Friday, 18 May 2012

Dazed and confused

More like pissed off, angry and confused.
I was weighed twice this week, once by my doctor on Monday and yesterday by Mary. There was two kilos in the difference. I chose to believe the higher weight. I'm not going to post it because then that would make it real. I won't post it until I'm safely back in double digits. I'm not ready to stay over 100lbs just yet.

When Mary weighed me, again I bypasses disappointment and sadness and went straight to anger. Anger at Mary for weighing, anger at the stupid scale but most of all anger at myself for letting it happen. She said the weight gain would be slow and steady but it's not, it's fast and out of control. I was so close to just storming out of there but in fairness to Mary she handled the situation very well. She helped me to calm down and tried to make me see that it's just a number. Yes it's just a number but it's a powerful number. It dictates my mood, my self worth, my self esteem and so much more. I tried to explain to her that my ed is the only thing I have in my life. Other people have jobs, college, families and boyfriends, all I have is my eating disorder. Yes I have dancing but that's coming to an end tomorrow. She is trying to help me introduce other things in to my life but the truth is nothing interests me as much as losing weight. She spoke to me for an hour and a half and I did feel a little better but I was already plotting my next fast as she spoke.

I feel like I'm floating in between my ed and recovery, limbo. My body is craving weight gain but my mind craves bones. I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't want to eat, I just want to be thin again but maybe I am thin and I just can't see it. I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know.
I wish I could just make a decision and stick to it, either throw myself in to recovery or continue with my ed. I hate being in this wishy washy, no mans land place.

How are all of you? Hope you are having a better day than me.

Much love to youxxx


  1. *hugs* you sound like you need that. Sometimes I wonder if it possible to do both. I mean honestly an eating disorder is somewhat just disorder thinking. You anorexics who eat nothing and anorexics who do but just restrict. Then of course there is bulimia which sadly that one is hard to control.

    Anyway all I am saying if lara flynn boyle can stay at low weight for years why can't we? It would be hard work but it can be done. We would have to come up with a routine. I was going to work on one just now myself.

    Hmmmm not sure if you want to discuss on here or not......

  2. Thanks for the hug, I did need it.
    The weigh in has triggered me to restrict. Now that I think about it I have been waking up in the middle of the night starving and raiding the cupboards. This might have something to do with my gain.
    I have messes up sleeping habits.

    Hope you are well.

    Much lovexxx

  3. I think even though you feel awful about gaining, it's for the best in the long run - as hard as it is to take! I'm sure everyone else sees you as tiny - its just a shame you don't :/ gosh, EDs suck!
    I know I havent even managed to develop a real disorder and have never been as underweight as you, but I know how it feels to think you have nothing else but the disorder in your life :/ I hope you find something else to keep you busy though :)
    It's for the best in the long run and I hope you feel better tomorrow!
    Lottie x

    1. Thanks lottie,
      Hope you have a better day tomorrow too.

      Lots of lovexxx

  4. Gosh, I so know what you mean. My body needs to gain weight but my mind is like, "haha, yeah right. Lose 10 more pounds, then we'll talk." I'm sorry you feel this way too sweetie. Keep your head up =)

    1. Thanks Katie,

      I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Gaining weight is terrifying but I know I have to if I want to recover.

      Hugs to youxxx

  5. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time sweetie. It's hard, but try to think about the things you wrote about in your post on Monday. It will get better <3 xx

  6. Reading through your blog. Reading this post, I really hope the posts after this are about you choosing recovery <3


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