Saturday, 26 May 2012

Resuming service

Yay, I'm back with a brand spanking new laptop. Happy dance!!!
I'm sorry to report that my other laptop sadly died during the week. Poor laptop, you were barely a year old and still had so much to give. At least you are in a better place now with all the other laptops in the sky. I will miss you.

I suppose I should explain what happened.
After I saw my doctor on Monday I decided to have an 'opt out of reality day'. As in I decided to take 3 days worth of my anti anxiety meds and sleep for the day which I did. Sometime in the evening I decided to blog but was not really awake. I had a cup of tea in one hand and a cigarette in the other when I must of dozed off for a minute. An unknown amount of time later I opened my eyes to see a puddle of tea on the computer. I jumped up to get a cloth but the damage had already been done. I had killed it. I was beyond angry with myself. Serves me right for abusing my meds. My mother was also plenty mad at me because we share the laptop. But she was also mad that I was abusing my meds. I promised her I would never do it again and I meant it. It's not good taking them that way but the truth is I use it as a way to get a break from my ed. Just one day ed free that's all I ask. Anyway we got a new one today so all is forgiven and normal service resumes.

So just to give a quick update.
I saw Mary on Thursday and we went through my food diary. Basically she asks me to keep a log of everything I eat and drink and any exercise I do. To be honest I'm not very good at keeping record and I have been known to lie about what I've eaten and play down the purging. I know I am just lying to myself but writing it down on paper would just make it all real and I'm not ready to face up to it yet. She is really urging me to address the purging but it's so freakin hard. Purging has become second nature to me, it's like breathing, it's essential. I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom. Lock the door, tie back my hair, make sure no one is outside, push two fingers down my throat and up it comes. Sorry that might have been too much info but that is the ugly truth of it. Whoever said eating disorders were glamorous or about vanity should come walk a day in my shoes.

Also  we are having a heatwave here so everyone is wearing less clothes. This makes me anxious. Having my bare arms and legs out is not something I'm comfortable with at the moment. This time last year I was about half a stone lighter so I felt ok but looking at myself in the mirror this morning I just wanted to cry. Now I know that I can't trust my own judgement of how I look but I still do it anyway. My cousins wedding is in exactly 2 months so I think I can get to a 'safe' weight by then. Otherwise I would rather not go. In saying this though, I watched back a recording of the dance show and I could see that my shape was childlike compared to some of the other girls who had shapely and curvy figures. I think they looked a lot better than me. Another side effect of the heat is that my appetite has decreased so I have been purging a lot less. Today has been purge free so far and hope to keep it that way. Purging has really taken it's toll on my body and restricting. As I posted before my body is childlike but my face looks older than my years. I have not had a period in years, my bones are brittle, my teeth are severely damaged and I can't afford to get them fixed, my hair is limp and lifeless and my eyes are vacant.
A couple of weeks ago my dance partner had come over to practise and he was looking at family photos. There was one of me and my family taken in New york about 3 years ago. I was about 2 stone heavier than I am now. He looked at this photo and asked if I was in it. I told him I was and asked him to guess which one was me. He went through everyone in the photo until he finally said 'is that you?' in surprise. He said 'wow, you're a lot heavier there, have you been on a diet?' I didn't know how to respond and wasn't sure if it was a backhanded compliment or an insult. I brushed it off saying I was bloated due to medication but it proves my theory that my eating disorder has changed the way I look. I just look well........different. It's hard to explain.

Anyway I hope this post finds you all happy and healthy.
I missed you all so much,
Let me know how you are,

Much love xxx


  1. Thank you so much for sharing all that... Sometimes people just comment on what they see without a second thought.. It didnt seem like he was being malicious though? It seemed more like "wow you were way different then".. I hope you are ok, dust it off honey.

    Also I think it does change you physically. I developed early - like got breasts (DD cup - it was terrible) and everything whilst I was still in primary school.. but my frame is different from my sisters. I am smaller and shorter than them, my skin colour is different, my hair is also lifeless.. You are not alone in this - I kind of like the fact that I am not like them, I almost want to look more disordered so there is an obvious difference between me and them as crazy and warped as that sounds..

    I am sorry about your laptop, its easy for us to want more of what makes us feel better: meds, purging, restricting, drugs, alcohol etc.. It was certainly that way for me.

    I am glad that you mean it though, maybe this is the start of something good,there is everything to hope for, believe me.

    I am pleased to hear you are purging less - do you feel better for it?

    I am sending you a big hug right now with lots of love! I am glad you are back, you were missed.


  2. Thank you so much sweetie, I missed you too.
    I understand what you mean when you say you almost want to look disordered. I feel that way too sometimes.

    I will definitely be in touch properly soon, can't wait to hear all your news. From reading your blog you seem to be in a good place.

    Much much love to you xxx

  3. Dear Ruby,
    So glad you are back on the air. Wow, I'm glad it was only your laptop that was wrecked, I know it's a huge loss and they cost a lot, but it could have been worse - like the cigarette setting your bedding alight or the medication having a worse effect on you. I'm so glad you are okay and so relate to wanting to block it all out for a while, have a break from something that never lets up. Glad you are not going to use medication again to do this.
    Totally relate to 'if you write it down it will make it real' - I have that trouble too, not just because then it's in your face, but because I am so scared that they will be totally disgusted with me, even though I've told them in detail before so it's nothing new to them. But also I'm scared that they will not understand why I haven't given it up completely by the next time they see me or improved as much as they might like. It feels like so many expectations and that actually makes me worse because of the 'failed again' cycle. It IS like breathing, it's that natural to me too, much as I hate it.
    Yes the ED does make us look... different. My face is a different shape. My face is old and tired and haggard. Inside my body it's a rotting mess too. It's a horrible illness. My first thought when you said what your dance partner said was that he was concerned. People don't often drop a lot of weight unless there is something going on or they aren't well at all. Being a policeman he probably knows that!
    Anyway I have more to say.. but have to go. Will catch up more tonight. I'm glad you commented on my blog again so this time I bookmarked your blog so I won't lose it again!! Lots of catch up reading to do. Hope you are okay and huge hugs from me!
    Lots of love xx

  4. Hey I am so glad you are back. Sorry to hear about your laptop, glad you have a new one.

    Congrats on being binge free and as for the guy. I would have been upset. To me them saying is that you and have you been on a diet is saying I was fat. That is just me though.

    Yeah I am not wearing tank tops or shorts( haven't worn shorts since 2004! ) Kind of sucks but my thighs rub together just like my arms and they have those dark marks you get from sweaty skin with no air to breath and constant rubbing :-(

    I look forward to reading your next post.

  5. Nice to have you here properly ^^.

    Try to cut out the purging, it's not good like you know. And abusing meds is not good either... <3

    The heat is a self-esteem killer. I personally dislike it in that sense, but in the other hand I like it because it's so much more fun to go out to work out and feel that you do something because of all that sweat.

    Stay positive!


Thank you for leaving some love x