As I said before anxiety and fear are stopping me from  going for it.
It really is a leap of faith and I'm trying to muster the courage to take it.
My eating disorder is a full time job with no days off and no holiday. I work for my eating disorder all week ie restricting, purging, exercise and I expect to get a fat pay check at the end of the week ie weight loss.
If I take the eating disorder away I have to fill the void it will leave with other things.
I guess this is how 'normal' people live, they have jobs, courses, relationships, hobbies, friends, holidays,pets.
I suppose I need to find things that interest and excite me as much as my eating disorder.
Even in treatment I have never managed to get the purging under control, it really is a powerful addiction.
The anxiety I feel after eating is overwhelming.
For example yesterday was my sisters birthday and she came to ours for her dinner.
I wanted to be there and ate with them but the second I was finished I  had the compulsion to purge.
I knew they would know if I got up straight away so I tried to wait a few minutes but I couldn't even concentrate on what they were saying and I didn't last 2 minutes. I feel great relief after I purge.
Mary told me that at most we only manage to purge 60% of what we eat but even knowing this does not make me stop.
I binged and purged about 6 times last night and finally collapsed on the couch where I promptly fell asleep exhausted afterwards.

Also the shoplifting is still a problem. I stole bacon today.
I don't know what it will take to make me stop.

I mentioned my sister yesterday and today. She is 5 years older than me and lives just down the road, she has an 11 year old son. She has been in recovery from alcoholism for the last 6 years.
We are not that close and usually communicate through my mother.
She very much does her own thing and doesn't get too involved in family stuff.
I definitely get on better with my other brother and sister.
I've realised recently that I have a huge resentment against her for a couple of reasons.
She doesn't allow me to babysit my nephew and this really hurts me. I asked her a long time ago why and she told me it was because I was sick and she was afraid something would happen.
I can sort of understand that but I'm a lot physically stronger now and could manage a lot better.
I love my nephew and I want to be close with him and not being allowed babysit him,gets me down.
I think another reason I hold a resentment against her is that I see a lot of myself in her, the addictive nature, the anxiety, the self obsession and all these things I hate about myself I see so clearly in her and it's like looking in a mirror and seeing all the negatives about me.
You would think that we'd have a lot in common what with us both being addicts but we struggle to hold a conversation. I hate the fact I can't get over this resentment, I wish I could let it go, it definitely affects my relationship with my nephew.
I was wondering about you, do you harbour resentments against a family member?
How does affect your relationship? I'd love to know

I have huge urges to restrict today.
The wedding is in 6 weeks and it looms heavily over me.
It triggers me massively to want to lose weight.
It makes me think I should put recovery on hold until it's over but that is just an excuse.
I know restricting just sets me up to binge but I still crave the feeling of being empty.
This is where the seduction of the eating disorder tricks.
It is similar to an abuser, it grooms me and seduces me into believing that anorexia is romantic and glamorous and that being thin is the way to happiness and success.
Then like an abuser once it lures me in it turns on me and shows it's true colours but by then it's too late and I am held hostage by this illness.
I don't understand why anyone would want this illness.
There is nothing romantic or glamorous about it.
What is romantic about vomit hitting you in the face as it splashes into the toilet,
What is glamorous about rotten teeth, constipation, grey skin and hair falling out
We don't even get to enjoy being thin as we are never thin enough.
There is nothing beautiful or successful about it.

I hope this post finds you well today,
Thanks for reading this and as always much love to you xxx

Life V Death

First I want to say a massive thank you for all your comments yesterday, they were so positive and encouraging and I'm so happy to know that you are behind me in this.
I don't feel so alone anymore.

The lovely Fiona over at 'Faith and Meouw'  made a really interesting point in her comment.
It's not so much a choice between eating disorder and recovery as it is a decision between life and death.
This really made sense to me.
For the longest time I've had a passive deathwish. Welcoming death but not actively seeking it.
Sometimes when I'm driving I drive so fast that I'm willing myself to crash,
When I overtake my meds I hope that I will slip into a coma,
When I purge 15 times a day I'm hoping my heart will give out.
When I'm walking my dogs up the cliffs I'm hoping a gust of wind will carry me over the edge.
Sometimes I wish I was hurt, like maybe break my leg, then I would have to go into hospital and all the nurses will look after me and I can live in the bubble that is hospital.
It's sounds childish but I want to be minded.
I guess it's wanting to escape from reality and escape from me,
My reality at the moment is restricting all day then binging and purging all night, who wouldn't want to escape from that. And when you don't like yourself very much you just want to unzip your skin and step out of it.

So where do I go from here?
How do I start recovery?
I honestly don't know.
That's a lie of course I know.
It's morning here, I could start with breakfast
Mary is always asking me to plan my meals the day before but I never do it
Eating something would be a good start
Ok I can do that if I really try
Stopping the purging would be great, I need to distract myself after eating so I don't feel enormous anxiety
Ok I can try that too, it'll be hard but I'll try
It's my sisters birthday today so she is coming down for her dinner, I'm anxious about this but I will eat with them and just see how I get on. (Remember the bubble bath I stole? I'll be giving her that as a gift, how ashamed do I feel?)
My relationship with this sister is strained but I write about that another time
All I can do is try today

Another thing I can do is go back to my support group. It's on Thursday.
I plan to ring a friends and go together so I can't back out like I usually do
I'm going to find this hugely anxiety provoking but like with a lot of things with me it's the thought of doing something that creates anxiety not the actual thing itself.

I had a phonecall from a girl I was in treatment with yesterday.
She is planning to go to Dublin next Saturday to meet up with the others.
She invited me to travel with her and spend the night at her place.
She has asked before but I never took her up on her offer.
I would love to do this as I got on with this girl very well, the only thing stopping me going is my eating disorder. My ed hates me being away from my house, it is comfortable there.
I told her I would ring her during the week for definite but I think I'm going to go.
I went through treatment with these people, they know me so well.
They know I purge, they know I'm addicted to twix bars, they know my drug history.
This girl I'm staying with also has an eating disorder but she purges through exercise.
I would say she is addicted to exercise.
I'd love to know what you think? Would you go if you were me?

I was thinking about my cousin who is getting married, we were saying she'll probably get pregnant pretty soon. This got me thinking about myself. I lost my twenties to addiction and eating disorders, do I really want to lose my thirties too? I'm of the age where people I know are getting married and having kids.
Do I want that? I'm not sure but I definitely want love, definitely want to fall in love.
I want the chance to be able to do these things
I don't want to lose anything else to this illness, I've lost enough
In a lot of ways I still feel 20 because I haven't gone through the things people usually go through in their twenties but in other ways I feel way more than 29, I feel I've lived a thousand lives
What about you, what have you lost to your eating disorder?
Are you willing to risk losing more?

I don't think I want to die today, apart from anything else it would break my families heart
That is enough to keep me from dying today

On a positive note, I've taken my meds properly the last few days, the system with my mother giving them to me seems to be working.

Thanks for reading this and as always lots of love to you xxx

To recover or not to recover

That is the question

I'm sill feeling hopeful today
.
Yesterdays meeting went better than I thought.
I didn't realise how much my eating disorder was affecting my mother.
I didn't realise she was doing her best to detach and look after herself.
She has been around her fair share of addicts, my father, my fathers family, my sisters and now me.
She used to be an enabler but now she knows that doesn't work
She spoke yesterday of how she is not getting any younger and won't be around forever and she worries what will happen when she is gone.
I don't like thinking about this, my worst fear since I've been a child is that my mother will die but she will die one day and what will I do then.
I live in her house, she supports me in lots of different ways, ways I can't support myself.
I need to be able to look after myself, to be independent. I can't rely on her forever.
So what do I do?

Feeling hopeful does not mean my eating disorder has gone away. I binged and purged multiple times yesterday but it does make me think recovery might be an option, it makes me think that maybe I should go back to my support group. All the signs all telling me to go back, the universe is screaming at me that it is the right thing to do. My old recovery friend contacted me, my treatment friends contacted me.
I was out for a short time yesterday and I ran into 3 people I used to know, 2 I used to work with and 1 from the support group I used to go. All people from my old life when I was happier.
I don't know if they are signs but I took them as signs. I usually never meet anyone when I'm out.
So what's stopping me from going back to recovery?
Step up my 2 old sparring partners fear and anxiety
I would truly love to go back to my support group, I helped set up that group and them I left them.
But I have been in and out of recovery so many times that I don't want to go back unless I am sure I am going to give it a really good go, this is where anxiety comes in. I'm anxious of what everyone will think of me having fucked up again. I know they will probably be happy to see me but the anxiety is still there.
I think of myself as socially handicapped, I feel awkward a lot of the time around people.
My mother told me yesterday that I'm good around people and you would never know I was anxious but I don't feel that way.
Then there is my old buddy fear.
I have a huge fear of life without my eating disorder.
How will I cope with real life after being in addiction for over 10 years?
I fear everything that comes with real life, relationships, college, jobs etc
I fear that I will fail miserably at life.
I guess that means I don't have much belief in myself.
My eating disorder gives me purpose, it gives me a goal, it is something, maybe the only thing I am goo at.
Dare I say it, it makes me feel special.
Take it away and what is left?
Just an average girl.

I suppose I could do what I did with the drugs.
Try recovery for 6 months and if it doesn't work out I can always go back.
This worked for me with the drugs because I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I guess it's the same now.
I wish I had more courage, that I could just go for it bur the eating disorder is so seductive.
She makes it seem like having an ed is romantic and glamorous.
But what is romantic about having rotten teeth, no period, lanugo
What is romantic about cleaning up vomit stains from the bathroom floor
What is glamorous about purging 10 times a day
What is glamorous about nearly passing out when you stand up
The idea of an ed can seem attractive but  the reality is in stark contrast
I am being held hostage by this ed but only I have the power to run away
I have lost the last 10 years to this illness, do I really want to lose another 10?
No thank you very much

So what does this all mean?
I guess it means I 'm in the pre-contemplative stage of making a decision about recovery

I was wondering about you
What is stopping you from choosing recovery?
Why are you holding on to your eating disorder?
I'd love to hear you r thoughts

Thanks for reading this and as always much love to you xxx

Hopefully maybe

I had my meeting with Mary and and my mother first thing this morning.
The anxiety had been building inside me all week.
Butterflies were doing cartwheels in my stomach.
The session actually started before we got to Mary as my mother and I chatted this morning.
My mother told me that she knew I had abused my meds this week and she knew how much I was binging and purging. It's so strange because I actually manage to convince myself that she knew nothing. That my web of lies was working. I guess that is the power denial, you believe your own lies.
She told me she knew how anxious I was about the wedding, I thought I had put up a good front pretending to be excited.
I explained to her the pressure I felt under to look well and be well. How I thought people judged how well I was by how much I weighed when the that couldn't be further from the truth

Then it was time to go.
I introduced my mother to Mary and then went in for a chat with her first.
I told her about the meds, I told her the binging and purging was out of control.
She listened and then spoke to my mother on her own, I sat in the waiting room trying to read their minds while reading about how to combat stress.
Then she called me in. First we talked about the meds and how to get on top of it.
My mother expressed great worry and her fear that I would burn the house down.
I suppose somewhere in the back of my head I knew this but  actually hearing her say it out loud was different. I explained how I use the meds to get a break from the eating disorder.
We eventually came to an  agreement that I would hand over my meds to my mother and she would dole them out to me. Yes this takes responsibility away from  me but I can't trust myself to take them properly just now and eventually handing back responsibility to me.
I think this will work.

Mary then spoke about my mother as a carer. She showed us a document that the Maudsley hospital had drawn up comparing different types of carers to animals like the ostrich, the rhinoscerous etc
We identified that my mother is a mixture of the dolphin and the st Bernard. Calm, confident and supportive.
I guess I am lucky she is that way, I suppose she has learned the hard way how to help an addict.

The great thing about Mary is that she really focuses on the positive and I really need that.
She asked my mother about the dancing and what she thought about it.
She became very emotional and said some truly lovely things.
She said it was a joy to be around me during that time, that I was focused and motivated and it was clear I was really enjoying myself. She said the night of the show was amazing and it was so emotional to see me dancing as I hadn't done it in so long.
As I listened I couldn't hold back the tears. She also acknowledged that the fact I started something and saw it through to the end was the real achievement.
It was  so nice to hear those things, that I had done something right.
She and Mary also emphasized how I had overcome drug addiction and if I could do that then I could do this. The meeting ended on a positive note and I was relieved it was over.

I am so glad I did this. I came away feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time thinking 'maybe I can do this.
My whole life people have told me I have great potential, my teachers, my doctors, my therapists.
But it meant nothing to me.
All it meant that I could do something, maybe, possibly.
It was no guarantee.
I thought they were just saying it to be nice and I 've never had that belief in myself.
I thought I had gotten away from drugs because I was just sick of the whole thing.
But I walked away from my entire life to start again in a new place where I know no one.
Maybe I do have strength I'm not even aware of.
I've never managed to overcome my eating disorder but have I really tried? Have I really wanted to?
I've been misreable for so long that I've forgotten how great it is to feel happiness.
I can remember the last time I really laughed and it was over a year ago.
I miss that.
I miss laughing so hard you think you'll burst.
I miss hanging out with friends.
I miss dancing.
I miss having a life.

I feel motivated to take my meds properly.
I'm going to the chemist now and I will hand them over to my mother.
If only for her peace of mind. She deserves that much.

I'm feeling hopeful,

Possibly maybe.............