More like pissed off, angry and confused.
I was weighed twice this week, once by my doctor on Monday and yesterday by Mary. There was two kilos in the difference. I chose to believe the higher weight. I'm not going to post it because then that would make it real. I won't post it until I'm safely back in double digits. I'm not ready to stay over 100lbs just yet.
When Mary weighed me, again I bypasses disappointment and sadness and went straight to anger. Anger at Mary for weighing, anger at the stupid scale but most of all anger at myself for letting it happen. She said the weight gain would be slow and steady but it's not, it's fast and out of control. I was so close to just storming out of there but in fairness to Mary she handled the situation very well. She helped me to calm down and tried to make me see that it's just a number. Yes it's just a number but it's a powerful number. It dictates my mood, my self worth, my self esteem and so much more. I tried to explain to her that my ed is the only thing I have in my life. Other people have jobs, college, families and boyfriends, all I have is my eating disorder. Yes I have dancing but that's coming to an end tomorrow. She is trying to help me introduce other things in to my life but the truth is nothing interests me as much as losing weight. She spoke to me for an hour and a half and I did feel a little better but I was already plotting my next fast as she spoke.
I feel like I'm floating in between my ed and recovery, limbo. My body is craving weight gain but my mind craves bones. I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't want to eat, I just want to be thin again but maybe I am thin and I just can't see it. I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know.
I wish I could just make a decision and stick to it, either throw myself in to recovery or continue with my ed. I hate being in this wishy washy, no mans land place.
How are all of you? Hope you are having a better day than me.
Much love to youxxx