Yay, I'm back with a brand spanking new laptop. Happy dance!!!
I'm sorry to report that my other laptop sadly died during the week. Poor laptop, you were barely a year old and still had so much to give. At least you are in a better place now with all the other laptops in the sky. I will miss you.
I suppose I should explain what happened.
After I saw my doctor on Monday I decided to have an 'opt out of reality day'. As in I decided to take 3 days worth of my anti anxiety meds and sleep for the day which I did. Sometime in the evening I decided to blog but was not really awake. I had a cup of tea in one hand and a cigarette in the other when I must of dozed off for a minute. An unknown amount of time later I opened my eyes to see a puddle of tea on the computer. I jumped up to get a cloth but the damage had already been done. I had killed it. I was beyond angry with myself. Serves me right for abusing my meds. My mother was also plenty mad at me because we share the laptop. But she was also mad that I was abusing my meds. I promised her I would never do it again and I meant it. It's not good taking them that way but the truth is I use it as a way to get a break from my ed. Just one day ed free that's all I ask. Anyway we got a new one today so all is forgiven and normal service resumes.
So just to give a quick update.
I saw Mary on Thursday and we went through my food diary. Basically she asks me to keep a log of everything I eat and drink and any exercise I do. To be honest I'm not very good at keeping record and I have been known to lie about what I've eaten and play down the purging. I know I am just lying to myself but writing it down on paper would just make it all real and I'm not ready to face up to it yet. She is really urging me to address the purging but it's so freakin hard. Purging has become second nature to me, it's like breathing, it's essential. I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom. Lock the door, tie back my hair, make sure no one is outside, push two fingers down my throat and up it comes. Sorry that might have been too much info but that is the ugly truth of it. Whoever said eating disorders were glamorous or about vanity should come walk a day in my shoes.
Also we are having a heatwave here so everyone is wearing less clothes. This makes me anxious. Having my bare arms and legs out is not something I'm comfortable with at the moment. This time last year I was about half a stone lighter so I felt ok but looking at myself in the mirror this morning I just wanted to cry. Now I know that I can't trust my own judgement of how I look but I still do it anyway. My cousins wedding is in exactly 2 months so I think I can get to a 'safe' weight by then. Otherwise I would rather not go. In saying this though, I watched back a recording of the dance show and I could see that my shape was childlike compared to some of the other girls who had shapely and curvy figures. I think they looked a lot better than me. Another side effect of the heat is that my appetite has decreased so I have been purging a lot less. Today has been purge free so far and hope to keep it that way. Purging has really taken it's toll on my body and restricting. As I posted before my body is childlike but my face looks older than my years. I have not had a period in years, my bones are brittle, my teeth are severely damaged and I can't afford to get them fixed, my hair is limp and lifeless and my eyes are vacant.
A couple of weeks ago my dance partner had come over to practise and he was looking at family photos. There was one of me and my family taken in New york about 3 years ago. I was about 2 stone heavier than I am now. He looked at this photo and asked if I was in it. I told him I was and asked him to guess which one was me. He went through everyone in the photo until he finally said 'is that you?' in surprise. He said 'wow, you're a lot heavier there, have you been on a diet?' I didn't know how to respond and wasn't sure if it was a backhanded compliment or an insult. I brushed it off saying I was bloated due to medication but it proves my theory that my eating disorder has changed the way I look. I just look well........different. It's hard to explain.
Anyway I hope this post finds you all happy and healthy.
I missed you all so much,
Let me know how you are,
Much love xxx