Wednesday, 9 May 2012


 I  saw my eating disorder therapist Mary this morning. She gets me to write a food diary so basically I keep a record of what I eat and drink, the time, the place, whether I binged or purged and what my thoughts were. It's actually quite helpful. Last week I purged an average of four times a day which isn't great. We went through what my triggers are for bingeing (not sure that's the correct spelling) and the main ones are - eating on my own, eating in  front of the t.v, eating binge food, boredom and leaving it too long between eating. I told her weeks ago that I'd get rid of my scale and I still haven't done. To be honest I've no intention of doing it. She weighed me and I'm down 1lb on her scale. I was secretly overjoyed but did not tell her this. So my homework this week is to plan my day so I don't get bored and get the urge to b/p. We'll see how that goes.

I thought I would share a little bit of my past seeing how I've not posted about it yet. My troubles really started when I finished school although there had been events leading up to this. I remember doing my final exams and I just couldn't wait for them to be over. I remember walking out my school gates for the last time and it was a huge anticlimax. The freedom I had now was overwhelming, I didn't know what to do next. I decided I wanted to go travelling (10 years later I still haven't gone) so I took the first job that came my way. It was around my 18th birthday that my then boyfriend introduced me to heroin. I became addicted very quickly and soon my whole life turned upside down. Then my parents split up so my mother and I rented a house together. Of course my appetite decreased but I had no inkling that I was developing an eating disorder. At age 19 I went into hospital to do a detox, by this time I was purging as well as restricting. I remember a nurse sitting me down and telling me I had anorexia. I was floored and I didn't believe her. Looking back I was so in denial. I was meant to go on to a treatment centre but they wouldn't take me as I was too weak physically. So I went home and relapsed on drugs and continued to starve. The next 10 years are a blur, like a dream I can't quite remember. I've been in drug treatment 3 times and eating disorder 3 times. I'm clean now but my eating disorder is still rampant.

Fear stops me from getting better. Take away my ed and I'm not sure what's left. Me I suppose. I don't like me very much so that's not good. I honestly don't know how I would cope without it. It's like a job. I put in the work ie restricting and exercising and expect a nice fat pay cheque at the end of the week ie weight loss. There would be a huge ed shaped hole in my life and I'm not sure how I'd fill it.

Is anyone out there successfully in recovery?

Much love,

 Ruby tuesdayxxx


  1. Thankyou for sharing that, your story is so touching and I hope you can turn it all around.. I guess its something we all hope for..
    I feel the same - if I didnt have this I guess I would be more normal and have time to actually do all the things I want to..

    But I would also like to know if anyone has recovered? I dont know anyone.. and I dont know if there is such a thing... It would be nice to know.

    Lots of love, I hope you stay strong xxx

  2. I have just slipped outside of 4 years if recovery =/ the weight gain adhd lack of control in my life finally got too much... =( and do here I am...

  3. Sorry about spelling! Am on my phone x

  4. My friend's mum recovered from anorexia. I don't know the details, I just know she is now fully recovered, or at least she is as far as I know. Just so you know I think it is possible.


Thank you for leaving some love x