Monday, 28 May 2012

In my skin

Good morning my dears,
I hope this post finds you happy and healthy.

It's another scorcher here today, we don't quite know what's hit us as we usually have pretty cold weather. Everyone is decked out in minimal clothing and sunburn. I like the idea of hot weather but when it's here I find it a bit much. God, I'm such a complainer, never bloody happy. Just enjoy it Ruby!
I walked my dogs on the beach which was beautiful even if I did feel like I was going to pass out. Also saw my doctor, a short and sweet visit, just the way I like it.

Last night being Sunday I didn't sleep at all. This is my own fault for not rationing my meds properly.  Today I would usually take the day off and sleep the day away in a drug induced slumber. But because of my killing the laptop last Monday my mother had a stern talk with me about taking my meds properly so I promised her I would take them as I am supposed to. I've kept my word, I don't want to worry her even more and I can't afford to kill another laptop. It feels good to do the right thing.

During the night I was thinking about the support group I used to go to and the friends I had, I miss them. But I can't seem to find the courage or the confidence to go back or even call one of them I've been in and out of this support group (narcotics anonymous) for the last 6 years and if I do go back I want to be 100% sure that I am committed to recovery and really give it a chance. I 'm not great at moving outside of my comfort zone and anything that causes me anxiety I usually run in the opposite direction. I'm quite shy until you get to know me and I am only truly myself around a handful of people. Around everyone else I wear a variety of masks and disguises .

This got me thinking back to times in my life when I was truly comfortable in my own skin and the times that jump out are the times I was in treatment. I've been in drug treatment 3 times and also eating disorder treatment  times. The ed treatment I was in was in a psychiatric hospital but it was not a typical hospital that has stark rooms, cold hallways and very ill people wandering around. This hospital was comfortable and quite plush. Everyone had their own room and bathroom and they were like little apartments. Needless to say it was ridiculously expensive and I was very fortunate that my parents had health insurance. Our ward was mixed so there were people with all kinds of conditions like depression, anxiety and bipolar. My first time there I was inpatient for four months although I was eventually discharged for not continuing to gain weight. There was something so refreshing about being around people whose problems, conditions, illness were out in the open. People spoke freely about  their illness, insecurities, fears and much more. I identified with these people so much and I truly felt comfortable in my own skin. I felt ok to be me warts and all. I could cry, vent, get angry, throw tantrums and no one judged me one bit. It was such an amazing feeling to be free to be me. Now there were some down sides to inpatient. I sometimes found myself in competition with other girls to be the thinnest or the sickest. I also learned a lot more about how to lose weight etc. I also had run ins with certain nurses but I will save those stories for another time. I met true friends in treatment, friends I am still in touch with. I suppose you go through so much together, you see each other at their lowest and then you see them blossom. It's strange to think that one of the only places I felt completely comfortable in my own skin was in a psychiatric hospital but it is true. Have any of you been in hospital or treatment? How did you find it? But treatment began to be counterproductive as I used it as an escape rather than a place to get well. I wouldn't rule it out if I got that bad again but I think outpatient can be just as helpful.
So that's my goal, to be comfortable in my own skin no matter where I am or who I'm with and no matter what size I am.

Oh yeah, I was in the chemist this morning collecting my meds and I was having a look around. I saw a lovely pair of purple pepe jeans sun glasses that would be perfect for my Italy trip. I have to confess that I almost popped them into my pocket. I used to shoplift regularly from this chemist, I have a bag of jewellry and make up that I neither want or need. I stopped when one day I was sure I had been seen and promised myself never again. I spent days worrying that I was going to get a visit form the guards. Shoplifting is an addiction for me too. I would never steal from another person but shops are hard to resist. I wouldn't get away with this in any other country but security seems to be lax here. I'm so glad now that I didn't take them as getting caught does not bear thinking about.

I'm fasting today and tomorrow, I just want to feel clean and empty so it's coffee and cigarettes for me.

I hope you all are well today and thanks for the comments on my last post,

Much love x


  1. :) I am so happy that you are sticking to your word for your mother and for your self, I hope you find the courage one day to go back to your support group, sometimes we need human interaction to make us come alive, I certainly find it difficult to follow this advice myself but once I do, after a while I find my feet again. Also well done for resisting shop lifting, tell me about the weather - another scorcher here too - I am sitting with the patio doors wide open so I am getting the sun and a nice breeze. It must be lovely where you are with the beach, we have the sea but no beach just a commercial port - the city is very commerce orientated - if it aint making money it aint happening. Its a shame, but theres a couple of towns nearby with beautiful beaches.. you are so lucky :) I hope you have a good day today, I am glad you have your dogs, they seem such a comfort for you.

    Take care of yourself, love always xx

  2. Thanks sweetie for your kind comment,

    Your so right, you can't beat good old fashioned face to face interaction although I love making connections over the internet.

    Enjoy the sunshine and your day,

    Much love to you x

  3. Sorry you didn't get much sleep last night. I know it does feel right to do the right thing. I tend to feel that way when I spend money on paying bills and for things I need instead of spending money on what I want.

    Thanks for sharing what you have been threw a little. I believe everyone has some kind of problem but people always want to act like everything is perfect. It's not. This world is far from perfect.

    Glad to see you doing well today.

    1. Thanks Winter,

      Hope your well too,

      Much love x

  4. I didn't get much sleep neither. I wish I could go to a support group. But there are none in my area that are for pre recovery. Enjoy the wonderful weather.

    1. hey Katie,

      Thanks for your comment, I'm sorry there are no groups in your area. Hope you are well,

      Lots of love x

  5. It is so warm, I agree. I'm beginning to hate it now. God, I complain about the weather so much. It's either too warm or too hot.

    I like people talking about their problems out loud and being able to talk about my own. I have a couple of ED friends in real life and it is nice to just say what I want to and know they understand and aren't judging. It's nice to not have to keep it all to yourself too because it's so draining when you'e got to keep in your head 24/7. xx

  6. hey run,

    Thanks for your comment and for following me.

    I totally agree, if I had to keep everything in my head I would surely explode.

    Much love x

  7. "I'm fasting today and tomorrow, I just want to feel clean and empty so it's coffee and cigarettes for me."

    I love you. thats such a paradox - clean and coffee and cigarettes :-)

    But I get it. I do the same with diet coke. I want to be pure. I wish i could water fast on just water but my caffeine addiction leaves me shaky and irritable.

    maybe we could try proplus and water?!

    love xx

  8. hey Amaris,

    Thanks for your comment.

    Yay we can fast together, good luck with yours,

    Much love x


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