Sunday, 27 May 2012

Feeling a fraud

The sun is beaming here today. Unusual for this country so I'm trying to enjoy it.

The dreaded night binging came back with a vengeance last night. I was up 3 times in the night binging and purging. What happened? I thought it had gone away but apparently not. It's not fun and it's just not good.
This morning I was wrecked after my nightly escapades. I dragged myself to the couch where I collapsed and promptly fell back to sleep. I intended to stay there for the day but I could hear my 2 dogs barking outside and I knew they were anxious to go walkies. So I peeled myself off the couch and piled them into my car.
We drove to a nearby lake where they had a good swim. It never ceases to amaze me how good an effect my dogs have on my mood. If I did not have them I would have surely stayed on that couch feeling sorry for myself. I suppose they take me away from myself for a moment because I have to take care of them.

Something else has been bothering me. I've posted before how at the moment I feel like I am in limbo. A wishy washy no-mans land. I don't consider myself to be in recovery but I am engaging in therapy so I guess I  am trying to help myself some. My eating disorder is still very much active but my weight is not at a critical low so a lot of the time I don't feel I am sick, or sick enough although my bathroom would tell a different story.
I read a lot of pro-ana blogs but I also read recovery blogs and engage with people from both. I suppose this is a reflection of my head space, being somewhere between the two. I think what I'm trying to say is that I feel like a fraud, a double agent. I flirt with both ways of life without committing to either. And I think the same can be said for my recovery from drugs. From the outside I am not using illegal drugs and I am clean. But look a little closer and you will see that I abuse my methadone and anxiety meds. Again I feel in limbo. on the surface everything seems ok but dig a little deeper and you will find things are not all rosy in the garden. I would love to know if any of you feel this way too as it is a lonely place to be. I paint a smile on my face everyday, I tell my doctor everything is fine, I lie to my therapist, all for what? So people won't worry? So I can be left in peace with my addictions? To be honest I'm not really sure. Oh and I almost forgot about the shoplifting. I remember them telling me in treatment that there is a link between eating disorders and shoplifting but that does little to make me feel better. I'm stealing, I might only be stealing cheap food items but I'm still stealing and Iwill be caught one of these days. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit to this but I have to be honest and I hope you will not judge me

It's been hard to write all this but I write in the hope that someone will identify or maybe even help someone else not to feel so alone.

I hope this post finds you all happy and healthy,

Lots of love xxx


  1. Hun, I totally understand everything you've just written, *everything*... I don't have the ability to put anything into words right now, my head is very foggy and I can't focus bc I'm thinking about the gym.. but maybe we can talk later x

    I wish I had a dog... I have one back home in England (technically my brothers dog, but she's like a family dog really), and I miss her so much =( she made me get up and do things too.

    Try not to feel like a fraud.. I mean, that's how you *feel* and where you're at and you're so honest about it, that's not fraudulent in any respects.

    Hope you feel better x


    1. hey,

      Thank you for your comment.
      I would love to get in touch properly,
      I am here anytime

      much love xxx

    2. Hey hun... did you not get my email? =/ I sent it to the address you left me on my blog..

      I also wanted to say, that I abused anxiety meds, sleeping pills and drank alcohol with them, to make them have more of an effect on me.. I was struggling with being away from family, not having access to my usual fix and I still totally admire you, because you're not forced to stay away like I was.. even though it was self imposed enforcement, if I could have gotten back to England, I probably would have gone, just for that =/ so don't be hard on yourself.. Hope you got/get my mail, if not let me know and I'll resend =)

    3. hey,

      no, I didn't get your email, maybe I misspelled it

      Try sending it again and hopefully I'll get it

  2. I hope you can find a place where you feel comfortable. Whether it be pro ana or recovery. My days are varying at the moment. Today is one of my pro recovery days. Keep your head up babygirl.

    1. thank you katie for your kind words and I am glad that you are having a good day today,
      I believe in you,

      Much love xxx

  3. No what you say makes sense. I am glad your dogs made you feel better. I don't have anyone but people on the net to make me feel better.

    You are right about it being deeper issues. I sometimes wonder what are my issues. I can not afford a therapist so I may never find out.

    I hope your day is better today.

    1. I am the same Winter, I only really engage with people on the internet as I have pushed other 'real' people away.

      I hope you are well today,

      Much love xxx

  4. I kind of feel that way sometimes and its nothing to be ashamed of. I try to be "healthy" when in reality what I do is not healthy.. And I think lying is a habit I have got into to make life easier, and to make myself feel safe from those prying people. I think it is good that you engage with recovery blogs, and I hope one day that I can be in the same mind frame, because recovery is something I hope is a possibility for me, otherwise I am stuck like this forever. I hope we can speak soon, Much love to you xx

    1. I definitely believe that recovery is a possibility for us all although like you I am not quite there yet.
      Thanks for your comment and I will be in touch properly soon,

      Take care of you xxx

  5. You know, it's a very true point that you bring up. But this is the way that I see it. I see an ED as a manifestation of other problems. Like my BPD or whatever, so my ED is a thing to do with that. So whilst I am recovering from other things, I can't let go of my ED now, not least of which because I like the way I look. But I don't think you're a fraud. There is no reason why you should have to be fat. I also think that if the therapy works then the ED will sort itself out, like why do you need to tackle it as a seperate issue if it's really all part of a bigger one. Xo


Thank you for leaving some love x