Honesty

Ok
I need to be honest about a few things
Everything is not well over here in Recovery Land
Something is amiss
And I'm not quite sure when or why it happened
All I know is that over the last couple of weeks
My purging has increased markedly
And I've lost more than a few pounds
My Mother has commented that  my face looks thinner
She said very seriously that she hopes I don't spin out of control again
God I don't want that to happen
I really don't

I know a couple of weeks ago
I was going for long periods of time without eating
And of course that culminated in a binge
Which culminated in me purging
And once I purge once
I seem to do it again and again
Lather, rinse, repeat

Last night for example
I wasn't aware that I was jumping up out of my seat every few minutes
I was up and down
And in and out of the kitchen like a yo-yo
I didn't become aware of it
Until my mother commented that I was very restless
And I was
Everytime I got up
I had something else to eat
And then purged afterwards
I knew in the lead up to my going to Dublin
That I was stress eating
But I thought that was because I was nervous and anxious about my trip
But now the trip is over
I am still eating and purging
I won't say binging and purging
Because what I am eating does not constitute a binge

Then this morning
My sister kept asking me if I was ok
She said I looked very pale
And eventually said that she had noticed that I had lost weight the last couple of weeks
I feel terrible
Because I don't want to be worrying my family
I am barely a few months in to my recovery
And it seems to be slipping through my fingers

I was reluctant to write this post
As I said I don't want to worry anyone
But I have to acknowledge where I am
That I am indeed struggling
And may need extra support
Especially at this time of year
When stress levels are high

I know one thing for sure
I don't want to go back the way I was
Sick
I don't want to be that person
I can'r go there again
I just can't
I have to much to lose now
My family has too much to lose
Things are just beginning to turn around for me
But I have to admit
I am not fine
I don't feel fine
The happy glow from my face has disappeared again
I feel like I am slipping
I am grappling with my hands to hang on to the little bit of recovery that I have
But every day it seems further away

As I always say
This is not my first rodeo
This is not my first slip
Or relapse
I know the way they happen
They creep up on you
And you don't realize it until you are up to your neck in it
By then it's almost to late
The damage is done

I know what I need to do to stop this
To get off the speeding train that is a relapse
But knowing it
And doing it
Are two completely different things
It's no secret that I struggled to come to terms with my weight re-gain
I was delighted when I thought my weight was settling
But now it is going down and down
And I feel powerless to stop it

I don't feel the thrill of weight loss any more
The only thing I felt when my sister remarked that I had lost weight was sorry that she was worried
There is no pleasure in this thing any more
That left a long time ago
Now all that is left is bitterness and resentment
Confusion and fear
I don't want to be sick again
I may have another relapse in me
But I don't have another recovery
I don't know if I could do this all again
It had taken so much out of me

Again
I was reluctant to write this post
As I didn't want to let my family down
I didn't want to let you down
I know my story have given you hope
And I really don't want to take that away
But in the same breath
I have to be honest about where I am at
And where my head is at
I'm not ok
I'm not fine
I'm afraid
I'm confused as to why this is happening again
When it is the last thing that I want
I know what I need to do
Ask for help
Tell people I am struggling
I guess that is what I am doing here
Letting you know
And asking for help

Clothes Post # 10

I picked up a couple of tops in Dublin on Friday
The blue woolly one I am going to wear on Christmas day
I just to find something to wear with it
The others are just for casual wear
Here they are......

Navy and orange lace top - Superdry

Grey hoody with Aztec print - Protest

Blue wool jumper - Fat Face

Dublin!

It's  early Saturday morning
The only reason I am up is that Lea was barking to get out
I am sleeping
And A bit grumpy
But that's only because I spent a wonderful day in Dublin yesterday with my friends
It was quite the eventful day
Let me tell you about it

I got up at seven
It was pitch dark
I made a cup of tea
Let the dogs out
Called my sister
And then set about getting ready
I put on my Dublin outfit
Straightened my hair
And put on make up as best I could at that hour of the morning
My sister made me have some breakfast
But I could barely eat it
As I had such butterflies in my tummy
Just before eight
We set off for the train station

There have been many times this week when I have thought
'What am I a doing?
Am I nuts?
I can't go to Dublin
Back to the place I used to use
I can't do it'
There have been many times when I talked myself out of going
But something in me really wanted to go
I knew it was a big deal for me
For many reason
It was really pushing me outside of my comfort zone
And we all know how much I love my comfort zone
But also
These girls
Are special
These girls will always have a place in my heart
They saw me at my worst
When I was beaten and broken
And they gave me nothing but love and encouragement
Of course I wanted to see them
Even if it meant braving my old using haunts

The train was at nine
I got there about 8 45 am
Got a cup of tea
And settle in to my seat
My friend arrived soon after
And the train pulled off

It was a 3 hour journey
Although we didn't find it as we were talking the whole time
Then something very peculiar happened
We were about half way to Dublin
When a young girl sat down on the seat beside us
I would say she was about 12
And I'm thinking she was, what we call a Traveller
Maybe you use the word gypsy?
So she sat down
And produced a box of Christmas cards
And a sponsorship sheet
She explained that she was collecting money to give to children who had no presents for Christmas
It all sounded very vague
But we let her talk
When she had finished speaking
My friend
Who I will call L, said
'I've given a lot already this Christmas so I will say no thank you'
Then the girl looked at me
I thought the whole thing sounded a bit suspect
So I asked her some questions
Who is the money for exactly?
She repeated her spiel
I wasn't convinced
So I asked what she was giving in return for the 5 Euros she was asking for
'A card' she replied
'One card?' I asked
'yes' she said
I couldn't help but laugh at this point
As it all seemed a bit ridiculous
It was then that the girl started to get very annoyed
She sat there for a minute
In utter dismay that we would not give her any money
Then she turned to L and said
'Well at least you say thanks, not like some people'
And shot me a dirty look
I continued to laugh
Mostly because I was a bit nervous and wasn't exactly sure  what was happening
The she turned to me and snapped
'What is your problem?' She demanded
I said I had no problem
She sat there for a good 2 minutes just fuming
I was in disbelief
I wasn't so much worried about her
As I was who she had with her
Where there is one Traveller there tends to be many more
Eventually the girl got up and went back to her seat
Which was just behind mine
I could hear her giving out yards about me to someone who I presumed was her mother
But there also seemed to be a gaggle of young lads with them too
I have to admit
I felt a bit uneasy
A minute later she came back
'WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?' she demanded again
But this time didn't give me time to answer
And stomped off again
By this stage other passengers were looking at us
Thank God for my friend L
Who unlike me has no problem telling someone off
She sat up straight and said of that girl came back she would tell her where to go
Thankfully soon after that
The girl seemed to forget about the incident
And didn't bother me again
Although I did worry when I was walking up the train platform and saw about 12 of them all gathered together
I just kept my head down and kept walking
I probably shouldn't have laughed at her in first place
But it just came out

Anyway
The train pulled in to Dublin at 12pm
We gathered our things
And set off for Suffolk street
Where we were meeting our other friend
Who I will call K
Walking through Dublin was harder than I thought
As we made our way through the streets
I could feel the anxiety rising
And it didn't help that I had forgotten to take my meds that morning
I went very quiet
And went right in to my head
At one point I thought I was going to have a panic attack
I just felt so over whelmed
Every where I looked
I saw addicts and junkies and alcoholics and homeless people
It was too much
I'm not sure how I calmed myself down
I didn't say anything to L about how I was feeling
As I didn't want to worry her
Soon we arrived at our destination
I was so glad to get off the streets
The place we were meeting was called Avoca
A beautiful shop and cafe
Myself and L had a browse around while we waited for K

I must give you a little back ground information
As you know
I was in treatment last year
L was already there when I arrived
She is 46
A mother of 3
And lives in the same town as me
K came in a few weeks later
She is almost 21
And lives about an hour from Dublin
They are both amazing kind and caring girls
I have so much love for them

Soon K arrived
I gave her a huge hug
It was so lovely to see her
We all chatter for a minute
Then made our way up to the cafe
It was so busy
And we were lucky to get a table
I was a bit nervous to eat
As I wasn't hungry at all
But I knew I should eat something
In the end we all ordered carrot and sage soup
Spot the ED girls!
Although L ordered skinny fries too

We had such a lovely time chatting
We talked about how we could remember treatment like it was yesterday
Conversation we had
What people were wearing
What they were doing and saying
It's like time stopped then
We talked about the carol service we went to when we were all on bed rest
The time Julia the nurse pushed mine and K's beds in to the lounge so we could watch a film in bed
All the times I feel asleep in group
The time we made red velvet cake in cooking and it exploded in the oven
So many memories
And such fond ones too

After a spot of lunch we hit the shops
I have to admit
I was very full after the big bowl of soup
But I soon forgot about it as we walked
We were heading for Temple Bar
The cool trendy part of Dublin
We were looking for a shop called Siopa Eile
Which is a consignment store for high end and designer clothes
It took us a good half hour to find it
As we weaved in and out of the cobbled streets
In the end we found it and a couple of vintage shops
Which were amazing
L found two dresses in Siopa Eile that she tried on
One was a hot pink revealing number
When she tried it on
All the shop assistants gathered around her telling her how skinny she was
And saying things like
'Oh my God I need to exercise
I need to exercise right now
I wish I look like that'
And she did look smokin' hot
So beautiful
Then she tried on a very sixties black and blue dress
Again it looked amazing
But in the end she didn't buy either

After that we went to Superdry for yours truly
I bough a navy and orange top
When I tried it on
The two girls stood at the dressing room door telling how well I look now
'Your hair
Your skin
Your eyes'
I was mortified
I really can't take a compliment

Next we headed for Henry Street
Where the girls wanted to go to the big department store to get make up
And I wanted to go to Fat Face
I know
I am so predictable
I left the girls to their make up
And I head across the road
Where I bought a blue woolly jumper to wear on Christmas day

By now it was almost 4pm
And getting dark
I decided I would try and mae the 4pm train
As I really didn't want to be in Dublin when it got dark
I met the girls again
And told them I was heading for home
Hugs and kisses
And telling each other to keep going
And we would see each other soon
Then just as I was leaving
K pulled two Christmas gifts from her bag
And gave one each to me and L
I was so touched
How kind of her
More hugs
And I left the girls
I speed walked down to the station
And made it with 2 minutes to spare

My sister picked me up
And I arrived home about 8pm
Tired but very happy
Happy that I saw my friends
And spent some time with them
Happy that I had faced my fears
And pushed through the anxiety
All in all
It was a great day

I only took a few photos
So here they are..........

Temple Bar

You can see L and K in the left of this photo

L and K

One of the vintage stored we went in to

Tired Ruby on the train on the way back

Dublin tomorrow!

It's Thursday night
I am so excited
For tomorrow I head for the big smoke to meet my friends
I can't wait!
I love Dublin
Especially at this time of year
I just have to be careful to avoid my old stomping ground
If I stick with my friends I should be fine

Tonight I have been getting ready
Having a shower
Doing my hair
Packing  a little bag with wallet, travel pass (Yes I get free travel, one of the perks of being on disability)
And a book to read on the train
Laying my clothes out for the morning
And just generally making sure that I am mentally prepared for this
The last time these girls saw me
I was very ill
So I am both nervous and excited to tell them how I have been getting on
It's good though
I wrote a post about my comfort zone recently
And I think this is a good way to test the boundaries

I won't get to post tomorrow
As I will be on the road early
But I promise to let you all know how it goes
And of course some photos
Until then........

Benbulben

Here are some photos of our walk yesterday
We walked around Benbulben mountain
Hope you enjoy......

Finally!

Praise the Lord
My weight finally seems to be settling
I feel like the clouds should part
And sunlight shine through the heavens
Alllelulia
I feel like shouting it from the rooftops!
Finally my weight is settling

When I was last away for the weekend
I weighed myself
And saw a number I can barely bring myself to think about
Never mind type
I really despaired
And thought I was heading for obesity
I felt so out of control
Like I was on a speeding train
And there was nothing I could do to stop it

I don't know happened
As in how I changed my food
And if I did
I am not aware of it
But the next time I weighed myself
I was a few pounds lighter
And now my weight seems to have settled on a number
Fluctuating a  kilo either way
Just like Mary always said it would

My relief is palpable
I guess I also had the worry that I had given up smoking
And we all know what happens when you give up smoking
Everyone gains weight when they quit
That was the very reason I had never quit before
But I seem to be weathering that storm

I know I've said it before
But I really think that an ability to rock what you've got is important
This is my body
This is my weight
I can either go in to a corner and cry about it
Or I can accept it
Be confident
Dress it nicely
Make the most of it it
And work with what God gave me
I'm no super model
I no longer have a super skinny body
But me and my body have been through a lot over the years
And I am just grateful that my body is still here
And in one piece
Given all the abuse its endured
I am lucky to have a body at all

Although it is a slow process
My thinking is gradually changing
I used to think that my ideal body was extremely skinny
Now I want to be fit and healthy
More than I want to be thin
I was so very depressed when I was underweight
Even though I had the one thing that I craved
I couldn't enjoy it
How can you enjoy being thin when you feel so unwell?
And my anxiety?
Well it was through the roof
There were many time when I cried to my Mother
Telling her that I thought I was going insane
And that truly frightened me
The thought that along with all the weight
I was slowly losing my mind
Whatever about my body not working at full pelt
I just couldn't handle it if my mind went too
I remember so many tears back then
So many times when I thought I would never stop crying
I thought I would never be right again
I felt like I was falling apart
The port in the storm that was my ED was always Mary
I really don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had her support
She was truly invaluable

I know there is a lot of work to be done
I still have some really bad days
Days when my purging is off the charts
When I under eat
Or over eat
Or don't eat at all
A lot of the time it feels like one step forwards and two steps back
But the important thing is to keep moving
I will get there

I always have to remind myself that I am 33 years old
I have lived with this illness for 14 years
My family have lived with this illness for 14 years
We all deserve a break
We all deserve to live and enjoy life
And live free from EDs control
God knows we deserve it
Living with an ED is such a thankless exercise
So much work and effort
For very little pay off

I believe
I have to believe
That all of this was for a reason
That my family and I did not suffer in vain
Whether that be to learn a lesson
Or to help others
The thought that we all suffered for no reason is too much to bear
There has to be a reason

I'm actually looking forward to Christmas this year
Last year I was stressed out to the Pepsi-max
I was only home for a couple of weeks in between treatment stints
And I had a family wedding
I don't remember a lot about last Christmas
As I kept myself fairly well doped with medication
But this year
This year I am more present
I am more capable
I am more with it
And I plan to thoroughly enjoy it
I am a Christmas person
I love it
The lights
The trees
The carols
Not to mention the food
Oh food glorious food!
Saying all that
It can be a tricky time of year too
With the whole family in one house
Temptation to over eat
I need to put together a Christmas survival kit
So we will all get through the holidays relatively unscathed

Do you like Christmas?
Do you find it easier/harder in regards to your ED?

Helping someone with an eating disorder

I received a comment and questions yesterday from a Father who has a child currently in Rhodes Farm
The comment was left in the What not to say to someone with an eating disorder part of my blog
He said he is slowly learning what not to say to someone with an ED
But he is finding that there is not much left to say when you take in to consideration all the conversations that you should avoid
So I thought I would hand this question over to you my readers
And then make a post with the results

So I would like to know from you
What helped you when you were in the midst of your illness?
What conversations helped you?
And hindered you?
What do you wish the people around  you knew?
And what do you wish they would do?

Please do comment if you can think of any advice to give this father
I would really love to help him
And give him some hope