Wednesday 20 April 2016

R is for Recovery!

Recovery is an obvious choice for the letter R
But it's also an important one 
The main thing about recovery 
Is that it's about progress not perfection
And I am so glad for that 
Because I certainly have not perfected recovery 
Who has?
My recovery from drugs started as long as ten years ago
I've had many slips and relapses since then
And now have about a year of continuous recovery
Since my last relapse early last year
My recovery from my ED started two years ago
After I came out of treatment for the umpteenth time
But again 
It most definitely has not been a straight road 
There have been an awful lot of bumps in the road for me
And some might argue that I am not in recovery at all 
As I still purge 
Albeit a whole lot less than I was two years ago 
But bulimia still raises its ugly head from time to time 
The thing is 
That I am doing my level best 
To stay sane
And improve my physical and mental health 
I'm striving for a better life 
For me and my family 

It's taken me a long time to get to the ponit where I wanted to recover
In the midst of the illness
Recovery seems nigh on impossible 
It wasn't something that I wanted to explore 
And I deliberately avoided anything to do with recovery 
But there came a point 
Where I was just not willing to lose any more of my life to my addiction/ED
Where the negatives drastically outweighed the positives
I wasn't living 
I was hanging on by my finger nails to life 
But now 
I am so glad I managed to pull myself out of the rabbit hole 
And am even sorry that I didn't do it years ago 
It seems that as quickly as things can tank
They can also turn around just as quickly 
I can categorically tell you 
That there is life after ED and addiction
I know that recovery can seem so far away
And sometimes it is 
But it starts with the first step
That first leap of faith 
That is the most difficult part
But once you get going 
I promise you 
There will be no stopping you
Baby steps all the way
As I always say
Baby steps soon add up to be great strides 
And breaking it down in to small bite size chunks is much more manageable

As well as improving health and mental health
As well as weight restoration and all the health benefits that come with that 
Recovery also opens up new opportunities
I've done so many things in recovery
That I would never have had the confidence or the courage to do in the midst of my illness
I went on my first date 
I joined classes 
I started going to meetings again
I began horse riding
Which has quickly turned in to a passion
I've done interviews for different publications 
So many wonderful things can happen 
If you can just open your mind 
And your heart 
And take that first step away from the illness
In my ED
It was like being in a prison 
With meagre food portions 
And a punishing exercise routine 
There is nothing enjoyable about living with an ED 
Even the benefits it promises 
Weight loss 
Never works out 
As the goal posts always shift

Today is a good day
This morning I am going in to see the manager of the holiday centre 
Remember the job I applied for?
She rang me yesterday 
And asked me to go in for a chat 
So that is exciting 
I'm really hoping something comes of it
And this afternoon 
I am starting my course 
IT and communications 
I don't know if I'll be able to do it all
But I will give it a go 
And see how I get on 
I still want to leave time for horse riding
The dogs 
blogging 
And my appointments of course 
As these things are the foundation of my recovery 
I have faith though 
That it will all work out the way it's supposed to 
And that's the lovely thing about recovery 
Things seem to all of a sudden fall in to place 
One day everything is up in the air 
And the next it's all slotting together like a jigsaw puzzle

In other news 
I went horse riding yesterday 
Myself and one of the lads are being entered in a competition 
A dressage show 
On May 1st
It's basically a routine with the horse 
Walking 
Trotting
Following a course 
We went through it twice yesterday
If you remember last week
Star was no co operating with me 
He was very reluctant to trot 
So I was given a whip yesterday 
Just to give him a little tap to start off
And lo and behold 
He began to trot when I tapped him
We are rough diamonds myself and Star
But we are slowly but surely forming a little bond 
And finding out way 
At one point when we were trotting 
Star began to go really fast 
Cantering 
It was amazing!
I loved it!
So much fun!
I just wish I could do it more often 
I feel on such a high after riding 
And the time always goes way too quickly 
And this 
The horse riding 
Is only possible by my being somewhat well
I wouldn't be able for it if I was underweight and struggling 
I wouldn't trade all the things in my life for a skinny body 
No way 
Maybe it's that in getting older 
I turn 35 this year 
And I guess I was bound to grow up at some stage 
And an ED is so life and soul draining 
That the older you get 
The sicker you get 
And the harder it is to find recovery 
I know I'm blessed 
I have an amazing family behind me 
Super duper professionals 
Who as a team
Have helped me massively 
And pancreatitis aside 
I've come out of my ED relatively unscathed 
Also economic factors 
I have a secure comfortable place to live 
I don't really have to worry about money 
And those things are massive
So all in all
Recovery is worth 
A hundred times over 
I just wish I could give you a little piece of the happiness I have found 
It's finally happening for me
I am recovering.....


Tuesday 19 April 2016

Q is for Quirky!

Q is a bit of a tricky letter
I decided to go with quirky
As it was one of only a few I could think of
I like quirky
Quirky clothes 
Quirky hair
Quirky colours
I especially love quirky people
And I am a bit on the quirky side myself
I can remember growing up
I desperate to belong 
To find people like me
A place where I didn't stick out like a sore thumb
As a teenager 
I experimented with lots of different styles
Preppy
Sporty 
Hippy
Gothic
Prim and proper 
But I never felt I quite belonged to any of them 
I really had no clue who I was 
What I was about 
And what people I wanted to be around
For me 
Clothes are a big part of my identity 
It was only really in my late twenties 
That I found a style I liked
And felt comfortable in
I wear a lot of jeans, hoodies and trainers
But I like quirky ones
Surf type wear 
That relaxed 
Laid back 
And comfortable in style 

I love to meet people who are a little bit different 
People who March to the beat of their own drum
I'm attracted to people who I can be myself around 
As there really aren't many out there 
That's why I get on with my sister so well
She is quirky to the point of being eccentric 
And I love that about her 
She is also bat shit crazy
I know she won't mind me saying that
As I am too
I swear 
Some of the conversations we have are hilarious 
And I've been threatening to put a go-pro camera in the car to capture some of our funnier moments 
A sense of humour is so important I think 
Especially in the darker times 
My family have quite a dark sense of humour 
And it has got us through many of the tougher times 
Without it
I would have gone completely off the wall long ago

Remember in school
When being different or quirky was a bad thing?
It seems like the end of the world when you don't fit in
But as an adult 
It's endearing and interesting to be quirky or different 
Who wants to be like the crowd anyway.....?

P is for Peace!

I'm going to write about peace 
In the context of peace of mind
At meetings 
A lot of talk centres around achieving peace of mind 
As an addict
And as someone who suffers with mental health issues
I have experienced very little peace of mind in my life 
Plus the fact that I am a worrier means my head is rarely quiet
For as long as I can remember 
The has a constant chatter
A running commentary going on in my head
Most of which is negative and repetitive and generally pretty destructive 
Then add an ED in to the mix
Which is also like another voice in your head
And it becomes very difficult to achieve peace of mind 
I am constantly thinking 
Constantly switched on
And am generally thinking about something that did happen 
Or something that is going to happen 
Very rarely am I in the present 
On the moment 
I am almost always in another tense 

I do strive for peace of mind though
And I do get moments of it 
Those moments are sheer bliss 
When the internal chatter stops
And my head is quiet
You can't buy that kind peace 
 To me 
Peace means not worrying about the past 
Letting the past be 
And not beating myself up about it 
It means not projecting in to the future 
Not wishing my life away 
Peace means being happy to live in the present 
To deal with things as they happen 
To live life on life's terms
It means accepting my situation
The good and the bad 
And making the most of it 
Peace means integrity 
Doing the next right thing 
Even when no one is watching 
It means living a life that I can be proud of 
Peace means being present 
Mindful 
Doing the best I can with what I have 
It means laying my head down at night 
Knowing I lived the best life I could have today 
I guess peace is similar to happiness
It's not a constant thing 
But we do get moments of it 
And those moments are priceless

What does peace mean to you?

Monday 18 April 2016

O is for Orca!

Yes
A total change of direction here 
For as long as I can remember
I have been fascinated by whales
All animals really
But especially whales
It started when I did a project on them in primary school
And the fascination has never left me
There is something so magical about them 
Their sheer size alone is mind boggling
Last night on BBC
There was a documentary on about zoos
Presented by Liz Bonin
That asked the questions
Should we keep animals in captivity?
What are the costs and the benefits?
I wasn't going to watch said documentary
As in the trailer 
It said there were some upsetting scenes
And nothing upsets me more than seeing animals in distress 
I decided to watch it though
As even though it is really upsetting 
I want to be aware of what is happening 
The documentary itself was brilliant
It asked some really tough questions 
About why we keep animals in captivity
Their habitat in captivity 
Their behaviour in captivity as opposed to the wild 
Apparently an elephants life span is cut in half in captivity
They also experience other problems such as obesity 
Rotten teeth 
And foot problems 
All because they have been kept in the wrong sort of conditions 
The documentary also questions about extinction
In the case of the northern white rhino
There are none left in the wild at all
And only five exist in captivity
So
Is it better to keep a species in captivity to keep it alive?
Or should we allow these beautiful animals to die out?
It's a tricky one

But back to whales 
The documentary spoke about the movie Black Fish
The film that focuses on the events that led up to the death of 40 year old Seaworld trainer Dawn Branchaeu in 2010
I haven't seen the movie
As I think it would send me over the edge and traumatise me for life
The name of the whale that killed Dawn Brancheau is called Tilikum
Dawn was rubbing Tilikum as part of a post show routine when the orca grabbed her by her left arm and hair
And dragged her to the bottom of the enclosure
Tilikum scalped her
Broke her bones 
Dismembered her
She drowned 
The third person to have been killed by Tilikum since his capture over 30 years ago
Seaworld declined to take part in the film Black Fish 
But they did agree to an interview for the BBC documentary last night 
We got to meet Tilikum
Who still resides in Sea World
The head vet there 
Argued that Dawn Brancheaus death was a tragic accident 
And not a deliberate attack on her life 

Let's rewind here a little 
So I can give you some history of Tilikum
Tilikum is the largest orca in captivity
Weighing in at 12, 500 pounds
And over 22 feet in length
Tilikum was captured near Iceland
In November 1983
Two years old
He was ripped away from his family and ocean home 
He was covered in lanolin
An oil extracted from sheeps wool which is applied to the orcas whole body to prepare them for a long transport without water
Tilikum has been bought and sold like a commodity since his capture
Held in small holding tanks 
All he could do was swim in small circles and float aimlessly at the surface of the water 
In the wild an orca can cover an area of up to 100 miles a day 
So you can see how disturbing it must be to the whale
In captivity 
Food was held from Tilikum as a training technique
He was forced to perform every hour on the hour 
8 times a day 
7 days a week
On February 21 1991 Sealand trainer Keltie Byrne fell in to a pool containing three orcas including Tilikum
She was pulled to the bottom of the enclosure 
Tossed around among the three orcas
And ultimately drowned 
She was the first of three people to have been killed due to Tilikums stress, confinement and frustration

After the death of Keltie 
Sealand closed its doors for good
And Tilikum was sold to Seaworld
Over the course of Tilikums life at there
He has been involved in multiple acts of aggression 
The stress of captivity also drives him to exhibit abnormal repetitive behaviour
Such as on metal gates and the concrete sides of his tank 
The stress of captivity also drove Tilikum to kill a young trainer called Daniel P Dukes in 1999
Following Dawns tragic death in 2010
Tilikum was kept in a tiny enclosure
After a year of isolation
He returned to performing 
Aggression towards humans by orcas is almost non existent in nature
But the constant stress of living in incompatible social groupings inside minuscule tAnks at Seaworld causes them to lash out
Posing a threat of danger to other whales and employees alike

Having researched this topic today 
And some of the information here was taken directly from Seaworld of Hurts website 
I feel a sense of despair for these animals 
It really upsets me 
In fact cruelty to animals upsets me a lot more than cruelty to people 
I asked myself today
What I can do to help these poor creatures 
And I guess by raising awareness here on my blog is at least something 
I find myself with little pity for those that Tilikum killed
I mean these are wild animals 
Being kept in unsatisfactory conditions 
I'm actually surprised that more people haven't been killed
So I guess we need to ask ourselves some difficult questions
In order to solve this problem 
In my opinion
Seaworld and similar places should be illegal 
No more than dancing bears
Donkey rides
And any other activity that exploits animals for money 
As humans 
We do not own this planet 
Animals have every right to life in the wild  
As it seems keeping them in captivity does not work 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you
What do you think about places like Seaworld?
Have you ever been?
And also what do you think about zoos?
I know a lot of you out there are animal lovers like me
So I am interested to hear what you think...

Sunday 17 April 2016

Rest Day

I spent the morning trying to think of words behinning with the letter O
Then I remembered that Sunday is a rest day in the A-Z Challenge
So
I could relax
This week has been exciting 
I got a few promising emails 
And also did an informal chat with an on line media company 
I'm not sure what will come if it
But it's fun just to do it
It never ceases to amaze what can happen when you put yourself out there 
I have been contacted by people the world over
To do interviews
Skype chats 
Writing pieces for publications
It's all fun 
And it's all part of gathering awareness for addiction and EDs 
This month 
I am four years blogging 
It's quite hard to believe
But in other ways 
I feel every bit of the last four years 
I think back to 2012
April 2012
I was 30 years old 
11 years in to my illness
And had been up and down since up until then 
Mostly down if I am honest 
I started looking for blogs on the Internet for like minded people 
I needed to find others who were like me
It's human nature 
The need to know that we are not alone 
The first sure I found was Yummy Secrets 
Some of you will remember this site 
It is no longer active now
I also found Recovering Anorexic over on Wordpress
And both these blogs opened the door to whole host of other blogs 
Some in the midst of their illness
Some recovering 
As well as the usual smattering of pro ana too

I read back on my first posts 
And I write about wanting to lost weight 
Fasting 
Purging 
I know back then I was about 50-54kg
And I wanted to be smaller 
Blogger was so active back then 
There were so many blogs to discover and follow 
I would say that 75% of those are now defunct 
And there are only a handful of us left 
I worry for our community 
That it will die out 
I sincerely hope not though
As I know a lot of us depend on this community and each other 
Over time 
My blog has become more about my struggle to get well
I think ive grown up a little 
Finally says you
But seriously 
It's been an amazing ride
To document everything that's happened in the last four years
To meet and get to know so many lovely people
For you to be part of my story 
And me to have been part of yours
It been like writing a diary 
And sharing it with the world 
I hope my blog has in some small way helped in the plight against EDs and addiction
I am one girl writing a blog
But together I believe we can make a change 
For the better

So Happy Birthday to you today blog!
And long may you last!

Saturday 16 April 2016

N is for Night time!

N was another tricky customer
I was going to go with numb
But then decided on night time 
As I think I can write more about that 
Up until a few years ago
I was most definitely a night person
During my drug using days 
I would typically get up in the evening 
Stay up all night 
And go to bed in the morning 
It wasn't unusual not to see daylight for weeks on end 
When I first started using drugs 
I associated them with night time 
It was some thing you did at night 
At the weekend 
Even when I first started taking heroin
I still associated it with night 
I remember the first time I saw someone using heroin first thing in the morning 
It had never occurred to me to do that 
But it seemed like a good idea
So I started using in the morning too
This is how an addict is made 
My drug use began to bleed in to the day time 
The weekend began to get longer and longer 
Until my drug use became an every day thing 
But
As with everything 
You take the bad with the good
And with heroin 
Comes a physical addiction
It's a cat and mouse game to stay one step ahead of sickness
And I was always playing catch up
And can remember nights when I had no drugs 
And no money to get drugs 
Those nights were sheer torture 
As I've said before 
I was a greedy addict 
And whatever I had 
I took there and then
Leaving nothing for the following day or days 
Withdrawal is a horrific thing 
You will start to withdraw about 24 hours after your last usage 
It starts off quite mild 
Your eyes will begin to stream
Your nose will run 
You will yawn continuously 
Then your muscles will begin to get sore 
A dull ache in your bones that saps the energy right out of you 
By now you will take to the bed
As you won't be able to do anything other than lie down and wait it out 
You will sweat profusely 
Alternating between hot and cold
The sheets of your bed will be damp with the sweat 
What ever way you lie 
You can't get comfortable 
And even though you are mentally and physically wrecked 
Sleep eludes you 
Then comes the stomach cramps 
The vomiting 
The diarrhoea 
As the last remnants of the drug leaves your body 
You are now in full blown withdrawal
You are climbing the walls 
Hallucinating with fever 
It feels like your body is trying to turn inside out 
If only you had the drug 
One smoke 
One turn on
Could put an end to all of this 
The night is endless 
And everything seems worse at night 
You are lonely 
So alone 
It seems like you are the only one in the whole world who is awake 
The nightmare goes on 
Until you find someone you can borrow money off 
Or you manage to drag yourself out of bed to find money somehow 
And when you finally get the drug
The feeling of the sickness draining out of your body is the best feeling ever
You immediately stop sweating 
The ache in your bones vanishes 
The mental torture subsides 
All is well 
Until the next time 

Over the years 
I have turned from a night owl 
In to a morning bird 
Nowadays 
I don't stay up past midnight 
And I am up between 7am and 8am every morning 
I like to go out and do my bits and pieces in the morning 
There is something lovely about that time of the day 
When there are only a few people around 
When it's still and quiet
And the world hasn't quite woken up yet 
When the surfers 
Dog walkers 
And runners are all about 
It's a magical time of the day
Night time can be magical too
But I just don't have energy or the inclination to be a night owl any more 

Which are you
A night owl
Or a morning bird?

Friday 15 April 2016

M is for Mind!

I had a couple of things in mind for the letter M
Like my Mother 
Or Mary
But I think I will keep those for W for Women 
So mind it is 
I am grateful 
So very grateful
That my mind has stayed in tact
Despite my best efforts to self destruct 
I've pushed my body and my mind to its limits over the years 
And managed to reach recovery relatively unscathed 
My mind continues to be sharp
And continues to be curious and inquisitive 
Pushing me to learn more everyday
I think my mind as it is, is a result of nature and nurture 
I was born with my mind 
And over the years It has grown and matured
My mind allows me to do so much 
It allows me to question what I don't understand 
To think deeply 
To be sensitive and emphatic 
It allows me to be open minded 
To think outside of the box 
To learn 
To study 
To work 
It allows me to make sense of the world 
To form my own views and opinions 
To be adventurous 
To devour knowledge 
To read 
To write 
To be me
To be quirky 
Eccentric 
To talk 
To listen 
To laugh 
A cry 
It allows me to feel emotion 
It is where all my thoughts and ideas are formed 
I feel blessed to have all that I have 
Including my mind 
Without it 
I surely wouldn't have made it this far