Weighing it up

Now that I am weighing again

I'm back in the vicious circle 

Of weigh 

Panic

Cry 

Restrict

Binge 

Purge

Weigh....

I'm literally going around in circles

My homework from Mary two weeks ago

Was to keep a food diary

I have not done it once

I've not even taken out the sheets

Like the veritable ostrich

I have been burying my head in the sand

And pretending that everything is ok

I really take issue with having to fill in a food diary

You see I am a seriel snacker

I don't really eat set meals

I graze the whole day long

So I would need a book to fill in a weeks worth of food

Plus I don't want to be reminded of how much white chocolate or crisps I have eaten

I actually consider myself very lucky 

Given the amount of junk food I eat

By all rights I should be obese

It's no exaggeration to say that I eat five family size bars of white chocolate every day

And 1-2 family bags of crisps

Seriously

I stick up on the stuff

Buy it in bulk

My local shops know I eat a lot of it

And always have a plentiful supply

I crave white chocolate the way I used to crave heroin

I tell no lie

I'm actually afraid to tot up the amount of calories I eat each day

But I'm willing to bet that it is was over the recommended daily allowance for an adult female

So yes 

To all intents and purposes 

I should be a lot bigger

Given all the crisp I eat 

So even though my weight is higher than is ideally like

I am grateful that it's not any higher

In other news

I haven't been to a meeting in a week

I'm struggling to go at all

All I want to do is sleep

And be on the nod

It's very hard to do anything at all when the other option is to slip in and out of consciousness 

Because we all know how I like to escape reality don't we?

I don't know

I don't know what I am doing anymore

I thought I was doing well

And I was 

I am

Kind of 

Sort of

Most of the time 

There is a saying in AA that they practise spiritual progression

Not spiritual perfection

I like that saying

It makes me feel ok about the fact that I do not doing everything by the book

Because if you are like me 

Then texovery is full of setbacks 

And hurdles

And bumps in the road 

As you all know well 

I have no problem sharing those obstacles with you all

Because I hope it will help someone out there 

To call their addiction or their ED out

To tell on them 

Because our secrets keep us sick

And I try not to have any secrets when it comes to my blog and my recovery

As you all know well

I don't hold back when it comes to writing here

I may even share too much 

But my honesty keeps me accountable

And responsible

And I know I am only as sick as my secrets 

So I try not to keep any

And I urge you to tell your secrets also 

Tell them to someone

Write them down

Confess them to a priest

Tell a friend 

Or a family member

Don't let them fester in your head

Or they will get the better of you

They will keep you sick

Today I will share a secret with you 

When I was away last weekend 

I came very close to stealing a cardigan from a shop

Only I was so afraid of being caught again

I would have done it

In a lot of ways having been caught has been the wake up call that I needed to snap out of that destructive behaviour

And it makes me think twice when I get that urge again

So today I urge you to break your silence

And tell on your secrets 

Even if you don't want to leave your name

You can leave a comment anonymously and share your secret here

I promise you to get it off your chest will be such a relief

Just to tell someone 

To share it with another person

Will stop that secret from taking your peace of mind

I've shared mine

Will you share yours?

Monday

Gosh Monday morning comes around very quickly

We watched the Wimbledon men's final yesterday 

Although I slept through most of it

As the antics of the weekend caught up on me

My Dad was minding my dogs

So we arrived home early evening

The dogs went nuts when we came in to the house 

They gave us such a warm welcome

And then conked out in their beds for the night

I had a shower

Got in to my pyjamas

And settled down for the night

It wasn't long before I was asleep again on the couch

In fact I don't even remember going to bed

All too soon it was morning 

And time to get up

I sat in the waiting room of the doctors for over half an hour before I was called in

When I was 

We talked about various things 

Including the weather

His golf game

And of course the tennis

He didn't mention my blog this week

So I am taking it that he didn't read it

Thank God

He mentioned reducing my methadone e again

I asked if we could wait another week

He agreed 

I was relieved 

He said next week for sure though

Because we have lost so much ground

But I know full well that next week I'll be asking him to wait another week

The truth is 

That I am I no hurry to come off the methadone

It really wouldn't bother me if I was on it for the rest of my life

I shit you not 

My mind and body are so used to it

Taking my methadone is the first thing I do every morning 

I can't imagine life without it

And quite frankly I don't want to

I know it's not healthy

I know I should be trying hard to come off it

But I am on it over ten years now

It's in my bones by this stage

It's an integral part of my life

Even the routine of going to the doctor every Monday morning is ingrained in me

I know I should probably be more enthusiastic about coming off it

About being truly clean and sober

But I'm not

And I don't 

And I don't know if that will ever change

The things is 

That I am on quite a lot of meds

And combining them all together 

Even just one days dose

Is enough to get me slightly out of my head 

Enough to make me sleepy and groggy

And I love that feeling 

And the other thing is

That now my high is legal

It's prescribed

I'm supposed to take it

So there is none of the scrimping and saving

And ducking and diving that goes along with heroin or any other drug

And it's free

I don't have to steal to get money for my drug

It's handed to me legally 

Over a shop counter 

So where is the onus to get clean?

Well when getting my drug is this easy

There really is none

The truth is 

That I am comfortable where I am

Comfortably numb to quote Pink Floyd

I have all the benefits of the drug

With none of the negative consequences

I have a constant and steady supply of meds

They cost me less than ten euros a month

I'm trusted to take a weeks meds at a time

And that suits me just fine

But the thing is

That although I am perfectly fine to stay where I am

My doctor is on a mission to get me off it completely 

If it was up to him

I would have been off it years ago

But like with an addiction

There have been many slips over the years 

And I've have to stall the reduction

And sometimes increase it

It's like I am digging my heels in

And refusing to go quietly 

I am probably the Bain of my doctors life

As I always put up a fight

And I know how to get around him 

I know it's not fair

I know I should co-operate more with him

But the addict in me is a powerful thing

And more often than not wins the argument

With me

It's a mental thing 

Taking my methadone is as much psychological

As it is physical 

The act of taking it

Drinking it every morning 

Is enough to ease my mind

Just knowing that it's on it's way in to my blood stream

Quells my anxiety 

If for some reason 

I have to take my methadone late 

Or I am held up in getting my meds

I feel like I immediately go in to withdrawal 

Even though realistically I probably wouldn't go in to withdrawal until 48 hours later

I still imagine that I have 

I once heard of a girl who was on two and a half mls of methadone 

Now that is most definitely a mental thing

Two and a half mls is nothing

Heck it would stick to the side of the bottle as you drank it

In other news

I haven't heard from my friend since last week

I don't quite know where to go from here

Should I cut her out of my life?

Cut my losses and move on

Or should I get over it

Have a conversation with her 

And try and stay friends? 

I'm not sure what to do really

But I feel no urge to contact her at the moment 

So I won't 

Well folks

That's all from me today 

See you on the next post..... 

MamaMia!

I'm having a lovely weekend so far

Yesterday we got up late 

And went for brunch

Then my sister and I did a little bit of shopping 

I bought a lovely grey cardigan

And a nice dark grey top

Then we came home and watched the women's Wimbledon tennis final

Which was very predictable 

But still enjoyable

Then in the evening we headed over to Derry 

Which is in Northern  Ireland

First we went for dinner

I ordered the pork belly with black pudding

I've never had it before 

And when it came 

I didn't much like the look of it

I tasted the pork

And it was so chewy and fatty

That it turned me right off

I ate as much as I could

As I didn't want to waste it

But it was really not to my taste at all

My sister ordered it also

And she liked it

But I find it so disappointing when I order something I don't like

When I was finished 

I went to the bathroom

As I just felt so sick

Thank God it was empty

So I was able to do the deed in peace

I hate purging in public bathrooms 

And try to avoid it as much as possible  

But sometimes it has to be done

I cleaned up

And went back to my seat

And ordered dessert to make up for it

A delicious apple put with ice cream and custard 

It made up for the horrible main

After we were fed and watered 

We headed over to the theatre 

There were four of us 

Me, my Mother, my sister and my uncle

I know a lot of people hate musicals 

But I love them

They are just so uplifting and feel good

Sometimes I find it really hard to watch them

As theatre is something that I would have loved to do

If things had turned out differently for me

But watching them is fun too

The show was nothing short of amazing 

It was a west end production

So it was so polished and right

Thoroughly enjoyable

Of course MamaMia has all the ABBA classics 

Everyone knows them

And the audience were on their feet from the start 

I loved it!

And we all agreed it was well worth the journey and ticket price 

Bie are some snaps from the last coue of days 

If you are wondering why I have a photo of Weightwatchers 

It was an ad in the foyer of the theatre 

And typical me spotted it straight away

Don't worry

I'm not planning on joining 

I just though it was a really strange place to put an ad

Quick post

Just a quick little post 

As I have a busy day ahead 

We are travelling in to Northern Ireland tonight to go to the theatre 

We are going to see MamaMia

Which should be a great bit of escapism

And we all know how I love a bit of escapism....

Yesterday was a lovely day

My Dad came down to mind the dogs

And we headed off at about 3pm

I slept most of the journey

And we arrived at about 5 pm

After a quick cuppa

We went in to town

I of course hit the shops

But wasn't really in shopping mode

So just bought a little grey cardigan

After walking around for a while 

We headed home to get ready to go out for dinner

I declined to go

As it would just be a waste for me to go out and eat good food

Knowing where it would probably end up

So I stayed at home with my tea and crisps

I'll leave you with today's outfit

Have a great weekend y'all!

Oh almost forgot 

I'm 11months off the smokes today

And if you are wondering if I miss them

Yes I most definitely do!

Weekend Away

I'm heading away this weekend 

With my Mother and sister 

We are not going far 

Just to the next county to visit my uncle 

I'll try to post over the next couple of days

But if I don't 

I guess it's good to take a break sometimes too

There are times when I put pressure on myself to blog

I try to blog every day

As it helps me make sense of things 

It's something I do every day

One day at a time

It gives my day structure 

And routine

But I guess I should blog when I feel like it

And not put pressure on myself 

But that is me

An All or nothing type of gal

I don't really have the travel bug

Nevet really have 

When I finished school

I told everyone that I was going travelling

More than a decade later 

I still haven't gone 

I suppose I am a home bird

I like the comfort and safety of my house

Going out causes me anxiety

And I tend to go to the same places everyday

At the same time

And when I go out for the day

I am counting the hours until I can go home again 

Don't get me wrong 

I love to go on holiday 

I love airports and flying

I love trains and buses 

I actually like the travelling part

I love staying in hotels or B&Bs

I guess I've never actually organised my own holiday

I've always gone away on trips that someone else has arranged

So I've been doing things that others want to do

If I organised my own holiday

And did what I want to do

I'm sure I would enjoy it much more

The other thing I don't like about travelling is packing 

I am a terrible packer

Take this weekend 

We are going away for two nights

And Nike sports bag is bursting at the seams with clothes and shoes

I always bring more than I need

Just in case

Just in case it snows 

I will bring all my winter wear

Just in case I decide to climb a mountain

I will bring all my hiking gear

Just in case....

I inevitably only wear about one third of the stuff I bring

But it eases my mind to know that they are there

So here is what I am bringing

1 leather jacket

1 rain jacket

2 x jeans - 1 blue, 1 navy

3 x trousers - 1 blue tight, 1 blue baggy, 1 mustard

2 x t-shirts - 1navy, 1 white 

2 x hoodys 

1 x cardigan

You know 

Just in case

I was wondering about you 

Do you like travelling?

Or are you more of a home bird like me?

Are you a good packer?

Or are you a pack everything just in case kind of person?

Answers on a postcard please.....

RUBY......!!!!!

Good morning and welcome to

Another instalment of - 

Ruby F**ks up!!

Last episode we saw Ruby over taking her medication

Having to tell her doctor 

Her meds being increased

Said meds making her drowsy

Making her feel like she might as well be misusing them

Here what's on today's episode

Today

As Ruby walks her dogs

She suddenly has a huge urge to know her weight 

She gets home 

Takes said scales out of the bag she's left in the 'messy room'

Said scales had not been working of late

And it suddenly occurs to her why

The battery is not in correctly

So in a brainwave worthy of Mcguyver

She takes a teeny tiny piece of tin foil

And places it in said battery compartmen

She turns the scale over 

And lo and be hold it works!

She takes the scales in to get room

Places it where she always places it

And before she could talk herself out of it

She strips

And stands on it

She registers the number

Where does it fall on the safe - unsafe number range

Hmmmm

It's verging on unsafe

That's not good 

That won't do at all 

In her mind 

She immediately decides to go an a 'diet'

Not a relapse people 

A d-I-e-t

Just a few pounds

Just enough to get back to my safe place

It'll be fine

It'll all be fine

Famous last words 

So yes 

Ruby so enthusiastically started off her year without a scale three weeks ago

And now in a moment of weakness

She has managed to mess that up

So that's today's episode

Tune in next week 

To see what delights Ruby has in store.....

This is the face....

This is the face of a girl with mental health issues

The face of a girl trying her best to recover from anorexia and bulimia

This is the face of a girl who has been through depression 

And still battles it and anxiety every day

This is the face of a girl who has been through drug addiction and alcoholism

She fights them both every single day

This is the face of a girl who has been as low as you can go

Who looked death in the face many times

This is the face of a girl who refuses to be beaten

Who no matter what happens, she continues to fight for a better life

This is the face of a girl who has never given up

Even on her darkest days

This is the face of a girl who hated herself 

Every single inch of herself 

This is the face of a girl who thought she had no future

And wouldn't make it past 25

This is the face of a girl who has sat in deaths waiting room

And knocked on its door many times

This is the face of a girl who tentatively dipped her toe in to recovery

And is doing her best to stay well

This is the face of a girl who thought she was going mad

But now knows she was just ill

This is the face of a girl who thought she was a bad person

But now knows she is not

This is the face of a girl who is afraid 

But who takes a leap of faith every single day

This is the face of a girl who was once very very lost

And has just started to find her way

This is the face of a girl who is starting to accept herself

Flaws and all

This is the face of a girl who thought she was ugly, fat and worthless 

But now knows that is not true

This is the face of a girl who has been through a lot

But wants to use her experiences to help others 

This is the face of a girl who was afraid to be herself

But day by day is liking herself a little bit more

This is the face of a girl who clings to hope

Because sometimes that's all she has

This is the face of a girl that won't let her demons beat her

Even when they seem stronger than her

This is the face of a girl who is not afraid to be herself

After years of trying to be someone else

This is the face of a girl who will continue to strive for a better life

And won't ever give up