Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Moon baby

I didn't sleep last night.
Well I did but not until about 6am this morning. I hate you insomnia although it was my own fault for running out of meds.
It's a strange feeling being awake when everyone else is asleep. I felt like I was the only person in the whole world. Very lonely. The moon was amazing though.

I know I said I wasn't going to weigh til tomorrow but I just couldn't stand it any longer. I had to know what damage I had done. So at 4am this morning I tentatively stepped on my scales. I prepared myself for the worst, expecting to see 110lbs, maybe 108lbs if I'm lucky. I cannot tell you the relief when the scale read 102lbs. Thank you scale Gods! All is not lost. I honestly thought I had gained more than 5lbs. I guess it just goes to show that I can't trust how fat I feel or even trust the mirror. It's weird to think that I can't believe my own eyes. So I guess now it's back to obsessively weighing myself, after I eat, drink, pee, poop.......

I had my weekly appointment with Dr. Dark this morning. So I painted a smile on my face and went through the usual 'yes I'm fine thanks' routine. It's like I know him so well now that I don't want to disappoint him by telling him how I really am, what's really going on. How I'm hanging on by my finger nails, how I abuse the meds he prescribes me, how I would rather die than put on weight, how I'm so scared all the time. I think it would be easier to talk to a doctor who I don't know so well. Instead  I tell him I'm feeling well and making progress with Mary my therapist. I also tell him that I'm preparing for my upcoming dance show. He tells me that he used to do set dancing in college. I had to swallow a laugh as I had a mental image.

So today I plan to catch up on some much needed sleep and eat as little as possible.

Oh before I go just wanted to share this with you,

You tell on yourself,

By the friends you seek,
By the manner in which you speak,
By the way you employ your leisure time,
By the use you make of dollar or dime

You tell what you are
By the things you wear,
By the spirit in which your burdens you bear,
By the kind of things at which you laugh,
By the records you play on your phonograph

You can tell what you are
By the way you talk,
By the spring in your step in talking a walk,
By the manner in which you bear defeat,
By so simple a thing as what you eat

By the books you choose from a well defined shelf,
In these ways and more, you tell on yourself,
So there really is not a particle of sense,
in your efforts to keep up a false pretence.

I though that was so true.

Have a great day,

Much love,


1 comment:

  1. Yay you are 102, I believe in you! You can so do this you are my thinspirational angel right now :)

    Love, hugs and squishes x


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